Chapter 36

-Alison-

Warren didn't return at all, even as the clock passed dinner time. I went to sit on the couch, gazing at the small remote-controlled fireplace. It didn't provide any warmth, merely serving as a decorative piece as I sipped some wine. I hadn't eaten much, merely wandering around in a fog, contemplating the strange events of the morning.

I wasn't just thinking about Jared's odd visit but also my conversation with Warren. Was I ready to end things? Had I finally found some courage in my life? It was hard to believe because I knew the coward I was and always would be.

Despite portraying myself as powerful, deep down, I knew I wasn't. However, I wasn't sure how my mother would react. Perhaps she would be ready to throw me under the bus too, but at least now I had something to throw right back at her. If I was going down, then so would she.

I smiled to myself. It was the first time I had ever felt powerful in her presence, and it filled me with a thrill that words couldn't capture. Jared hadn't just empowered me. He had given me a way out, and I was considering how best to use it.

Lost in my thoughts, I heard the front door open. I hadn't bothered locking it after Warren left. He had a key, after all.

"I thought you weren't coming home," I spat, taking another sip of wine, not bothering to turn around to face him. I knew seeing him would only exacerbate my annoyance.

"I'm happy to see you too, honey," a voice teased, and I spun in my seat, seeing Jared shrug off his jacket and toss it to the ground. He was dressed nicely again, making me wonder where he had been.

"Jared," I breathed as he loosened his tie and discarded it as well. "Are you okay?"

He still appeared exhausted, and as he approached me, I noticed he seemed more drained with each step. He unbuttoned his shirt slightly, then flopped down onto the couch, resting his head in my lap with a long groan, rubbing his eyes in the process.

"I take that as a no," I concluded, watching as he let his hand fall. I reached over, placing the wine glass down before leaning back, gazing down at him as he looked up at me.

"I really should be going home," he explained.

"I'm guessing you didn't for the same reason you came here," I pointed out. He nodded, and we spoke at the same time.

"Astrid."

"Astrid."

A small smile spread across both of our faces as we acknowledged the one thing that kept him from wanting to return to the other place. It made me wonder if the only reason he sought me out was actually her. What if he had been in love with a woman he was going to marry? Would I have never seen him again?

"Are you all right? Did she drug you?" I inquired.

"No, she didn't drug me."

I began playing with his hair, and he reached up, unbuttoning the first button of my shirt, making me roll my eyes. Another button followed, but he didn't go any further than giving himself a better view of my bra. Then he let his hand fall, still appearing as if he would gladly sleep for a hundred years.

"Then what happened?" I asked.

"She… She was getting tired of our mechanical exchange," he explained.

"Oh, you're saying it didn't make her all hot and bothered?" I teased, making him chuckle.

"It barely made me hot and bothered, so no," he replied.

"And then what did she want?" I pressed.

"Me to please her, of course."

My hand froze. "Did you?"

He groaned, turning his head away, and I noticed it contract in pain, leaving me puzzled.

"Jared?" I prompted.

"I've been sick all day, thinking about it," he whispered. "I can still taste her…"

"Why?"

"Because she wanted to ride my face until she grew tired of it. What other reason would there be?" he retorted, turning to glare at me.

"No, I mean why did you agree to that?" I clarified.

He sighed, gazing down at where my shirt was open before reaching for another button and undoing it. I grabbed his hand.

"Could you stop thinking about that right now and answer the question?" I demanded.

"I don't need to answer it, and I'm quite tired, so I'm not thinking about getting naked with you right now. I'm just getting comfortable," he replied with a confident smile.

"Comfortable?"

"I don't plan to leave any time soon," he informed me.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not," he said, making me groan.

"Must you be so cryptic?" I lamented.

"It's better than you knowing too much. I should never have contacted you," he sighed.

"What?" I whispered.

"It's just not good for you and me to be connected, but my plans went all wrong," he admitted, looking up at me with an almost pleading gaze. "You were never meant to know this side of me."

"The exhausted one?"

"You know which side I'm talking about," he pointed out, and I nodded slightly. "You were never even meant to know about Astrid."

"What did she do to you?" I inquired.

Jared reached for one of his sleeves and rolled it up to the middle of his underarm. He held it up to me, and I inspected it, unsure of what I was searching for, until I noticed the bruise.

"What's this?" I asked.

"She cuffed me to the bed. My ankles too."

"Why?"

"Why do you think?" he retorted. "It was exactly what we had expected would happen at some point. She would outsmart me, wait until I had my guard down, and then she cuffed me."

"And had sex with you?" I questioned.

"I wasn't exactly a willing participant."

"Then why didn't you retaliate if she rode your face?" I inquired.

"I considered it, but we struck a deal," he confessed.

"A deal?"

"As I said, I should never have brought you into this," he admitted, and I realized what deal he had made.

"Did Astrid threaten me?"

"She knows I can't leave you alone, and she knows I will gladly sacrifice myself for you… for some reason!" he snarled.

I knew it was frustrating for him to put himself in an unpleasant situation just to keep me protected, but I couldn't help but feel touched by it.

"Jared…" I began.

"I know why I do it," he said.

"What?"

"Seek you out."

"Why?" I asked, feeling my heart beat with hopefulness, and I knew he must have heard it in my tone.

"I don't love you, Alison, if that is what you hope. My feelings are exactly the same as always," he reminded me, making me sigh, but I nodded, understanding.

"Then what is it?" I inquired. "What makes you come to me? Is it just the sex? The power?"

"I like the power, but it's because I know you're there," he explained.

"Where?"

"Just there. You never fail to be. Wherever I show up, you're there. It's more than most people in my life have ever done for me."

"But I tormented you," I pointed out.

"Yes, you did, and for that, I will never forgive you. But I could count on it. I could count on you always showing up, and even now, you're still there. Even as I let you go, gave you the key to the collar, and handed you the contract back, you're still there."

"You are blackmailing me," I reminded him.

"And I know if I deleted those pictures and videos, it wouldn't change anything. Am I not right?" he asked, and I knew he was. It wasn't going to change a thing. They were just an excuse for me to give in to him, to let him come to me over and over without truly granting him all the power.

"I could remove them right now and then ask you to get naked, and you would do it. I could even ask you to cook for me, and you would do it, and I know you don't enjoy standing in the kitchen that much," he pointed out, and I groaned deeply, rubbing my eyes before focusing on him.

"Do you have to point out how pathetic I am in such detail?"

When I focused on him again, he smiled.

"It's not pathetic. It's stability," he corrected.

"For whom?"

"For me," he explained. "I have never known it with anyone but you."

"That's not true," I insisted.

"But it is."

"No, it's not."

"It is," he argued, making me glare at him.

"No, because there was…" I trailed off, and Jared raised his eyebrows in a smug manner. "No, because there is… um, there is…"

"Yes?"

"Vince!" I exclaimed.

"He is going to die soon enough, Alison, and he hasn't been part of my life for as long as you have," he pointed out.

"We haven't seen each other in years," I reminded him.

"But you were still there when I came crashing into your life again, still ready to fight me, to be that force that you are. You are the one thing that I can count on, even if I hate it, even if I hate you. Vince is completely right about that," he said.

"You talked to him about it?" I asked.

"I confronted him about who released you from my room. It was him," he confessed.

"And?"

"And it pissed me off, but I understood why he did it."

"Because he hoped you would ruin me?"

"Yes and no. He did hope I would realize the effect you had on me because he saw it sooner than I did. He saw that you were interested in me. He saw what I thought was something I created," he explained.

"But you did create it," I pointed out.

"Not intentionally," he reminded me. "I wanted it because I had power over it, but it's just the complexity of your mind, which is the same with me. That's why I come crawling back to you, craving your presence, because I can always count on you to be there when no one else ever has been."

"But there must be… someone," I whispered.

"No."

I contemplated it, searching for just one person in Jared's life—besides me—who had been a consistent presence, someone who had remained and left an impact on him. Vince seemed like the most likely candidate, but Jared wasn"t wrong about the fact that Vince hadn"t been in Jared"s life for as long as I had.

Even during our periods of separation, Jared"s thoughts gravitated toward me, as he worked to reintegrate into my life. I had always been intertwined with him in some capacity, and I couldn't think of another individual who had been as influential, at least not someone he desired to reconnect with.

While Jared had dealt with his other past bullies, I remained the one leading them all, embodying the force and power he spoke of.

"God," I murmured, the weight of realization settling heavily upon me. I truly was the only one in Jared's life who hadn't left him in some manner.

"Now you know how I felt when I realized it. It's not just familiarity. It's because I know you're never leaving. I want that. I want something that won't abandon me, even if it hurts me," he confessed.

"I see."

"And you want someone who understands what it's like screaming in the darkness for no one to hear," he pointed out. I sighed deeply and slid a little further down so Jared's head came to rest on my lower stomach.

"I do," I admitted.

We both gazed at each other, a dark realization settling upon us as we came to terms with our intertwined mess. It seemed there was no way out of it, not that I wanted one. We were drawn to one another in the unhealthiest way, and yet, I never wanted it to end. I wouldn't heed anyone's warnings about Jared anymore. I wasn't going to stop wanting him.

"It seems we are stuck with each other," he said, letting out a mocking laugh.

"What?" I snapped.

"I said it seems like we're stuck with each other."

He closed his eyes, as if preparing to take a nap on my lap, but as I slowly repeated his words in my mind, fury boiled inside me.

"No," I said firmly.

He opened his eyes, gazing at me with confusion. "What?"

I shoved him away, but he sat up, ensuring he didn't end up on the ground. Slipping from the couch, I paced angrily in front of him as he gazed bewilderedly at me.

"I said no," I told him, stopping in front of him and pointing at the ground.

"Can I get a hint as to what you're saying no to?" he inquired.

"I am not agreeing with what you said."

"About?"

"Getting stuck with each other."

"If you have a way out then—"

"But that's what you're not getting!" I yelled, seeing the shocked look on his face as I raised my voice. "I don't want to be stuck with you!"

"Then tell me—"

"No! Because I don't want you gone, Jared!" I shouted. "It's not being stuck to me because I want you. So if you think you can come here and tell me I'm some sort of sad consolation prize or a band-aid over a gaping wound, then you're mistaken. Because it will never be like that for me!"

Jared threw his legs over to the side of the couch, standing up to his full height, but I wasn't going to be intimidated by him. I stood my ground, meeting his eyes.

"Then what would you call it? We can't stop going back to one another. We keep seeking each other out, making things worse every time we do, because it's so obvious we can never stop. We just get drawn deeper and deeper into it. It is being stuck because we have no choice!"

"Well, it is choice to me!" I yelled, watching him blink rapidly. "Because I don't see it as being stuck. I would never call it that, because for the first time in my life, I have what I've always desired. So if you want to whine about it or feel this way, you can, but it's not going to be like that for me. I want you, and I've always wanted you. So to me, the choice is easy!"

"You don't see anything wrong with it? You don't see how insane it is for you to say that?"

"I don't care," I replied, seeing him draw back a little. "I don't give a damn, because tell me, if I give you up, the one thing I actually do want, or call it stuck as you pointed out, then tell me what I have left."

"How about your company?"

"My mother already knows more than you think. She threatened me at the party, saying she could destroy my life if I didn't play by her rules, which included staying with Warren. This recording you have given me might buy my way out," I revealed.

Jared's anger seemed to falter a bit as he realized what he had done for me was more than just letting me win a battle against my mother. He had possibly freed me.

"Like you, Jared, I have very little in my life that actually brings me joy. Yes, I know I don't sleep on the street, and I know I didn't suffer the way you did, but I am not happy. I am far from happy. I feel like I go to sleep with a forced smile on my face and wake up the same way, acting like a doll controlled by every person in her life, because she has no voice herself. And I know you hate me, I know I can never change that, but I won't call it stuck. I will never view our connection as stuck because I wanted you back then, and I want you now. You're the one person I would abandon this sad life for. The one person I would gladly go to hell with, as long as you don't leave my side."

"Alison—"

"Call me obsessed, an unhinged person. Say that you wished you could be free of me. I don't give a damn, because at the end of the day, you have made it quite obvious to me that no matter what you do, you aren't getting away from me. You're trapped, and I am going to relish every moment of it because even if you choke me, spank me bloody, or ruin my life, at least I know you will come seek me out, and we will start it all over again. It seems I might just win after all."