1. Blaise

Blood.

So much blood.

What have I done?

Whathaveidonewhathaveidonewhathaveidone

Run.

Skeletal faces above me. Drawing out my power.

The pain.

Pain.

Good.

I deserve it.

I deserve all of this.

Pleaseletmedie.

River.

Not River. Nononono.

Pinned down.

Someone sitting on me.

The weight. It's an anchor. Holding me in place.

"Did no one teach you manners when you were growing up?"

That voice.

"Lucky for you, educating bratty boys on how to behave happens to be a speciality of mine."

I sat up, gasping, sweat running down my face. The usual traffic noise from outside was drowned out by the pounding of blood in my ears.

I drew in several ragged breaths as I repeated my mantra.

Just a dream.

Again.

Exhausted, I ran my hands over my face before surveying the damage. My bedding was on the floor, but other than that I seemed to have kept the nightmare contained.

The wind chose that moment to knock the cardboard out of the window. Sighing, I shuffled out of bed, grabbing some tape to put it back in place. I needed to get it fixed, or at least find a better solution than a torn-up Amazon box.

That'd require effort though. Something I couldn't manage much of on the best of days. I'd chosen this house because it was close to my twin, River, but that was all the thought that'd gone into it.

Dropping back onto my bed, I rested my head in my hands. Maybe if I pushed on my eyes hard enough, I'd be able to erase the image of Bailey bleeding out on the floor. Or the memory of the most cowardly thing I'd ever done in my life. The most cowardly thing anyone had ever done.

Run.

River was labouring under the misapprehension that my current piss-poor mental state was because of the ghasts.

And I mean, okay, I can see how being kidnapped and tortured by creatures that were half ghosts and half demons might have caused some trauma, but that wasn't what drove me from my bed every night. It wasn't what had me smashing up windows and setting fire to my bedding in my sleep. Being tied to a stone table in a dank cave wasn't the memory that tortured me the most.

No, I deserved everything I'd got in those caves. I'd hoarded every ounce of pain and been grateful for each drop of my power they leeched away.

I deserved it. I deserved so much worse.

An innocent man had lost his life because of me. I might not have intended to kill him, but that had been the outcome.

His death wasn't even the worst part. That'd happened when Bailey was lying on the floor, blood pouring from the gash on his head. I'd had a split second to make a decision.

And I made the wrong one.

I ran.

Like the fucking coward I am, I left him dying on the floor for his mate to discover.

I should've stayed. Should've tried to save him. Should've let Harlow, Bailey's demonic mate, give me the eternal death I deserved.

It didn't matter that Bailey had been reincarnated. Didn't matter that he'd forgiven me. Didn't matter that Harlow had agreed to not murder me on sight.

None of it fucking mattered, because I'd never forgive myself. What I'd done was unforgivable, and I'd carry the guilt of it for the rest of eternity.

There had only been two times when the guilt had lessened. When the dark cloud that hung over me had receded enough for me to take a full breath.

Ironically, the first was while I was being tortured by the ghasts. As far as I was concerned, they were doling out punishment I richly deserved. It might have sounded strange, but while I was suffering, my brain was the most at peace. I was finally paying the price for my sins.

After River and his mate, Mori, rescued me, the darkness had returned full force. I thought there'd never be a break in the cloud again. Which was fine. The darkness was what I'd earned through my past actions.

But then it had happened again…in a way that had caught me completely off guard.

It had involved a tiny vampire pinning me to the floor with a stake at my throat as he rightly called me out on my shitty behaviour.

"Did no one teach you manners when you were growing up?"

His weight, although considerably less than my own, was a comforting pressure. The dominance in his tone as he berated me and commanded me to apologise had my cock twitching.

Super inappropriate given the circumstances at the time, specifically River being held hostage by ghasts. The last thing I should've noticed was that I was finally feeling an emotion other than guilt, shame, or despair.

I couldn't help it though. The vampire, Toby, said something to me. Something that changed everything, offering a lifeline I couldn't help but yearn for.

"Lucky for you, educating bratty boys on how to behave happens to be a speciality of mine."

I wasn't completely naive when it came to the kink scene. After being alive a few hundred years, there was little you didn't know about.

I might've been aware of it, but it wasn't something I'd explored. To be honest, love, relationships, mates…none of it had ever been a priority for me. I'd had River and our clan, that'd been enough.

Until suddenly it wasn't. A plague of ghasts and my own idiocy had cost me almost everything. My clan didn't even exist now, River and myself the only ones to have survived the onslaught. Sure, there were other mages out there, but they were all in other clans. It wasn't the same.

Things weren't even the same with my twin now that he had Mori. The grumpy demon was perfectly suited to deal with my headstrong and, at times, bratty brother. Neither of them had expected to find love, but fate had had other ideas. Now River had his mate to go home to and spend time with. We still hung out, but it was different. I was no longer his other half. Mori was.

Which was fine. As already established, I didn't deserve to be happy.

This crushing loneliness was appropriate. I'd learned to embrace it. To wrap it around me like a cloak. It kept everyone else at arm's length and allowed me to languish in the darkness, atoning for my past crimes.

Toby's words had pierced that darkness, taunting me with thoughts of things I shouldn't even consider—a wondering that loosened my cloak of loneliness with the promise of something more. Something I'd given up all rights to after what I'd done to Bailey.

"Lucky for you, educating bratty boys on how to behave happens to be a speciality of mine."

Was Toby a Dom? He certainly gave off those vibes.

Certainly made me want to drop to my knees. To let him guide me. Please me.

Punish me.

I'd never done anything like that before. Ever.

Shame it didn't mean anything. It couldn't. Not after everything I'd done. I didn't deserve anything like that. Nothing that'd bring me any peace or joy.

Still, I couldn't stop thinking about Toby.

Or visiting him.

Exhaling slowly, I checked the time. One a.m.

Two hours before The Closet, where Toby happened to be the manager, closed. I shouldn't go down there. It wasn't like I was even brave enough to talk to him. Usually I just hid in a corner, watching the confident way he worked the bar. How nimble his fingers were as he twirled bottles. The way he fiddled with his lip ring when he was thinking. How he smirked and winked at customers trying their luck.

But most of all I watched him watching me.

He always knew I was there. It was obvious from the way he blatantly stared at me between customers, eyes narrowed like he was trying to strip away non-existent layers to find out what hid beneath.

"Nothing."That was what I wanted to tell him. "There's nothing there."

I didn't though. I didn't say a word to him.

What was more, Toby didn't speak to me. Just watched me as closely as I watched him.

Night after night, I found myself back there. I tried not to go—fuck knows I tried. I'd eat the bare minimum to keep myself alive before working out in the slapdash gym I'd thrown together in the basement. Only when I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer would I stumble into the shower before passing out in bed.

It was never enough though. There was no amount of miles I could run, no amount of weight that I could lift, that had me sleeping through the night. That was okay. I didn't deserve to rest. It wasn't even like I needed much sleep as a supe.

Despite all that, this constant exhaustion was starting to weigh on me. With every hour of sleeplessness that passed, the cloud above me got heavier. A little harder to ignore.

I was starting to suffocate.

So, when the inevitable nightmares chased me from sleep, there was only one place I wanted to go. One person I wanted to see. And not the one I should have wanted to see. The Closet wasn't only Toby's haunt, but River's too. Yet it wasn't my twin's company I sought. It wasn't him I needed.

I needed Toby.

Giving in to the inevitable, I shoved off my bed and reached for my clothes, poking out of one of the bin bags I used as storage. Why bother with actual furniture? That'd suggest I had a life or a future here.

I'd given up any right to those the day I'd abandoned Bailey.

After seeing Toby, I'd be able to sleep. I didn't know why it worked, but it did.

Even though I knew I deserved to feel this way, the selfish part of me wanted a few minutes of respite. A little quiet where I could inhale and feel the air rush all the way to the deepest parts of my lungs.

And for that, I needed Toby.

The club was far quieter than expected, Wednesday seemingly not the night for partying. I wavered by the door, unsure what to do. Usually the bar was heaving, leaving me with no options other than the booths at the back.

Tonight though, only two stools at the bar were occupied. Mori was wiping down the bar while one of the other bartenders, Lucky, was stacking glasses.

My heart sank. Toby wasn't here. The cloud descended, almost gloating at how the reprieve I'd been hoping for was out of reach.

I was about to leave when the door to the back swung open. Toby entered, carrying two crates of bottles. He couldn't even see over the top of them, but that didn't stop him carting them down to the far end of the bar like they weighed nothing.

To him, they probably didn't. Size didn't equal strength, especially if you were a supe. You just had to look at me to see how true that was. I was built like a brick shithouse, but I wasn't strong. I was weak. Pathetic. Easily taken down.

It was enough of a reminder of how pointless this was. Why was I seeking out relief from my punishments? I should be revelling in the reminder that it was what I deserved.

I should go.

But before I could, Toby put down his load and spotted me. His gaze swept over me slowly, making my heart race faster.

I couldn't move, his intense focus pinning me in place.

Panic filled me, my limbs turning to stone. What was I supposed to do? Should I go sit at the bar? Or hide in the booths like usual?

I didn't know. Fuck, I couldn't think. Why was everything so hard?

Toby cocked his head to the side, raising a brow like he was assessing me. Questioning me.

Challenging me.

I let out a shaky breath, turning my gaze away and staring at the floor. I couldn't do this. For fuck's sake, I couldn't even make a simple decision. It wasn't something I'd been great at before everything had happened. Now though, knowing what my decisions cost people?

It was near impossible.

I was such a fuck-up. I shouldn't be here. I needed to leave.

Not looking back at Toby, I spun on my heel. I barely made it three paces before a hand touched my shoulder blade, making me freeze.

"Where you going, Blaise?"

It was difficult but I was able to choke out a single word. "Home."

Toby stepped around in front of me, that brow still raised. "Oh? Is that where you want to go?"

No.

I blinked at him, unable to make my mouth form the word.

"I see." Toby stepped closer, amusement dancing on his lips. "Want me to decide for you?"

Yes.

My words once again failed me. I berated myself internally. What the fuck was wrong with me?

Toby was so close now that I could feel the chill coming off him. As a fire mage, I ran hotter than most. As a vampire, Toby was the complete opposite.

Maybe I should have found that a turn-off, but I didn't. It drew me to him even more, like perhaps his ice could cool my fire.

Just for a moment. Just long enough for me to breathe.

Toby hummed, reminding me that I'd spent this whole time blankly staring at him, not saying a word. "Okay, I'm going to give you two choices."

I flinched internally. No, I didn't want choices.Choices led to bad decisions. I wanted Toby to tell me what to do.

"One—we exchange phone numbers before you go home. You text me when you're there and again tomorrow when you wake up so I know you actually got some sleep."

I frowned, confused. Why would he care about that?

"Two—you sit down at the bar and wait for me to finish my shift. After that I'll take you up to my place and make you forget whatever had you running here. Again."

I didn't speak. That still required me to make a decision. Why couldn't he just choosefor me?

Toby hummed, sliding his hand into my pocket. I startled, making him grin. "It's okay darling, just getting your phone. Not touching you anywhere inappropriate." I must've frowned, because Toby smirked. "Unless you want me to. Fair warning, if you choose option two? Inappropriate touching will definitely be on the agenda."

Toby didn't seem bothered by the fact that I'd only managed a single word during this whole conversation. He held my phone up to my face to unlock it before tapping away at the screen. "There, now you've got my number, so you can text me when you're home if you choose option one."

He could've handed the phone back to me, but instead he leaned forward to return it to my pocket. Just the proximity had my cock stiffening, hoping his hand might slip.

But nope. Like he'd promised, there was no inappropriate touching.

Yet.

There was, however, a gleam in his eyes, like he knew exactly what I was thinking. How just him taking a small bit of control away from me was making me almost dizzy with both lust and relief.

"It's up to you, Blaise." He stepped back, putting his hands in his pockets. "Go home and text me, or come sit at the bar and let me take care of you. No pressure either way."

I finally found my voice "What if I leave and don't text you?"

Toby smiled, clearly expecting the question. "Then I'll assume you want me to back all the way off and leave you alone."

I balked before I even fully considered it. I wasn't sure what I wanted from this mysterious and enigmatic vamp, but it sure as fuck wasn't for him to leave me alone.

Toby glanced over his shoulder as Mori called his name, holding up a hand to indicate he'd just be a second. When he turned back to me, he stepped close so no one else could hear. "You can't seem to stay away, Blaise, so I want to get to the bottom of why. This is your chance to tell me you don't want that. If you don't, I'm going to take that as permission to give you what I think you need."

My mouth dried out. I should tell him I didn't want that, right? The last thing I should be doing was pursuing anything with anyone.

Toby's gaze softened. "But if you do come back with me tonight, or even text me later…I promise to do everything I can to give you peace. To make you feel calm. Safe. Secure. Satisfied."

I didn't really care about the last one, but the others? I'd do just about anything to have even five minutes of that.

Even if I didn't deserve it.

"It's up to you," Toby said huskily, not breaking my gaze as he backed away towards the bar. "No pressure. I won't be offended by whatever you choose."

I watched him go greedily, already feeling adrift in his absence.

He'd given me options with clear outcomes.

I just had to decide what I wanted.

What do I want?

Peace.

I wanted peace. I wanted Toby to take all control so I didn't have to do anything other than feel.

Summoning up more courage than I could've imagined I had, I forced my feet to move. I was tense as I slid onto the stool at the bar, waiting for Toby to notice my presence.

It took less than a minute for him to place a bottle of water in front of me. Leaning over the bar, he put his lips close to my ear.

"Good boy."