Chapter 18

EIGHTEEN

Zoe

I sit there on the sofa, looking out into the room as Dylan goes to answer the front door. ‘Everything alright, Dylan?' I hear a voice say.

‘Yeah, she's in the living room. I don't think she's OK,' I hear him reply.

Someone's here? Who's here? Dylan called someone? I look as two figures enter the room and, in my daze, I look up to see Mia and Beth both standing there over me. Mia sits down and immediately wraps her arms around me. I know she's pregnant, but I can't say anything. Beth just looks at the many tissues on the floor, wondering how to broach this.

‘Is it your ex again?' says Mia, almost seething with anger. Please don't get angry on my behalf. You're growing a baby inside you.

I shake my head, pointing to the tree and showing Beth the note. She gives it to Mia to read who immediately tears up. Dylan hovers by the door. Given Beth lives so close, Dylan and Lottie have sometimes offered their babysitting services to her little ones so it makes sense that he'd call her, but I start crying again to know I've worried him. I usher him in for a hug. All three of them look at me while I sit here sobbing my heart out.

‘Dylan, hon. Does Mum have alcohol in the house?' Beth asks me.

‘We might have something in the kitchen from Christmas?' he replies.

‘Perfect. Can you go fetch it?' Beth replies.

He leaves the room and Beth reaches over, sweeping her fingers under my eyes to wipe away the tears and correct the horrific mess I've obviously made of my eye make-up.

Mia re-reads the note again. ‘He's leaving tonight,' she tells Beth and to be reminded of that makes me cry again.

‘I'm so sorry that Dylan called you. What about your boys?' I ask her.

‘Will has the boys. It's all good. Stop worrying about me. Are you OK?'

I shake my head. I thought I was alright, I really did. Jack was going. Even though I had felt that loss since we broke things off, since convincing myself that this was the right thing to do, the note just cemented how much I have missed him.

Mia looks down at the tree. ‘That's quite frigging romantic, isn't it? Have you messaged him to thank him? You should send him a tree emoji,' she suggests.

‘She should send him wood?' Beth says.

‘Or bush, whatever,' Mia replies and for a moment the laughter, the distraction is welcome.

‘I have a question,' Beth asks. ‘Tell me to mind my own but why did you break up?'

I take a deep breath, my heart aching. I just remember standing there in that football field thinking that a bright and wonderful soul should be able to do anything he wants with his life. I didn't want the guilt of holding him back. ‘I knew that he had been offered that job and I didn't want him not to go, I didn't want him to stay for me,' I tell them through my tears. ‘The more I found out about him, the more I realised his life had stood still for his brother, and if he stayed for me then the same would have happened again.'

Beth looks at me, pained. ‘So you didn't give him the option. If you weren't an option then he would go.'

‘He would have the chance to live his own life. Not be pinned down by me,' I say.

‘I don't need to know what you get up to in the bedroom,' Mia jokes and I laugh, snot bubbling out of my nostrils. Beth passes me a tissue. ‘That's some "if you love someone, set them free" shit,' Mia continues, eloquently.

She said the word love. I shrug. It felt like the right, mature thing to do. I had to think about us outside of our bubble. I had to think of not only my future but also his and a time ten years down the line where he could look back and not have any second thoughts, no resentment. I had to be sensible because what we had was so heady, so potent that neither of us could think straight.

‘Did you love him?' Beth asks me.

I cry. I know I felt something. I was on the floor, and someone offered me a hand, they pulled me up, they danced with me and held me close. No one had done that for me before, but I never understood it. He was so good-looking, so special, that I spent so much time just looking around, wondering what was happening.

‘I've never met anyone like him before.'

‘How was the sex?' Mia whispers.

‘MIA!' Beth shrieks, looking out for where Dylan is in the house.

I laugh. ‘Mia, I had an orgasm so strong, my tongue went numb.'

She does a strange little dance next to my fireplace. ‘Knew it. I told him to look after you, by the way,' she adds, pointing at me.

‘But he looked after me in so many ways. He was kind and thoughtful and he just made me feel… alive…' I tell them. ‘And when he was near, it did feel like nothing else mattered. That's quite a special thing.'

Mia holds Beth's arm near as they stand there bearing witness to this. Dylan suddenly re-appears clutching three or four bottles of half-drunk Christmas alcohol and glasses. Mia examines each bottle, pouring me a small glass of cranberry flavoured gin that Kate gifted me. Dylan looks on at this scene thoughtfully and I catch his eye, glancing down at the card from Jack.

‘Dylan, I'm sorry I've worried you. Please don't worry about me. I'm just being silly about something,' I say, wiping at my face.

‘Is it something to do with Jack?' he asks. Both Mia and Beth look at each other, taking a step back.

‘I guess.'

‘Jack – we met him at football and his mates gave me a lift to Birmingham that time,' he says casually.

I nod.

‘Were you going out with him?' he asks me. And for a moment, I don't quite know what to say. To be frank, we were kinda just shagging and hadn't put a label on it. But he was someone I cared for greatly, that much I know now. I still don't know what to say but Dylan looks up at me and I realise that he had a parent who lied to him for almost a year, so it's not fair to have another parent do it to him, too.

‘Yes. For a couple of months but it didn't work out.'

Dylan seems to exhale a sigh of relief that I've been truthful and smiles. ‘I kind of knew.'

I turn to him sharply. ‘What? How?'

‘When his friends drove me to Birmingham, they thought I had headphones on and wasn't listening to their conversation, but I was. They were talking about Jack and how he never calls in favours. They said you must be quite special if he was calling this in on his behalf.'

‘Oh,' I reply blankly.

‘The football thing confirmed it. The Laser Tag excuse was pretty piss poor,' he says, half laughing.

‘Jack took you to Laser Tag?' Mia interrupts.

‘It was for a kids party,' I try to explain. I turn back to Dylan to hear him continue.

‘Then that night I came back from Liam's house, you were sitting in the front room crying, trying to tell me you were watching a sad film, and I just had a hunch something had happened.'

I stop to think about how I never revealed any of this to the kids for fear of how they would react, but Dylan seems so incredibly chilled by this information.

‘Does Lottie know?'

‘No. She's not as smart as me, you know,' he jokes.

‘And how do you feel about it all?' I ask him, curiously.

‘I guess he's not who I imagined you with.'

‘Too young?' I say.

‘Nah, like I know I'm a guy but he's really good looking, Mum. You've got play.'

Mia cackles in reply, pushing my arm.

‘But there was a time when I worried I'd never get my mum back. What Dad did hurt you so much, and I saw how sad you were, and I just didn't know what to do. And then Jack came along, and he made you really happy. He brought you back in the room. So yeah…' he continues. ‘I'll always miss what we were but I'm happy you had someone to remind you how fucking great you are.'

And at this point, I worry for poor Dylan because there are three of us sobbing in that room and he looks completely lost to know what to do.

‘Don't swear,' I tell him.

‘But you are fucking great,' he says, giving me the biggest of hugs. ‘Why aren't you going out with him anymore?' he asks.

They all stand there looking for an answer. ‘Oh, Dyls. I just… I didn't want him to commit to a life with me. I wasn't sure what I wanted. I just felt too old for all that dating shit.'

‘Mum, you're old. You're not dead,' he says, and Beth and Mia explode into giggles. ‘If he likes you and you like him, maybe you've got to go for it – not stand back because you're…'

‘Scared.'

‘Exactly.'

Mia puts an arm around Dylan to signal her approval. ‘I like this one. He has a very good point. Did Jack say he loved you?' she asks me.

I nod, tears in my eyes.

‘And do you love him?' Beth continues.

Again, I nod. I felt something I'd not felt in a very long time. I felt seen. I felt an emotion so intense that it scared me. To feel it suddenly again after Brian, to think of potentially losing it again. But yes, the way it took hold of me felt very much like love. ‘But he's leaving. He's taken that job. I don't want to get in the way of that. He needs to go.'

‘But maybe he needs to hear that you feel the same way about him? Maybe?' Mia tells me.

‘I don't want to mess with his head,' I say.

‘But what do you want?' Beth asks me.

I am Zoe Swift. I want to say I've never done anything spontaneous before in my life, but I kissed Jack first, I invited him up to my room, I made all those first moves because he drew that out of me. He made me experience a joy, a belief in myself that I'd never experienced.

‘Do we know what airport he's going from?' I ask Mia, frantically, pushing my hair back from my face and wiping my face.

‘No, but I can find out. I'll ring Ed. He can come and pick us up,' she says, her feet jigging from side to side. ‘Are we really doing this?'

And for a moment, I look over at Dylan whose face registers an emotion I can't quite read. There was me thinking this would make him sad, that it would change too much in his life too quickly but all I see is excitement, happiness – a boy with this wonderfully calm and empathetic soul. I don't know where he gets that from, not at all. He comes over to hug me and I sob on to his shoulder.

‘Thank you, Dyls.'

‘It's fine,' he says coolly. ‘Was Jack the one who sent us that Nando's the night we came back from Manchester?' he asks when we're in hold.

‘Yeah.'

‘Yeah, then I like him. He's a real one.'

Jack

‘BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT SHOES WERE SO HEAVY, DENNIS!'

The woman in front of me in check-in has a suitcase open on the floor. Her husband is refusing to pay the excess luggage fee and telling her she has to dump some shoes. Like put them in the bin because there's nothing else to do with them. Naturally, she's not happy and arguing her case whereas the rest of us in this queue at Heathrow are wondering why we didn't think to check-in online.

‘THOSE ARE EXPENSIVE!'

‘EXPENSIVE MY ARSE, PATRICIA! THEY'RE HIGH STREET TAT!'

I spy Dom and the boys waiting for me in the corner of the airport. We had a leaving McDonald's as my farewell meal which felt economical but also fitting. It was always a fancy night out in our books and given I was headed to quite a remote part of Borneo, I did wonder about the next time I'd be able to indulge in a highly processed, deep-fried meal. I don't think Patricia and Dennis are headed to where I'm going. Her suitcase reveals a fair number of sarongs, sandals and suncream and… oh dear, I need to look away. Because it also looks like Patricia has packed some sex toys, which she might need if Dennis decides to go on this holiday without her. Patricia, close your bag. I can see your butt plugs. You didn't look the sort but, hell, I won't judge. She's still sifting through her shoes when I bend down below the barrier. The person at the front of the queue eyeballs me. Please don't worry, I'm not taking your place.

‘Hi, Patricia… is it?'

She glares at me with tears in her eyes. Please don't cry. You're headed off on holiday and it'll be a long flight to have an argument simmering like that. Plus, I'm trying to save you your blushes here.

‘I just… I do believe that there is a courier in the terminal. Maybe they'll box up the shoes and other items you can't take and maybe you could post it back to your house?' I tell her.

‘Really?' she asks me. ‘Dennis! This young man said I can post my shoes back to myself.'

Dennis looks over at me with my giant rucksack on my back and hoodie and sneers with an immediate mistrust, like I may be trafficking drugs about my person. I'm not sure who he is to judge, given what I've just seen in his wife's suitcase.

‘It's just an option. I'm just trying to mediate another solution to your problems.' They continue to bicker as the line moves on and more check-in desks suddenly open.

‘Thank you,' Patricia says, fluttering her eyelashes at me and putting a hand to my arm. I know flirting when I see it and from the looks of it, Dennis isn't too impressed. Happy holidays, you two. I move forward in the queue and head to a free check-in desk.

‘Evening, sir,' the check-in agent says as I place my travel documents in front of him. He flicks through the papers.

‘So, London to Singapore and then final destination of Kota Kinabalu?'

Final destination. I am not quite sure how I feel about the word final but yes. For now, that's where I will land, and for a moment, I'm not quite sure how I feel about any of it. I nod as he starts keying in buttons on his computer, and checking I match my passport. It's the dream job, it really is, and Sarah has sorted everything on the other end from the accommodation to buying me a new bike with a bell. She was very excited to tell me she'd sourced me a bell. But there's some fear there to be leaving Dom, to be away from everything, and also a very raw ache to be away from Zoe. She doesn't want me. I get that now, but I do worry if I took this job as a reaction to being dumped. Maybe.

‘So we have an aisle seat for you today and I've booked all the tickets for you through to Kota Kinabalu. Only one bag to check in?'

‘Yep. Travelling light.'

The agent glares down at Patricia and Dennis still squabbling. ‘Best way,' he whispers. ‘Thank you for being so easy.'

‘Yep, usually takes a few drinks,' I joke.

He laughs and Dennis looks over, glaring at me again. ‘Have a nice flight, Mr Damon.'

I take my smaller rucksack and exhale a deep cleansing breath, heading over to the boys. I'm not sure I like airports. There really is a collective sense of tension in these places. People rushing around on sprawling shiny floors, their eyes scanning the walls for flight details, eyes widening to hear announcements they can't quite make out, trying to juggle children, trollies, suitcases, their sanity. Even that word – departures – holds some sadness. I am leaving, departing, moving on.

‘I reckon I just saw David Beckham,' Dom tells me as I relocate them in their corner of the airport.

‘Just casually checking in with the peasants, was he?' I joke.

‘He's trying to blend in. If you do end up sitting next to him, you'll say hi – yes?'

I know what he's doing. He's an emotional sort so he's just trying to fill the conversation with bad humorous segues to distract from all of that. Maybe this was a bad idea. I should stay here with them and we can play Nerf gun wars until the twins leave home and then we can live together.

He senses the panic in my face. ‘It's all good. Let's get you through security and then you don't have to stress.' He starts walking as the boys circle us, super happy that they've discovered they can skid across these floors with their trainers.

‘So give me your itinerary,' Dom asks.

‘Flying into Singapore to meet Sarah and then we fly onwards to Borneo. Should get there in just over two days.'

‘Just let me know when you've landed, yeah? Signs of life and all that.'

I smile. He's taking on some big brother stance. I put an arm around him, grateful for it, completely. ‘Of course.' We stop in front of security and he brings me in for a hug, not quite saying a word. Please be OK.

Two heads suddenly squish in this hug and I feel hands reaching around my waist. I can't cry in front of the boys, but I like this octopus-style way of saying goodbye. I look down. ‘You two look after your dad, yeah?'

They both look up at me. ‘Yeah. We will. Who's going to look after you, though?' asks George.

‘Most likely my mates, Sarah and Hakeem – maybe the orangutans.'

‘But Zoe will be there, too.'

We never told the boys about Zoe, and it pains me to hear that they liked her. I did. I liked her very much.

‘Zoe?' I ask them. ‘She's… No, we… She's not coming,' I tell them.

‘Then why is she here?' asks Barney.

As soon as he says the words, Dom and I look at each other and then let go, my eyes following Barney's hand as he points towards someone standing away from us. Zoe? She's here? She stands there in a black winter coat and scarf, taking off her hat and ruffling her curls. She puts a hand to the air, and I return the gesture. My whole being aches to see her. Why are you here? Mia and Ed are here, too. I don't quite know what to do but the boys do, and they run towards her.

‘Zoe! Why are you here?' George says, stealing my line.

She bends down to hug them. ‘How are you, boys? I thought I better come and say goodbye to Uncle Jack. Is that OK?'

They nod as Dom salutes us both. ‘Come on, boys. Let's go buy Uncle Jack some sweets for the flight.' I wave at Ed and Mia, keeping their distance as Zoe returns to her feet and we stand there facing each other. I don't know what to say to her. I want to embrace her tightly. I want to say I spend a good portion of every day thinking about you, that all that emotion I felt for you never quite went away. I don't think it has.

‘You're here…'

‘I am.'

‘You could have called, sent an emoji,' I tell her.

‘I was told the tree emoji could be too suggestive.'

‘This is true.'

I reach up and put a hand to her face as I can tell she's been crying.

‘Was it the tree? Did it make you cry?'

‘Yes. Very much so.'

‘I'm sorry.'

She shakes her head with a smile. ‘Never apologise to me.'

All I see is her. In this crowded, rammed departures hall, surrounded by trollies, people, lights and announcements, it feels like I could just stand here and hold her hand in this little bubble, until this place empties and they turn off all the lights.

‘Are you all checked in?' she asks.

‘Yeah, I have about…' I look at my watch. ‘Two hours until boarding.'

Her eyes well up and I take her hands in mine to try and halt all that emotion in its tracks.

‘I came here to tell you something. I want you to go. I think it's really important that you go today and that you have the best adventure, but I needed to let you know something first,' she says.

I lean into her to catch all her words, watching the warmth exude from her face, the way I can tell she pauses to carefully select her words.

‘I did love you.'

I stop to take a breath as she says that, squeezing my hands tightly.

‘I was completely and utterly overwhelmed by you. I didn't expect it. I couldn't quite believe it and I was never quite sure what to do with it. I felt like some very stupid, old…'

I put a finger to the air.

‘More experienced?'

I allow her to continue.

‘…woman who was battling with so many things and who just didn't want to get hurt again.'

‘I'd never have hurt you, Zoe.'

‘Oh, you did anything but,' she tells me. She squeezes my hand. ‘You rebuilt me. You and your strange magic made me feel again. I felt alive. And I fell in love with you completely.' Her voice shakes, her bottom lip wobbling. ‘I am sorry I made you think I didn't love you. I really am.'

I stand there in shock. She did feel all of that, too. All that spark, all that connection. For weeks, I've been trying to work out what had happened. ‘But Zoe… I…' I stand there at the security gate, looking at the queues of people waiting to go in.

She follows my gaze. ‘In Winchester, I saw a message on your phone about the job,' she goes on to explain, ‘and deep down, I felt it would be selfish of me to keep you from that.'

‘So you lied,' I tell her.

‘You could argue I loved you so much that I just wanted what was best for you.'

‘Maybe that's you,' I say resolutely.

‘Maybe.'

‘I've not crossed over yet. I could stay,' I tell her, slightly frantic, unsure of what this all means.

‘Not a chance,' she tells me, kissing my hands. ‘Go. Enjoy. I just wanted to tell you that if you've seen my light burning fucking bright, it's only been because of you, Jack Damon.' She shakes her head to be saying it all out loud but only because it feels like a revelation to her, too. I keep looking up at the board, listening to mumbled announcements about boarding gates but also looking at her, feeling that radiance that's always shone from her, wondering where we go from here.

‘I really do love you,' I tell her.

‘I know. You bought me a tree.'

I pull her into me, whispering in her ear, ‘And chicken. Don't forget the chicken.' And she laughs. And it's like music. Our faces meet and I wrap my arms around her picking her up in that airport so her feet skim the floor. I push the hair from her face and kiss her, the closeness of her, the intensity of feeling still flooding every cell. It's still everything I knew I wanted, just this amazing woman in front of me, to be able to hold her for as long as I can.

I rest my cheek against hers. ‘I don't want this to be goodbye.'

‘I don't think it is,' she whispers back to me, reassuringly. ‘Go. Let's see where this takes us, yeah?'

I nod. ‘I guess we should try to keep in touch. Can I write to you?' I ask.

‘Write?'

‘Letters,' I tell her.

‘That's old school…'

And I laugh, in the middle of that very crowded airport. ‘Seriously? Have I taught you nothing? Less of the old, yeah?'