Chapter Fifteen

Seth

I haven"t had a full-on panic attack for weeks. Weeks. I keep waiting for it to happen, but it hasn"t. There have been a few times where I started feeling that tightness, but Desir"ee or one of the twins was right there each time to help me through it and it didn"t last longer than a few minutes. I don"t want to keep waiting for it to happen, but I"m not stupid enough to think that it won"t ever happen again. Dr. Cortez says that there may always be the possibility of an attack happening, but that having a good pack who loves me will help more than anything at this point.

She"s right. I know she"s right. She"s been right about everything else. But I can"t stop myself from worrying about having an attack when I"m taking care of the baby. I don"t want our children to see me broken like that. They need to see me whole and strong. They need to know that I"ll always take care of them. How can they know that if they see how broken I am?

My pack knows something is bothering me, too. They"re all very intuitive, but they"re kind enough to give me time to come to them about my worries on my own. I"m dreading it. I know what their reactions will be. They don"t see me the way I see myself. They have no idea how dark it gets in my head sometimes, and I don"t want them to. They shouldn"t have to carry that weight, and I refuse to let it touch our children.

On top of all this worry and dread, I"ve been avoiding my mother. For a long time after I left the facility and went home to Talia"s pack, it was almost like we avoided each other. Kind of like if we didn"t talk to or see each other, then we wouldn"t have to think about my father or how our lives were because of him. She tried once, last year, to tell me that it was her fault because she should have been strong enough to stop him from dragging me into everything. I stopped her after one sentence. She couldn"t have stopped him. My mother is a lot of things, but strong isn"t one of them. I don"t fault her for it. She"s not that kind of omega. All my father would have had to do is give her a command to not worry about it and she wouldn"t have. I"m not angry with my mother for not stopping him. I"m angry with her about other things. Like not trying to help the omegas, or at least dumping money into the effort to help and find them.

But she"s stopped avoiding me, and she doesn"t seem very inclined to allow me to avoid her. Based on all the calls, texts, and even emails, she seems downright determined to be very present. The best thing about an awkward parent, no matter how determined they are, is that she texts before she calls. Which is what I just received. I"ve brushed off the last ten calls, but this text is different.

Seth Pratchett, you will answer my call. I need to talk to you about something important. I know where you are and I will fly there tonight if you don"t answer the phone. I"m still your mother.

So I answer the call when it comes because she is, in fact, still my mother.

"Hello, Mom."

"Don"t you hello Mom me. I"ve been desperately trying to reach you. What if I had been on death"s doorstep and calling you with my last words?"

I pinch the bridge of my nose, sighing at her dramatics. "You"re not dying, Mom. What"s wrong?"

"I could have been and you never would have known because you never take my calls. Never mind that. I know you"re coming back home, not that you told me yourself. I wanted to talk to you about this before everything got put into place, but again, you don"t take my calls, so now your opinion on the matter is irrelevant."

"What matter?" I interrupt. "What are you talking about?"

"The house, Seth. I gave it up. Well, not exactly. But it isn"t our house anymore, and you won"t have it to come home to when you come back."

When she doesn"t elaborate, I flip up my patch to press the heel of my hand against my eye and take a deep breath to keep my impatience from shooting out of my mouth. "You gave up the house?"

"No, not exactly. I"ve been working with Elizabet. We"re transforming it into a place of goodness. A place of healing."

I take another breath, blowing it out slowly. "What do you mean? What are you working on with Elizabet? Where will you live?"

"Oh, Seth. I haven"t been at the house for a long time. Since we lost your father. I couldn"t stand to be there. It"s been gutted now. All new everything. It"s wonderful. I can"t wait for you to see it. We"ve worked so hard."

Are all mothers like this? They must be. It can"t just be mine. "Mom. Please. I don"t know what you mean. You and Elizabet gutted the house?"

"Yes," she chirps, happiness and pride radiating through the phone. "It"s been transformed. It will be finished soon. Just in time for Talia"s Nathan to get them out."

"Mom!" I bark, much sharper than I intend, but I don"t know what she"s talking about and it very much seems like I need to. "I"m sorry. I shouldn"t have spoken to you like that, but I don"t understand. Please explain it to me, from the beginning."

"I"m sorry, honey. I"m just so darn excited. I decided to get rid of the house since neither of us wanted anything to do with it. I was just going to sell it, but then I had a wonderful idea. What if it could be a place of healing? You know, for all those omegas that are missing. Some of them have been held for so long, they might not be able to just go back to things like nothing ever happened. And since Elizabet has such a fabulous program for omegas already, I thought if the rescued omegas needed a place to be for a little while until they"re ready to go back home, why couldn"t they come to our house? Let something good happen there for once, you know? Elizabet loved the idea and we just did it, Seth. We just did it. Now all those omegas will have a place to go when Nathan saves them. We can turn something your father built into something good. Isn"t that wonderful?"

I have to swallow around the knot in my throat twice before I can answer her. "Yeah, Mom. It really is wonderful. It"s so wonderful. Thank you."

"You don"t need to thank me, honey. We"re just doing something right. Are you alright? You"ve been over there an awful long time."

I swallow again. "I"m going to have a baby."

She doesn"t say anything for too long and that panic starts climbing up my chest to wrap around my neck. Then she squeals into the phone and it dissipates as quickly as it formed.

"I"m going to be a grandma! Seth! When? I didn"t even know you had a new pack! Can I come out to meet them? Can I come tomorrow? Oh, Seth!"

The knot in my throat I"ve been fighting turns into real tears as I realize all at once that I needed this version of my mother my whole life. "Desir"ee is due at the end of spring. Corso redid the house at the back of his property for us. We"ll be back east before she has the baby. I think it would be okay for you to fly out, but let me check with my pack."

"Desir"ee? That"s so beautiful. What about the rest of your pack? Wait, no! Don"t tell me. Let them be a surprise. My goodness, I"m so happy."

My pack is as excited to meet my mother as she is to meet them, and she books the flight for her and John while I"m still on the phone when I call her back. I wasn"t sure how John was going to take it. Some packs are family units, like what my pack will be. All the male alphas are father figures to any children born, or at minimum an uncle type relation. Some packs, like the one I grew up in, are not. They all live together and are a pack together, but the inner-relationships are purely functional. So, while my kids will have three father figures to call Dad, or Papa, or whatever we"ll be called, I grew up with a Dad and a John.

I understood that John was part of our family and that he was my mother"s alpha, but he wasn"t my father. He was more like a close family friend who lived with us. He had no authority over my upbringing or what happened once I got older. And as my father became more enthralled with the rogue organization, there was an obvious distance forming between him and John.

John called right before he and my mother boarded the plane and asked me outright if he would be allowed to be my children"s grandfather. Obviously, I said yes. I can"t count the number of times I wondered what it would have been like if John was my father. I can"t even imagine how different I would have turned out if he had had a stronger parental presence in my life. John is good. He exudes warmth. I don"t know how my father managed to form a pack bond with him, and I give him all the credit for convincing my mother to become their omega.

"When do we pick them up?" Desir"ee asks, her excitement and nervousness over meeting my family bubbling through our bond.

I pull her against me and breathe in her sweet scent. "You and the twins are staying here. I don"t feel good about having you at the airport."

She tips her head back to give me a flat look. "You"ll take Michael with you. If you don"t feel safe with me there with all of you with me, then I don"t feel safe with you there alone."

I don"t know if I"ll ever get used to her worrying after me and trying to take care of me. I kiss her pursed lips and smile down at her. "I"ll take Michael with me. Do you need anything while I"m out?"

She shakes her head. "No, I don"t think so. Are you sure they can"t stay more than a couple hours? That"s a lot of flying around without rest."

"They"re used to it. Mom"s been flying around for afternoon trips her whole life. Once we"re back east, though, I can"t guarantee that she won"t suffocate us. She seems like a completely different person than she was a few years ago. And she"s really excited about being a grandmother. She might become overwhelming."

Desir"ee laughs. "Most grandmothers are. My mom probably would have been if we still had her. Amber"s moms and Tony"s mother are doing their best to make up for it, though. Mateo"s ready to shove all three of them into a box and ship them to a different territory."

The sadness that hides behind her smiles and jokes is a little stronger today. It makes sense. She"s meeting my mother today, and she"s been watching other people with their mothers. It"s only natural for Desir"ee to feel the loss of her own mother more acutely right now. Ben and Michael are feeling the loss of their parents as well. They haven"t mentioned it, but we all feel things through our bonds. I"m just glad we have each other.

"He"ll be alright. I"ll drag Michael with me to the airport in about an hour so we can be waiting when they come through the gate."

It ends up being one of the longest hours of my life but I survive it and my mother cries when she sees me.

"You look so happy," she sniffs after she lets go of a hug it didn"t occur to me to expect. "And you!" she exclaims, yanking Michael in for an equally unexpected hug. "You"re taking care of my baby. I"m so happy to meet you!"

"That"s Michael," I tell her, meeting his raised brows over her head. "Ben is home with Desir"ee."

"Good, good," she nods. "The airport is no place for a pregnant omega."

"It"s no place for you, either," John tells her as he reaches to shake my hand, then Michael"s.

"Oh, hush," my mother waves him off. "I"m perfectly safe. I am anxious to meet Seth"s Desir"ee, though. So lets get a move on." She takes Michael"s arm instead of mine or John"s and lets him lead her through the terminal.

I catch John"s eye and gesture toward the woman who is supposed to be my mother. "Is she alright?" I all but whisper.

He nods, his smile full of joy and pride.

"What happened?" I ask even quieter. The last time I saw my mother she was a thin, watery version of the woman I knew as a child. The woman hanging on Michael"s arm and laughing is someone almost completely foreign to me.

John shrugs, still smiling. "Jonas was a heavy thing to carry. Everything is different now. Better." His face falls, realizing what he"s saying about my late father. "I"m sorry, Seth. I shouldn"t say that. He was your father."

"No," I say. "No. He was a heavy burden. When I was a kid I thought he was the strongest and best alpha in the world. I wanted to be just like him. But as I got older I saw who and what he really was. She"s better now. So are you, and so am I. It feels like you"re required to be a certain level of sad when your dad dies, but I don"t miss him. He caused more harm than good."

John nods, but his smile doesn"t return and I don"t like that.

"Besides," I add. "Now I"ll get to have you in my life the way you always should have been. Things will be better."

The smile comes back slowly as he holds my gaze. "Good."

My mother keeps her eyes closed the whole way back to the house despite mine and Michael"s assurances that he is a very good driver and has lived in this area his whole life. John thoroughly enjoys the whole ride, laughing every time my mother shrieks or gasps. We make a stop on the way so Mom and John can go into a store to get Desir"ee a huge bouquet of flowers and the world"s biggest stuffed bear. It almost looks like it"s walking up to the house on its own when Mom insists on carrying it to the door herself.

Ben is grinning ear to ear when he throws open the door to let us in. Nobody mentioned to Mom or John that Ben and Michael are identical and she doesn"t see him until after she puts the bear down on the chair by the door. "Seth! You could have mentioned they"re twins."

"I forgot," I shrug. I really did. They are technically identical, but I don"t see them that way anymore. They"re so different from each other that it"s funny to remember that first few weeks when I couldn"t tell them apart.

"How could you forget such a thing?" she fusses, snatching up Ben for a hug. "I"ll just bet you"re the nice one. It"s always that way with twins, one"s always nicer than the other. I can tell you"re the nice one." She pats his cheek and glances back at Michael. "Yes. This is definitely the nice one. Now, where is our Desir"ee?"

Watching my mother flutter around my new home, hugging my new pack, laughing and joking leaves me feeling a little bit like I"m having an outer-body experience. Like I"m watching a movie. Since I was a teenager, my mother has been quiet and subdued. No fluttering and very little hugging. Definitely no joking. Seeing her like this brings anger at my father roaring to the surface, anger that I thought I"d worked through.

Michael"s nostrils flare and he comes to stand beside me. "What happened?"

I take a breath, closing my eye against the rage that is suddenly rushing through me. "My father. He almost destroyed her just like he destroyed everything else. For what?"

Michael casually moves a small step closer to me, stepping into my space and pressing his arm against mine and providing a physical countering anchor to go with the support flowing through our bond. "He"s gone now. She"s safe. She can be who she is now. She"s here and she"s happy."

I nod and breathe, allowing Michael"s peace to grow inside me. When I open my eye again, my mother is giving me the most solemn look, but she smiles between me and Michael and nods without saying anything.

"Desie is in the bedroom. She wanted to have a rest before everyone got here," Ben says. "I'll just go let her know you"re here."

"Do I look alright?" my mother asks John, running her hands over her blouse and skirt.

"You always look beautiful, my love," he answers and tucks a few strands of silver-blonde hair behind her ear.

I can"t remember seeing my father ever touching her so lovingly. I remember him being possessive of her. I remember him trying to monopolize her time and attention, even when it came to me when I was younger. But I have no memory of him ever touching her with the love and reverence John is showing her. Seeing him treat her the way she deserves to be treated fills something inside me that I didn"t know was empty, and I turn away from the sight before anyone notices that I"ve teared up. Michael is the only one who notices and he reaches up to squeeze my shoulder without saying anything.

Ben leads Desir"ee down the hall and my mother squeals when she sees her. "You"re an absolute doll! Oh, I"m so happy right now! Sit down and tell me everything about you. Are you feeling alright? Is everything alright with you and the baby?"

Desir"ee smiles softly, taking the flowers when John hands them to her. "I"m more than alright and everything is perfect with the baby. I"m so glad to meet you, Missus Pratchett."

"Claire, honey. None of this missus business. Tell me how you met my son. I need your account of it because that"s the one that counts."

And then I listen to the story of how I met Desir"ee from her point of view and it never occurred to me that her version would be full of so many descriptions of myself, including handsome, respectful, and kind. I"m not sure that I"ve ever considered myself to be any of those things. Then Mom asks about how she and the twins met and I get to listen to stories about when they were younger that I"ve never heard before.

When the conversation starts turning toward when I was a kid, I jump in and change the subject. It isn"t that I don"t want Desir"ee and the twins to know about me, it"s that I don"t feel like the Seth in those stories is the Seth that they have. "Let"s hold off on stories about me growing up for now, if that"s alright. We"ll save those for when we"ve got more time. I know Mom and John have to be back home tonight and I want her to tell you about the project she"s working on with Talia"s mother. It"s wonderful, and I want you to hear it from her. I"m really proud." My mother beams when she hears me say that and I"m hit with another wave of awe and happiness at the changes in her.

Desir"ee is crying by the time Mom is finished explaining what she"s turning my childhood home into.

"We might even end up calling it the Omega House. What do you think?" Mom looks from Desir"ee to me expectantly.

"I think it"s amazing," Desir"ee says. "It"s such a good thing. Thank you for doing that for them."

I nod in agreement. "It is, Mom. It"s really great."

We end up having dinner delivered and I get to watch my mom eat pizza for the first time in my life. I don"t know why it"s significant, but I"ve never seen her eat anything that didn"t require a fork so it leaves an impression. John realizes how late it"s become just as Ben and I are finishing up clearing the table and regretfully reminds us that he and Mom have a flight to catch back home. After much hugging and several rounds of goodbyes, Michael and I drive them back to the airport.

"I"m so proud of you, Seth," Mom says, squeezing me into one last hug. "I"m so glad you"re happy."

I bend down to kiss her cheek. "I"m glad you"re happy too, Mom."

I reach to shake John"s hand but he hauls me in for a hug, too. "We"re done with that, son. Things are going to be different now."

And I believe him. Things are going to be so different now.