Prologue

Prologue

Zoey

One year later

FOR A YEAR, I’ve been pretending to be happy and loving college. I put on a fa?ade for everyone around me and when I happen to see my family members or they call to check on me. No one knows how miserable I truly am with one exception. Kingston. He’s my cousin through the Phantom Bastards MC, not by blood, and he’s the one who now knows all of my secrets. Reagan doesn’t know what’s going on with me. She knows about the stupid shit like my attempt at online dating and how my classes are going. The girl who’s been my best friend for my entire life doesn’t know how shitty people are here or what I’ve been going through. It’s bad enough that Kingston knows because he wants to beat the shit out of everyone on campus and make sure they leave me the fuck alone. I’ve had to make him swear not to touch anyone no matter what he sees. It will only make things harder for me at the end of the day and that’s the last thing I need.

Besides, Reagan is busy as hell right now. Between finishing her accounting degree, working, her husband, and raising their little boy, Xavier, she doesn’t have time for me. So, I let her live her life without the burden of anything I might be going through. It doesn’t matter. Reagan’s happy after such a long battle with a guy she attempted to date before being claimed by Trax. For the first time in her life, I’ve seen my best friend completely free and living her best life. It’s the only thing I want for her and I refuse to drag her down with the shit in my life. I’m just the girl who’s there for everyone else while they move on with their lives and forget about me until I show up again.

That’s how I’ve felt my entire life mainly because of one person. Jameson. I grew up loving him and he’s done nothing but show me repeatedly that I’m never going to be his person. He doesn’t feel anything for me other than a sense of brotherly love and the need to protect me as he would anyone else who grew up in the Wild Kings or Phantom Bastards MC. My crush on Jameson hasn’t ebbed over the years. If anything, it’s only gotten stronger because he’s the only man I’ll ever be able to see myself with. I will never force something to happen between us or put myself in his life for some stupid reason. I’ll talk to my dad and the Phantom Bastards if I have any further issues on campus and make sure they’re the ones to help me. It’s not like I go to Clinton City on a regular basis so I don’t have to see Jameson at all. Eventually I’ll get over him and find someone who will love me the way I truly deserve to be loved. I won’t be a second choice or anyone’s burden or sense of obligation. Like with Jameson. It’s time to live my life and forget the stupid crush I have on him.

School isn’t going as well as I thought it would. For the last year I’ve felt like I’m back in high school. The people on campus who are supposed to be adults are worse than anyone I ever encountered in high school. I mean, I had a level of protection in school because of my brothers and all the cousins that were in the same building as me. However, now I’m getting bullied on a daily basis and I don’t have a clue what I’ve done to anyone here. No one knows me and they haven’t taken the time to get to know a single thing about me. The guys and girls I go to school with see me pull up on my bike and they point and talk about me as if I don’t realize they find fault with me riding a sport bike instead of driving a car. To them, I’m the outcast and they make sure to remind me daily of what I’m lacking compared to them. I’m not pretty, popular, smart, or anything else. I’m the loser who doesn’t talk and keeps her head down and away from everyone else.

The only time I feel completely at peace is when I’m riding my bike or at the lookout on the outskirts of town. It’s a place Kingston showed me and I come here as often as possible when the need to breathe free consumes me. When I’m up here at the lookout I don’t have to think about the other students bullying me at school or if I’m passing my classes. I don’t think of Jameson or anyone else when I’m here. I simply sit on my bike and surround myself with nature and the world around me. It’s as if the trees blowing in the breeze wipe all the stress and pain from me. I’ve never had a moment of peace like I do when I’m up here.

Hearing another bike, I sit up on my bike from where I was laying on it. I look over my shoulder to see the familiar bike of Kingston pulling up to the lookout point. If anyone knows where I hide almost daily, it would be him. Kingston pulls up next to me as I remain on my bike and look over at him. He shuts his engine down and pulls his helmet off before turning to look at me, his long hair blowing in the gentle breeze.

“Knew I’d find you here. Your dad and Slim have been tryin’ to get a hold of you for a while now,” he informs me, his voice gruff as he pulls out a cigarette and lights it.

“I don’t want to talk to anyone. Is everyone okay?” I question him as he leans back on his bike.

“Yeah. They just want to check on you and see how things are goin’ before the semester starts back up,” he answers me, a smirk on his face. “You know they’re protective as fuck of you and you aren’t answerin’ their calls. So, Slim sent a bunch of us out searchin’ for you. I came here because I knew you’d be here.”

“I’ll call them later on. I just wanted some time on my own before I head back home. I’ll make sure to tell Papa that I’m sorry he sent you all out searching for me because I wasn’t answering,” I tell him, looking back out over the cliff at the town below.

“It’s not a big deal. They both know somethin’ is goin’ on with you. You aren’t openin’ up to them like you used to. We all know you’ve got shit goin’ on in your head, Zoey. Don’t let everyone else pull you down and make you feel less than what you are. You’re an amazin’ girl, Zoey and if someone can’t see what’s standin’ right in front of their fuckin’ eyes, then it’s their fuckin’ loss,” he tells me, the smirk vanishing completely as he turns serious.

Kingston isn’t often serious when he’s with me. I’m one of the few people he loosens up with because he knows what he says and does with me will stay with me. Neither one of us shares the other”s secrets with anyone else because we know how it feels to be betrayed. Not by anyone we grew up with in the clubs. But by people who were supposed to care about us and were only using us for one thing or another. Kingston isn’t completely innocent, he’s used his fair share of girls over the years to get off before moving on to the next one. He tells me he’s sowing his wild oats before he settles down with an ol’ lady. I say he’s a man whore like everyone else I grew up with. All the boys I consider my cousins and my brothers are a bunch of sluts. I’m still a damn virgin and don’t see that changing any time soon.

“What’s got that look on your face, Zoey?” Kingston asks me, as he turns to face me instead of looking at the view before us.

“I’m just thinking about what a bunch of sluts all you guys are. Every guy I grew up with is nothing more than a slut as you go from one girl to the next like they don’t matter for a second. Meanwhile, I’m going to remain a fucking virgin for the rest of my life because I’m different and don’t fit the mold of what a guy is looking for,” I tell him honestly, knowing he won’t say anything to anyone else. “I work in a garage, ride a bike, and don’t go out and party every single night like everyone else on campus. I’d rather surround myself with books and my family instead of finding my next fuck. The one guy I want to fuck doesn’t even see me. I’m just the invisible girl who gets bullied by people who are supposed to be adults.”

“Zoey, don’t give yourself to someone who doesn’t deserve you. I know you think Savage doesn’t see you, but he does. I can’t tell you why he’s holdin’ back and not keepin’ you at his side, but he wants you. I’ve never seen a guy look at a girl the way he looks at you. The man is fuckin’ obsessed when you’re around and there’s somethin’ stoppin’ him from takin’ that step with you. Fuck, I’d be with you in a fuckin’ heartbeat if I knew you weren’t pinin’ over Savage. You workin’ in a garage and knowin’ how to fix your own bike is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. How many hours have we worked on our bikes together, Zoey? Too many to count. You don’t give a fuck about all that girly shit and some guy is gonna sweep you off your fuckin’ feet when the time is right. For now, focus on school and gettin’ the degrees you want to get. I know you have a goal in mind. That’s what you should focus on instead of worryin’ about losin’ your virginity and findin’ a guy to replace the one you truly want,” Kingston says, finishing his cigarette and crushing it beneath his boot.

“I know you’re right. It’s just so fucking lonely. Every day I wake up alone, go to school, go back home, and study for my classes. I’m so far ahead in everything that I could take a month off and not miss a damn thing. The only time I feel any peace at all is when I’m here or riding my bike. I can’t even speed the way I want to because there are cops all over the place and they’d pull me over quick as fuck,” I inform him as I lean over my gas tank and stare in front of me not truly seeing the view.

“Trust me, I get where you’re comin’ from, Zoey. I might be surrounded by everyone in the club and go out on a regular basis, but at the end of the day, I don’t have anyone to come home to. There’s no girl waitin’ for me to come home or wantin’ to go out and ride. You’re the only one I can get out on this bike with. If you weren’t here, I’d be ridin’ alone. Givin’ up racin’ means I lost all the friends I made there. They’re focused on racin’ and everythin’ that goes with that shit. So, trust me, you’re not alone in how you feel. We’ll both get through this shit, Zoey. You just have to be stronger a little bit longer and Savage will pull his head out of his ass,” Kingston says, looking at me with pain filling his eyes.

For a while, Kingston and I don’t say anything more. We look out over the cliff and get lost in our own thoughts. My thoughts circle around Jameson and how I want our life to be. Something I’ve dreamed of for so long. Despite knowing it won’t ever become a reality, I can’t seem to stop myself from dreaming of our life and what we could have together.

“Did you hear the news about Savage?” Kingston suddenly asks me as the sun begins to disappear and dusk starts to settle in over us.

“No. Reagan doesn’t tell me anything about him if we do happen to talk,” I answer him, my voice wavering because I don’t want to know anything about him.

“I’m gonna tell you anyway. It might make sense as to why he’s even more distant than he was before. I know you don’t see him all that often and that the last time you saw Reagan, she kept it a secret from everyone. He’s been voted in as the Sergeant at Arms of the Fallen Brethren MC. They lost their previous officer and his name was the only one put up for the vote. Cage told my dad about it and I was there when they were talkin’. Cage is happy as fuck for Savage,” Kingston says, his voice washing over me as I realize Jameson has well and truly moved on with his life and there’s no room in it for me.

“I’m happy for him. Jameson deserves to be happy and live his life the way he wants. He’s completely devoted to his new club and will go far in it. This is what he’s always wanted and I know it’s what he deserves. Jameson is a hard worker and doesn’t deserve any less than what he’s getting right now,” I tell him honestly because Jameson should be happy and live his life the way he wants.

“Why can you feel that way about him and everyone else around you but not about yourself? You deserve the same happiness and to live your life the way you want to just as much as Savage does. Are you ever gonna see that about yourself, Zoey?” Kingston questions me as I sit up and start putting my helmet back on so I can head home.

“No, Kingston, I won’t. I’ll always be the invisible girl who doesn’t matter to anyone else. When I’m with others, we talk and I get asked questions about myself. The second I’m not around, everyone forgets about me. I’ll never be anyone’s first choice or anything long-term. I’m just the girl they turn to when no one else is around,” I tell him. how I feel honestly, my voice is nothing more than a whisper.

“Zoey, I ever hear that shit come outta your mouth again, I’m gonna tell your dad and Slim. I’ll make sure Playboy knows this shit too. They all love you and want the best for you. To know you see yourself that way breaks my fuckin’ heart. You”re so much more than that shit. Let’s go for a ride before I make sure you get home. Don’t forget to call your dad and Slim too,” he reminds me, his voice full of pain as I look over at him to find him putting his helmet on before his gloves.

Kingston and I leave the lookout point and we ride for a few hours. Dusk turns to complete darkness as the stars and moon fill the sky. We race our demons on the freeway outside of Clifton Falls because Kingston knows where the cops are around this area and knows where we can truly let loose. For the first time in a year, I let myself speed through the night as Kingston keeps up with me. He doesn’t leave my side as we make our way down the freeway and head to an unknown location. The only time we stop is to get gas and something to eat from one of those large gas stations that have a variety of hot and cold food inside.

Our conversation is much lighter because Kingston knows I don’t want to talk about what was said up at the lookout point. It’s been put out there and I can’t do anything to take it back. Kingston doesn’t want to bring me down since I’m truly smiling for the first time in a year. There’s nothing more I want than to keep this sense of freedom and peace I currently feel. It doesn’t ever last long, but for now it’s how I feel. The second I get closer to my apartment, the freedom and peace will disappear and I’ll go back to feeling an overwhelming sense of despair.

As Kingston and I turn to head back toward my apartment, dread fills me. The music playing through my helmet doesn’t even take away the dread, pain, or help me keep the sense of freedom and peace. Kingston and I mostly listen to the same music but tonight, we’re both lost in our own head and aren’t speaking or anything else. We’re riding together but completely separate at the same time.

By the time we pull up to the apartment where I live, I’m exhausted. All I want to do is climb into bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep for the next week. Instead, I’ll be up early tomorrow to start my new year of school so I can continue working on my degree and making something of myself. Kingston waits after giving me a hug until I get inside. He doesn’t ever leave before the lights in my apartment turn on and he knows I’ve gotten inside safely. I slowly climb the stairs to the second floor and let myself inside the apartment I love. It’s my sanctuary and the place I spend all of my time. Looking out the window, I watch Kingston pull away before pulling out my phone and making the calls to let my family know I’m okay and nothing is going on. It’s an act I’m used to performing now and a role I’ll continue to play until things change in my life.