Chapter 6

SIX

Zoe

I stand there at the front door, knocking lightly. I don't know why lightly because it's only 5pm but I hope she's in. The door opens and Beth is there, still in her work clothes, holding a tray of fish fingers and chips in a hand with an oven glove.

‘Zoe? Oh man, have you been crying? Shit, come in,' she says, panicked.

Beth lives a few streets down from me so she felt like the person I could turn to in my hour of need. Quick cup of tea, tell her what happened, find reasonable solutions, and go home to my own kids.

‘I'm not intruding, am I? Is it dinner time? I don't want to spoil time with your boys,' I say, tucking my bag under my arm, looking down the hallway at her lads who are sitting at the table.

‘God, no. Come in,' she says, leading me in and rushing back into the kitchen. ‘Joey Joe, I said a little blob of ketchup. Like a coin.' I look down at his plate, at a large coaster-sized ketchup tsunami. Beth looks at it, too, and shakes her head. ‘Well, it's all vitamins. Boys, this is Aunty Zoe – the one who works at Mummy's school. Take a seat…'

‘Hi, Aunty Zoe!' Joe chirps. He pats a chair next to him, looks up at my face and hugs me. I'll take that hug, you beautiful blond little boy. I watch as Beth empties the tray of beige food onto their plates, helping herself to a fish finger in the process and offering me one. I don't say no. Maybe a fish finger is the answer, but even that sounds rude. I just sit there and look into space picturing what just happened, literally forty-five minutes ago.

Beth studies my face as she breaks up Jude's food with child-sized cutlery, giving me a moment to compose myself. She gets up, moving around the kitchen and takes a couple of wine glasses out. This is why we like Beth – this was not a time for a cup of tea. But I will also admit to liking Beth's house; it feels like a throwback to mine, toys scattered around the place, the fridge doors filled to the brim with toddler art and very small items of laundry just hanging off airers. It makes me wonder how Lottie and Dylan were ever this small.

‘Is it Brian? Has he been a ding-dong again?' she asks, smelling the top of a bottle of half-drunk rose wine in the fridge, checking if it's acceptable to serve to guests.

‘A what now?' I ask her, laughing. She passes me the glass and I take a large swig from it. The boys chuckle over their dinners.

‘Oh, Joe got told off in school for calling someone a B-E-L-L-E-N-D, so Will and I are trialling alternative terms for stupid people.'

‘Well, not Brian for a change, though he still remains the biggest ding-dong known to man.'

‘Ding-dong,' Joe says, sniggering.

‘I just…' I fumble for the words, wondering how to put this. ‘Jack. You know Jack? From the wedding and now he's at school, and he's teaching. The one we were talking about today.'

She nods slowly.

‘I K-I-S-S-E-D him. Today. Just now. By the bike sheds,' the words explode out of me, and I emit a sound that's half laugh, half shriek. I cover my mouth. I've told someone. Joe and Jude look very confused by me as does Beth, who stops for a moment not knowing whether to laugh or cry or be shocked.

‘By the bike sheds?' she says, incredulous.

I'm still laughing and nod, not able to stop.

‘Hon, then why are you crying? Did something else happen?' she says cautiously. ‘Was he…'

I shake my head, smiling, reliving every single moment in my head, taking a huge gulp of rose to steady myself. I kissed him. I made the move. A move I hadn't made since I was at least twenty. Since first getting together with Brian all those decades ago. And the feeling was exhilarating, bizarrely strange. And I think about Jack's words. His compliments. Maybe it's because I haven't heard those words from someone of the opposite sex for an age. And those words chipped away at the core of me, some hardened core that refused to believe I was worthy of compliments anymore. You are just someone's mum, someone's teacher, someone lost in time and space who fumbles through, surviving. And so to feel seen makes my eyes well up. Unless Ed and Mia did pay him to say it, then I won't speak to them ever again.

Beth smiles, taking a sip from her wine glass. ‘Are you just a bit emotional then that you've had a K-I-S-S and it's been a really long time and it was really nice?'

I nod, still a little wordless. She beams back at me. Joe offers me a chip and I don't refuse. I dip it in his puddle of ketchup. I feel like there's a jet stream of emotions running through my veins. I kissed him in the dark corner of that bike shed. I don't know whether I was supposed to do that. Maybe he was just trying to show me some sincerity. But I got caught in some emotion that I didn't think I was capable of feeling anymore. It was one of those kisses that brimmed with urgency, a feeling I got myself swept up in, the sensation of his lips pressing against mine, a hand to my back, pulling me in so our hips touched. I remove my scarf as I feel the colour rise in my cheeks.

‘And did anything else happen?' Beth asks.

‘God, no. Actually, I panicked. Like, we had a moment but then I remembered that there are cameras there…'

Beth giggles.

‘I'm serious. Remember when all those bikes started to go missing? How will I look at Kev the caretaker ever again? I could lose my job!' I say, panicked.

‘Zo, have you met the PE department? They're feral. I think they're the reason we had to steam clean the sofas in the staff room. You just had a little K-I-S-S by the bike sheds. Did you use…' She sticks her tongue out at me, and I let out a little yelp, nodding. Beth can't control her laughter and Jude giggles in return. ‘And how did you leave it?'

‘I panicked. I told him there were cameras and literally ran to my car… and you know I don't really run and then I sat there in my car and cried for twenty minutes before I thought to come here because if I went home to my kids then they'd want to know why I was crying, and I'd have to lie.'

Beth puts her bottom lip out. ‘Oh, Zoe. Joe-Joe, give Aunty Zoe a hug again.' Joe does as he's told, and I bury my face in his hair which smells all fruity like kids' shampoo. I really shouldn't cry in front of this little one. I'll be known as Crazy Aunty Zoe. ‘You cried because you're sad it happened?' Beth continues.

‘Not at all. I think they were happy tears. I think it just unlocked a lot of emotion I was keeping down. Emotions about me and how I felt about myself. Maybe. I think I was also shocked. I haven't K-I-S-S-E-D anyone for a long time. I think I was still surprised I worked or that I knew what I was doing. And all that emotion I felt. It was like…' I take another long sip of wine to steady myself. It was like electricity running through me, like in all those Avengers films that Dylan has made me watch. I felt charged, full of power, a power which had previously been taken away from me and I didn't know what to do with any of it.

‘I mean, the bonus is he's kind of cute, Zoe,' she says. Joe scowls at her. ‘Not as cute as you, though, bub.'

Joe beams at her.

‘But twenty-nine? Really?'

‘And? Technically, you're both millennials so it's allowed, by law,' she says, helping herself to some more of Jude's chips. ‘Can you imagine Brian's face, though, when he finds out? I'd like to be there. Could you plan it so I'm there?' she says.

I open my mouth in laughter but more so in shock. Jack is the first person I've kissed since Brian, and I hate that Brian even comes to mind in a moment like this; that he'll always be the person to which I compare everything. Technically, I'm still married. It feels almost wrong. But it would also be the best comeback to all his shithousery. Could I use Jack like that? I wouldn't want to take advantage of all the empathy and kindness he's shown me so far. Not that I would know how to take advantage of him at all, and suddenly the thought of this progressing further than a kiss makes me a little hot under the collar again.

‘I can't even fathom taking this further, Beth. I haven't done this, anything like this, in an age. This is beyond my frame of know-how.' I'm not even joking. I was stood in my STEM club thinking about my evening ahead. I thought about the half a tiramisu I was looking forward to finishing in my fridge. I was thinking about picking up bread and milk on the way back home, watching Ted Lasso , bringing a glass of water to bed, arguing with the kids about their phone and sleep habits, not before changing into my pyjamas and watching Instagram videos on my phone of either cats falling off chairs or someone showing me three-ingredient air fryer recipes that I will marvel at and save but never recreate myself. That was me, that was my life, and it was mundane and routine, but the predictability was a comfort. Then along came Jack. Like a bloody human grenade. ‘What do I do now?'

‘Text him? He gave you the C-O-C-K emoji, maybe send him something? You're asking the wrong person, though. Seriously, Will and I text to tell each other to buy milk. I can ask my sister, she's very good at online flirting.'

I shake my head. Is this what people do now? Back when I first dated Brian, we sent each other suggestive messages on our NOKIA 360s but now there's a different world in front of me. It's pictures, emojis and GIF-based. I'd have to do so much, most of which would involve a heavy amount of hair removal.

‘Maybe I'll just leave it for now. I'll revel in the novelty,' I tell Beth, slightly more level-headed, not trying to get too ahead of myself.

‘Can I just say, though… look at how this has ignited something in you. Look how much you're smiling. That's a very good thing. You're one of the loveliest people I know so don't think you don't deserve this – just enjoy it for what it is,' she says, holding up her glass. I hold my own up and the boys join in with their plastic beakers filled with diluted squash. We all smile at each other. ‘To Zoe!'

‘Ohhh-eee!' Jude shrieks and we all take sips of our drinks, laughing as the front door opens.

Beth peers down the corridor. ‘It's DADDY!' she cheers, the boys joining in with their hands in the air. I remember moments like that once upon a time ago and I see the boys' faces light up.

Will sees my face and waves. ‘Zoe! To what do we owe the pleasure?'

‘Oh, I just thought I'd pop in for chips and squash,' I say as he comes into the kitchen, kissing the top of his wife's head and high-fiving his boys.

‘And what's new?' he asks.

Beth and I look at each other knowingly. I don't know how to explain any of this.

‘She kissed someone called Jack by the bike sheds and he sent her a picture of his ding-dong,' little five-year-old Joe repeats plainly. It would seem he does, though.

Jack

Let's get this straight. She kissed me. I didn't overstep. I was sincere about how I felt. I saw someone who was so hard on herself, whose self-esteem was in the absolute gutter, and I wanted to lift her up, make her feel worthy and believe those things about herself. But then there was a kiss, and it was the sum of those small physical moments of our hands touching, looks, proximity, and it had enough spark to have burnt those bike sheds down to the ground.

And I didn't quite know what to do. So now, I stand here in front of the door of this flat and knock loudly over the music. I hope they're not having a party in there because I, for one, will be upset that I haven't been invited. The door opens and Ed is there in tracksuit bottoms, looking slightly annoyed that someone's caught him in casual clothing.

‘Jack? Were we expecting you?' he says, welcoming me in and putting an arm around me. ‘MIA, DID YOU INVITE PEOPLE TO DINNER AGAIN?' he shouts into the kitchen.

Mia pops her head around the corner. If Ed has gone casual, Mia looks ready for bed, wearing a giant Snoodie. ‘JACK! No, but come in, you plonker. Come and save me from Ed who's explaining the importance of grade boundaries to me,' she jests, not before planting a big kiss on her husband's cheek to make it up to him.

I stroll through their flat, a place I've visited before, but which is very different to the house I currently inhabit. It really does feel like the next stage of adulthood with the prints on the wall and the stainless-steel kitchen. I also notice all the houseplants and examine a fern by the window that I do believe I bought for Ed myself. It still lives. This doesn't surprise me. Whilst a good majority of us came to university to escape, to discover, to drink cheap alcohol, it always came as a shock to me how concerned Ed was about his learning. To the point where sometimes I think he came innocent and left in exactly the same state. He was always a reliable sort, the only man I knew at university who had his own sandwich toaster and who cleaned it after every use.

Mia grabs a beer from the fridge for me, turning down the music as I take my coat off and sit down on an armchair, admiring Ed's matching throw cushions.

‘To what do we owe the pleasure then?' Ed asks. ‘Do you want to stay for dinner? We're having baked potatoes, but I can put in another and grate some more…'

‘I kissed Zoe Swift by the bike sheds,' I tell them, clutching on to my beer, my mouth a little dry to have said that out loud.

Ed pauses for a moment. I'm not sure whether it's because I interrupted his baked potato talk or he just doesn't know how to respond. Mia, however, punches the air in delight. Their reactions are so different that I really don't know how to feel about the situation. Mia comes over and hugs me and all I can say is that her velveteen Snoodie is extremely soft. It's like hugging a very large rabbit.

‘I knew it, knew it, knew it! You kissed? What else happened?' Ed shifts his wife a look as if disapproving of her urge to find out all the salacious details. If anything else followed on, it doesn't feel like Ed wants to be party to it, but it was just a kiss and one that was quite extraordinary. Sometimes kisses can be like that – they can be filled with longing, a sharing of something so intimate that it imprints itself on to you and you imagine what will follow, what could be. I can still feel the touch of her lips on mine.

Ed remains quiet, looking at me. He plants himself on a neighbouring sofa and Mia goes to sit down next to him.

‘You're mad?' I ask him, taking a long sip of beer, fearing his judgement.

‘Not mad, just, she's been through a lot. I think I feel a bit protective towards her.'

Mia rests her head on her husband's shoulder, curling her legs up towards him.

‘I know, mate, and I don't want to hurt her, I really don't.'

‘So how did you leave things?' Mia asks excitedly, putting a handful of peanuts in her mouth and offering me some.

‘I have a feeling she was kind of freaked out.' There was a moment when she backed away from me and just looked at me in shock and I couldn't read her expression at all. Did she like that? Or not?

‘There are cameras there,' Zoe said. ‘We have at least three bikes stolen from here a month.'

I didn't know how to reply to that. Could we talk about the kiss? We just kissed. I, for one, found it quite amazing and I wouldn't mind doing it again.

‘I have to go,' Zoe mumbled, clutching on to her keys so tightly that I could see her flesh go pale. ‘The cameras…' she said, pointing to two corners of the bike shed, her eyes darting around before she pulled a scarf over her mouth and literally jogged out of there towards the darkness and her car. I wasn't quite sure what that meant so I stood there for a moment. I just hope those cameras got my good side.

Ed grimaces. ‘Who kissed who?'

‘She kissed me,' I reply.

They sit there opposite me, trying to work out the details of the kiss, trying to decide if whatever we've started should persist for the greater good.

‘Are you a shit kisser?' Mia asks, wincing. ‘Ed, snog your friend and find out.'

Ed laughs it off, but her comment leaves me slightly paranoid, and I put a hand to my mouth. Was it a breath thing? I did have onions for lunch.

‘Maybe she was just slightly overwhelmed by the moment. When Mia first kissed me, I wasn't really sure what was going on. She took me by surprise. I had food in my mouth. I could have choked,' Ed informs me.

‘He loved it really,' Mia replies, blowing her husband a kiss. ‘Ed's right. Knowing Zoe, she's probably been with her husband for so long that she was likely just a little shocked that it happened. Plus, you're easy on the eye, so it was probably just panic.' Ed glares over at her. ‘Not as easy on the eye as you, though, love. Obviously. Did you enjoy it?'

‘Very much so,' I report, trying hard to keep my cool. Mia smiles at me knowingly, though. She knows that kiss was felt in my very core. It's all I've thought about for the last hour.

‘I mean, the other option is that she's kissed you and worked out it's too soon and she's not ready and if this is the case then I suggest a gigantic step back. Give her space and time to sort out what she wants.'

I nod. These two combined are quite a knowledgeable pair and it all makes a lot of sense. Let her decide. The kiss was the litmus test, and we shall see where it goes from here.

‘So, what do I do now?' I ask them.

‘Just don't send her another cock emoji,' Mia says, her finger pointed at me in warning.

‘It was a chicken. And how do you…?' I frown at them. Their eyes move in different directions.

‘She may have said something earlier today in the staff room. She was a little confused,' Ed confesses. ‘How did you not know what that emoji meant? Even I know that, and I didn't start using emojis until a year ago.'

I shrug. I've given myself an education today, though. I know not to send sushi emojis as well.

‘Also,' Mia says, leaning forward. ‘You didn't mention to us that she found out about her husband at our wedding. She said you were there.'

‘Yeah,' I say hesitantly. ‘I wasn't sure if it was my story to tell. But yeah, when she got the call from her daughter, we were chatting outside. So I share a lot of hatred for Brian and I don't even know the man.'

Mia suddenly sits bolt upright. ‘Oh my, if this goes further then, Ed, remind me to take some sort of group picture with Jack and Zoe and I'm going to tag the fuck out of it for Brian. Yes?'

Ed nods reluctantly.

‘Have you met Brian before?' I ask cautiously. ‘What am I dealing with here?'

Mia pulls a face at the mention of his name. ‘Bit boring, to be fair. Met him at a couple of Christmas parties. Old man denim, the sort who looks like he's into golf. Like, between you and him there's no comparison. You're like…' She studies my face. ‘Young Ryan Gosling vibes. He's a football pundit in sensible knitwear.'

Ed smirks which makes me think her assessment is pretty accurate. I'll take young Gosling. Your wife has excellent judgment but then she did choose you.

‘I wouldn't worry about him, though. He's made his bed and I do not think Zoe would go back there,' Mia continues, shaking her head.

‘Yeah. I think this is all about Zoe moving on. Let her make the first moves if this is a thing. Maybe take her out for coffee, a drink, dinner… don't go too quickly. Let her get to know you properly. For her, she'll have major trust issues. Someone she was with for years did the most awful thing so just go slow,' Ed adds.

Mia smiles at her husband still looking out for his colleague and takes Ed's beer bottle, helping herself to a sip. ‘And… I don't want to be presumptuous but if this is a thing, then maybe just lay down the parameters. Is it a rebound thing? What are the expectations? Because she has kids, you know, and I think whatever she feels, they will always come first for her,' she adds.

I nod, sincerely. I hadn't even thought that far ahead but even at this stage I know it's important for me to do the right thing by her.

‘I also don't know you well enough but, if Zoe's just some conquest, someone to add as a notch on a bedpost or if you are a complete shit to her, then I will come after you and I will kill you, and Ed knows all the lab techs so we'll make it look like an accident,' she tells me, a little harshly, with the finger pointing at me again, her eyes tense with a fire that tells me she's not messing around.

‘She's not joking,' Ed mumbles. I don't know whether to be scared or whether to be impressed that Ed married someone with a bit of spark. I've never been more scared of someone in a Snoodie. But all this love that they have for Zoe makes sense. I get it.

‘I promise, I will look after her,' I tell them, throwing some sort of Scout style salute to the air.

‘Like, if it goes next level, give her some proper orgasms, yeah? Something that will make her forget that complete bellend of a husband of hers. How's your technique?' she asks nonchalantly. I do applaud how much she cares about Zoe in a multitude of ways.

‘MIA!' Ed says, exasperated.

‘I'm just saying… when you say "look after her" then do it properly. It's no less than she deserves after what she's been through,' she continues, throwing her hands in the air.

‘I'm sorry about her, I really am,' Ed says, glaring at her but laughing at her audacity at the same time.

But they both have a point. Whoever Zoe was going to choose next was going to have mighty boots to fill, not to replace her husband but to restore her faith in men, in relationships, to let her know that love and all its complication is worth it. I'm not so arrogant to say I'd be able to do that, but after that kiss I know I'd at least like to try.

I take a large swig of my beer and watch the couple in front of me. I think I'm starting to come round to wanting something like this – the sort of affection they have towards each other. The way the laughter between them flows so effortlessly. And for a moment, I picture this with Zoe.

‘Also,' Ed says, looking thoughtful. I await his next pearls of wisdom. ‘Did you want to stay for that baked potato because if you do, I'd need to put it in now…'

Mia and I laugh. Oh, he was being serious.

I don't stay for a baked potato. Mainly because they do take a long time to cook but I know Frank's mum is making her legendary crispy belly pork for us and I am, in these situations, dictated by my stomach. However, I'm grateful that both Mia and Ed were able to sound me out.

As I head out of their flat and locate my bike I replay that scene in my head again. The moment her body relented, and I felt it fit against mine, the softness of her skin against my cheek. I unlock my bike and hear my phone ping in my pocket. I go to retrieve it and see a notification on my home screen. It's from Zoe. It's an emoji of a chicken. I laugh.