Chapter 10

Hell.

Yeah. That's what all those words equaled.

"Hell?" Shamus repeated, his mouth falling open. "How did she get there?" He came to stand by her, peering at her with his beautiful eyes and scratching his beard. Lifting her chin, he asked, "Are you okay?"

"You mean, besides the guy who tried to choke me out with his kung-fu grip? Or that I just fell through the time/space continuum?—"

"That was a portal," Darnell corrected, rocking back on his heels.

"Right. A portal. I fell through a portal. Then sure. I'm fine."

Wanda hooked her arm through Darnell's, giving him a peck on the cheek. "Hey, big guy. How are you? Missed you lately."

He smiled fondly at her, giving her a squeeze with his beefy arm. "I'm fine, Boss. You good, too?"

She smiled warmly up at him. "I'm good. So how did you find our wayward ghost? Talk about random."

He grinned at Ralph then. "I'm Darnell, by the way. The demon. Good to meet ya."

He extended one of his enormous hands, and she tried to take it, but as was her new normal, it fell right through his in a wisp of billowy smoke.

"Sorry. Ghosts and their quirks, right?" she said on a laugh. "I'm Ralph Tucci. It's nice to finally meet you."

He cocked his head. "Finally?"

"Long story, big guy," Nina answered. "I'll tell you all about how we met Glow Stick later."

"All good, and to answer your question, Ms. Wanda, I was havin' a beer with an old buddy a' mine when he heard there was an uproar down there with one of your clients. You're not just famous here. They know y'all three in Hell, too. So I went to take a look, see what was cookin'. Some guy had her 'round the throat. She was tryin' to get away. I got her when he loosened his grip."

And thank God for that. "Thank you, Darnell. I don't know how I got there, but I'm sure glad you came to my rescue. I'm still getting my feet wet with this ghost thing." But then a thought occurred to her. "Wait, you… you could touch me! You carried me out of there like a football. How can that be?"

Darnell gave her an odd look. "No one can touch ya?"

Ralph shook her head in disbelief. "No. Only Shamus, another long story, but none of the ladies can touch me. No one."

"Maybe in Hell my powers are stronger?" Darnell mused.

Ralph sighed in defeat. "There are so many nuances to being paranormal. Regardless, I don't know how I got there."

Shamus scratched his head, but his gorgeous green eyes were filled with concern. "I don't know how you got there, either. One minute you were here, the next, you were just gone."

"So what you're saying is, as a ghost, I can just randomly disappear with no rhyme or reason and land in Hell?"

He ran his hand over his tanned face, his brow furrowing. "I don't know. I don't have an answer. This has never happened before. I've never dealt with a ghost of this nature."

"I thought you were the fucking expert?" Nina said, jabbing him in the arm with a finger as she cradled Blanche.

"Nina, relax!" Marty demanded. "We're supposed experts, and we don't always have all the answers, either. I'll put a call into George and see if she can poke around the Heavens and maybe explain this. Until then, knock it off. The man's doing everything he can to help. We all are."

The guilt Ralph was feeling for consuming their entire day and night only intensified. They'd been so incredibly kind to her, and she'd taken up enough of their time. She didn't want to disturb any more of their schedules, their lives.

She might not be the bravest, but she'd figure that out, too. She always did.

As she hovered, Ralph looked at them. "Listen, I'm doing nothing but disrupting your lives, and you've all been really lovely. Now that I know I can leave the castle without a vortex sucking me into its black claws and Blanche is safe, I can just go back to my apartment. It's not like anyone will know I'm there once Shamus's fairy dust wears off, anyway. I'll be fine."

"The fuck you will, Glow Stick," Nina groused. "You got some trick tryin' to choke you out. Accident or not, you're not goin' anywhere without us. Besides, Carl wants to meet you. He'll be back a little later tonight with my husband, Greg. They've been on a golfing trip. He'd be so pissed if he missed you."

But Ralph shook her head, even if her heart felt empty. "I can't let you do that. It's too much. I can wait for Carl and then I'll be on my way."

"Of course, you can, Mistress Tucci," Arch said with a smile, appearing out of nowhere. "You shall stay until this has been sorted. You're safe with my girls. They'll make certain of it. While I realize food isn't on your agenda at the moment, I insist you sit with us and at least endeavor to partake of our family time. I'll hear nothing further on the matter." He motioned toward the dining room table, clicking his heels. "Now, come. Dinner is served."

Marty grinned, a gleam in her eye, pointing to the dining room. "You heard him, and when Arch says it's family time, it's family time. Get a move on!"

Her heart warmed in her chest. She ate alone all the time. It was just her and Blanche most nights. She'd seen their family dinners. They were always filled with laughter and plenty of food.

Even if she couldn't eat whatever delight Arch had cooked up (and apparently she could afford to miss a meal or two, after seeing her chalk outline, thank you very much), it would be nice to be a part of their circle.

As they all took their places around the long wood table, and Arch filled it with mountainous plate after mountainous plate of food she found herself salivating over, Shamus sat next to her.

Leaning in, he whispered, "I'm sorry I don't know more about exactly what's happening, but I'm still convinced you're a psychopomp. It's the only explanation for what happened with Gloria."

Ignoring the shiver his voice sent skittering up her spine, and the tickle his beard made against her ear, Ralph sighed. "Right. I'm the ghostess with the mostest, yes? Because I've been a good girl all my life, I get to take only the very best of the best to the afterlife."

"There's more. There's so much more, Ralph," he said with such conviction, such passion, it took her breath away. "And as soon as we get with George and Dex, I hope we have more answers. In the meantime, we're going to try a séance. I've had some success with them. Until then, I'm asking you to be patient with me. Can you do that?"

She could think of a lot of things she could do—especially to him.

Stahhhp behaving like a horny teenager, Ralph.

Why was this happening in her life now? Where had a guy like him been when she was alive and capable of going on a date, sharing a meal with a prospective suitor?

Maybe this deep pull she was experiencing was the result of the trauma of her death—like trauma bonding. Or maybe she was just long overdue for a little…

Ahem.

Straightening, Ralph cleared her throat, nodding. "I promise to try, but I have to say, I hope you're right. Hell was terrifying. It made me glad I was such a goody two-shoes all my life. But I do wonder, how did a guy as sweet as Darnell become a demon? Hell feels all wrong for a nice guy like him."

Darnell leaned across the table, planting his big forearms on the surface and grinning at her. "Long story, but the short end of it is, I sold my soul to the devil."

Oh. Ralph blanched.

Nina cackled at her reaction. "It's true, but it was all bullshit, and one of these days, when we don't have to have a fucking séance to contact your new damn friends, we'll tell you all about it."

"A séance," she mumbled. "Do they really work?"

Shamus stuffed a forkful of scalloped potatoes into his mouth with a nod. "Sometimes. I've done a few successfully for ghosts who've contacted me and wanted to speak to their families. It's an easy way to relay messages to them from the afterlife without them thinking I'm a complete whack."

Wanda nibbled on a buttery dinner roll. "But how do you convince them their family members contacted you? Don't they think you're trying to bilk them out of money?"

Shamus nodded. "They sure do, but typically the ghost has given me some kind of sensitive information only they'd be privy to, and I share that with them. Plus, I don't take any money. Also, It's not something I do often. Mostly, people contact me for the reasons Nina did. They want me to rid them of an unwanted ghost."

Ralph made a face. "Did you call me unwanted, Vampire?" she teased.

"Damn straight, I did. How the fuck did I know you were a mild-mannered school teacher who owns a damn bookstore? We deal with a lot of crazies. I'm just lookin' out for my own, and I knew somethin' wasn't right here. Now I know why, Glow Stick." She winked.

She giggled, wishing with all her heart she could have but a taste of the delicious looking fried chicken Arch had made in copious quantities. "Point for the vampire."

"Anyway," Shamus continued. "If I can get at least one ghost to show up who might know something, maybe we can figure out what's going on up there."

"Will they be able to tell me why I was in Hell?" Simply saying that made her stomach somersault.

"Speaking of Hell, did the person who grabbed you say anything? Did you see anything? Can you give us even a small clue as to where you were within Hell. There are levels, you know. It might help to know which one you were on," Marty inquired, wiping her mouth with a linen napkin.

Ralph, once more, was gobsmacked. "You've been to Hell, haven't you?" By now, she should be numbed to the fantastical events these women had been a part of, but Hell? C'mon.

Marty nodded, her perfectly highlighted blonde hair shiny under the chandelier above the table. "Yeah. Not a great time. It involved Wanda's sister, Casey. She's a demon, too."

No. Not now. No more paranormal adventures for the moment. She wasn't equipped for the brain overload after a trip to Hell.

Wanda reached over and tried to pat her hand, without success. "I think Ralph needs a break from our shenanigans. How about we talk about what happened," she pointed to the floor, "down there."

Ralph told them what she saw, and what the man who'd tried to choke her said.

"Any idea what part of Hell she was in, Darnell? I don't know if that shit's gonna make a difference, but it can't hurt to know."

Darnell set his fork down. "The bad part. Where it's dark, and the scum of the Earth go to be even scummier."

Ralph gulped, but she remained silent.

Marty nibbled at her nail. "He said you couldn't shut up that night either? I'm banking on it being the guy who unalived you. It makes sense. Can you remember anything about your death, Ralph? Anything at all?"

Pausing, Ralph shook her head. She'd really tried to remember what happened that night for days now, but it was all one big blank, black slate. One minute she was unpacking boxes, the next…nothing.

"I've tried. Believe me, while I was floating around here this last week, I tried hard. I can't remember anything."

"What about his voice? Did you recognize it at all, Ms. Ralph?" Darnell asked before taking an enormous bite of a crispy drumstick.

"Nope. Nothing. And when he grabbed me today, I only saw him briefly. It was a total flash of a blur." Ralph shrugged, feeling a little defeated. "Maybe I'm a different kind of traumatized than Shamus thought. Maybe, being that the category of ghost I am is so confounding and rare, so are the symptoms? Maybe I am traumatized, but not in a way you've ever experienced?"

Shamus planted his arms on the table. "Maybe that's true. There's a first time for everything, I suppose. I'm hoping we'll at least have some answers after the séance. For now, that's all I have."

Marty slapped her hand on the table with a smile. "So, a séance it is. Nina, get the candles and the sage! We have some ghosts who have some splainin' to do!"