Chapter 19

A beast with horns and tail and lizard-like feet (scales and all. Yikes) approached them with a shit-eating grin. He gave a little wave with his fingers. "Hey, Ms. Tucci. Remember me?" he taunted in a deep, almost movie-demon voice.

Ralph's eyes flew open wide. Had she taught demons, too? Never, ever, ever again would she refer to the children who'd given her the most trouble as little demons. Never again.

He chuckled, making the walls of the light tremble and shake as he towered above them. "Juuust kidding. I wasn't a student, but you're gonna be my student real soon. I got a classroom set up just for you, Ms. Tucci."

As his black eyes stared down at her, with Michael still holding her captive, she licked her lips, searching for words…but they wouldn't come.

Demons were real, and they looked nothing like Darnell.

Squatting beside her, small flames erupting on his arms and legs, he nodded as though he understood what she was experiencing. "Speechless, right?" He waved a hand full of talons. "It's a lot to take in. I get it." With a sigh, he said, "So, I'm Frank. Frank the demon, and I'll be your guide today. Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle, because I'm here to tell you, the ride's long and shit happens along the way. Last time, someone lost an arm before we ever even got out of the gate. Talk about premature torture, right? I told him, ‘Listen, buddy. No limb removal till we hit the gates of Hell. Quit taking all the fun out of the element of surprise. Got that?'"

Ralph blinked, her body as weak as a newborn's. Had she heard right? Gulping, she refused to dwell on his words and instead, focused on finding a way out of this.

Deals! Demons liked to make deals. Maybe she could strike a deal.

But before she could speak, Michael was up and on his feet, his limbs shaky, his body quivering. He patted Frank on the back. "I knew you'd come!" he said with a hopeful smile. "You got the shit, man?"

Frank planted his hands on his scaly hips and gave Michael a scathing look. "Junkies, you're all the damn same, man. Get the hell out of my face, you useless piece of shit." He flicked his taloned fingers under Michael's nose to dismiss him.

His face fell, his glassy eyes going wide. "You promised. You said if I brought her to you, you'd get me the best fix ever and give me her powers so I could stay on Earth!"

Frank took a long, disgusted look at Michael, the silence eerie with nothing but the hum of the light. And then he roared with the decibels of a thousand loud speakers, "I said, get the fuck out of my face!"

With one swipe of his hand, he knocked Michael clear across the glassy floor of the light.

Ralph's eyes went wide in horror. "Stop!" she screamed, crawling her way across the floor to her former student as he lay broken, unmoving. "Leave him alone!"

She couldn't believe she was defending the young man who'd killed her, but Michael's life had clearly been a living Hell. He'd gone the wrong way, taken the wrong path. Yet, she couldn't help but feel if she'd just pushed a little harder that day, made someone listen…

The face of the child she'd once offered to help would forever be imprinted in her mind's eye, and she couldn't bear the ugly consequences of what his life had become.

When Ralph reached him, limp and shaking, she pulled him to her with every last bit of oomph she could summon. "Michael," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

But Frank had other ideas. He latched onto her arm, tearing her from Michael and hauling her upward, where the stench of his breath hit her like a porta potty at the fair on a hot July day.

"I'm so sorry," he mimicked. "Not as sorry as you're gonna be, Teach. Now come on. We have a date with some fire and brimstone."

He began to yank her across the floor, while she dug in her heels. "Wait! Let's make a deal!" she gasped.

Frank paused but only for a second. "Oh, hell no, Teach. You're one of the most valuable coups to ever grace Hell. The fuck I'm gonna pass up a chance to impress the living shit out of the boss with a psychopomp by making a deal. Not gonna fucking happen."

Where the words came from, Ralph had no clue, but she spat them with as much venom as possible. "Suck-up!"

That made him stop dead in his tracks, his lizard feet planted firmly on the ground. "What did you fucking call me?"

The laughter of someone insane bubbled up from her throat, spilling all over everything. "You heard me, Frank! You're a lily-livered suck-up who needs his boss to pat him on the head and tell him what a good boy he is. Suck-up! Suck-up! Suck-up!"

His eyes went wide, his horns lit up. "You shut the fuck up!" he hollered, literally lifting her by one arm high in the air, only to bring her body back down and slam it against the shiny floor.

Not only was the light's floor slippery, it was pretty damn hard.

And that hole to Hell was only getting brighter.

Crap.

Ralph cried out from the pain—at the exact moment the voice in her head popped in for a visit.

Frank Balantine, thirty-five. Grew up filthy rich and entitled. Frank took what he wanted, no matter the consequence, and his parents were too busy jet-setting to care.

Killed a woman he stalked for almost a year who'd spurned his advances by strangling her, and got away with it on a technicality.

Died in a car crash while speeding down a canyon road at one hundred and fifty miles per hour in his Maserati, also killing three members of the Furillo family, two children and the patriarch, leaving the mother as the only survivor.

Selma Furillo lost an arm and has second-degree burns on thirty percent of her body after trying to pull her children from the wreckage in an attempt to save their sweet lives.

Frank attempted to step into the light but was firmly denied entry when he was heard bragging about how fast his Maserati could go…

The son-of-a-bitch. What an insidious monster.

Oh, and he was overweight in school. They called him Frank the Tank who likes to wank.

What good does it do me to know his nickname in school?

It's a serious trigger for this piece of garbage. Use it, the voice demanded.

But wouldn't she be as insidious as Frank if she taunted him the way he'd been taunted?

But… She hesitated.

Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire, Raphaela. Fight fire with fire!

Frank scooped her back up again, dragging so hard it felt like her arm would rip from her body if she didn't act.

Whoever's in charge up there, forgive me for what I'm about to do…

"Hey, Frank the Tank!" she croaked, struggling against his scaly grip, hot and slimy at the same time. "Eat any cheeseburgers lately? Wanna supersize it?"

He stopped again, only this time, he was really angry. Hauling her upward again, he pulled her to him—tight. "How do you know about that?" he roared.

But Ralph smiled, innocent and sweet. "I know everything about you, Frank—you girlfriend killer! How's your Maserati these days?"

With a scream of pure demonic rage, he lifted her high in the air, her heart pounding in her ears, shaking her so hard that her bones rattled. "Fuuuuuck. Yoouuu!" he screeched, hot flames flying from his mouth. "You stupid, stupid bitch!"

With that, he prepared to lob her through the hole when someone from inside the gaping maw of flames yelled, "Frank, put her down!"

Her heart throbbed. It was Darnell! She'd know that deep, always cheerful voice anywhere.

"Darnell!" she cried, just before Frank dropped her like she was on fire.

Or maybe it was because she was—on fire, that is. Splat right on the floor. She fell hard, her bones jarred, her teeth cracking together.

But suddenly Michael was there, crawling to her, tamping out the flames on her skirt. "I'm sorry, Ms. Tucci," he managed on a hoarse cry. "I'm sorry!"

"Stay put, Michael!" she ordered—because she was more concerned with another, new demon who was currently creeping up behind Shamus.

Shamus!

He'd come! Shamus had come to get her. How had he gotten inside the light? But she had no time to get sentimental or look for answers.

Nina, Marty and Wanda were also there, springing into action as more demons appeared. Scaly, fiery, horned demons with bulging eyes the size of Frisbees, breathing fire, shooting flames.

"Shamus!" she screamed. "Look out behind you!"

But a demon grabbed him around the neck, wrenching him backward and dragging him toward the hole to Hell.

"Stop!" she shrieked, her throat raw. Forcing herself to her feet, attempting to avoid shooting fireballs, the flames sizzling as they flew past her, Ralph screamed again. "Let him go! I'll go with you! Make them let Shamus go, Frank!"

Wanda jumped on the demon's back, twisting his head until he howled in agony, giving it a resounding snap before he fell to the ground in a heap of scaly limbs and broken horns, letting Shamus go.

Brushing her hands together, she looked around frantically. "Where's Ralph?" We have to get to Ralph!"

Nina planted her feet firmly after drop-kicking another demon and looked around. "I can't see her! Glow stick, where the fuck are you?"

Shit! Her fairy dust must have worn off. If Frank got hold of her, he'd drag her into the hole and they wouldn't even see or hear her.

In that moment of panic, she dove for Shamus's feet, sliding across the floor as though on roller-skates. "Shamus! Sprinkle me with dust!"

He reached inside his pocket, his tanned face dripping sweat, his eyes determined. Yanking out the small pouch, he dug inside for a handful of the multicolored sand.

Just as he pulled his hand out, a demon cut him off at the legs, taking him down like a tree in the forest.

"Shamus, nooo!" she barked, coughing from the smoke filling up the light. Her legs began to buckle as she tried to reach him, her arms weak as she fought to scramble across the floor.

Flames began to fill the light, Darnell fought demons with his meaty fists at the portal to Hell, trying to prevent them from getting back in, but there were too many.

Wanda and Marty, their hair singed and their clothes patchy from flames, fought like the warriors they were. Hurling demons in the air, only for them to get right back up and come at the women again.

But Frank was one little determined shithead. He rose up, making himself as tall as an oak, stomping toward her, the thunderous crash of his footsteps shaking the light to its core.

"I will not let you ruin this for me, you bitch!" he cried out, scooping her up from the floor and throwing her over his back, leaving her head banging against his scaly flesh.

With the last ounce of energy she had, she tried to free herself as Shamus bellowed, "No! He's headed for the portal! Stop him, Darnell!"

Darnell, who was busy fighting the demons who'd climbed his enormous frame, fell to the ground, crashing against the floor, skidding clear across the light.

She saw Shamus running toward them, felt the first licks of heat from the portal, saw her life flash before her eyes as Frank took the first step into Hell.

God, it was hot. Yes, yes, yes. Hell was supposed to be hot. She got that, but if she had to spend her eternity sweating her brains out, she'd lose her mind.

That was when she knew she had no choice but to take charge.

And that's when things got jiggy.

Shamus stood in the middle of the light. Fire licked at his feet, shot at his head, but he stood tall, his mouth moving, words coming from his lips that she couldn't hear for the roar of the demons' cries.

He raised his arms high, whirled them in the air as he screamed her name, and a wind rose, a wind so strong, so fierce, it almost buckled Frank in half.

But he withstood the roar, braced himself against it, clinging to her body with rigid steel grips.

As it began to pour, as a wave of water from out of nowhere came rushing at them, a wave higher than any she'd ever seen, total chaos literally rained down on them. What the hell was going on?

Then she remembered. A tsunami. Shamus had said he'd once created a tsunami.

As water began to rush in, Shamus moved his arms as if orchestrating the natural phenomenon, working his fingers as the enormous wave began knocking down demons one by one.

At the same time, as the waves rushed around her, slashing at her clothes and hair, from somewhere deep inside her, the cautious, risk-adverse, non-confrontational Raphaela Tucci from Brooklyn did something she'd probably never forget.…

She grabbed Frank's tail and took a big ol' bite out of it.

It was all she could think to do.

She didn't think about how awful that would taste (because OMG, it was disgusting); she didn't even think about the fact that she was biting someone to win a fight.

Ralph only thought about an eternity in Hell, where she'd be denied the chance to cross deserving humans to live their best afterlives.

She only thought about being denied the chance to go out for coffee with a hot silver fox named Shamus.

To snuggle with Blanche, read a book, curl up with a blanket. Hug Hazel. Sing their favorite road trip song, "Total Eclipse of the Heart," at the top of their lungs.

And that made her angry. So very angry.

Holding on to Frank's slimy tail, she sank her teeth in deep, feeling it flail and squirm, making her gag, but she held fast while Frank screamed, swinging around until she was no longer on his back but once more on the floor, sputtering in the water.

Sliding, scraping, whipping through the last embers of the flames, his tail still in her mouth.

"Get off me!" he bawled. "Get her off me!"

Nina ran for him, grabbing Frank by his horns, wrenching him upward to look him in the eyes, her hair flattened to her skull from the water, her clothes soaking wet.

"I will fucking rip your tiny scaly balls off your slimy body and laugh while I pop 'em like baby balloons, you stupid fuck!"

"Frank!" a booming voice rang out, making everyone halt.

From the light, an angel appeared, his wings glorious, his robes shimmering, his hair red. "What the bloody fuck is going on here, Frank? Stop squirming or I'm gonna have to use your horns for toothpicks, you wank."

The angel swooped in with George and Dex right behind him, standing in front of Frank, who now cowered in Nina's grip.

"Holy cow," Shamus muttered, his jaw unhinged, his hat mashed down on his head from the tsunami.

The moment he put his arms down, the water stopped rushing, the waves stopped crashing against the light's walls.

"Titus?" Nina called out, sloshing her way through the dissipating water, running her free hand through her soaking-wet hair. "How the fuck are you, big guy?" She threw Frank to the ground with a hard shake and opened her arms.

The angel flicked the cigarette he had in his mouth to the ground. He grabbed Nina up in a bear hug, planting a kiss on her cheek before brushing the water from her eyes.

"There's my beautiful vampire. How the fuck are you?" he cooed. "Damn you're hot, little lady, even soaking wet. It's all I can do not to rethink this whole angel bullshit with you in the mix, my saucy minx."

Nina actually giggled, giving him a squeeze before he set her on the floor, welcoming a sopping-wet Marty and Wanda into his wide embrace.

"Titus!" Marty and Wanda squealed against his broad chest.

He inhaled long whiffs of their hair. "Like damn flowers on a rainy spring day, you two are. Good to see ya. Hate that it's this turd who brought me here."

He glared at Frank, who quivered on the wet floor, before the angel turned to Ralph with a smile so perfect, so beautiful, her heart filled with gratitude even though she had no explanation as to why.

"And you? You must be Raphaela. Damn, I'm sorry you didn't get the uzhe treatment when you died. You deserve trumpets blaring, angels singing, a gosh dang fucking parade with your own float. The afterlife failed ya, pretty lady, but I'm here to make it up to you."

He pulled her to her feet with a gentle tug for such a large man, using the long arm of his robe to dab at her hair and face.

She spat the chunk of Frank's tail from her mouth, wiping her lips with the back of her hand and giving him a guilty look. Fighting a gag, she confessed. "I bit him," she murmured, looking at this magnificent man with apologetic eyes, her clothes dripping, her feet frozen.

Titus gripped her hand that much harder, the warmth of it filling her soul, making her forget the putrid taste in her mouth.

"You sure as shit did, little lady. Doesn't taste like chicken at all, does it?"

When she stared up at him with reverence, almost afraid to laugh, everyone else laughed for her.

She looked around in surprise. "You all can see me? Hear me?"

"Of course they can," Titus assured her with a wide grin, pulling her into a hug that felt like everything all at once. "That warm feeling when you touched my hand was me giving you all your powers. Your permanent psychopomp powers. Welcome to the fam, beautiful lady."

"Can you do something about the bad aftertaste in my mouth?"she whispered against his broad chest. "Demons definitely don't taste like chicken."

He threw his head back and laughed, long and loud. "For suresies," he said with an affable smile, cupping her cheek until the horrible aftertaste was gone and the interior of her mouth tasted like toothpaste. Peppermint, to be specific.

Looking down at her body, Ralph let her hands roam over her wet waist, her hips. "I'm not transparent anymore?" To test that theory, she ran to Nina and grabbed her hand, and it didn't fall away in a puff of smoke. She felt everything…her lean, cool fingers; her smooth, wet skin.

Ralph laughed out loud, jumping up and throwing her arms around Nina's drenched neck. "I can touch you! You can't call me Glow Stick anymore! Hah!" she cried out in happiness, kissing Nina on the cheek before she rushed about touching everyone.

Gripping Wanda and Marty's hands, she pulled them into her, wrapping her arms around their shivering shoulders and pulling them close.

"Thank you! Thank you for coming to get me, for helping me these last several days. I don't know what I would have done without you." She kissed them both on the cheek with zeal.

"Heeeey, don't forget me," Darnell teased, scooping them all up in a big bear hug, mashing them into one soggy ball of limbs and happiness.

And she felt every squeeze of it, every breath on her cheek, every callus on Darnell's hand.

She hugged Dex and George, too, thanking them before they went to gather the demons and hurl them back into the portal.

Then she saw Shamus, standing on the fringe of the group, and she disentangled herself from their embraces and shook her finger at him.

"And you," she said softly as she approached him. "C'mere, you." Without thought, without fear, she stood on tiptoe, bracketed his dripping-wet face and laid one on him, long and sweet.

When they pulled apart, he looked down at her and smiled. "Whatever Titus did, you definitely don't taste like demon tail."

She giggled, nuzzling his cheek. "You made a tsunami for me…"

He grinned that handsome, if not soggy grin. "Just for you. I had to do something. I'm pretty strong, but I'm not OOPS-ladies strong."

"It was amazing. Thank you," she whispered against his lips.

Over Shamus's shoulder, she caught sight of Michael, lying on the ground amongst the broken demons and puddles of water.

"Michael," she whispered.

"Don't you worry about a thing, little lady. Titus has got you covered. I'll ship his rooty-tooty-fresh-and-fruity ass off to Hell and he'll never trouble you again."

She looked up at the big man, placing her hand on his robed arm. "Wait, may I ask you a favor?"

He booped her nose with the tip of his finger and a smile. "You can ask me any little ol' thing you like, lovely lady. I'm all yours."

"Please don't take him to Hell."

"Whaaat?" he said, the surprise in his voice clear. "Listen, Vanilla Wafer, he murdered you. The big guys don't like that. Murder's kinda a surefire way to get sent to the bad place."

She sighed, pushing her wet hair from her face. "He did murder me, but may I explain something to you?"

Titus held out an enormous arm to her with a smile that filled her soul. "Walk with me."

As they walked away from everyone, Ralph told him about Michael's life, about how she'd once tried to help him, but his sheer terror and fear of his stepfather had kept him from telling her about the abuse. How his life had been a series of bad choices and drug abuse, and about the night he'd killed her.

When she was done, his look was one of sympathy. "That big heart a yours is a thing of beauty. Even I'm not so forgiving. I'll tell you what, I won't haul his sorry ass off to Hell…but he's not gonna be like the other angels. You understand? He did a bad thing. He can't just skate into Heaven without repentance."

She patted his arm. "I understand completely. But if you'll just give him toilet duty or cleaning floors with a toothbrush or something, he has an eternity to make it up to the Big Guy."

"He'll be under lock and key for eternity with only occasional trips to the recess area. You understand that, right?"

"You have a recess area?" She shook her head with a smile. "Doesn't matter. It has to be a whole lot cooler there than in Hell." Ralph stood on tiptoe and gave him a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you, Titus. I'll always be grateful."

"Bring it in," he ordered, giving her the best hug she'd had in a long time. "Now, go live your life with your beau and your new friends. I'll see ya around." Then he turned to saunter over to Michael, picking him up with his index finger and thumb, glaring into his terrified eyes as he held him up. "C'mon, you rapscallion. Your gilded cage awaits."

As Titus wandered off into the light, Shamus grabbed her hand with a handsome smile. "You ready?"

"For?" she asked, as they followed George and Dex and the others out of the light.

"For a cheeseburger? Demon fighting and tsunamis make for hungry work."

She laughed, feeling lighter than she had in days. "You buyin'? Cause I have a feeling my debit card no longer works." Then she stopped dead in her tracks. "Hold on, if I can stay here on this plane, how am I going to go back to my old life? Everyone thinks I'm dead."

He pulled her into his embrace as she snuggled against his soggy jacket. "I don't know. But I do know we'll figure it out."

His arms around her made her feel like that was true. "Do you like mustard on your cheeseburger?" she asked as she snuggled against his chest.

"That's disgusting." Shamus rumbled his disapproval. "I rescind my offer. If you're going to deface a perfectly good cheeseburger with mustard, we can't date."

Grabbing his hands, she pulled him with her toward the end of the light with a laugh. "I bet I can change your mind," she teased.

"I dunno, beautiful lady. Mustard's a pretty serious felony in my book."

"What about if I offer to share my bacon, huh? Hmmm, bacon." She rubbed her belly.

Shamus barked a laugh. "Aha! Now we're talking. I might have to reconsider. How about we go see what we can see?"

Ralph let him tuck her next to his side. "Let's go see what we can see."

As they strolled out of the light, Ralph smiled to herself, keeping her fingers crossed they'd see it together.