TACK

After the basketball game, Golden and the foster boys join Pork Chop and his sons fishing at one of the farm's ponds. Though I consider tracking down Hunter, I figure she needs more girl time. Standing in the farm's main road, I don't know what to do with myself.

When I pass Elvis running by with several older foster boys on his tail, I ask about Indigo. He gestures toward the woods and keeps jogging.

I take the path into the woods behind the farmhouses. To my left, I hear Siobhan's voice explaining a frog's lifecycle. One of the twins asks about toads. I don't see them despite their voices reaching me clearly.

To my right, I find Indigo sitting against a tree. Grumpy and Sleepy flank him. He's got his eyes closed. So do the dogs as he rubs their heads.

Dropping down next to him, I breathe in the earthy scent around us. Indigo opens his eyes and frowns at me.

"What?"

"What are you doing?"

"Relaxing."

"Why here?"

Indigo stares at me like I'm cutting out his heart and throwing it in the trash. Though I figured I was doing him a favor by joining him, I've obviously interrupted his quiet time. No, no, I realize I'm keeping him from listening to Siobhan.

Petting Sleepy, I let the silence linger between Indigo and me. He still frowns like I'm a dick. I try not to smile, but his gaze is so intense.

Finally, I chuckle. "You're making me want to cry."

"Fuck off."

"Why are you so hostile?"

I listen for Siobhan and hear one of the twins speaking. Her voice seems farther away, and I think they're heading back toward the houses.

As Indigo's rage deflates, he returns to stroking the dogs. "It's weird to be grounded to the farm. I haven't gone this long without riding in years."

"Won't be much longer."

"You're just guessing."

"The feds have enormous resources to hunt down assholes. They'll figure out who hired the mercenaries."

"Then, what? If the guy's arrested, does that really make anyone safe? He's got to go to trial. He might flee. Lots of shit can happen."

"I'm trying to think positive."

Indigo shrugs and disappears into his head. Before he can hide from me, I ask, "I thought the twins were going back to Sync's place today."

"He said he'd give up his visitation time, so they could stay here with their mom until Carys has the baby."

"That's smart. The twins are on edge, and they do better with their mom nearby."

"Yeah, but Sync's niceness wasn't free. He talked Siobhan into giving him extra visitation time in the summer, so he can take the girls to a kid-themed resort."

Studying Indigo, I consider how to approach the Siobhan thing.

"Have you ever thought about being a dad?"

Indigo's eyes open and stare overly direct at me. "I have the dogs."

"Well, you have one dog. Sleepy is still mine. That doesn't change if he lives here with you after Hunter and I get a place together."

"Sure, but I'll be the one taking care of him. That makes him mine, like how Aunt Fred is our mom because she takes care of us."

I want to complain. Hell, my mouth even opens to start bitching. Sleepy is my damn dog! I'm not abandoning anyone.

However, I zip my lips when I recall Indigo's little brother. They were in the system together, bouncing from one foster family to another and then back to their crazy mom. Indigo once said he taught his brother to tie his shoes and ride his bike.

"I was a good big brother," he mentioned when we were stoned behind the barn.

Once their mom got hit by a bus, there was no more bouncing. His brother was younger, cuter, and less fucked-up, so he got adopted by a family who didn't want the boy's bigger, weirder brother.

"You can keep the dogs," I tell Indigo. "They should stay together."

"I know."

"I know you know, but I just decided."

"You already decided."

"No, I said the words before, but I wasn't totally sold on the idea. Now I am."

Indigo's golden-brown eyes study me. His face is stuck on a frown. Finally, he goes soft and nods.

"Sleepy doesn't like sleeping in my room as much as yours."

"He'll adjust."

Seeming calmer now, Indigo scratches behind Sleepy's ear and asks, "Why are you out here?"

"Hunter needs a break from me, and I didn't want to go fishing with Pork Chop and Golden."

"So why bug me out here?"

"Well, I was thinking about setting Siobhan up on a date. Can you think of anyone who might work?"

Indigo's relaxed gaze flips to hateful in an instant. "Why does she need to date anyone?"

"She's lonely, man."

Indigo blinks rapidly as if my words take him off guard. Just as quickly, he shakes his head like I'm wrong.

Realizing he's shutting down, I start talking, "Her best friends are hooked up. That's gotta sting. I figured since you've had hate boners for every man she's tried dating, we could work together to pick someone."

"There's no one."

"How do you figure?"

"She still wants Sync."

"He cheated," I say and then add, "A lot. If it was just once and they broke up, I might think she was still hung up on him. But he really drove that knife in her heart and twisted hard. Siobhan held on for as long as anyone can and still have an ounce of pride. Their love is dead. Why should Sync get to have fun like he always wanted, but Siobhan's stuck alone?"

"No one is going to be as good as Sync."

Frowning, I start wondering if I've completely misread things. Maybe Indigo is gay, but his heart belongs to Sync. I almost laugh at how I just keep guessing rather than asking the damn question.

"Do you want Siobhan?"

Indigo's expression breaks me a little. This reaction is what I really feared. Not him flipping out or giving me the cold shoulder. It's this pained expression right here. The agony of knowing he might not ever get what he needs to be happy.

I saw that look on Bear years ago, after he accidentally killed Natasha's friend and she ran off. He'd been so close to claiming the woman of his dreams. Then, he was left alone and in pain.

For years, I've been on the brink of the same painful realization. I've scared off men Hunter showed interest in. There weren't many. I wanted to believe she was only dating them to push me away.

But deep down, I worried one of them wouldn't flee in fear. He'd win her heart like I couldn't. Then, I'd been stuck knowing I got so close to everything I needed to be happy.

Such nagging emptiness won't kill a man, but it'll hollow him out. I see the same pain whenever someone mentions Xana to Noble. My VP had been young and in love just like Elvis was. Except he didn't get to keep his dream woman, and nothing will ever fix his pain.

I'm still afraid that'll be me. Even if Hunter loves me, she can be stolen away by her stalker or an asshole who wants revenge against me. I'll never truly break free of the fear.

But at least, I've gotten my shot. Indigo is just sitting back and letting the pain eat him from the inside out.

"Siobhan is a good woman," I state when he goes silent.

"Why are you bothering me right now?"

"Because I remember how jealous I was of Bear when he got his second chance with Natasha. I wanted to be with my woman like he was with his. Now, I think maybe you have someone you want."

"Hunter always wanted you. I was around when you two started drooling all over each other from moment one."

"Yeah, but it wasn't like that with Bear and Natasha. He never seemed to notice her until they were suddenly together that night. Then, he couldn't get her off his mind. There's no blueprint. Everyone is different."

Indigo shrugs. "Siobhan still loves Sync. You're wrong if you can't see it."

"That's not what Hunter says."

Narrowing his gaze, Indigo sneers, "You gossip about people with your girlfriend."

"Yeah, we've talked about her best friend."

Indigo shakes his head. "Whatever."

"Let's just be square here. You like Siobhan."

"Everyone likes Siobhan."

"Not really. Sick Ricky's wife said Siobhan was stuck up."

"Because that bitch is evil."

"True."

Indigo wants to stand up and storm off. Fortunately for me, Grumpy rests his snout on his owner's leg. Not wanting to wake the dog, Indigo keeps his ass put.

"I'm not the guy she wants," Indigo admits, deflating before my eyes.

"How do you know?"

"Who would ever pick me?"

"Chicks at the clubhouse would line up around the block for a turn to ride your dick. You don't even give them a second glance. I assume that's because they're not Siobhan."

Indigo stares at me. Minutes pass. I wait him out. More minutes pass. I check my phone and glance up to find him still staring at me. I don't know how he does that unbroken glare, but it's intimidating as fuck.

"Not everyone gets good things," Indigo finally says when I don't leave. "Or they don't get it like they want. Noble had that pretty girlfriend with the pink hair. I saw her picture on his bedroom mirror. She was cute and young. He was young, too. He lost her a long time ago, and that's all he's ever going to get. Why would someone like me get more?"

"That's not how the world works. There isn't a formula to things. Elvis won Aunt Fred because he made the attempt. She liked him, too. They've worked at shit. Noble got screwed, but for a short time, he had his magic woman. Then, there's Zoot. If he tried to be nice to a woman, he might find someone he could love. But he doesn't even try. If you don't tell Siobhan how you feel, you're just like Zoot. Except he doesn't ever seem like he's missing out on something in life, while you seem lonely like Siobhan."

Indigo stares at me again. More time passes. Grumpy lifts his head and frees Indigo, but my friend stays put.

"I don't want to be like Zoot," Indigo finally says. "But Siobhan's completely blind to me as a man."

"That makes sense, though. She's surrounded by foster brothers, and you're not easy to read. Maybe she's blind because she figures you couldn't possibly see her as a woman."

"No."

"Maybe," I reply.

"Unlikely."

"But possible."

Indigo frowns upward and sighs. "Okay, maybe."

"Do you imagine being her man or just hooking up?"

Indigo's hateful glare returns. "Why is everyone obsessed with fucking?"

"Because it feels good."

"But you kept your dick dry while you waited for Hunter."

"Because any other woman would be a poor substitute."

Indigo immediately blurts out, "Bear didn't wait for Natasha."

"He did for the first year. When it didn't seem like she was coming back, he gave up."

"I'd wait forever for Siobhan," Indigo mutters. "It's not that hard."

"Have you had sex before?" I ask, having talked around that question for many years.

"Yeah."

"When?"

"Back in the hills."

"With one of those weirdo women from the Pound?" I ask, thinking of the Hills Chapter's clubhouse.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Was it gross?"

"It was fine."

"Well, I'll share something with you that I won't tell anyone else. Not even Hunter."

Indigo gives me a curious glance. "Is it about fucking?"

"No, it's about waiting. I find myself wishing I had gone to Hunter years ago and put everything on the line. Told her how she was the only woman I wanted. How I would wait, but I thought we should give the magic between us a try. I was afraid she'd tell me to fuck off for real, so I held back. I pretended being her friend was enough. Now, I see how much she was into me all this time. We could have made the connection way earlier. I was a fucking idiot for not saying the words."

"But you wanted to hold onto the dream longer."

"Yes, and Hunter has a lot of qualities that made me doubt I was good enough for her. She's beautiful, rich, and educated. She's got all these hobbies. None of that fits me, and I figured she knew that, too."

"It was probably smart not to be honest. She might have just pushed you away. Then, when this crazy shit happened, you wouldn't have been around to save her."

"I would have still been around, though. Even if she had said no again, I'd have planted a seed in her head. She'd have heard how special she was to me. When she was lonely, she'd question why she wouldn't give me a shot. I was the real deal. I loved her. She was missing out. But, yeah, I was afraid to get another rejection."

"I figured she already knew all that stuff about how you felt."

"When she said we couldn't date because my life was too dangerous, I tried to blow off her rejection like it was all good. No worries. Didn't bother me. I planted the seed in her head that what we had wasn't serious," I explain and reach over to pat Sleepy's back. "If you were to ask Siobhan out for dinner, she might say yes. You could take her to the steakhouse where she got stood up because we scared off the guy."

"She'd probably only agree because she thinks of me as family."

"You'd need to make sure she knew it was a date."

"Then, she'd probably just say no."

"Sure, she might say that at first. Because she's used to thinking of you as one of her foster brothers. But the seed will be planted. Then, whenever she saw you around, she'd be thinking about you as a man rather than as her foster brother. When you were nice to her, it would mean more because she'd be aware of you in a different way. That seed could grow into her wanting you, too. But right now, she hasn't got a clue."

"No, she doesn't," he mutters.

When Indigo looks around, seeming edgy about making specific plans, I point out, "There's not much you can do until this shit with the stalker is settled and we can travel into town again."

Exhaling hard, Indigo closes his eyes and shuts down. I've hit him with too much emotional baggage at one time. I still sit with him for another twenty minutes. He opens his eyes occasionally and asks a question about where I'll live or if Hunter wants a baby. Once I answer, he closes his eyes and ignores the world.

Eventually, Hunter texts to say she misses me. I like how she craves my attention. Once we're off the farm, Hunter will have enough to keep her busy. For now, I want her to focus on me.

Indigo leaves the woods when I do. He heads in the direction of Aunt Fred on the main farmhouse's porch. I hope she can soothe his unhappiness.

Hunter hurries over when she spots me in the clearing. I smile at her excited face.

"Did you talk to Indigo?"

"He's going to ask her out."

"When?"

"In a year or two."

Hunter freezes in confusion before offering a big smile. I kiss her grinning lips and hold on like a man wishing he hadn't wasted years suffering in silence.