Chapter 13

CHAPTER13

Jacob walked through his garden, though he’d left his tailcoat inside at the breakfast table, for he’d strode out of the house fast that morning, with no thought of the cold weather. There was a light mist in the air, but it still didn’t persuade him to return inside.

Once, the butler came to see him, urging him to return, but Jacob politely turned him down and continued to pace the formal terraces of his garden. Usually, the borders were so beautiful they distracted him from his woes, but not today. He found all the flowers were dull in color and there were scarcely any birds in the garden to keep him company at all.

Merely one gray and black jackdaw hovered nearby, watching him from a low garden wall. He felt judged by that strange gaze and turned away, walking back the other way through the garden.

There was a commotion somewhere around the house. The groomsman must have been startled by something, for Jacob heard his familiar shout and a horse’s whinny, but Jacob thought nothing more of it. If his steward had called early to discuss business, then it would have to wait.

I cannot talk to anyone at this moment.

He glanced up at the windows of his house, relieved for one thing. His mother was sleeping well this morning and had not yet come down from her bedchamber. Perhaps the tonics the healing woman had given were helping her after all.

“They told me I’d find you here.”

That voice!

Jacob froze, his boots scattering the stones beneath him on the gravel path. It seemed to be impossible that Emily would be here, but he could not mistake that voice. His imagination certainly hadn’t conjured her.

Slowly, he turned around to face her. She stood a short distance away, her blonde hair wild beneath her bonnet, the tendrils tangling in the wind. Her riding pelisse fluttered too, unable to stay still. She didn’t seem to notice the light rain that was dampening her but stared straight at him.

Those green eyes pinned him to the spot.

“Emily,” he murmured, “what are you doing here?”

“What do you think?” She walked around a border that separated them, but he walked the other way, determined to keep a distance between them. “Oh, now you dance away from me, do you? You have not done that for a while.”

“I think it best, do you not?” he said artfully, gesturing between them. He hopped one border then put himself behind a rose bush, the thorny shrub between them as some sort of shield. “If I cannot behave when I am around you, then clearly I cannot be trusted to be around you.”

She flinched at the words, as if he’d said something shocking indeed, and halted on the other side of the rose bush.

“Why are you here, Emily?” He motioned toward her, fearing they had no chaperone. If his mother saw them now from her bedchamber window, she too may insist on a marriage.

That would delight her.

Yet it made his stomach tighten into a knot once again. It felt wrong to condemn Emily to a short marriage indeed.

“Why do you think?” she scoffed, shaking her head. “I know I complained about my sister, but Rachel is protective, and her husband is so principled a man that he has declared to a duel in order to protect me.”

Jacob raised his hands, steepling them in front of his face. He didn’t need to be reminded of what the Duke of Elbridge had said. He’d been thinking about it all morning.

“I cannot let him be hurt, and through him, my sister, all because of what I have done,” Emily said hurriedly.

“Your care of them does you credit,” Jacob said in a small voice.

“I am not seeking compliments, or even your good opinion in this moment.” She tried to walk around the rose bush, but he went the other way. “Why are you dancing away from me?”

“Because I will not be drawn in again.” He glanced down at her, knowing it would be all too easy to go to her.

How simple would it be to take her hand, to kiss her, to promise to marry her? Then, on the wedding day, make love to her. It felt natural, even desirable, but his heart was betraying him, for he knew what, in reality, such a day would lead to.

“You speak as if I am a danger to you.”

“You are!” he said with sudden passion. She stepped back as if he had wounded her, with her lips parting. “Trust me, Emily, this is for the best.”

“What? To stay away from one another?”

“Yes!” The vigor overtook him as he stepped toward her. Suddenly, they had changed places in their little cat-and-mouse game. He wasn’t even sure how it had happened, but now Emily was the one walking away from him around the rose bush, and he was pursuing her. “I have to stay away from you.”

“Would it be so awful, Jacob?” she murmured. The way she used his Christian name had him weak. He halted on the spot, as did she. “Is the idea of marrying me so awful?”

The pain in her voice made him look to the sky. His eyes danced across the clouds as he breathed deeply, feeling that breath shudder as he exhaled.

It would be far from awful for me but could lead to heartbreak for you.

He kept the words to himself. He couldn’t utter them aloud, what would she think then?

“You were willing to marry a stranger.” Her voice was bold, urging him to look at her once more. “Yet the idea of marrying me is so unbearable to you.”

“It is not that.”

“What is it then?” she asked wildly, stepping forward and grasping the bush haphazardly. She caught a thorn in her hand and snatched it away, shaking her palm.

Jacob closed the distance between them and grasped her wrist, turning her hand outward so he could examine the wound. The thorn was still stuck in her palm. Hurriedly, he took hold of it, and pulled it free.

Pain. It is what I wish to avoid for her.

“The reason is that I do not deserve you, Emily.” He kept his gaze on her hand in his grasp, refusing to look her in the eye now. “That is the simple truth.” He took a handkerchief from the pocket of his waistcoat and wiped the spot of blood in the palm of her hand. It was a soft touch, one of the gentlest that had ever been shared between them. “It is why I cannot marry you.”

Her hand abruptly left his. She staggered away, nearly walking into another of the rose bushes nearby.

“Emily?” he called to her, but it did little good.

Her breath hitched and she spun away. Grasping the skirt of her gown, she picked it up a little and ran through the garden, hurrying around borders and even jumping a small border of dahlias in her wish to escape him.

“Emily!” He heard her tears and could not bear it. Without thinking, he ran after her, determined to catch her and stop these tears.

When she reached the end of the terrace, she scampered up the steps fast, and his boots slipped on the stones so badly that he nearly fell over. He scarcely managed to stay standing by gripping a nearby wall, but she was far ahead of him by now.

She had reached the driveway and ran up a flight of yellow-stone steps on the terrace and darted out of view.

“Emily!” he called again, following her up the steps and taking them two at a time. He caught a glimpse of her halfway across the drive as she glanced back. Her eyes were red, her cheeks tear-stained, and the sight of those tears broke him.

I am causing her pain right now. This is what I wanted to avoid!

He chased her across the driveway, praying that all of his staff had returned inside and that no one would see him pursuing her through his grounds.

She reached the courtyard on the other side of the house fast and darted into the stable, clearly hurrying to her horse in her effort to escape him. He couldn’t leave it like this. Perhaps if he apologized, and explained himself a little more, then she would understand.

She darted into the stable and hurried between the cubicles, rushing to find her horse, as he finally caught up with her.

“Emily?” He took her arm, but she snatched it back.

“I thought you wanted not to be drawn in, Your Grace.” She’d returned to the formality of his address, and it cut deep. “If that is what you wish, then pray, do not touch me again.” She saw her horse and ran toward it, the tears still rushing down her cheeks.

The sight of her chest rising and falling with the pain caused by him, broke him.

He pursued her once more, but before she could take the reins of her horse, he gently took her arms and backed her up from the animal.

“No,” she muttered, planting her hands on his chest and trying to force him away from her. They ended up entangled against the wall, with him standing in front of her, their boots brushing together.

The sudden heat was there once again, as it always was around Emily, but Jacob fought it. He looked up to the wooden rafters of the stable, fighting his urge for her. He had already dishonored her, more than once. He would not be doing so again, least of all here in his stable.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“I don’t know what you are apologizing for,” she muttered between her tears, her hands still pushing against his stomach to try and be rid of him, yet he was stronger and easily held his ground. “Is it for refusing to marry me? Or the lie of telling me you do not deserve me?”

“It is the truth.” He snapped his gaze toward hers. He raised his hands to her cheeks.

“What are you doing?”

“Please, Emily, do not cry.” He dried her tears with his thumbs, but as fast as he dried them, more tears followed.

“I cannot believe this.” She hung her head, forcing him to drop his hands. He moved them to her waist instead, finding as always, it was impossible not to touch her. “You must hate me so much if you were willing to marry my sister, but not me.”

“Hate you? An impossible thing.” He moved toward her, pressing his lips near her ear so he could whisper to her. “I could never hate you.” She shuddered, but he had no idea if it was their proximity to one another that caused it, or the cold weather and her damp gown.

“Y-you must do,” she stammered through her tears. “Nothing else makes sense.”

“Something else does.” He closed his eyes, tempted to tell her all at that moment. Maybe if he revealed the truth to her, she would run from him as she should do. She’d run for the hills and stay far away from him, to protect her own heart, but he couldn’t be certain of it. There was every chance she’d insist she was willing to take the risk of being with him, but it was a risk he knew he couldn’t take.

“No.” She shook her head, raising it a little. The sight of those green eyes so wet with tears broke him. He moved closer toward her, so their bodies were settled together against the wall. “Your objections must amount to hatred for you to deny this and be willing to risk injury, or worse, death, just to avoid marrying me.”

“Surely you can tell after everything that has passed, I do not hate you.” He was losing the battle by being so close to her. Desperate to stop those tears, to persuade her that she was wrong in her thoughts, he moved his lips to hers.

He was certain she’d push him back from that kiss and refuse it, yet she did not. Her lips molded to his and her hands went from pushing against his stomach to clinging onto the buttons of his waistcoat. The fervor of that grip had his fingers splaying outward across her waist, then sinking down to her hips.

What started as a chaste kiss grew fast, and heated, and soon enough, they were both gasping into that kiss as he pressed her against the wall, his tongue tangling with hers as he dominated it.

A sound reached his ears. It was the groomsman’s voice calling to one of the stable boys in the yard. It would not be long before they entered the stable and the two of them were discovered.

Jacob pulled back from the kiss, seeing the same fear of discovery in Emily’s wet eyes. Her breath hitched and she didn’t release him, just as his hands couldn’t leave her.

“How can you kiss me like that,” she whispered so quietly, she practically mouthed the words, “and yet refuse to marry me still?”

“Because it is complicated,” he insisted. He shifted his grasp to take one of her hands from his chest and drew her toward her horse. He helped her up onto the animal, so she sat in the saddle, looking down at him, with her quivering hands reaching for the reins. “Believe me, Emily.” He laid a hand on her knee, and she looked down at that touch, as if it did something to her. “This is not just about reputations now. For me, it’s about something infinitely more important.”

Your happiness. Your life. And the happiness you deserve in that life.

“You make no sense to me,” Emily’s voice hitched again, and she flicked the reins. Before Jacob could try to persuade her anymore that this was for the best, she shot out of the cubicle on the tall gray mare and was gone, hurrying from the stable.

He stared after her, stumbling to regain his balance. He caught sight of her darting down the driveway with two of the stable boys jumping out of the way. She rode with skill, so much so that Jacob admired her for a few minutes, marveling at her speed, then he shook himself, coming back to the moment.

“She will hate me for this. She cannot see the truth of this.” He covered his face with his hands, wondering how he’d come to this point of breaking Emily’s heart.

* * *

Emily left the horse in the stable then staggered out. She prayed that all her tears had mixed with the rain so much that no one would notice her distress when she entered the house. Disorientated, numb, she reached for the front door and pushed it open, walking slowly into the hallway.

She dragged her wet skirts behind her, leaving streaks and puddles of water on the floor. With her head hung low, she found it impossible to raise her eyes from that floor, thinking of everything that had passed between herself and Jacob.

How could he kiss her like that, as if he cared for her, and then refuse to marry her? Could he not see that her heart was cracking in two because of him? And what was this objection he spoke of that mattered so much more to him than reputation?

“Oh, my goodness!” Bridget’s gasping voice urged Emily to look up. Her sister flung herself across the room and shrugged off a shawl she had wrapped around her own shoulders. She took off Emily’s pelisse, unbuttoning it fast, then wrapped the shawl in its place. “We need to get you warm, Emily. You’ll catch your death like this.”

“I’m fine,” Emily murmured, feeling the lie made her mouth dry.

“What happened?” Bridget whispered, glancing over her shoulder. The cautious way she feared them being overheard told Emily everything she needed to know.

Rachel is here.

Emily answered by shaking her head. It was the only answer she needed to give. Bridget nodded in understanding and wrapped her arms around Emily, holding onto her as she fought more tears, her breath hitching. Emily buried herself in her sister’s shoulder, holding onto her for dear life.

“Where have you been?” Rachel’s panicked voice came from across the hallway.

Emily didn’t release Bridget but angled her head around so she could look at Rachel as she approached.

“Riding,” Emily murmured. “Trying to think of something else.”

“We need to get her warm,” Bridget said hurriedly.

“Yes, we do. This way, we have lit a fire in here.”

Each sister took one of Emily’s arms and she was hurried into the parlor where they ushered her down to kneel in front of the fire. Rachel at once took over, protecting as she always did. The maids were hurried to prepare a warm bath upstairs, and hot sweet tea was presented in seconds under Emily’s nose, pushed toward her lips.

Bridget knelt beside her, clutching her hand. It was warm against Emily’s cold palm.

“What happened, Rachel?” Emily found her voice at last as Rachel sat down on a footstool nearby, her cheeks flushed after all her activity. “With Daniel.”

Rachel sighed heavily, shaking her head as she stared into the flames, with the red-tinged light shining on her features.

“Daniel cannot be moved,” she whispered, her voice resolute yet disappointed. “He is adamant that if the Duke of Thorne does not back down, he will protect your reputation, and that of this family.”

“There will be a duel then?” Bridget whispered.

“Yes, there will.” Rachel buried her face in her hands.

The news broke Emily’s heart even more and fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. Both Rachel and Bridget flung themselves at her, embracing her tightly, as she cried.