23. Oli

23

OLI

I don't want to go home, but it's inevitable.

The process of pulling away from Nikos is unbearable, and I want nothing more than to kidnap him and go back to the little house by the ocean that we've spent five magical days in. But Nikos is needed back in New York for more publicity, and I'm needed back at work to continue promotion of the next book in the series.

There was a time when thinking about my work made me happy, but now it just gives me a pit in my stomach. All I want to do is avoid it. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to think about An Age of Dragons again without visions of Nikos lying in the sand, feeling the heat of his skin and the way his fingers traced my body. And that's going to be more of a torture than Geoff leaving me ever was. When my ex left, I knew it was the end of a relationship, the death of a vision of my life that was expected and stable and boring and perfect.

Leaving Nikos feels like the end of me. The end of the carefree Oliver who'd thrown caution to the wind to run off with a movie star. The end of the Oliver who was worth enough to make Nikos Ridge - Nikos Drakos - bare his soul and sweep me off my feet.

I'm going back to my sad, pathetic life, and I know Nikos will have no trouble moving on without me.

‘Oli?' Nikos is sitting next to me in the car, and he nudges my leg with his foot. ‘What's on your mind?'

I swallow hard. It's difficult to speak, and has been since we'd pulled up to the shore in our boat the day prior. Every time I try to talk, there's a lump in my throat stopping the words from coming out.

A few deep breaths and I manage. ‘I'm alright. Just thinking about everything that's awaiting me when I get back. I'm sure it's a lot.'

We haven't really connected our phones to the internet or cell service, an unspoken agreement to keep the fantasy going for a little longer. When we get to the airport in Thessaloniki, there's going to be no excuse, but we can cling to the isolation for another hour.

I'm sure that there's a pile of emails waiting for me, not to mention all of my notifications on social media, but at least that will be something to distract me from the total, abject heartbreak.

Nikos reaches out and puts a hand on my thigh, and I take the comfort. I feel like I'm stealing something from him, since there's no way that this can continue on once we step off the jet in London.

‘I wish it could be different,' he says. ‘I really do.'

‘I know.' I do. I can see it in every line of his face. ‘But these is are our lives, Nikos. We can't play pretend anymore.'

He sighs, and his hand tightens on my thigh. I watch the landscape roll by out of the car's windows, and wonder what would happen if we just ran away together. If we returned to being anonymous, the way he'd been before he left Greece. The way I'd been before he noticed me.

‘Agape mou.' He presses his lips to my head and breathes the words into my hair. ‘I'm never going to forget this week. The one week of my life where I could truly be myself.'

‘Neither am I.' I swipe at my cheeks with the back of my hand, wishing that I wasn't so quick to cry. I don't want to waste the few hours I have left with Nikos being sad. I want us to go back to being Adonis and Honey, the way we'd been able to have fun with each other and take pleasure in each other's bodies before we'd come to know each other. Before the reality of Nikos being unable to be open about being with a man came back to bite us.

Before -

Before I fell in love with Nikos Drakos. The real him, not the one carefully cultivated for the cameras to see.

It's hard to even admit it to myself, but I do. I've fallen fast and hard, and no matter what I do, he'll always have a piece of my heart.

The rest of the car ride is silent, since we've run out of things to say that aren't sad or goodbye. I just sit with my head pressed to Nikos' chest and listen to his heart beating, memorising the way that his skin is hot against mine. The solid, reassuring presence of his muscular body. I don't beg him to stay, to reconsider, and I'm proud of myself. I just imprint all of this on my mind so that when he's gone, I can at least dream about this week.

The airport is busy, but the car drops us off at a private terminal. We're at passport control before I know it, and Nikos shifts his bag off his shoulder. ‘Can you hold this for a second? I need to get the passports.'

He gives me his cup of coffee and his phone, which is currently vibrating like crazy. I can only imagine the sheer number of notifications on every single platform that Nikos must deal with, if he has access to his own social media. I can barely handle it when one of my posts gets a few hundred likes, and I can only imagine what it's like when we're talking about the tens of thousands of comments and likes and everything else that are generated every time Nikos posts a thirst trap. Not that I can blame the people, not when I've personally had my hands all over the man's incredible body.

The coffee is hot, and the cardboard sleeves aren't doing nearly enough to stop my hands from burning as Nikos talks to the customs agent in Greek. I need to put them down, so it's a good thing there's a counter nearby. But as I juggle the coffee cups, I jostle the phone and the screen lights up. It's a bunch of emails coming in - from the subject line, they look like offers for more movies - and texts from his manager Selina.

One, though, catches my eye. I touch the notification, causing the rest to slow. It's a text with a picture attached, one which turns my world upside down.

The thumbnail is small, but it's unmistakable. I know it because I've owned that jumper for years, and combined with my unruly curls I know it's me.

Someone has sent Nikos a picture of me walking somewhere. And based on the coffee cup in my hand, I know exactly where I was walking to.

The blood in my body runs ice cold as I take it in. I'm not sure how to deal with this - how did Geoff get Nikos' number? Why is he texting Nikos? I wonder for a moment if Geoff has been blackmailing Nikos too, if I've already been used against him. So I do something that's so out of character for me that it turns my stomach - I click on the photo. The phone asks me for a passcode, and I put in the numbers that I'd watched Nikos type in a few times before whilst we were in London.

It's a single text from a unknown number, along with one line.

Unknown number

Pay up, or I'll take him away from you

I act without thinking. My thumb and fingers race across the screen, typing a short and very clear message back to Geoff.

Fuck off, you're getting nothing.

Once I see the message is delivered, I swipe the conversation away and delete it.

Nikos turns to me after handing over our passports, and I quickly lock the phone.

‘Oli?' He looks at me with concern, frowning. ‘Are you alright?'

‘Yeah.' My voice is strangled even to my ears. ‘Fine.'

He's going to hate me. My crazy ex-boyfriend is threatening him? Demanding money, after I already stole for him? I wish I could call Geoff up right now and tell him off, maybe even go a step further and call his mum to embarrass him. Or file a police report that he's stalking me to scare him. But that would give me away - there's nothing I can do until we're back in London.

There's a terrifying chorus that echoes through my head as we board our jet. That Geoff is going to out Nikos, or that Nikos is going to have to support Geoff's newfound drugs habit to stop his sexuality from becoming the topic of every tabloid. The horror of that, of not being ready to tell the world who he is and yet being forced into a corner to stop it from happening? That makes me feel like I'm going to pass out.

I got him into this mess, so I have to get him out of it.

My legs are wobbly as I walk up the stairs of the jet, and Nikos puts a hand to the small of my back. Even now, he's warm and trusting, looking at me with concern in his eyes. All the while, I'm the one who's going to hurt him. I'm the one who's already ruining his world.

We settle into the leather seats of the jet and the air stewardesses serve us cocktails. I gulp mine down while Nikos thumbs through his phone. His mouth twists down momentarily, but then he shakes his head like he's dismissing something. I hope Geoff hasn't texted back.

‘Are you alright?' I venture.

‘Yeah.' He keeps scrolling. ‘I'm fine. Just someone being an asshole. Par for the course. Nothing I can't handle.'

You know when you can tell that someone is lying, even though they say that they're alright? I know, in that moment, that Nikos isn't telling the truth. That he's actually really, really bothered by whatever Geoff must've sent in response to my reply.

I'm about to nudge him with a foot and insist that he be honest, but he looks up, his smile bright again. I can't tell if he's acting, but if he is, it's good. ‘Do you want to play one of my favourite games with Selina? It's called how bad is the movie pitch that Nikos got in his inbox.'

He's clearly trying to make the most of the rest of our time together. We've not spoken about it, but I know we're going to go our separate ways once we land in London. So I decide to grow up and seize the normalcy he's offering me. I drain the rest of my cocktail. ‘Lay them on me.'

We spend a few hours of the flight laughing over the stupid movie ideas and the even stupider amount of money being offered to Nikos and getting steadily more drunk. I'm glad I'm not the only one who needs an alternative way of dealing with this situation. It's only when the pilot gets on the intercom and tells us that we're descending that I see Nikos get serious again.

I want to stop him as he kneels before me and takes my hands in his, earnest sincerity in his eyes.

‘I wish I was brave enough to keep you,' Nikos says. The image of him on his knees in front of me is something I'll never forget. ‘I wish I was brave enough to say fuck it and claim you as mine. But I'm doing this for you as much as for me. You don't know everything about me, and the secrets I keep? They could rip you apart. It's so much safer for you this way, Oli. Honey. It's tearing my heart out, but there's nothing more important to me than you being happy. And I can promise you, even with the fantasy we've lived out this last week, you wouldn't be happy with me. Not when you know everything. Not when you learn who I really am.'

All the fake good humour is gone, now. I can't contain my emotion any longer. The tears are flowing freely down my face as I cup his jaw in my hands. ‘I don't know what you're talking about, Nikos, but I have seen the real you. You're kind and caring and smart and funny. You're protective of those you care about. You make me laugh. You're one of the sweetest people I know.'

‘It's not everything.' Nikos shakes his head as he reaches up to wipe away my tears with a thumb. ‘It's not the darkest parts of me. I would never expose anyone I lo- anyone I cared about to them.'

My stomach drops, and it's not just the plane descending. He almost said it in English. In a way that wasn't a cute endearment. In a way that sounded like he meant it.

And somehow it's a million times worse knowing that we both love each other, and still we're going to let each other go.