Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
It was an irrational desire, Sazahk thought as he and Garin walked along the top of a ridge. Irrational and dangerous, but a desire, nonetheless.
He wanted to tell Garin how he felt.
It would take a lot of words to do so. Nuance wound through the mental, emotional, and physical sensations Garin aroused in Sazahk, and Sazahk knew he would have difficulty articulating them effectively. But Garin never seemed to mind how many words it took Sazahk to convey a thought, so Sazahk didn't think he would mind Sazahk's long-winded explanation of his own feelings.
Especially because Sazahk didn't think he was misinterpreting Garin's behavior toward him. He'd meticulously cataloged Garin's interactions with him over the course of the day, and he'd become convinced.
First, they'd woken tangled in each other's arms and Garin hadn't pulled away. Quite the opposite. He'd pulled Sazahk closer as they'd gathered the energy and fortitude to leave the comfort of the sleeping bag.
Second, he'd tossed Sazahk the usual protein pouch with a smile that flipped Sazahk's stomach upside-down.
Third, he'd offered Sazahk the opportunity to take samples multiple times throughout the day and even pointed out interesting things he might want to look at, despite the fact that Sazahk knew Garin hated to spend any more time in the Dead Zone than necessary.
Fourth, he kept looking at Sazahk and smiling, sometimes with a blush on his cheeks.
Fifth, he'd brushed the back of his hand along Sazahk's as he passed a total of three times, which was three more times than he had any other day.
Garin was attracted to him.
And Sazahk didn't have to do much internal analysis to know he was attracted to Garin.
So, irrationally, Sazahk wanted to offer making an adjustment to their relationship that would allow them to act on that attraction. He did see the benefits of that course of action: mainly a lot of pleasure for both of them, plus an amorphous fulfillment commonly known as romantic satisfaction that Sazahk was beginning to suspect might exist after all.
But he saw far more reasons not to make the offer at this particular moment.
For one, treacherous slopes dropped off to either side of them as they picked their way through a hilly area of the Dead Zone toward the compound. Distractions were deadly in this terrain.
They'd be safe once they made camp for the night, but Sazahk resolved not to broach the subject then, either.
Their current situation possessed too many variables.
There was the risk of awkwardness for the next two days in the case of rejection, and awkwardness between partners on a mission was as deadly as a distraction.
But worse, there was the threat that their isolated circumstances had created an artificial attraction that wouldn't withstand the rigors of real life.
Sazahk was the closest he'd been to truly free in a decade. His scar tingled with the anticipation of regaining his implant, and his pardon was so close he could taste it. In weeks, maybe days, Sazahk could go where he wanted and do what he liked, beholden to no one. He wasn't eager to leash himself to another again.
And Garin had more than enough on his plate without adding Sazahk to it. Not to mention the danger that, were Sazahk to extract a commitment from Garin in his potentially compromised state, Garin, upstanding man that he was, might feel compelled to honor that commitment far beyond his genuine interest in the arrangement. After all, Sazahk doubted he represented Garin's typical partner.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Garin jumped off a rock at the end of the ridge and onto a less treacherous plateau, then held out a hand to Sazahk.
"My thoughts typically command a much higher price than that." Sazahk accepted Garin's hand and climbed down. "But I was wondering about your past romantic relationships."
Garin's hand spasmed around Sazahk's as his eyebrows shot up. "You were?"
"Yes." Sazahk slid off the rock and released Garin's hand once his feet hit the ground. "You've mentioned an interest in men and sex, but you've never mentioned a serious past romantic entanglement."
Sazahk continued walking, then a thought hit him that curdled his stomach and a terrified red so potent he could feel it climbed up his throat.
"Or a serious current one. Or current one of any sort. I had assumed you would not have engaged in consensual sexual intercourse with me if you'd had a partner, but I now realize that assumes a closed and monogamous relationship, which is hardly the only type."
"It's the type I would want." Garin jogged to catch up to Sazahk and met his gaze seriously, despite the blush turning his ears and throat red.
"Is it?" Sazahk's stomach un-curdled. "A closed and monogamous relationship is your preferred partnership structure?"
"It is." Garin nodded firmly. His tongue flicked out to lick his sun-burnt lips and his blush spread. "And I'm not in one right now."
"I see." Sazahk forced his eyes forward. And that was all he said, because if he opened his mouth, then the foolish yearning simmering at the base of this throat would bubble out, and Sazahk would ask for—his hands shivered—a relationship.
That was what the stupid yearning was for: a closed, monogamous, romantic, and sexual relationship with Garin.
Sazahk's vision swam before his eyes as his heart pounded in his chest. What was he thinking? He had never wanted one of those. He had never had one of those. He had no idea how to even participate in one of those. Or if he even could. In fact, the evidence indicated he likely couldn't, given his poor track record with all other sorts of relationships.
"Hey, Sazahk, you alright there?" Garin stepped in front of Sazahk to peer into his face as they walked.
Sazahk yanked his head up from staring in unseeing panic at the ground. "Yes." He looked into Garin's concerned green eyes and his heart squeezed, reminding him of why he wanted at all. "You've previously been in such partnerships?"
"A few times, yeah." Garin fell back into step beside him. "But never anything real serious."
Sazahk studied Garin's profile. "Why not?"
Garin shrugged again. "Always too busy. Traveling too much. Working too hard. The men I dated… They always wanted more of me, but I didn't have any more to give them."
"Because you'd given it all to your family." Sazahk nodded. "They come first for you."
Garin glanced at him in surprise. "Yeah, exactly."
"Did the failure of those relationships make you sad?"
Garin let out an awkward huff and rubbed the back of his neck. "It sounds like an asshole thing to say, but no?" He glanced at Sazahk as though to check he wasn't horrified and when he wasn't, he continued. "It was just always obvious by that point that it wasn't gonna work out. I love my family and taking care of them is my priority. I couldn't be sad about losing something that was getting in the way of that."
Sazahk wouldn't do that. Why have a man like Garin, whose most attractive feature was his nurturing nature, only to snuff it out? "That's very reasonable."
"Yeah, they didn't all see it that way," Garin chuckled and kicked a yellow stone off the edge of the plateau they walked on. "And what about you? How long is the string of broken hearts you've left behind?"
Sazahk cocked his head and considered the question as they circled around a boulder that shielded them from the burning sun for a few blessed seconds. "I've never explicitly committed to a relationship and thus never ended one, so there should be no broken hearts in my past. But I am aware that some of my sexual partners were unsatisfied with the lack of an emotional component to our arrangement."
"Oh, yeah. That, um, that happens sometimes, I guess." Garin nodded, not looking at Sazahk, his eyes fixed on the horizon shimmering with heat. "Do you have a general lack of interest in romance in the same way you have a general lack of interest in sex?"
"Yes, largely. Oh, I'd like to sample this." Sazahk stopped at the base of the large rock before they stepped out into the sun and crouched beside a hardy bit of moss pushing its way out from the cracks in the stone. "Most individuals seem to experience a sexual attraction to another person soon after meeting them, if not immediately. That attraction then drives them to explore intellectual, emotional, and logistical compatibility. That eventually leads to romantic urges, and occasionally, entanglements." Sazahk clipped off a small piece of the moss and put it in one of his last remaining baggies. "But as I don't often experience sexual attraction, that particular sequence of events is cut off early for me."
His brain did it all out of order, if it did it at all. His intellectual and emotional interest had to be aroused before any sexual interest could be. And since that rarely happened, he'd assumed his ability to experience sexual interest was highly limited.
Goddess, had he been wrong about that.
He glanced at Garin's lean, rangy body, the dark scruff of travel on his cheeks, and his bright green eyes. His intellectual and emotional interest in the man had spiraled out of control and his sexual interest along with it. Sazahk finally understood the obsession people had with romance and sex. His desire for Garin intoxicated him.
"Everyone is different." Garin shrugged a shoulder and turned away to look off in the direction they were headed before Sazahk read his expression. "You're not missing much."
Actually, if Sazahk's current feelings were anything to go by, he'd been missing a lot. Now that he had this desire, the thought of living without it, or worse, the thought of not satisfying it, devastated him.
But that was all the more reason not to give in. Sazahk didn't like how out of control it all felt, how arbitrary, how forced on him. He didn't need Garin and this idea that he did was a dangerous delusion. He needed his implant and his freedom. That was what he needed, and once they got back to the compound and their old lives, he'd remember that.
And if after a few days at the compound, he didn't remember it, then he would deal with that then. Sazahk needed Dom to help with the research, and Dom needed Garin to protect him. So, there was time for both Sazahk and Garin's sexual and romantic urges to return to normal. And if they didn't—Sazahk reined in the hopeful thought before it finished. They would.
In the meantime, seeing as his obsession still raged uncontrollably, he'd explore less fraught, but no less satisfying, aspects of Garin's past. "Will you tell me what classes you took at the military academy you attended?"
Garin turned a shocked look at him, then gave a delighted laugh. "Sure, Sazahk. I'll tell you anything you want to know about me."
"I see your welcoming committee has already gathered."
Sazahk accepted the binoculars from Garin and peered through them at the four other members of Squad M standing at the open gate to the compound. His heart lifted and brown and yellow spiraled up his forearm as he handed the binoculars back to Garin. "I've missed them."
"And I think they've missed you." Garin eyed the colors on Sazahk's hands as he tucked the binoculars away. "We're still an hour out, at least."
"Not if we walk faster." Sazahk picked up his pace, the ache from days of travel fading at the promise of friends and rest in the comfort of a real lab.
"Just be careful!" Garin hurried after him. "We're not out of the woods yet."
"Any woods in this area were obliterated a long time ago."
"You know what I mean."
They reached the compound in under half an hour.
Bar'in and Tar descended on Sazahk the moment he stepped through the gate.
"Well, you still look alive." Bar'in put a hand on his hip, then grabbed the tip of Sazahk's braid and examined it. "You even look pretty put together, considering how long you've been roughing it." Bar'in looked at Garin and jerked his chin at Sazahk's hair. "Your doing?"
"I helped re-braid it a few nights ago," Gain confirmed, and Sazahk frowned at his tone. It wasn't as warm, as genuine, as Garin, as Sazahk had grown used to. It was professional and detached.
"Not bad." Bar'in nodded and dropped Sazahk's braid as Tar took Sazahk's bag from him.
Sazahk grabbed the straps but overcame the urge to yank it back once sweet relief flooded into his sore arms. "Be careful with it."
Tar nodded and patted Sazahk's back. Then he leaned in and inhaled the top of Sazahk's head. "You smell well."
Sazahk's mouth fell open.
Fal'ran joined them with a grin. "That would be the biggest news you've missed."
Sazahk grabbed Tar's face and hooked a finger over his tusk to pull him down to eye level. "You can smell?"
Tar grinned, the largest smile Sazahk had ever seen on his huge face. He inhaled pointedly, his nostrils flaring. "Yes."
"Did Dom do this?" Sazahk traced his forefinger along a thin scar cutting across the bridge of Tar's nose. "Did he use the method I suggested? Did he record it? Is he here?"
Sazahk looked around, surprised that Dom was nowhere to be seen. On instinct, suddenly concerned, Sazahk turned to Garin. The man stood apart from their little group, stoic and aloof, with only a small crease between his dark eyebrows to indicate any unease.
Irritation flared in Sazahk's chest. Why hadn't Dom shown up to welcome Garin? To check at least that he was alright? Sazahk had arrived to a bevy of friends, but Garin had arrived to no one, and Sazahk hated that.
He released Tar's face with a scowl. "Where's Dominic?"
"Unfortunately, I don't have a good answer to that." Patrick stepped up with an apologetic grimace.
"What do you mean?" Garin's voice sharpened and Sazahk's concern notched up. "You assured me you could protect him."
"And I could have if he'd stayed within the compound." Patrick didn't blink at Garin's aggressive tone. "But he left of his own accord two days ago."
Garin recoiled, his brows pulling down and his face shuttering.
Sazahk saw the beginnings of panic behind Garin's green eyes and found his own hand on Garin's shoulder before he realized he'd left Bar'in to stand beside the human. He looked at Patrick and Fal'ran and squeezed Garin's shoulder. "Did he say where he was going or give any indication of his likely destination?"
Patrick shook his head. "He said he'd detected evidence of a severe security breach in the Turner Corporation systems, and that he needed to contain the damage as quickly as possible."
"By himself? In person?" Garin's hand went to the gun at his hip. Sazahk interpreted it as a subconscious response to stress, but Fal'ran's orange eyes tracked the motion and the big klah'eel shifted in front of Patrick. "That doesn't make any sense."
"I agree that it was odd." Patrick gently pulled Fal'ran aside.
"He was acting weird as fuck when he said it, too," Bar'in added, nose scrunching and full lips pursing. "And he smelled off, but I think he'd applied a little scent cream to block us from smelling too much."
"Define ‘weird as fuck' for me." Garin didn't shake off Sazahk's hand. He even shifted his body closer, though his eyes fixed on Bar'in.
"Cagey, rushed, secretive."
Garin frowned. "Why was that weird? That sounds like Dominic."
Tar shook his head, but, as usual, Bar'in spoke. "Not when he's with us."
Patrick nodded when Garin glanced at him. "He'd become much more open and relaxed during his time here."
Tar finally rumbled his own agreement. "He smelled afraid."
Garin shuddered under Sazahk's palm but breathed out a slow breath and spoke calmly. "Alright. I assume he took the ship we arrived in?"
Fal'ran nodded and crossed his arms. "That's right. Said you could stay with us until he sent one back to pick you up."
Garin's eyes flashed. "He did what?"
Patrick raised a hand and gave Garin a half smile. "But I thought that might not work for you." He jerked his thumb toward the sky port. "We've packed all your things and loaded them up onto a spare ship. You can leave immediately."
Garin's shoulders sagged in relief, but Sazahk's heart plummeted into the dry, dead soil.
"Thank you." Garin stepped out from under Sazahk's limp grip and reached a hand out to Patrick. "I really appreciate that."
"Not a problem." Patrick shook Garin's hand and nodded in the direction of the sky port. "Shall we?"
No!
Sazahk's throat closed up.
Except, yes. Of course, yes. If Dom was in trouble, as Garin clearly thought he was, then Garin should leave immediately. But Sazahk hadn't anticipated losing him so soon. He'd planned on at least a week. He'd planned on enough time for their hormones to cycle back into normal levels and for his own feelings to abate so that when the time came, the parting would be easy.
But this wasn't easy!
"Yeah, just…" Garin turned back to Sazahk and trailed off, his eyes flicking across every scrap of Sazahk's bare skin.
Goddess, he must be a mess. Sazahk willed the colors away and forced a controlled shade of pale red into his cheeks, a fearful, but not panicked color, appropriate for receiving concerning news about a friend.
"Um, you're safe now, so…" Garin swallowed.
"So, you can leave," Sazahk finished for him in the calmest and least brittle voice he could manage. He battled his colors down under his collar and out of Garin's sight. "You should leave, really. You should find Dom."
That was what mattered. That was real. More real than these feelings they had.
"Yeah, I…" Garin nodded a few times and took a deep breath. "I just wanted to say it was a pleasure working with you and that I'm, um, glad we had this time together."
Sazahk clasped his hands behind his back to hide the pink and brown twining around his fingers. "Likewise."
I want more time.
Come back .
"Right." Garin licked his lips, glanced at everyone in Squad M, then looked at Sazahk again. Their eyes locked. "Take care."
Then he turned, jerked his head for Patrick to take the lead, and walked away.
Shock.
Sazahk dimly registered that the cold numbness gluing the soles of his boots to the dusty, unpaved ground was shock. Three hours ago, he'd been trying not to confess his feelings—feelings he'd never thought he'd have for anyone—to a man who was now walking away.
For two weeks he'd been attached to Garin night and day, waking and asleep, but now Garin followed Patrick around a corner without a single look back.
That was it?
That was the culmination of all their time together? Their experiences, their revelations, their challenges, their accomplishments, their discoveries, their conversations, their secrets, the nights and mornings in each other's arms? It just ended?
It was over?
"Hey, Sazahk." Bar'in turned Sazahk toward him and his and Tar's nostrils flared. "What's up? Why do you smell like that?"
Sazahk let the pink, red, and orange seep out from under the cover of his clothes. "I hadn't expected him to make such a sudden departure. I had assumed we'd have a much longer time to debrief our experiences together."
Bar'in's eyes widened slowly, and he glanced over his shoulder to where Garin had long since disappeared. "Oh." He looked back at Sazahk, his yellow gaze searching his face before meeting Tar's. "Oh." Bar'in bit the lip under his left tusk. "I mean, he'll come back when Dom comes back. And we both know Dom's gonna come back."
That was probably true. And perhaps by then Sazahk wouldn't care. He'd hypothesized his senses would reassert themselves with time and his feelings would fade if not completely evaporate. So logically, this was a fortunate outcome.
But logic didn't ease the pit in Sazahk's stomach. To Sazahk's heart, the two of them confessing their feelings to each other and embracing the unknown of a relationship had felt like an inevitable conclusion. It had felt certain.
It didn't anymore.
Garin had barely gone, but already he felt out of reach.
He felt so out of reach, Sazahk wondered if he'd ever really been within Sazahk's grasp in the first place.
He felt silly now, standing there in shock as though he'd expected something different. As though men like Garin pursued relationships with men like Sazahk in the real world.
"Oh no, don't do that." Bar'in shook him, then pulled him into a tight hug.
"I'm not doing anything," Sazahk mumbled into Bar'in's shoulder, arms straight down at his sides as he held off the hated, irrational panic of constriction.
"You're turning gray and smelling like the only whore left at the end of the night."
Sazahk's confusion paused his panic. "I've never been to a brothel. What does the only whore left at the end of the night smell like?"
Bar'in sighed and patted Sazahk's back. "Sad and embarrassed because no one wanted her."
Oh.
"Which is not you," Bar'in added quickly, pushing Sazahk away to glare at him. "So stop smelling like it."
Sazahk's shoulders rounded under Bar'in's palms. Despite Bar'in's protestations, the description in fact sounded quite a lot like his current emotional state and the external realities that had elicited it. "Please let go, Bar'in. I would like to return to my lab and begin a more complete analysis of the samples I collected."
Bar'in released him but exchanged a pained glance with Tar. "Yeah, about that. There's someone in your lab that you're not gonna be so happy to see."