Chapter 23

CHAPTER23

“Drink this. Nothing better to calm a wild heart that has run away with one.” Mistress Mayhew pressed a steaming cup into Emily’s hands.

“Thank you.” She took the cup and peered down at the liquid. It was a strange golden brown, with a distinct herbal scent wafting up with the steam. “What is it?”

“Mint tea. I have made it with fresh leaves from the garden here.” Mistress Mayhew pointed to the window. “Go on, Your Grace. Drink it. It will help, I promise you.”

“Trust her,” Catarina said with a warm tone as she sat down beside Emily on the rococo settee. “She has done much for me over the years.”

Emily smiled sadly and took a sip from the tea, marveling at the strong mint taste. Her tears had stopped now, but her breathing was still jittery and every now and then her shoulders shook.

Mistress Mayhew added a log to the fire in the sitting room as Catarina wrapped a shawl around her shoulders. Emily looked between them, startled at the mothering attitude of the two ladies. Emily had only met Catarina a few times, and this was the first time she had spoken to Mistress Mayhew properly, but such distance didn’t seem to matter to these ladies.

“Now, what is all this about?” Catarina asked, abandoning her fussing with the shawl. She fell still beside Emily, so still that it drew Emily’s attention.

More than once since first meeting Catarina she had noticed the lady had a habit of fussing and fidgeting, but that habit did not seem so great today.

“Forgive me,” Emily whispered. “I should not have cried as I did.”

“Nonsense.” Mistress Mayhew waved away the idea. “Tears are natural, Your Grace.” She sat down on a footstool by the fire, a little in front of Emily and Catarina. In her animated manner, she leaned forward, with a warm smile. “Everyone cries at times of hardship, and there is nothing to apologize for in that.”

Catarina nodded eagerly, plainly in agreement.

“What are these tears for?” Catarina said softly, raising her hand to adjust the edge of the shawl around Emily’s shoulders just once.

“Jacob and I… we…” Emily struggled to put it into words. She turned her body a little toward Catarina. “It cannot have escaped your notice how distant we are. He barely talks to me, and scarcely acknowledges my existence.”

“Ah.” Catarina sighed deeply. “I had not realized it had become so bad. Has he told you why he has retreated from you so?”

“No.” Emily shook her head. “Yet he does not need to, for I fear I know the answer.”

“What is that?” Catarina asked.

“I fear that Jacob never had any intention of marrying at all, and now that I am here, in his house, his wife… it makes him realize the life he lost before. I fear he thinks he has lost his freedom. That I have ruined things for him.”

“Nonsense.” Catarina leaned forward and rested her hand over Emily’s in her lap. “Jacob had to marry. He had assured me he intended to.”

“Had to?” Emily murmured, remembering what Jacob had said that night in the garden about intending to marry Bridget out of convenience.

“He always intended to marry,” Catarina assured her. “I cannot believe that the state of marriage would shock him so after he intended it for so long.”

Then it must be something else that upsets him so. Perhaps it is me as his wife. What if he wishes he had married Bridget after all? What if he regrets it entirely?

She looked down at the mint tea in her hands and shifted with the cup, thinking of how he had not only refused to visit her on the wedding night, but every night. They hadn’t even shared another kiss after that first night when he was in his cups.

“May I offer some words of advice, Your Grace?” Mistress Mayhew said, leaning forward. “It may be nothing, but equally, it might offer some clarity at this moment.”

“Please, go on. I’d be grateful to hear anyone else’s thoughts on the matter other than my own mad thoughts,” Emily pleaded, busying herself with the tea once more.

“In my experience, wild hearts are difficult to tame.” Mistress Mayhew’s smile turned rather sad. “They wish to run free, and it can be a shock to find them suddenly stilled.”

“Wild hearts,” Emily whispered, realizing that another had once described her as having a wild heart.

It was how Rachel described me once.

“My sister always said I had a wild heart,” she murmured, as a stark realization struck her. Ever since she had met Jacob in that dark corridor, she had been struck by him. It didn’t seem to matter that at that moment, she had no idea what he looked like. Her head had not been turned by another, and her former wish for mischief or escape had changed to something else. It was always a wish to be mischievous with him. “I guess my heart was tamed by Jacob. Not that he knows it.”

“What a sweet thing to say.” Catarina laid her hand over Emily’s again. “Tell me, my dear, do you love my son?”

Emily felt a quiver through her hands and up her arms. There was something strange about having this conversation with Jacob’s mother. To admit to loving him in front of her, that was audacious! It was hardly helped by the fact she barely knew Catarina. Yet Catarina didn’t seem to notice her awkwardness, she just continued to smile and stare straight into Emily’s eyes.

“I…” Words failed Emily as she stared at her mother-in-law.

“Oh dear, she’s nervous, Your Grace,” Mistress Mayhew said with a pleasant giggle. “Not easy to speak of love, is it?”

“Well, I…” Once more Emily tried, but she struggled just as greatly this time.

“Fear not, Emily.” Catarina smiled as she sat back and reached for another cup off the tray on a small side table. This was also a mint tea, the scent wafting into the air. “I was young once too, and I fell in love.” Her smile grew to something so sweet that Emily was quite captivated by it, unable to look away from the Dowager Duchess.

“I know what it is like to love someone so completely and fear that you may not be loved in return.” Her voice softened. “Shall I take your silence as a yes, my dear? You are in love with my son?”

With her mouth suddenly dry, Emily nodded. She took a gulp from the cup before she eventually found her voice.

“Though it seems I am a fool for falling for him.”

“Do not think such things.” Catarina leaned forward. “I cannot pretend to understand my son’s mind at present. On the contrary, it baffles me greatly indeed, but fear not. I shall endeavor to help you in any way I can. Perhaps together, we can discover what is on his mind.”

“Thank you. I would like that.” Emily smiled, feeling a kernel of hope. Perhaps Jacob could easily ignore her, but he certainly would not be able to ignore his mother. She was too important in his life, too cared for.

“Now, I shall take my leave of you for the day.” Mistress Mayhew stood and curtsied to them both. “I have left more mint leaves with the maids downstairs, so if you need calming at any point, Your Grace, I suggest ordering a cup,” she said kindly to Emily. “I will come if you ever need me.”

“Thank you. You are kind,” Emily spoke softly.

Mistress Mayhew took her leave, and soon enough, Emily was left alone with Catarina in the room. Emily half expected Catarina to return to her fidgeting, but she stayed remarkably still, clutching her tea in her lap.

“Now, let us talk of something else, my dear,” Catarina declared firmly. “Maybe my son is proving a pain at the moment, but that is no reason for us to be miserable, is it?”

“No?” Emily asked with a small smile. “I confess, I struggle to think of anything else than his misery at present.”

“That is all the more reason for me to offer up some distraction for you. Come, take a walk with me in the garden.” Catarina downed what was in her cup. “Your sister told me at the wedding you are most fond of gardens and nature.”

“I am.”

“Then let us see what you make of the formal borders here. Now the seasons are changing, we shall have to make plans for the coming year. What do you say?” Catarina stood and offered her arm to Emily.

Excited by the prospect of thinking of something else other than Jacob for a while, Emily finished her tea and took Catarina’s arm.

“I would be glad to,” she declared with firmness as they walked into the garden together.

* * *

Jacob fidgeted at the head of the table. His leg would not rest in the seat, and he repeatedly reached for his napkin, adjusting it on his lap. When his mother reached under the table and took hold of his hand, urging him to stop fidgeting, he stared at her, wide-eyed with shock.

Was it possible he was taking on one of her own nervous habits in his worried state? He stilled completely, so stunned at the idea that he was determined not to do anything of the sort again.

“Is all well, dearest?” she asked softly, leaning toward him.

“Yes. All is fine,” he lied, trying to force a smile, but it didn’t last.

Others entered the room, and he leaned back from his mother. Harlow and Payton lit the candles on the table now dusk had fallen. The yellow orbs shone brightly on the table. The light glittered off the cloches that had been presented for dinner and the glasses placed by the three chairs that had been prepared.

Jacob’s eyes darted repeatedly to the empty chair on his right, waiting for Emily to arrive.

“Have you seen Emily, Mother?” he asked, his voice deep.

“I saw much of her earlier today,” Catarina said, taking the wine glass that Harlow topped up for her. “We walked in the garden together. She has some wonderful ideas for the place. It is lovely to hear her talk so passionately about something, to see her excited.”

Jacob swallowed uncomfortably, struggling to think of the last time he had seen Emily excited about anything.

“Did you see anymore of her?”

“Yes. When she returned from her ride, I believe she encountered you. However brief that turned out to be.” There was a coldness in Catarina’s tone that made him pause.

What does that mean?

“Mistress Mayhew and I caught her crying at the bottom of the stairs, Jacob.”

Harlow hurried quickly from the room, turning his eyes away, as did Payton. Neither one of them said anything and had the decency to pretend they had not heard. Struggling to summon words, Jacob stared at his mother. She had revealed the news so matter-of-factly, as if it was not something shocking.

“Crying? Why was she crying?”

“Oh, I wonder!” Catarina declared with drama in her tone. “Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that her husband appears to care for her as much as he does for the gravel on his driveway?”

“I never said that.”

“Jacob—” Catarina broke off sharply as the sounds of footsteps in the corridor could distinctly be heard. Slowly, she sat back in her chair and lifted her wine glass, her finger repeatedly tapping the glass. Jacob watched his mother carefully, fearing she would return to that incessantly fidgeting state.

A few seconds later, Emily appeared in the doorway. She circled the table and sat down on Jacob’s other side, not lifting her head to address him.

“Good evening, dear,” Catarina said with ease, though that finger continued to tap the glass.

“Good evening.” Emily offered a smile to Catarina, but not to Jacob.

Well, I can hardly blame her for that, can I?

Jacob lifted the cloches off the food and they each served themselves their dinner. There were golden capons and honeyed leeks, with fresh potatoes and sweet wine that had been prepared in carafes. Jacob tried to eat, to focus on his food, but every few seconds his eyes raised to Emily beside him.

What Catarina had said lingered in his gut. He imagined Emily crying and the mere thought made him ache. Losing interest in his food, he sat back in his chair and just stared at her, though she seemed unaware of such an intense gaze.

In contrast, she finished what was on her own plate.

“You must be hungry,” Catarina said, clearly reaching desperately for some conversation to make in the awkward room. “All that riding today and then a walk. You need your strength.”

“Yes, I am quite hungry.” Emily sipped her wine as she placed her cutlery together again. “I did enjoy the walk in the garden, though. It was nice to have the company.”

It was a subtle dig, one that made Jacob’s hands fall loosely over the arms of his chair.

I like your company, Emily. That is precisely the problem!

He could imagine all too easily being the one who accompanied her in the garden that day, but what would become of the pair of them then? He feared it would not have remained just a friendly walk but would have become something else.

Something he knew categorically now was that he was weak around Emily. Even as he had declared a wish to part from her, for one of them to go and live at the country estate, he’d made no such preparations for the idea. He found he liked the idea less and less, even though part of his mind knew it was a wise thing to do.

“Well, we could go for another walk tomorrow if the weather holds up,” Catarina said with false cheer. “Jacob, you could accompany us?”

“I am afraid not. I have to see the tenants tomorrow. I will be riding for much of the day.”

“Emily enjoys her riding.” Catarina gestured to Emilya cross the table. “From what I have seen, she is an excellent rider too. Perhaps you could take her with you and show her where the tenants live?”

Emily looked up. It was the first time he had glimpsed her eyes that evening. There was a tightness to her skin that made him feel withered in his seat.

“I am afraid not.” His simple answer he felt no need to elaborate on. Emily looked quickly away, staring at anything else in the room other than him.

Catarina stood on Jacob’s toe under the table. He gave no sign of a reaction and didn’t even look toward his mother but stared at Emily. She was in pain right now. That was something he could easily read, but he didn’t know what to do about it.

Surely it is better she suffers this little pain right now to avoid what my mother went through?

At last, he looked at his mother, thinking of the breakdown she’d had after his father’s death. It had been so complete and all-encompassing that the entire house was in disarray. Jacob could remember clearly one night being roused from his bed by sounds through the house.

He was young and small, so small that he’d managed to creep partway down the stairs and hide behind the banister. Peering through the railings he had stared at the source of all the commotion.

His mother strode into the house with fresh tears on her face and her riding habit sodden around her body. Payton was still the butler then and had wrapped a warm shawl around her shoulders. Mrs. Wright had hurried forward, taking his mother’s hand and pleading with her to explain why she had felt the need to go riding in the middle of the night.

Catarina had not answered. She had simply cried fresh tears.

It was one of the worst memories Jacob had. The pain associated with the image of his mother that night had depleted him.

His mother had risked her life, with no care for her own health, going riding at night and in the rain, and what for? Just to cry.

I will not put Emily through that.

“If you would excuse me, I think I’ll retire for the night.” Emily stood and placed her napkin on the table.

“So soon?” Catarina asked in surprise. “But it is so early.”

“Yes, indeed it is.” Emily nodded in agreement. “But I am tired after my long day. If you would excuse me.” She dropped two curtsies, one to Catarina, and the other to Jacob.

His chest tightened to see her treating him so formally, but then she was gone, sweeping so fast from the room that he barely had time to inhale before she had disappeared.

Emily…

He longed to call out to her, to plead with her to come back, but then that image of his mother returned as he watched her through the stairs.

As Mrs. Wright and Payton had tried to draw Catarina toward the nearest room where they had lit a fire, Catarina had grown faint. She dropped at their feet, and no amount of grappling on their part could save her from that fall.

Jacob had run down the stairs, no longer bothering to hide, as he reached his mother. Mrs. Wright had repeatedly tried to pull him back, to save him from seeing his mother in such a state, but he had refused to be moved. He sat with his mother, his small hand in hers, as he waited for her to come around again.

“What on earth is going on?” Catarina’s sudden clatter of cutlery drew Jacob’s attention away from his reverie. He shifted his focus to his mother who glared at him so openly, he could not remember seeing such anger in her eyes before. “Jacob, it is time you and I spoke openly with one another.”