Chapter 14

FOURTEEN

Zoe

‘Hold up, let me take a picture,' Jack tells me, holding his phone up at me in the street. What I want to say is please don't put this online, but there's still some residual joy in what I've achieved tonight. I've also had a drink so I might be slightly merry. I hold the gold plastic trophy to my face and pose, quite uncharacteristically. ‘Perfect,' he says, looking at the picture on his phone. I peer over to have a look. I look less jubilant, less like a grown woman revelling quite embarrassingly in the fact that she came top of the leaderboard at Laser Tag. Was it a good evening? You know what, I think it was. You forget how little children are balls of energy, but also mildly hysterical, and it was fun to experience that madness for an evening, to see Jack's nephews so very excited about their birthday. I only wish I could get that excited about a birthday again.

‘Your nephews are very sweet, by the way,' I tell Jack as he walks next to me, tucking into a piece of cake wrapped in a paper napkin. It's that time of night when the streets next to this shopping arcade have started to buzz with the activity of people on the search of a night out: restaurants filling up, people dashing up escalators towards cinemas. The party is now over, candles have been blown out, kids have been picked up by parents, and Barney and George have been wrestled into Dom's car.

‘They are the best. Mad as a box of frogs but brilliant.'

There is something in how he talks about them with such love, how he embraces the energy and isn't scared of it, that is endearing.

‘So tell me more about them. You moved in with them when they were…'

‘Four months.'

I am silent to hear that, mainly trying to process the fact that their mother would have died when her children were so young. I am imagining him just jumping into a house with two tiny babies and the maturity and heart that would have taken.

‘They were teeny tiny, like puppies. I could fit one in each arm,' he tells me, acting it out.

‘Would you do it again?' I reply.

‘Have a baby?' Jack says, laughing. ‘Well, that's quite a jump forward in our relationship but…'

I blush, realising what I've just said. ‘Christ, no. You know what I mean…'

‘Do I?'

‘Well, maybe this is as good a time as any to ask if you want your own kids,' I ask boldly. I guess it's important for clarity here given the different stages we are in our lives.

He shrugs. ‘I have no idea. If fatherhood crosses my path, then I would take that on, but there's no plan.'

I nod. There is no plan. He says those words so easily. I remember being his age and my life was mapped out so certainly. I was pregnant with Lottie, a small house, the seeds of a career just blooming. But I guess plans don't always have endings. Six months ago, would you have told me I'd be eating birthday cake on the high street with a man who isn't my husband? Maybe not. Maybe I do just need to live in the moment like Jack does. He urges me to take a bite of cake from his slice and I smile. He does this so naturally and I'm quite taken with the familiarity of it, how he doesn't care what people think, how I take a bite and he wipes some sprinkles off my lips.

‘So where to now?' he asks.

‘Soft play?' I ask.

‘How do you make that sound kinky?'

And we both laugh, his breath gently fogging the air, and I watch his profile, the angles of his jaw, the way he playfully pushes an elbow into me. ‘You want to sleep over tonight?' I say, my voice a little shaky as I know exactly what that will mean, and he smiles to himself, almost looking a little smug that his Laser Tag seduction may have worked. It did. I won't say that out loud.

‘And you've made that sound quite innocent,' he mentions.

I don't know how to tell him what I have planned will be anything but. I grin but my thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a voice.

‘Zoe?'

I don't know where the voice comes from to start with, and I'm not sure why I recognise it, but I stop for a moment, Jack slowing down beside me, and I turn towards a pub we've just walked past. It's a busy thoroughfare so I look around before my gaze stops at a group of people drinking outside, on one woman especially, her hand wrapped around a glass of red wine. I don't quite know what to say. Liz. It's Liz. She's surrounded by a couple of friends who from the looks of their haughty gazes have been fed a different sort of narrative about who I may be. I stand there and let them stare me down, their eyes shifting between myself and Jack, wondering why I'm in trainers on a night out with a slight Laser Tag sweat moustache when they're in a collective uniform of skinny jeans, heels and smart wool coats.

‘What are you doing here?' she asks me.

I've not seen Liz since it all happened. I didn't see the point. She reached out by text, but I didn't know what there was to say. It's fine, you have Brian. I hope you have a lovely life together but you're a bitch? The problem is there is so much to say. It used to be me sitting there with her, sipping wine, and do you know what we used to do? We used to bitch about how our husbands didn't load the dishwasher properly. How do I go into this? Do I ask her how she is? How do I bring up Manchester? So, why exactly did you think it was a good idea to show up there?

‘I went to Laser Tag,' I tell that small group, looking down at their table of tiny cheeses and olives. That was a poor conversational opener.

I think one of them laughs at me under her breath. ‘Oh, is it like one of those evenings where they open it up to adults? I've heard about this bar in London that does that – they have ball pits, and you can get cocktails.'

I nod, Jack standing there trying to work out who these women are from the awkwardness that sits there in the air like mist.

‘You know Tina, right?' she tells me. I nod. Tina is a school-gate mum I've met at cosmetics parties where I think she once harangued me into buying a body scrub that cost forty pounds and gave me hives. Tina looks me up and down.

‘Hi, Tina. How's Phil?' I enquire politely.

‘He's fine. He just got a Tesla.'

Beside me, Jack laughs before realising that wasn't funny.

‘Do you have a Tesla?' Tina asks him, slightly annoyed.

‘No. I'm not a fan. I'm Jack, by the way. Hello, everyone. I, too, was at Laser Tag. Why don't you show them your trophy, Zoe?' he tells the women sitting there.

I turn to Jack, smiling, holding up my trophy. This impresses these women less. I can't quite look Liz in the eye. I can only think she said my name out loud to usher me over and shame me.

‘Well, I'm Liz and this is Tina and Fran.'

‘Liz,' Jack repeats quietly.

Shit. He knows. This is Liz. The Liz. And it's a strange thing but five minutes ago, I felt comfortable, confident, like it was just him and me but now he's met Liz, and I worry irrationally that like Brian, he'll look at her, with her heels and her blonde hair and her Pilates core, and maybe he'll see what Brian saw there, too. But instead, he stares at her, almost in shock.

‘You're the one who…' he mutters. He points his fingers around in different directions before realising he's said too much, and turning to me to say, ‘Is she your friend who had that unfortunate incident with the fillers?'

I smile to myself as Liz reaches up to her face.

‘No, that's someone else,' I inform him, trying to maintain my composure.

‘How do you know each other?' Liz asks, defensively. I feel every cell in me tense up. Hey Liz, you know you went and ensnared Brian behind my back? This is Jack, he's my consolation prize and personally, I think I got the better deal. The man has abs. I know for a fact that Brian doesn't. He has a furry stomach like a large kiwi fruit.

‘Zoe and I work together,' Jack tells her.

‘So, you're a teacher?' she says, continuing to pry.

‘I am. I teach… chemistry. We should actually go, Zoe – the others are waiting for us at the restaurant.'

I was never quite sure how the situation would pan out when I saw Liz again for the first time. I somehow imagined I'd be braver, angrier and bring some attitude to the situation. I catch Liz's eye, and I can't quite read that emotion. I think she's trying to maintain some sort of upper hand by not overreacting or creating drama. It's happened, let's all move on and be super civil.

‘You're going out?' Liz asks me.

The inference from that being I wouldn't go out, that I would still be sitting at home, crying over being all alone.

‘Yeah, we're having tapas and then we're off to a club,' Jack adds.

‘A club?' Tina says, like she can't quite believe that's possible for someone like me.

‘Yeah?' Jack says. ‘Have a good evening here with your wine and your olives.' I don't know why this makes me laugh under my breath. He turns to me. ‘Come on, Zoe.'

‘I'm sorry, by the way… I really am,' Liz suddenly pipes up.

I stop in my tracks to hear those words, turning around to see she's stood up, hovering over the table. Tina has a hand to her arm, as if she's telling her to sit down. Fuck off, Tina. Liz texted those words to me, too. I can sense Jack looking at me, anticipating my next move. He's seen me at Laser Tag at my most ruthless. I've won trophies. I smile. I inhale deeply. ‘No, you're not.' My voice is calm, soft, almost resigned. One day, for the sake of my kids I will have to likely speak to you and possibly even forgive you, but that moment is not now. You made a choice that took my life away. I don't think you get to apologise for that.

I put a hand on Jack's arm, and he looks down at it and, smiling, gives me a playful wink. Let them gossip. It'll be a hell of a lot more interesting than their shitty Tesla talk.

‘But…' Liz mumbles.

I don't say anything more. I turn to walk as Jack quietly salutes his goodbyes. Mercy me, that felt bloody good. Just keep walking.

‘Are they still looking?' I ask as we move away.

‘Yes,' he says, smiling. ‘Do you want me to grope you or something? I can put a hand on your arse. I'd be happy to, in fact.'

‘No. Just act semi-natural.'

He swings his arms next to him quite randomly and I double over giggling.

‘Expertly done, Mrs Swift.'

‘Really?'

‘Yes. Plus, you are far more attractive than her,' Jack tells me.

‘Whatever,' I tell him, looking down at my casual leggings Laser Tag vibe.

‘No competition. She and her coven were giving off witchy crone vibes. That's not hot.'

‘That's not, is it?' I ask as we head off the main thoroughfare and turn a corner towards the car park.

He shakes his head and slides his hand into mine, knowing that we're out of sight from curious eyes. The darkened street is quieter and he pulls my arm playfully towards a doorway, pushing his body into mine.

‘I mean, do any of them have a trophy for Laser Tag?' he jokes. I shake my head, but he looks me straight in the eye, trying to check the emotion.

‘I don't know if that went well,' I tell him.

‘Oh, it did. You made her squirm. It was fun to watch, though I was frankly waiting for the slap. I'd have slapped her,' Jack informs me. ‘Are you OK?'

He still looks me in the eye, and I can feel his concern. What I want to say is that I'm OK when you're around. You make me feel stronger, like I can take on the world, I feel lighter. In these last few months, when my world has been upended, you've come in and put the table the right way up, re-arranged the chairs. You've sat down with me and held my hand and are re-filing all my emotions so they make more sense. I have no idea what this feeling now is, but you make me feel incredibly cared for and, for the moment, it means everything. After twenty-odd years of giving, of sharing my life, it suddenly feels like I have something just for me. I put a hand to his face and he kisses it, looking me in the eye. There are no words for this so I kiss him, adoring that feeling when his lips press against mine and he smiles, kissing me back. I will never tire of this. It's possible that this is my favourite thing to do with him, the intimacy and immediacy of a kiss. It's the opposite of marriage, it's everything that was missing. I hardly remember a time when Brian and I would kiss like this. There were light pecks on cheeks, never drawn out and intense like this. Jack pushes me into the wall next to that doorway, one hand to my face and another reaching down to my back. My body reacts and relents to his touch as he looks around to hear footsteps.

‘Zoe, I really want you,' he murmurs, his hands still reaching around me.

‘Here?' I say, giggling.

And that look enters his eye, I know that look. I love it. He takes my hand and we roll further in the shadows of that doorway, sheltered from the street, and he whispers into my ear, ‘Maybe the naughtiest thing we can do is fuck literally two hundred yards from where that woman is sitting.'

As soon as the words leave his mouth, I exhale slowly, immediately aroused. I don't do this. I sit at home and watch boxsets. I'm not illicit and wayward. I'm not sure I have the balance. But that look, that glint in his eye urges me to let go; it tells me to have some fun with this. Brian and Liz did – now it's my turn. The tension between us builds and he kisses me, pinning me against the wall but reaching down to pull down my leggings and knickers with one fell swoop. As soon as the cold air hits my skin, I sigh but then feel the warmth of his hands against my thighs, his fingers stroking me gently. I moan, biting my lip, trying to restrain myself as I feel his cock pressed against me. He undoes his trousers, turning me around, my hands flat against the wall as he grabs tightly on to my hips and slides into me. And I can't read this emotion at all. It's fear, it's complete disbelief that I'm doing what I'm doing at this very moment, but it's also the way he's not lost in this event. He leans into me, the warmth of his breath on my neck, putting a hand over mine and squeezing it tightly, doing his best to make me moan so loudly that even from this distance Liz might be able to hear.

Jack

So let's get this right. I am not a sex in the street kind of boy but after seeing Liz, the olives and her witchy minions outside that bar almost shame Zoe, I felt we needed a response. Zoe is sometimes too calm, too measured, which is pitch perfect in the moment, but I knew she also needed a release, to do something a little vengeful. I'm not sure if it was very classy to have sex perched against a wall behind a key-cutter's but I also wanted to prove to her that I want her, that I choose her, that in a moment of being confronted with the woman who was the other option, she didn't even register in my mind. All I saw was Zoe.

‘Tea,' she says, pushing a mug across the kitchen counter. And now we're here, with Zoe following through on the promise of a sleepover. In her home. This feels like next steps and she knows it as she's starting to look a little tentative. I'm just fascinated how we've gone from pretty intense sex to a very civil cup of tea within forty-five minutes.

‘That's a good colour of tea,' I tell her, sipping politely.

‘Why, thank you. I think it's quite hard to get tea wrong, though,' she says, reaching to the top shelves of a cupboard to obtain some biscuits.

‘You'd be surprised. Dom is awful at tea – I've seen him share one tea bag between three mugs before. Criminal.'

If I thought I'd seen Zoe in her natural habitat at school, I was wrong. This feels like her domain. I scan her fridge, looking at the certificates, reminder letters and magnets that decorate it. My eyes are drawn to a Polaroid picture of her and her kids. It's not a Zoe I've seen yet, maybe only in that Facebook video her daughter posted, but it looks relaxed, a little goofy as she pulls a face. I go to the fridge with my cup of tea and examine it properly.

‘Where was that taken then?' I ask her.

She arranges some chocolate chip cookies on a plate and comes over. ‘Oh god. Don't. I look ridiculous there.'

‘You look happy.'

‘I took the kids to Brighton for the weekend. It's our thing. In the summer, we take the train and spend the day on the pier, eating chips, riding bumper cars. I've done it ever since they were little.'

‘They're lucky. Those are nice memories to have. You're a good mum.'

She scoffs at the suggestion.

‘Zoe, you're swerving again,' I say, annoyed at her.

She shrugs her shoulders. ‘I think it's just most mums don't know if they're doing a good job. We muddle through, we do our best. Come at me in ten years to see if those kids have got through life and are decent members of society, then I'll know if I've done my job.'

She looks at the photo with me and I see a more misted emotion in her eyes.

‘You're worried that the separation has scarred them a bit,' I say.

She swings her head around in surprise that I've read her so instantly. ‘Well, yeah. But maybe that's Brian's weight to bear in all of this.'

‘True. I mean it, though. I've only seen glimpses of you as a mother, but I see your concern for them, I've heard how you talk to them. They're lucky to have you.'

She bites into a cookie so she doesn't have to absorb the compliment and nudges me in the ribs. I guess the other thing from glancing around this place is seeing how they've carefully removed all traces of Brian. I expected a photo or a bill with his name hanging around, but nothing. I'm glad that he doesn't linger but I am curious about someone who'd throw this away so quickly, especially over someone who just gave me some pretty unlikeable vibes. Zoe goes round to take a seat at her kitchen counter as I continue to move around the kitchen, taking in all the details: a pair of her dangly earrings in the fruit bowl, a pile of exercise books on the counter, a mug by the sink with a big yellow Z, a spice rack running low on cinnamon. I go and take a seat next to her.

‘Having a good look around then?' she says, sipping her tea thoughtfully.

‘Just piecing it together. Will I get a full tour in a bit?'

She laughs. ‘Yes. I suppose you want to see the bedroom.'

‘Presumptuous,' I say, taking another sip of tea. ‘But yes.'

‘That can be arranged.'

‘Wonderful.'

I help myself to a cookie. She looks at me thoughtfully, perhaps less tentative than that night in the hotel.

‘So… have you had sex in public before then?' I ask her, sipping on my tea casually. She chokes a little on her biscuit, refusing to look at me.

‘I had sex on a beach once on holiday,' she admits.

‘Sandy. I got a hand job at a festival once.'

‘In a tent?'

‘No, in a crowd. I was off my face.'

She laughs under her breath. ‘Who was on the stage?'

‘A DJ. Is that awful? It was a very long time ago.'

‘Was she facing you?' Zoe asks, frowning, trying to work out the logistics of it.

I get up out of my stool, standing behind her, just off-centre. ‘It was sort of…' I guide her hand down to my crotch. ‘She didn't have eyes on the situation.'

‘Then how did she manage to move her hand? Her arms must have been super bendy?' she says, mimicking the motion.

I look down at her hand and smile. ‘I mean, if you wanted to simulate the situation for your own curiosity, you could put some light trance on.'

She laughs but fumbles around looking for the buttons on my jeans. I can be game for this. I pull my trousers down, my penis pretty quick to react in this situation as she manoeuvres her wrists, trying to find a position, giggling as she twists her arms around and her fingers are wrapped around my cock. I won't lie. This is better than the festival situation as back then that girl was so drunk, I was scared she was going to yank my nob off. I lean forward, putting my chin to her shoulder.

‘Was it like this?' Zoe whispers.

‘Yeah… keep…'

But as she slides her hand over me, there is suddenly a sound, a knocking at the door and the sudden shrill sound of the doorbell. I jump back, Zoe's eyes widening.

‘MUM! ARE YOU IN?' a voice echoes through the hallway.

We both look at each other, the colour from Zoe's face draining.

‘I thought the kids were with Brian tonight,' I whisper.

‘That was the plan. Shit, shit, shit…'

I hear Brian's voice. ‘Liz said she saw her in town, out with some school people. I don't think she's in. Look, just…'

‘Then why is her car here?' Lottie says plainly. ‘Just use your key if she's not in.'

Mild panic descends on Zoe's face, and I know what I have to do. I pull up my trousers for a start. Zoe flaps her hands around, looking around for places for me to hide, looking down at my erection. That'll go in a minute but really not soon enough for me to be meeting family. She heads for the patio doors and unlatches them. ‘I am so sorry. Just hide out behind the shed and I'll come find you. Is that OK?'

I don't want to add fire into an already flammable situation so do as I'm told. I am pretty sure what Zoe doesn't need is for Brian and her daughter to find her wanking me off in the middle of their kitchen. I creep out and do as I'm told, just in time as I hear voices in the hallway. I scamper in time to take cover behind a shed, the back door still open.

‘MUM! You are in!' I peer my face around the corner of the shed to see Lottie throw her arms around her mum's neck. ‘Why were you in the garden?' she asks.

‘Oh, I thought I saw a fox.'

I laugh to myself. I am the fox, I'll take that. And for the first time, I see Brian, in the flesh, charging towards the door in some sham show of masculinity to take on this urban fox. I sneer to see him. ‘I don't see anything,' Brian says, looking out to the lawn. I wonder if I should just jump out and give the twat the fright of his life but hell, it's not the time. I'll just stand here in the shadows of this very mediocre garden. There's a lot of shrubs. They could do a lot more with this space, you know?

‘Why are you both here?' Zoe asks them.

‘I forgot my retainers,' Lottie says. ‘I'll just go and get them. Did you have someone round?' she asks, and I pat myself down thinking of whether I've left any evidence in that kitchen. The second cup of tea. Shit.

‘Beth came round for a bit.'

Lottie exits the room and I see both Brian and Zoe standing there, silent. I watch them cautiously. I can picture a time when they would have matched and it seems bizarre to think that their coupling only ended recently.

‘Liz said she saw you in town,' Brian says, trying to start a conversation.

‘Yeah.'

‘How was it?' he asks, apprehensively.

‘Oh, we had wine together, hugged it out and traded in stories about you.'

‘Really?'

‘No, Brian. We didn't.'

I laugh. Well played, that woman.

He moves around the kitchen, looking curiously at the small gold trophy sitting on the counter. She puts it in a drawer.

‘You weren't out for long then?' he says, almost mocking her. It feels like he and Liz deserve each other. Zoe bustles around the kitchen, emptying mugs and putting them in the dishwasher.

‘It was only dinner in Wimbledon, headed back early.'

‘I guess that's handy.'

‘Excuse me?' Zoe says, a little surprised. I smirk to myself. Oh, your ex is very handy.

‘That it was local.'

‘Yes, very handy,' she repeats, looking out the back window, almost searching for my shadow.

‘Are you still looking for that fox?' Brian asks, his gaze following hers. ‘Do you want me to go out and take a proper look?'

‘No,' she says, smiling. ‘Just leave him be. He's harmless.'

‘You say that but once they get in the bins… I know what you're like.'

‘Brian…'

‘Zo…'

‘Not your house anymore.'

And I pause for a moment. He knows what she's like. It's condescending to say the least, but I guess there is truth there, too. Here's someone she's known for years, a marriage and a history that will always have some hold over her, and for the first time, I feel a little worried about how I will ever follow on from that.

Lottie bounds back into the room. ‘Got them. Let's go, Dad. You OK, Mum?' she asks, putting an arm around her again. It's a nice image, one I've only imagined. I've heard Lottie's voice on the phone but she's as I imagined, a confident young lady who loves her mum to pieces.

‘I'm good. You and Dyl have fun and I'll see you tomorrow.'

She ushers them into the hallway, and I stand there in the lowlights coming from the house, wondering how I fit into this life of hers. I think I could. I think I could eat breakfast at that kitchen island, I could wake up here and help her with the bins so the foxes don't get to them. I hope she might let me.