Gavin

10

Then

I 've been spoiled in my life. My family, while not wealthy, has always been comfortable. My parents are kind, caring, and always treat me with the same respect they expect in return. Every dream I've ever had has been met by nothing but support from them. I was born with a talent I can only take so much credit for. Sure, I've put the work into hockey, but so much of it has come naturally.

School has never been hard. I'm not a genius, but I'm smart enough that nothing has been particularly challenging. I'm surrounded by friends and never lack for something to do or people to do it with.

All that aside, I feel like I've won some kind of lottery by dating Odette.

We've been together for weeks now. There haven't been any labels or declarations made, but I think of her as my girlfriend. She's mine. Just as I'm hers.

Everything about us is different than the relationship I had with Caroline. It's exciting instead of comfortable. She makes me think differently because we're so different and our circles have never really collided.

Each morning, I wake up eager to talk to her and antsy to see her. It's not how I've ever felt about Caroline. My adoration for my ex-girlfriend slash best friend is different on every level. We grew up together, there isn't anything we don't know about each other.

Odette is like getting a present every day and being continually surprised by what is inside the box.

While I love that for her and I, it also makes me feel some kind of remorse for all three of us. Caroline could have had this with someone else, and Odette and I could have had this earlier.

But it is what it is, and I'm not trying to look at the past. We have big futures ahead to focus on. I want Odette to be a part of that. Besides hockey, I've never been so confident in anything. That's probably stupid, we're both so young and this has just started. But I know how I feel. Even if I'm not sure she feels the same.

We've gone out a lot these past weeks. I've taken her to dinner more nights than not, we've been to movies, we've picnicked. I can't get her to ice-skate or hike with me; her refusal always makes me laugh because she says she's "not that kind of girl", as if I'm asking her to let me bang her in public or something.

Tonight, I'm going to push her boundaries some and take her camping. But, like, fancy camping. It's only one night; she'll survive and not hate me for it. In fact, I'm banking on her loving it.

Fuck, I hope she loves it.

"Wake up, baby. We're here," I say, when we finally arrive. The drive was a few hours to get just outside of the city. A hockey friend of mine lives here and he has private roof access which overlooks Manhattan across the river. I thumb her temple, and she sighs as a smile grows. She hasn't opened her eyes yet, though. "You were sleepy."

"Somebody has been interrupting my beauty sleep," she says, slowly waking up and looking out the window. "Where are we?"

"Weehawken."

"Why?" she asks, laughing. And yeah, this is why I left it as a surprise. Weehawken isn't exactly a big destination city.

"You'll see," I tell her, leaning over to press a kiss to her cheek. "Don't judge just yet."

"No judgment, but maybe some shock and awe," she says. "Weehawken, New Jersey, for a date night is definitely a choice."

"Trust me," I say when I rush around to the passenger side and open the door for her.

"I do," she says, her eyes shining with what I think is honesty. I stare down at her in a silent vow that I feel the same.

This isn't something she does easily, the whole trusting someone. I caught on to that early enough. She keeps her cards close to her chest. It's not from any past trauma, we've had conversations about that, and she doesn't have any, she's just cautious with herself. She's a planner, things that veer away from that plan put her guard up.

Things like me. I'm chipping away at it little by little, though. Her trusting me feels like a huge step.

"Come on then," I say, grabbing both of our overnight bags with one hand and tangling my fingers with hers to lead her into Jack's building. It's a walk up and she's throwing me side eyes by the time we get to the fifth floor. Odette doesn't voice her complaints, and again, it makes me laugh.

"Are you laughing at me?"

"Nope, I wouldn't dream of it."

"I'm on to you, Vaughn."

"I hope so, Quinn," I say, slow and quiet. Jack opens the door when I knock, and after a quick introduction, he points to the stairs. Odette's still looking confused, but as soon as we walk out on the roof, her face morphs to surprise.

He found me a company that set up a big white canvas tent furnished with an actual bed and some cozy sack chairs and string lights everywhere. They catered food and left a cooler. We're set up with anything we could need.

"."

"I know you aren't the camping type, but this is only barely camping."

"It's perfect. Really."

"I thought it would be cool to watch the sun set on the city that you're going to be calling home soon. The one you're going to take by storm," I tell her, taking a seat in one of the chairs and pulling her down on my lap.

"You think I will?" She stares out across the river. It's quieter here, but I think we both imagine the noise there. The people, the cabs, the life, it's much more than what we've grown up with.

"I know you will. They're all going to fall at your feet, Odette," I say. "As they fucking should."

"You're very confident in me," she says, turning in my lap to see me better. "I like it."

"I like you," I say, though other words form in my head. Words I'm not sure she's ready to hear, or I'm ready to say. It sits on the tip of my tongue, though. Not heavy, but making its presence known.

"I like you, too, ." She snuggles down into my chest. "You're special. Do you know that? Has anyone ever told you?"

"Coaches have."

"I don't mean just hockey," she says, placing a hand over my heart. "It's more than that. You're more than just that."

My breath hitches, because no, nobody has ever said anything like this to me. That word wants to slip out even more, but I swallow it down with the emotion she evokes and instead tighten my arms around her.

"You're more than just your dreams, too, Ode. You're thoughtful and kind, but tough and honest, too. My mom would call you an old soul."

"I like your mom," she says.

"She likes you, too," I say, showing some of my own honesty but keeping out the fact that both my mother and Caroline's were upset by our breakup. They've been friends since they were teenagers. I think they always had this grand plan for our families. Maybe I went along with it, in part, to try and keep my mom happy. I know now that nothing I can do will help, and it isn't my responsibility.

"She's going to be very sad when you leave for school."

"She will," I agree. "But at least I'll be close. I had opportunities all over the country and considered one farther west. That would have been trickier; she doesn't like long flights."

"And I'll be there," she says, looking at the horizon as daylight starts to fade and the lights of the city start to shine.

"Living your best life and maybe visiting me on the occasional weekend."

"You sure you'll have time for that in between all the puck bunnies?"

"Are you jealous of these nonexistent women, Quinn?" I ask her, thumbing her chin to make her look at me.

"I don't do jealous, . I'm not that—"

"Type of girl," I finish for her. "I know."

"I guess I'm just saying that I know it might not be as easy for you as it will be for me when we're apart."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because you're a hotshot jock with huge prospects. You'll always have women throwing themselves at you. It won't be the same for me, that's all."

"You don't think I would be faithful?" While I understand what she's saying, I don't think I've done anything that would give her the impression that I wouldn't, or couldn't, stay true to her.

"Well, we've never actually defined that we're a couple or anything, for one. Secondly, of course I think you would be faithful to me, if that's what we decide we're doing. I'm asking if that's what we're doing," she says. "Are we?"

"I want that," I say, resting my forehead on hers. "In my heart, we're already there."

"You're sure?"

"Never been more sure of anything in my life."

"We need to talk," Caroline says when I answer the door.

We haven't spoken much since our breakup, a stark departure from, well, really, our whole lives. She and I both thought it was best to try and sever the ties some. Of course, we still want to be friends. But we don't need to be attached at the hip going into the next stage of our lives.

"Sure, come on in," I say, examining her red, puffy eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Are your parents home?"

"No, not for another hour or so. What's going on, Caroline?"

She walks past me into our living room and falls into the corner of the sofa. Immediately, she covers her face and starts sobbing.

"Caroline? What the fuck?" I kneel, trying to wrap my arms around her to console her. My first thought is that someone hurt her. My second is that I might get brought up on charges if they did.

"I'm so sorry, Gav. I don't know how it happened," she says through hiccupping cries.

"What's happened?"

She wipes at her cheeks and eyes, eventually lowering her hands to her lap.

"You've been getting close to Odette. Spending a lot of time with her?"

"Yeah," I hedge. I'm not sure what she could have to do with anything that would make Caroline cry like this. "Why?"

"Do you love her?"

"I'm not sure. It's early still. I like her a lot, definitely."

"I thought so. I could tell the last time we talked."

"What does this have to do with me and Odette?"

"I don't want to make things harder for you," she says quietly, her fingers visibly shaking.

"Caroline, tell me."

Sometimes, I think if we pay enough attention to what's going on around us, we can see the world giving us warnings. Like, the air around you changes when you're about to be thrown on your head. It's not like a lightning strike, it's quiet and subtle, but I believe it when people say they felt the sudden dread. I feel it now, like my whole life is going to change by whatever Caroline is about to say.

"I'm pregnant, Gav. And I'm keeping it."

Surely, I didn't hear that right. The blood pounding in my ears must have distorted her words. She can't be pregnant since we've always been so careful.

"Repeat that," I say.

"I'm pregnant. Four months along. And I'm sorry that this is happening right now."

"It's not your fault," I say, my voice feeling far away. Or maybe it's my voice here in the room with her, but my body and soul are somewhere else. Floating above us, watching as our lives change irrevocably. "It's not something you could have done on your own."

"No," she says, laughing a little but in that nervous way we use humor to mask our real emotions. "Sit, let's talk it out."

Caroline pats the cushion next to her, and I join her.

"Fuck, Caroline."

"I know." She sighs. "It had to be that last time. Isn't that just the craziest kind of luck? I've known for a few weeks, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. It's a big decision and I didn't want to rush it."

"No, I wouldn't want you to, either," I say, still shocked by all this. "What about school?"

"I'm not going." Her answer comes quickly but there isn't any sadness with it.

"You're sure?"

"I've never been surer," she says, and it reminds me of what I said to Odette only last night.

This is why Caroline asked about her. Because how do I start a relationship that already had so many obstacles in front of it, when I'm about to be a father with another woman? How am I even supposed to navigate college and hockey through all this? It's not going to be easy living in Boston for the school year and having a baby here in upstate New York, let alone a girlfriend in the City.

My focus was supposed to be school and the sport. Odette was going to be the prize in my free time, but now, I'll be prioritizing differently, and she'll be left where? As an afterthought? She's not somebody you put at the bottom of your list.

"Fuck," I say, leaning my head back against the cushion and staring up at the ceiling fan as it whirls as fast as my heartbeat. "I'll have to break it off with Odette. Won't I?"

"I don't know, Gav. I really don't know. I hate that for you, though, you know that, right?"

"And I hate that you're putting off college and a career." Caroline is smart, she always has been, it's come easy to her. She never struggled in school, every year ending it with a perfect four point. Cheerleading was the extracurricular she chose to help impress colleges because she wanted to have choices on where to go. I've never had any doubt that she'd be amazing at whatever she chose to do in life. "You're going to be a great mom."

"I know," she says, confident but still somehow sad. "It feels right. Keeping the baby? It feels right, like I'm meant to be this baby's mama. I don't want you to worry about that."

"I would never. I'm more worried about how I'm going to fit in."

We talk until my parents come home. Then we talk more, including them in the conversation. My mom cries with Caroline in her arms, while my dad, the more rational of us all, helps me work out plans. We painstakingly work through every angle like it's a hockey game rather than a pregnancy. I feel oddly detached from so much of it but, halfway through the night, I make a decision of my own.

Caroline made hers, and now, I've made mine. She agreed with it. Are either of us truly happy about it? Not entirely. But it isn't about just us now, we have a baby to think about. We're young and na?ve, yet we know what's most important here. And that is giving this child a good life, filled with love and opportunities. We both had that. We still do. The proof is shown by how both our families are behind us now.

For better or worse.