Chapter 9

NINE

Zoe

FUCK.

It's the only word that echoes in my head as I stand here in this lift with Jack. I can't even look at him. If he touches me, I won't know what to do. I may implode. I still don't know what this is. He's just coming to look at the bathtub because admittedly, it is very funny. I am being presumptuous here. He might get in that room, look at the view, have a peek in the minibar and not really fancy it. And then we'll possibly shake hands, and he shall go home. I am, however, super grateful that I had a long soak in that bath and had a shave and a tidy. I only hope that when goes to look at that bathtub, I gave it a rinse. Of all the things for my mind to be preoccupied by right now, those are the thoughts. He's looking over at me. I've seen this scene in a film. They kiss in the lift and then the door opens and an old woman peers in disapprovingly or someone pushes an emergency stop button and stuff happens. Stuff. I really hope that bath is clean. I look back over at him as he puts his hands through his hair. He's in his trusted brown boots, a black shirt with a few buttons undone at the neck, a grey wool coat, jeans that fit a little too well. I should stop looking at his legs, thinking about what his legs look like.

‘Why do you look so nervous?' he asks me.

Because I'm worried there are my old armpit hairs straggling in the bath.

‘I'm not nervous. You're just coming to see my bath.'

He smiles. There is something about his smile. Before, I noticed a nice smile, one that belonged to a handsome face but now his smile is a whole feeling, a conversation, and it makes me smile in return, it makes me hold my breath for a few seconds.

The lift door opens, and he puts a hand out so I can lead the way. Fuck. Room 224. He walks a step behind me and I reach into my pocket, rubbing my thumb against the key card. You can do this, Zoe. I put the key card into the slot and the light pings green. I've seen this scene in the film, too. I open the door, he backs me onto the wardrobe and then we lead a trail of clothes to the bed.

I don't give Jack a chance to do that.

As soon as I open the door, I just don't turn back. I march quite meaningfully into the bathroom, kicking some knickers under a desk on my way, so I can have a look at the bath before he does. I don't know what he's doing but I can sense him behind me, softly shutting the door.

‘Well, this is it. The disco bath,' I tell him, not even looking him in the eye, picking up the remote. ‘It has a dimmer switch and jets and stuff,' I say, like I'm trying to sell him the thing. He chuckles to look at it whilst I scan it quickly. Not a hair in sight.

‘It's impressive,' he admits with a nod.

‘Right? I feel bad Mia and Ed missed out on this.'

‘How do the jets work?' he asks me.

‘To show you, I'd have to fill it up. Did you want a bath?' I ask him.

‘With you?'

I make a very strange sound at the suggestion, a kind of snorting wail a scared deer might make. ‘I meant if you wanted to road test it, solo, not with me. I mean, I could fill it up so you could see what it does but if you just wanted to see what the jets do then I don't want to waste the water because, you know…'

‘Know what?' he asks me, trying to suppress a smile.

‘Polar bears and ice caps and stuff,' I say, trying to maintain some order in this room, in my thoughts.

We both stand there in the bathroom, looking into the empty bath and burst into laughter. I don't know what this is. Even less so when Jack puts a hand out, looking for mine, slipping his fingers around mine. I don't flinch. I let him hold that hand.

‘Can I suggest something?' he says.

Please don't say sex in the bath. I still can't bring myself to look at him.

‘Do you remember when we first met? At the wedding? There was a moment when I thought you really looked relaxed and happy. On the dancefloor.'

‘I was suitably lubricated.'

That was not the thing to say. He tries to hold in his laughter. I put a finger to the air to stop him from saying what he's thinking.

‘So, let's have a dance…' he says.

‘Here?' I ask.

‘We could both get in the bath?' he suggests. ‘But I suspect we'd break it.' He gets his phone out, connecting it to the speakers in the room, opening Spotify and handing it to me. ‘I'll even let you choose the song.'

Just him and me, dancing in this very empty room. I am not sure how much that will help. I might have to turn the bath lights on to add some atmosphere. OK. I remember I quite liked dancing with you. Let's see how this works. Jack peers over my shoulder as I try to pick a song. He takes off his coat and boots. He checks a bottle on the side of the bath. I wasn't an animal, I didn't finish the bottle, so he pours what's left and has a sip, offering me some, too. I am conscious that his hand is on my shoulder. Got it.

‘RAYE?' he says, as I select it. ‘The lady has good taste.'

‘Well, you know,' I say, a little too confidently.

I press play and watch as he downs his drink and takes the coat off my shoulders. He takes my hand, pulling me into the main part of the room. He pretends to lunge, warming up, and I laugh. But he's not wrong. Maybe I should lunge, too? The beat suddenly kicks in and he nods to signal his approval, moving his hips and arms, shoulders going. OK then. I'll be game. I kick off my shoes, feeling my shoulders rotating, and start swaying from side to side. I can do this. Is it sexy, alluring dancing? I don't quite know what that looks like, but I can't seem to stop smiling because I don't quite think his dancing is sexy either. He pulls faces, he looks strangely comfortable, silly even and it encourages me to do the same. He opens his eyes at me and puts a hand out, spinning me under his arm but that's the move, isn't it? As I spin, he pulls me in close to him. That was smooth. I can't look at him, so I angle myself to look over his shoulder. Crap, that's close. Can he hear my heartbeat that closely? I have no idea what to say, what to do, but I feel all of this a little too much. I feel something I've not had run through my body for years and I don't know what any of it means. I rest my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes.

‘Please fuck me,' I whisper. Oh, shit.

I stand back from him, the music still playing, and my eyes widened, mortified that I let my subconscious out. I put my hands to my mouth. ‘I'm so sorry, I really am. I don't know what just came over me. That was…'

‘Kinda hot, I'm not going to lie.' Jack stands there smiling. He catches my eye for a moment and my face feels hot, a sensation deep in my chest that feels like it could consume me. He walks over to me calmly and tucks a curl behind my ear. ‘What would you like to do?' he tells me, his face centimetres away from mine. ‘I can leave if you want?' His cheek brushes against mine. I shake my head, until my chin rises and I press my lips gently against his. His kiss in return is sweet, light, like he still doesn't want to pressure me into this, like he cares, and the intimacy of it floors me.

‘Stay,' I whisper. ‘There are things I'd like to do…'

I don't know this Zoe. I don't know her at all. But she kisses Jack harder with more urgency and he leans into it, pulling my body into his. I've never felt a kiss like this, the spark of it, some chemistry that draws me to him. My hand moves to the back of his head, grabbing his hair as he moves down my neck across the top of my cleavage before pulling my dress down and part of my bra, his lips finding my nipples. I can't cope with the intensity of it, my body shuddering in pleasure and surprise, sighing gently. He returns to my lips, and we step backwards slowly before falling onto the bed, both of us laughing as we bounce into the mattress.

He looks at me for a moment.

‘So, what would you like to do?' he asks me, kissing the underside of my chin.

‘Can I be honest?' I say, as his hands move down to my stomach, along the curve of my thighs. ‘I'm not quite sure.'

He smiles but then he looks at me intently, his hand reaching down and lifting up the skirt of my dress, his fingers running along my thighs. I feel the pleasure of it down my spine and I arch my back. He maintains eye contact and I feel his fingers creeping up until they're near my underwear. I can feel his fingers stroke gently against the material and I gasp which makes him laugh gently, and he kisses me again which makes me part my legs a little further. When he pushes the material to one side and slips his fingers inside me, he inhales deeply with me, and I can't bear to contain that feeling anymore. I moan loudly, my body shaking, trying to remember what this is. And as his fingers glide inside me, I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but all I know is that it's time to let go. It's time to feel all of it and fucking enjoy it.

Jack

I wake up that night at about two in the morning, my body spooned around Zoe's and the curve of her shoulder rested against my chin. Through a gap in the curtains, I can see a slice of the River Thames twinkling, shapes from the room reflected in the window. I kiss Zoe's shoulder gently and hold her close to me, putting a hand around her waist and trying to doze back to sleep.

‘You're up…' I hear her mumble.

‘I'm sorry. Is it pressing against you? Did it wake you?'

I feel her body shudder with laughing. ‘Go to sleep, Jack.'

I kiss her shoulder again. ‘I can't. I think I'm in some sort of state of hyperarousal.'

‘That's a clever way of saying you're horny.'

‘I'm horny? I believe you were the one who initiated the second time.'

‘And the third time…'

I feel her body shudder with laughter again and my arms hold her tighter, my hands wandering around her midriff. There were points where I could tell she was self-conscious about her body. You saw it in the way she asked to dim the lights, the way she scrambled for the covers, but she didn't need to feel that at all. I guess I saw things through a very different, adoring gaze. Maybe caressing her stomach will convince her of that much. Our feet meet at the bottom of the bed, the sheets twisted around our bodies.

‘So, is this how you normally are when you have sex? So…'

She goes quiet.

‘You were pretty insatiable.'

She turns to me, her face grimacing. ‘I'm sorry. Was it a bit much? A bit full-on? It may have been the alcohol.'

I smile and give her a kiss to placate her. ‘It felt good to be wanted, to see you enjoying yourself. I may need some sort of intravenous fluids, though.'

‘I may need a massage tomorrow. I think I pulled something in my calf.'

‘Well, you were the one who wanted to attempt that position,' I say, smiling. I run my fingers along her arm, liking the softness and feel of her skin, the way our legs are still messily entangled. I like how she seems so comfortable next to me, how her face shines in some sort of sex afterglow. ‘So, was it OK? Are you OK?' I ask her and, again, she looks up at me, curious by my concern.

‘I mean, it was alright,' she says, and she tips her head back laughing. I put a hand to her waist, tickling her until she squeals. ‘It was pretty extraordinary. Thank you.'

‘The pleasure was all mine.' Our eyes meet and there's a smile. Only the two of us will know what ever happened here and it's nice to have that shared secret with her, only her. ‘So formal. It was anything but…' I say, kissing her collarbone.

‘And given that your frame of reference is larger than mine, was it OK for you? Really?' she asks.

I cock my head to one side. ‘It was pretty fucking fantastic. I don't know why' – I say, my kisses working down to her stomach – ‘but you really turn me on.' I love how kissing her makes her body tense, how her nipples harden under my tongue. I loved the way her body gave into me and shook when I was inside her, the way she exhaled in relief, my hand holding down hers above her head, not letting her move, getting her to relent to the feeling. I love that I could do that for her. But there's something about being with her that keeps me here. Lying here with her just feels right, there's no sense of panic or worry, it feels strangely calm.

‘Can I ask a question?' she asks.

‘Shoot.'

‘Like, how many people have you…'

‘Slept with?'

‘I'm sorry – is that weird and awkward? I don't want to slut shame you.'

I laugh. ‘It's actually not that many – about twenty. Would it be ungentlemanly to ask you for your stats?'

She puts her hand up to the air, all her fingers outstretched. ‘I met Brian when I was at uni so, you know, it's not that many.'

‘Well, it didn't show in case you were worried. You know, sex is sometimes about energy. Get the right partner and none of your experience or history means a thing, really… And I think we had very, very good energy…'

She smiles because she knows that much to be true. There were moments where I glided my body over hers, the way we fit, a moment when I was behind her, an arm across her breasts and she interrupted the sex with a tender kiss, slowing down the action so we could both take it in. It was some sort of synergy laced with laughter, passion, a sensuality I don't think I've felt for the longest time, if ever.

‘What's your favourite colour?' I ask her, an immediacy within me to know much more about her than I do already.

‘Yellow. Yours?'

‘Green.'

She nods. ‘Is this what we're doing now? Is it question time?'

‘Why not? We're both naked with nowhere to go. Ask me something.'

She pauses for a moment. ‘OK. I've not dug too much but Ed filled me in about you and what happened after you graduated from university.'

I smile, instinctively grabbing at a pillow under me to get comfortable. ‘And there was me asking about your favourite colour.'

‘We can do that. What's your favourite chocolate bar?'

‘I'm partial to a Snickers but no, we can go deeper. I don't mind. What did Ed say?' I ask, curious at the information that's been traded around the staff room.

‘Just that you put your life on hold to help out your brother. He mentioned nephews.'

I shrug my shoulders and scrunch up my face. ‘They're Barney and George – they're both nearly ten. And yeah, I had a sister-in-law, Amy, and she died when the twins were literally babies, so I moved in with Dom and helped him out for a bit. I actually saw them tonight before I came here.'

I look across at her. I can't tell if that's her eyes welling up but she's silent, studying my face.

‘You lived with them? Do you have any other siblings? Your parents?'

‘Just Dom. Parents sadly both deceased.'

She squeezes my hand at that point. ‘I hope someone has told you that you did a really wonderful thing there… for your brother.'

It's my turn to be silent. I guess, in a way, the boys did, though everyone these days seems to be more preoccupied by the fact I've never moved on from it. However, I saw how much Amy's death devastated my brother. I heard his tears, loud, raw, pained. Plus, those kids are still kids. It always seemed a safer option to stay close if they still needed me. There were times I went further afield but I always gravitated back to them.

‘I'm just thinking back to when we first had that Nando's and you never mentioned it. You alluded to family, but you gave off more of an impression that you just bounced from one thing to another. You didn't say why…'

‘I never did what I did for the glory. He's my brother. It was the right thing to do.'

She continues to study my face.

‘Plus, we'd only just met, we were eating wings, I didn't want to talk about anything sad like that to someone I just met. And you were going through your own things,' I say.

‘Or maybe you're just modest. You love your family. You also experienced their grief and trauma; you prioritised them over yourself, and that speaks volumes about you, Jack.'

I take a deep breath that someone I barely know just summarised it all, and I don't quite know how to take it, to have someone read you and elevate you like that. And strangely, I think back to other women who I've shared similar pillow talk with. Times when we've just chatted shit. I once had a woman lie next to me and list out everything she'd eaten that day. She couldn't believe she'd eaten three bags of crisps.

‘You've gone quiet,' she tells me, concern etched in her face.

I shake my head. ‘Can I go deep then?' She furrows her brow and I laugh. ‘In conversation…'

She nods.

‘You need to promise me something next time?' I ask her.

‘Presumptuous,' she says, narrowing her eyes.

‘Are you trying to tell me, you were just using me? Like a one-night stand? I am devastated. I thought you were different,' I say, kissing the side of her exposed neck.

‘You had a request,' she asks, a little nervous laugh telling me I may be asking for something beyond her sexual prowess and knowledge.

I pause for a moment to take in her face. In my early twenties, I had a lot of one night stands to fit around life being an uncle to twin babies. I sought out sex to sate a physical need, rather than look for relationships. This could be because I saw how Dom experienced real loss – maybe I was too scared to get too close to anyone. But being here with Zoe sparks a different sort of feeling.

‘You're fucking beautiful. Just know that I think that much. I hope you can feel that way about yourself, too.' And I feel her body relax, I see the shallows of her throat gulp deliberately. She scrunches up her face, trying to downplay what I just said. ‘And don't you dare swerve that,' I say, putting a finger to her lips.

‘Just give me time to take all this in. It's just… I was with someone for a fair few years. And now there's you and you're…'

‘Don't say young.'

‘A different sort of package, shall we say? It's new and it feels…'

‘There are issues with my package?'

‘Surreal. Like, while you had a little doze, I've just been lying here, contemplating whether that happened or whether I had some out-of-body experience.'

‘I will take that as a compliment.'

She laughs again but there's still a bewilderment in her eyes, not really knowing how to label this. Maybe we don't have to.

‘Do you have anywhere to be tomorrow?' I ask her.

‘No? You?'

I shake my head. ‘Then have a sleep. Let me hold you. I'll be here when you wake up if you still want me here and we can make stuff up as we go along? Maybe?'

She nods, curling her body into mine. ‘Maybe,' she says, her eyes closing. ‘They have a breakfast buffet here. There's an omelette station…'

‘That might be the sexiest thing anyone has ever said to me,' I whisper into her ear and she falls asleep, in my arms, her curls resting against my arm. I kiss the top of her head protectively, but I'm wide awake, wondering what the hell I might be feeling.