Chapter 30

Winnie

I hadn’t actually heard Jack calling us, and I’m pretty sure Diesel could see right through my lame excuse to beeline away from emotion. But bud? What the hell was that?

More importantly, I LOVE YOU? What the hell was that?!

I think there needs to be a new rule, possibly the most important one: No one tells Winnie that they love her. Not while her heart is fully cracked into ten even pieces.

Just the thought of Diesel’s words makes me panic. And forget where I’m going or what I’m doing, which is why, as I round the corner, I smash face-first into Jack’s chest. Possibly breaking my nose on his rock hard pecs.

My nose smarts, my eyes prick with tears, and I howl, which summons the whole crew instantly.

“Are you okay?” Jack asks, holding me by the shoulders. He tilts his head this way and that, examining me, as the others gather around, all of them concerned .

I groan, but more from embarrassment than pain.

“Well, you’re not bleeding,” Doctor Jack says with a nod. “That’s good. Still, maybe we should go across the street and get an ice pack to–”

“No way, Mr. We’ve Got To Stay On Schedule.” Gunnar shakes his head with a glare. “You’re not getting any alone time with her today. Not after you interrupted mine .”

I can still feel Gunnar’s head between my thighs when I look at him. A hot flush creeps up my neck.

Then I catch Diesel watching me.

I’m in love with you.

I can hear his voice when I look at him. I swear I can see that love in his eyes now. Has he always looked at me like that?

My brain is still short circuiting, because holy fuck, Diesel Hammer literally just kissed my ass.

And I liked it.

“I can get my own ice pack,” I say because I’m overcome by the need to have Diesel Hammer not look at me like he wants to spread my sweet cheeks and do God only knows what to me.

All things I’d scream yes, please! to without thinking twice.

I call out, “I’ll be right back,” before beelining across the street. I head first to the kitchen for a bag of frozen peas, then up to my room. I lock the door behind me and sag against it. Try to control my breathing and my heart, because they’re both all over the damn place.

Maybe the frozen peas will shock me back to my senses ?

No, although they do feel good on my nose, and will hopefully keep me from looking like I’m ready to lead Santa’s sleigh through the dark of night, just in time for my date with Diesel.

A date that hopefully won’t get photographed and gossiped about all over the Internet.

Oh God, what is my life?

My chest hurts. And I suspect that the cause of the pain is less because of the awful comments online and more the realization tightening its grip on me that this journey is leading to a moment where I must choose one of the Hammer brothers.

And I must choose one of the Hammer Brothers.

How on earth can I make such a choice? The mere thought leaves me frozen, and my mind auto-rejects the idea of choosing any of them as my one and only. I’ve experienced incredible chemistry with each brother, and they all treat me like their queen.

And what happens to the others when I choose? I can’t bear to imagine it.

When I’m utterly unsuccessful at getting myself under any kind of control, I pull my phone out of my back pocket.

I’m reluctant to open it after keeping it silent and ignoring it all morning, but when I do, I see that Goldie has sent me fifteen texts and I’ve had four missed calls, and the same amount of voice messages from her, too—I’m assuming she’s seen the photo.

“Well, it’s about damn time!” Goldie’s familiar voice bubbles forth as soon as she answers, and there’s nothing in it but enthusiasm. “That picture! ”

Sorry I didn’t pick up. Gunnar was going down on me on the stairs, and then I had sex with Diesel…

Obviously, I can’t tell what I was doing, because I need to ease her into this crazy new journey of mine. I already failed to ease myself into this crazy new journey of mine, and I can’t have her brain short-circuiting, too.

“So you’ve seen the picture?” I say.

“Hell yeah, I’ve seen it! Obviously, I’m going to need you to spill the tea. Because girl, things looked hot and heavy.”

“Emphasis on the heavy, I guess,” I say with a cringe.

“Hey,” she says. “You know I get you, right?”

Goldie and I are about the same size, but she doesn’t have the same self-doubts her appearance as I do mine.

“I know. But you read the comments, right?”

“Win. I mean, I scrolled but we don’t care about them, remember? Well, except for the ones from people wishing they were you. What the clueless idiots have to say doesn’t matter.”

I nod even though she can’t see it.

“But I also know for a fact,” she marches on, “that it doesn’t matter what you weigh. You could be physically flawless and the vultures would still find something to pick apart. Jealous fuckers.”

“I don’t recall Cynthia Sinclair getting this treatment.”

“Well, but yeah. I mean, is Cynthia Sinclair actually mortal, Win? She defies all criticism. ”

“What you mean is that she’s the kind of girl that people expect the Hammer brothers to have on their arm.”

“What I mean is that you need to stop hating on yourself. And also, I’m sorry, but no. You were not on a Hammer brother’s arm. You were pretty much in the prequel to Theo & Leo Have A Threesome. That’s what got tongues wagging. Now spill the tea, girl!”

I draw in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “We decided to try dating. All of us, like the whole Winnie’s Favorite Hammer idea. Obviously I date them all one-by-one. Or, I guess two-by-one, sometimes.”

“Ah, so you’re saying the picture actually was taken before the threesome?” she jokes.

“After,” I confess.

There’s a moment of silence just before it sounds like she’s inhaled an entire pizza and is choking on it.

I wait.

Finally, the hacking subsides and she sputters, “Are you serious? Am I talking to a non-virgin right now? If you had your first time with Theo and Leo, I am going to–”

Despite everything, I laugh. “My first time was with Gav.”

“Hell yeah it was! WINNIE OLIVIA WAINWRIGHT. Tell me everything .”

I tell her almost everything. There are some things I do need to keep to myself.

“So…” she says when I’m done. “Have you gotten any clarity?” There’s a reality television dating show buzzword fo r you. “Do you have any inkling at all about which one might be The One?”

I sigh. “I want them all, Golds. Even more than I did before they let me out of the friend zone.”

I told Diesel this wasn’t all about the sex for me, but maybe that’s what it has become.

“Ughh, Golds, I’m being such a freaking cockhopper. And why? I’m still no closer to choosing.”

She goes wild, insisting I’m living the dream, not being a cockhopper.

“Golds,” I interrupt. “Diesel just told me he’s in love with me.”

The sudden silence rings loudly through the phone line.

“Okay, you really should’ve told me to sit down before dropping a bomb like that!” she finally says. “Easy Deezy! Oh my God, Winnie, I am so happy for you!”

I’m silent, but she happily carries on

“This is so romantic! He never could settle down and then, boom, he discovers that it was because Miss Right, or rather, Miss Wainwright, was there in front of him all along. Swoooooooon!”

I chew my lip.

“Okay,” she says. “I know it’s been a minute but when I say Swoooooooooooon! you say Swoooooooooooon! ”

It’s kind of a thing we do when talking about grand romantic gestures performed by book boyfriends on the page and Hollywood hunks on the screen .

“Why are you not swoooooooooooon!- ing with me? You’re in love with Diesel, Diesel’s in love with you. You should be sending me pictures of maid of honor dresses to approve by now.”

“It’s not that simple,” I tell her.

“Oh, yeah? To me, it sounds pretty damn easy peasy Deezy squeezy! It’s exactly what you’ve always wanted! Love! With a Hammer brother!”

I draw in a deep breath and it comes out as a laugh. A possibly slightly deranged laugh.

“Okay, so you’re doing the whole Winnie’s Favorite Hammer thing...”

She’s drifting into producer mode on me.

“Do not ask me an open ended question,” I warn her.

“First, I have to say, I bow down to you, Winnie Wainwright. You are my queen forever. I am so freaking glad you went for it. Second, since you sound conflicted… I’m assuming that A) Diesel is the only one who has told you he’s in love with you and B) he’s not the one you’re going to choose? Those are both yes or no questions, by the way.”

This isn’t something I’m proud to admit, even to myself, much less out loud to someone else.

“I’ve been so enraptured by the journey I kind of… well, I won’t say forgot… but… definitely have not been giving much thought, if any, to the final destination. Then Diesel said those words and I am officially shaken to the core. He didn’t follow the telling-someone-you-love-them rules.”

Okay, even I know what I’m saying sounds ridiculous .

“The rules?”

“Golds. You’re a reality TV producer. You know the rules. They say I think I’m falling in love with you. Then, at a later time, they say, I’m falling in love with you . Then, after that comes I’m in love with you . Diesel just blew past the first two stages. I had no warning, no…”

“Ahhh. You’ve just realized you have the power to break their hearts and it terrifies you,” Goldie says.

Just hearing her say it clenches my chest up again. When we started this experiment, I only worried about myself getting hurt. I felt lucky just to discover they’re interested in me, so to think I could have one Hammer love me the way I loved him was too good to be true.

Now, I see the darker side. I know they said there would be no hard feelings, but there will be broken hearts… and why the fuck didn’t I even consider that my heart might not be the only one?

“I’m a selfish cow,” I wail to Goldie. “Should I just end the whole thing now? Save all our hearts before any more feelings are out in the open?”

“Winnie Olivia Wainwright, I know you don’t think that just because Easy Deezs said it, he’s the only one who has caught the feels. If these boys all want to line up and date you one by one, there’s a chance feelings are already at play. And why not. You’re hot, you’re sweet, you have great taste in best friends…”

“So what do I do?”

“You probably know what I’m going to say.

“It better not be follow your heart , Goldie. ”

She sighs. I was right.

“Alright,” I say. “You want me to follow my heart? That’s impossible, Goldie. Because following my heart means I have all of them. Seriously. All ten of the Hammer brothers all to myself forever and always. That is what I want.”

Greedy as it sounds, it’s the truth.