28. Nikos

28

NIKOS

My co-star, Michelle, sits beside me, so close I can smell the overwhelming kiss of her perfume. It chokes me. Even the slightly cracked-open window cannot alleviate the stench. Then again, I know why she's done it - it overwhelms the smell of alcohol that clings to my skin, my hair. Hell, the suit I'd rocked up to the TV studio in still smells of last night's mistakes.

Once H&M - hair and makeup - fix me up, smudging concealer over the shadows beneath my eyes, trimming my unruly hair and spritzing my neck with some matching obnoxious aftershave, I will get changed, follow our chaperone and begin to weave yet another lie around my life.

There are so many that even Charlotte would be jealous of the web I've woven.

I clutch the script in my hands, unable to focus on the swirling mass of ink on the paper. Selina had given it to me, reluctantly, on behalf of our management. Michelle has one too. And from the way she is memorising her lines out loud, I want to scream or punch the mirror before me.

‘…Nikos was so kind to take my dearest brother to Greece with him. I would've been in the photos, but my kind-hearted fiancé had booked me in to a five-star spa in the hillside.'

I could vomit. Which, as it turns out, is something I'd already spent my night doing. I'd reached the point of alcohol consumption where my body rejected it. And no matter how much more I drank, I just couldn't keep it down.

I can't control my life, what makes me think controlling my body is any different?

I press my fingers into my eyes until I see shapes in the dark. ‘Michelle, please. Shut up.'

‘Oh, he speaks!' she scoffs, the script crinkling in her fist. ‘Do I need to remind you that I'm here to help?'

‘I didn't ask for your help.'

‘Grow up, Nikos. Stop playing the victim.'

You have no idea. ‘How - how much are they paying you?'

They being the big-wigs behind An Age of Dragon's sequel film.

‘To save your arse from the embarrassment? Hmm. Not enough, clearly.'

I watch her reflection shift from disdain to pride. Michelle flicks her hair over her shoulder, forcing that ungodly scent to stuff up my nose. She's looking back at the script again, smiling to herself.

‘You know, Nikos. A lot is riding on us being able to work on a second film. I hardly think the fans are going to want someone of your…ilk leading the role. I told them just to re-hire, write it into the script that the original Armin Wolfe died in some horrible accident, and you had to be replaced with another dragon rider. But alas, they want you or nothing at all. So here I am, like your knight…ess in glittering armour. Come to save you from your dirty little secret ruining your life.'

I blink and see red. I tell myself I'm not an aggressive man, but that would be a lie. I am my father's son, and he is a killer.

My fist strikes the mirror, shattering glass. Michelle erupts in a scream so brilliant, it's like she's trying to prove her skills as an actress for award season. Shame those skills were lacking during filming for An Age of Dragons.

She's sobbing now, fumbling away from me like I'm some kind of ogre. Blood seeps across my shattered knuckles, splashing on my suit and the floor beneath me. ‘Don't you ever - say that - again.'

Dirty little secret. Oli is nothing of the sort. He's not someone or something to be ashamed of. I'm the problem. I'm the one with secrets so dirty they'll taint my life forever.

‘Fuck your film,' I spit, seething as the door flies open and Selina rushes in, followed by security guards and show runners. Michelle flops into Selina's arms, but Selina promptly pushes her off into the arms of a security guard.

‘Nikos,' Selina spits, arms raised as though she is wrangling a dinosaur in Jurassic Park. ‘Calm down.'

I can hardly think, let alone breathe.

‘Fuck your sequel. Fuck your job. Fuck everything.'

Selina snaps around to the hysterical Michelle. Miraculously, there are no tears on her beet-red face. And yet she wails like she's just been told someone died. The only thing dead is the chance of her helping me.

‘What did you say to him?'

It takes me a moment to actually register what Selina just asked Michelle. When the actress doesn't formulate a reply, Selina shouts at the security team. ‘Get her fucking out of here. Now.'

They listen, as though she's the one paying the bills.

‘Fuck you, Nikos Ridge.' Michelle finally finds her voice apparently, just as the door begins to close. ‘Fuck you, and your dirty little secret. May it ruin you forever.'

‘We go live in three minutes,' one of the show-runners says, her eyes wide with panic and shock.

‘I need two,' Selina barks back.

As the door clicks closed, I feel the adrenaline fade away from me like a tide drawing out from shore. I sag forwards, breathless, hands on my knees, trying to stem the ache in my skull.

Selina is beside me, arm wrapped around my side, guiding me back to the chair. Glass is scattered all across the seat and make-up desk, shards speckled alongside glitter. Just like the shards of broken glass that signified the death of my mother, and the attempt I'd made on my father's life.

Scattered shards just like me. Broken into so many pieces there's no hope that I can ever be put back together again.

‘I can't do it,' I mumble, voice broken.

‘Can't, or don't want to?' Selina asks.

‘Both.' My ribs ache as though someone has taken a hammer and slammed it into them, over and over.

‘Nikos, listen to me. I need you to hold on for only a few more hours, okay?' There's a hope in her voice that is almost infectious. But I have to care about my life to allow that hope entry into my soul.

‘I have nothing left to do this for. I go out and lie, and I'm not only disrespecting myself, but Oli. I can't do it to him - I won't. Both.' I know I'm not making sense, but the words come pouring out of me. ‘But I have to protect him. I brought demons into his life. How do I protect him from them when I can't even protect myself?'

Selina clasps her hands on either side of my face, thumbs gently stroking my skin. Her eyes bore so far into my mine that I'm sure she sees the truth of my soul. Then she replies, words so cold and honest I believe them.

‘I know,' Selina says, tears slipping down her cheeks. She looks sad and furious, blended into one.

‘You know?'

Her jaw grits, muscles feathering. ‘I know. Everything. Which is why I'm asking you to just hold on, a few more hours, and I promise it will all work out.'

‘How can you promise me that, when this is rock bottom? When there is no further depth I can possibly sink to?'

‘Because - ' Selina takes a deep, rattling inhale as a calculating shift passes behind her eyes. ‘Because there is somewhere you can go. Welcome to rock bottom, Nikos Drakos. You feel that floor beneath you? Push up. That is where you go. Use all that anger and grief, and fucking push up. Kick. Fight. But don't you dare give up now the floor is beneath you and you finally have something solid to launch off of.'

Her words settle over me like the cool kiss of snow. I long to close my eyes and lift my face to the sky, soaking them in.

Selina uses my name. Not the one she'd only ever known me by, but the one I was born to - the true secret I left behind. My eyes snap open, and I see her nodding, as if reading my mind. But before I can question her, there is a hesitant tap at the door before the show-runner pops their head around.

‘One minute to go,' they say, biting nails.

Everything is happening so quickly. I look to Selina for support, knowing I will always find it, no matter what.

‘If you can't find the strength to push up yourself, do it for someone else. Do it for Oli.'

For Oli.

‘Forty-five seconds. And please, do something about his bleeding hand. It's morning television.'

‘Then get out,' Selina snaps on my behalf. The door closes. The timer is counting down.

‘Ready for a quick change, Mr. Drakos?'

I swallow hard, unable to shake her previous words. For Oli. Do it for him.

‘Into whom?' I ask, ‘Nikos Ridge? The fake persona?'

Selina shrugs. ‘To be honest, I don't care. You decide who steps out onto the studio floor. This is your story, Nikos. Write it. Beginning, middle, and end. Just make it fucking epic. Can you do that?'

Can I do that? It's a question I've never even contemplated. But I know the answer. I know now what my lies will ensure. Oli's safety. Oli's protection. I will do this for him, because he reminded me of who I truly was, outside of Nikos Ridge, the actor.

‘Michelle?' I ask.

‘I get the feeling you're on your own on stage,' Selina says, ‘but you know that is never the case in life. Not when I'm around. I'll be there, stage left. You need me and I will come out on that stage and save you.'

‘What would I do without you?'

‘Figure that out later.' Selina winks. ‘Time to show the world the person you want to be.'