Odette

12

I can't remember the last time I laughed this much. Which must really say something about my life, right? The crowd I've ran with my entire adult life doesn't have birthday parties like this. They aren't casual and relaxed with everyone teasing everyone else. They don't reminisce about the silly adventures they've had in the past because they'd be more ashamed or afraid of appearing uncouth. Class and sophistication are everything in high fashion.

Here, with all of Gavin's friends and teammates, it's another world. I'm realizing that maybe I played the part too well, but never really had fun. I had success, I made money, and while I had plenty of great moments, overall, my life hasn't been fun . That wasn't something that mattered much before, I was focused and driven. But now?

Everything is different. With more time on my hands, will my life be boring without friends like these? Will I become boring? What a horrible fucking thought.

When I said yes to coming here, I had a vision in my head of what it would be like. Hockey players are wealthy and that typically comes with a certain way of life. But these men and their wives have tossed that on its head. The women are all polished and beautiful, but they're also down to earth and real .

Then there's Gavin.

He hasn't been clingy, instead he's let me be pulled from one conversation to the next naturally. Though he's checked in on me in subtle ways. His attention is never fully averted. I guess mine hasn't been, either. He's so easy-going with everyone. How the men respect him, and the women seem to genuinely care about him.

It's a stark reminder of why I fell in love with him. Before . He's kind, he's endearing, he's loyal. So loyal that I lost him because of it.

When he asked if I would come with him today, my initial reaction was to tell him no. Of course, no. But something Tori said made me reconsider. She thinks he's lonely. It reminded me of a conversation I had with him once.

He said it was hard living with his mother and mental health issues. He saw the toll it took on his dad and he worried about the decisions he made because of it. His dad loved his mother, but he was lonely at the same time. She wasn't the same person she'd been when they fell in love, and he missed her. Gavin had once come home to find his dad drunk and crying about how he'd almost had an affair.

He'd told Gavin that lonely people do stupid shit.

Aren't I living proof of that?

I can't trust my heart to Gavin. But I can be his friend. And maybe, in the process, neither of us will be as lonely nor as stupid.

Just maybe.

I've spent so much time pretending I hate him for my self-preservation that when he came back into my life, I forgot it was a lie. I never hated him, I hated how it hurt to lose him.

Or maybe this is the biggest mistake I'll ever make.

"Do you have any embarrassing stories about Vaughn growing up?" Axel Wallin asks. He's one of the handful of single men on the team, they've all been very upfront about their status, and I get the feeling it's for Gavin's benefit in some way. They've hardly let him get close to me, every time he tries another one of the guys comes to grab my attention.

"He hasn't told you about the time he and a few friends were dared to streak across the field at halftime during a football game?"

"," Gavin says from the other side of the room, hanging his head.

"He did not," Cillian says. "The Vaughn we know would never. He's the classiest twat out of all of us."

"Oh, he did. He was known to never back down from a dare. Four of them stripped behind the concession stand to nothing but a sock on their dicks and ran from one end zone to the other. The principal tried catching them, but she was in heels that kept sinking into the grass."

"She broke her ankle," Gavin says amidst the laughter. "For whatever reason, she didn't suspend us, but we had detention every day until she was out of her cast."

"I bet it was a small sock," Letty says. "Like one of those baby ones."

"Fuck you," Gavin says.

"She's not denying it," he says, pointing at me. "It's okay, you can tell us, . We won't tease him too much."

"It wasn't…" I start to say, when I feel the heat on my cheeks. Being well endowed is one of Gavin's gifts, something I remember all too well.

"Well, fuck," Letty says. "That's no fun."

Gavin is suddenly standing behind me.

"Thank you, Ode," he whispers in my ear. His hand comes to rest low on my hip. "I'm glad you remember. I remember some things, too. Like the way you taste."

His whispered words send a shiver down my neck. I'm sure he didn't miss it, just as I don't miss as his palm slides slightly lower to the curve of my ass before he walks away.

"Have we ever tried daring Vaughn to do anything?" Axel asks Oliver.

"No, come to think of it. We'll have to change that."

"Oh no, have I started something?" I ask.

"Are they being too much?" Isla asks, handing me a glass of wine.

"Thank you," I tell her. "Not at all. This is all…refreshing."

"Come sit with me?" she asks, gesturing to two chairs off in a corner. I nod, follow, and sit with her. "I imagine these yahoos are a lot rowdier than your usual crowd."

"It's night and day," I agree. "But I'm having a great time."

"I'm glad. Cill told me Gavin was bringing you and I worried their razzing would be too much. They can't be reined in, though, not even for Gavin's sake."

"I get the impression he's very respected," I say, looking to confirm what I've already caught on to.

"Every one of them plays a role for the rest of the team. Letty is the clown, with a little help from Hugo and Axel. Gavin is the veteran on the team, he has more experience in the game. But also, the life experience of being a father and husband. He's been there to help guide many of the younger players through the rough life during the season."

"That tracks with who I knew him to be," I admit.

"Cillian said the two of you grew up together?"

"We did. And now I mentor his daughter in college."

"Do you miss it? Your life in New York?"

"Just between the two of us, because if this got out it would demolish my reputation," I say, and she laughs but nods. "I thought I would miss it so much more than I do. Honestly, I think I needed the change for a long time and was too stubborn to confront it."

"Oh, I understand stubborn better than most," Isla says. "I'm kind of a professional at it."

"We all have our strengths," I say.

"You might be the first person to ever imply it's something to be proud of," Isla says. "I may have just fallen a little in love with you, ."

"I do love a fan club, so that works out just fine for me."

We chat for a while, with some of the other ladies coming to join in. They talk about some gala that the team has every year to benefit a charity. A few of them, Isla included, perk up when I offer to help with dressing them for the event. After a time, most start to disperse and it's just me and Willa standing alone talking. She's smart, funny, and passionate. She and her sister would be impossible not to like.

Her eyes light with curiosity when she notices Gavin approach us wearing a strange look of his own. Excitement mixed with trepidation, maybe.

"Are you about ready to head out," he says, stepping up close to me. His hand once again finds purchase on my hip. "I have to be up early in the morning."

Then he pulls me close, and his mouth hovers over mine, so close. My body reacts, my breasts brushing his chest and heat pooling low in my stomach. My heart frantically chants, We can't, we can't, we can't. We won't survive this.

It's just a kiss between old friends. It's just a kiss. It doesn't mean anything.

We can't.

"Yes." The word barely escapes, and his lips meet mine with feverish heat. Gavin doesn't hold back; he's not starting slow and building up. He's picking up where he left off. His hand skates up my back, supporting me as he leans in, leading with his tongue. It's passion, desire, a need to be closer, further, deeper. Connected. He doesn't let up until I'm practically gasping for breath. After I fill my lungs, staring him down eye to eye, I realize it only lasted a matter of seconds. Though it felt like a lifetime. I mentally shake away the butterflies that have taken up residence in my chest and secure my armor back in place. I'd been so at ease here today that I'd forgotten it all together. "Did they dare you to kiss me?"

"No, Ode," he says, looking wounded. "Those aren't the games I play."

Gavin takes my hand and weaves us throughout the house to say our goodbyes. I trade numbers with Isla and Willa. Letty tries to give me his, but Gavin shuts the idea down quickly. I play along with his possessiveness because, in truth, I don't want to call him out on anything in front of his coworkers and peers. It feels good to have made a couple of friends today, people who don't know me as a socialite but as just a woman, a teacher, an old friend of their old friend.

"You have great friends," I tell him when we're in his SUV. Gavin hums but doesn't say anything. He hasn't said anything to me since the kiss. Perhaps accusing him was mean spirited, but I'm sure I didn't give him any signal that it was okay to pursue a kiss, either. No matter how much I liked it. My feelings for and about Gavin are so tangled and still so raw. Maybe a friendship with him isn't possible. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry," he says at the same time.

"What are you sorry about?"

"I shouldn't have kissed you."

"Why did you?"

"Because for hours today, I watched you wrap an entire house full of people around your finger by doing nothing but just being you. Those guys aren't easily impressed, everyone there is accomplished in their own right, and every single one was completely enamored by you. Did you have a single conversation today that didn't have you and the person you were speaking to laughing?"

"I don't know," I say. "That's just conversation, though."

"Sure, for some, but not everyone. You strode in and dove right into the deep end like you've lived there your whole life. All while dressed incredibly sexy but not in a way that made you seem unapproachable or that had the other women jealous. I'm not sure you know what a feat that is."

"I have lived in similar settings for a long time now. It's not that difficult to navigate when you know what you're doing. That doesn't explain the kiss."

"I'd say I couldn't help myself, even though I know that makes me sound like a giant asshole. I crossed a line you've been clear about. I apologize. Next time, I'll make you beg for it."

"That's never…" I say, but he interrupts.

"What are you sorry about?"

Initially, I was apologizing for anything I might have done to give him false hope, or an impression that I was looking for more from him. Now…

"I don't think I'm sorry, after all," I say, leaving a little petulance in my voice. "And for the record, I never beg."

"We'll see about that," he says, as I turn to watch out the window. "We need to stop by my place. I forgot to grab your gift before I came to pick you up."

"You don't need to get me gifts, Gavin."

"I wanted to, . Some things I'm not going to ask permission for."

"Like all the flowers you've sent?"

"Yep, just like that."

"Has anyone ever told you how insufferable you are?"

"No, but you can as much as you want to," he says.

He parks in the driveway and once again tells me to stay put so he can open my door for me. The house is newer, an ultra-modern build that is unexpected with its stark paint, clean lines, and no outside embellishment.

"I didn't picture you living in a place so…posh."

"You imagined where I lived?" he asks with a sly smile. "Come on in, it's not as unwelcoming inside."

He's right, I realize when we step inside. It's decorated with overstuffed furniture in warm colors. It's cozy and quaint but still somehow works with the architecture.

"Tori helped you decorate," I guess.

"I gave her a budget; she basically did the rest," he says. "In here."

He walks into the kitchen, stopping when he arrives at the shiny white countertop. A large wicker basket sits there, a bounty of baked goods spilling over the top.

"What is this?"

"Bread, blueberry muffins, apple cinnamon muffins, snickerdoodle cookies, vanilla scones," he says, pointing to the various items. "All gluten free and organic. I was very careful with the ingredients."

"You made all this?"

"Yeah, and a few other things that tasted like shit and got thrown out. These all turned out pretty good, though. You can freeze some, so they'll last longer."

"Gavin."

"Caroline said good gluten-free bread is hard to get and who the fuck can live without bread? I get restless sometimes when I'm here alone, so it seemed like a good way to spend my time." He's rambling and rearranging things in the basket, all while I stand in awe. "When I finally got the bread right, I figured I might as well try muffins and then it all snowballed."

What kind of man learns to bake for a practical stranger, because we are that, aren't we? Even if it doesn't always feel that way.

"Gavin," I repeat, as a sudden wave of chills grabs hold of me. I wrap my arms around me as if it can ward off the cold, the emotion, the exhaustion that wants to creep in. I've had a few Hashimoto flare-ups that have felt similar, but I think this is more than just that, it's different. Foreign, even.

"Hey," he says, stepping close and cupping my cheeks. "You okay?"

"No," I say, staring up at him with a vulnerability I haven't felt for so, so long.

"It's just bread, ." He rubs his thumbs along my jawline and it's the most soothing thing I've experienced since being sick as a child and my mother would lay my head on her lap and pet my hair.

"It's not just bread, Gavin," I tell him. "It's you being considerate and kind when I've been the opposite to you."

"The bread, the flowers, they aren't transactional, Ode. You don't have to be nice to me because I do things for you. If I didn't want to do them, I wouldn't," he says. "I understand why this is hard for you."

Try as I might to keep the tears at bay, I can't.

"You don't, Gavin. You can't possibly understand what it's like to watch the only person you ever planned a future with wait at the end of the aisle to marry someone else. I watched you kiss your bride and smile while my heart broke in real time," I say with a voice that sounds steadier than it feels. "You can't know what it was like to lie in bed alone that night and wonder how their wedding night was spent."

"Ode." His forehead rests on mine, his eyes closed. He can try not to see but I'll live with those memories forever.

"I can't give you much of me, Gavin. There's so little left of me."

"I don't believe that, and I'm so sorry."

"Don't. I don't need an apology."

"What do you need, ?"

"For you to abandon any expectations," I say. His handsome face was happy and hopeful all day. I've now ruined it because I won't hold in my own truth. I don't know if it's fair to share my pain with him but it's too hard to keep it to myself right now. "Friends is all I can give, Gavin. And I fear I can't be a very good one to you."

"I won't ask for more than you can give, Ode," he says after a steadying breath. "Just let me be some small part of your life."