12. Toby

The first few weeks of a contract were always a bit of a whirlwind. You had all the usual parts of getting to know someone, but with the added complication of kink. The clear boundaries and expectations certainly helped, but that didn't mean it was easy. I was constantly analysing my sub's reactions to everything. Were they comfortable? Did the rules need tweaking? Were they happy with the decisions I was making?

With Blaise though, we'd slipped into a contract with ease. Something that was a huge surprise given how new he was to the lifestyle. He soaked up my direction and attention like it was the oxygen he needed to breathe.

The fact that I'd only had to discipline him three times so far was testament to how well he'd taken to it. Usually it took a solid month or two for subs to learn that their lives were more pleasant if they followed the rules. Not Blaise. He tried his hardest not to make any slips, and when he did, he accepted his punishments gracefully.

That wasn't to say he didn't occasionally toe the line, seeing how far he could push me before I'd respond. Like I'd said before though, bratty boys were my weakness. The more Blaise gave in to his submissive side, the more the brat was starting to come out to play.

It both thrilled and terrified me.

Thrilled, because I loved to see it. Terrified, because the last thing I needed was for Blaise to be more appealing.

Honestly, I'd known having penetrative sex with him was risky. Not in the traditional sense—supes couldn't catch sexually transmitted infections or diseases—but because I'd known it would mean more to me than it should. It was why I'd made him keep the blindfold on throughout. I'd thought maybe if I couldn't see his eyes, I could keep an element of distance there.

I'd thought wrong. Being inside Blaise had felt better than anything I'd experienced before. And when he'd tilted his head up to mine after? Fuck. Every instinct had told me to kiss him, to capture his lips with mine and drink down his taste until nothing else existed except him.

Thank god my brain had kicked in and reminded us both of why that couldn't happen. I'd worried that Blaise had been hurt, but once he'd returned from the bathroom, he was his usual self.

So, yes. The first few weeks were often tricky with a new sub. With Blaise though, it was tripping me up in new, unexpected ways. Mainly because I could already see how easily I could fall for him. How simple it would be to just relax into our dynamic and plant seeds in the hope of a future.

What might grow would never live long enough to bear fruit though. They might sprout. Might push up from the soil with great promise, thriving in the environment as they began to bloom. But soon the sunshine would be cut off, the sustenance they needed nowhere to be found. All that would be left was another patch of dead wasteland, joining the others already cluttering up my heart.

The nights were the hardest to remember why I couldn't go there. Times like right now, when I had nothing to do but watch Blaise sleep. He was so unguarded at rest. I'd never admit it, but part of me was grateful for the threat of the ghasts hanging over us. It gave me a perfect excuse to insist Blaise slept in my flat. In my bed. For me to watch over him possessively, imagining for a little while what it might be like if he were truly mine.

Perhaps it was a good thing he never would be. If I was this protective and possessive over him as my sub, how out of control would I be if he were my mate?

Blaise stirred in the bed, his brows twitching. I sat upright, my whole body on alert. He'd been sleeping better since we'd entered into the contract, but sometimes nothing could stop his nightmares.

Looked like tonight was going to be one of those nights.

Moving fast, I unplugged the lamp from the side of the bed Blaise was closest to. The bedside table followed, moved well out of his reach. I wasn't worried about him breaking it, nor about him hurting himself. As a supe, Blaise had a very high pain threshold.

No, what I was trying to avoid was a repeat of the first time Blaise had a nightmare here. When he'd thrashed out in his sleep and accidentally broken a glass. His mortified apologies had gone on for so long that I'd ended up putting my cock in his mouth just to make him stop.

He'd sucked me off before falling asleep with my softening dick between his lips. While I wasn't opposed to repeating that, I didn't want him to feel guilty about things out of his control. He did enough of that during waking hours, there was no point adding the sleeping ones too.

With everything out of his reach, I waited.

Blaise whimpered, slamming his head from side to side. "No. No. Please. I'm sorry."

The heat in the room was rising to an almost unbearable level. Blaise's thrashing grew, like he was running or fighting in his dream. I stared at him helplessly, knowing that the look of horror on his face would haunt me, the same way his memories were haunting him.

I bit my lip, unsure of what to do. Would it be better to wake him? Or leave him be and hope he didn't remember it when he woke up?

The decision was taken out of my hands a split second later. Blaise jerked upright in bed, gasping wildly. He pressed a smoking hand to his chest, his eyes darting around the room.

Shit. He didn't know where he was.

Leaping onto the bed, I straddled his lap. He panicked, trying to throw me off, but I held firm.

"Blaise. Blaise, it's Toby. You're okay."

My words weren't getting through. His pupils were unfocused, caught on some invisible horror. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Didn't mean to. Didn't mean to."

I winced as flames licked along my legs, burning through my clothes and singeing my flesh. I gritted my teeth against the pain. I wasn't letting him go, not while he was suffering. My whole flat, the whole damned building, could burn down before I stopped holding him.

Wanting to pull Blaise out of it, I grabbed him by the throat. Dropping my voice low, I barked an order. "Boy, look at me."

Blaise blinked rapidly, like his brain was fighting to get back to me.

My clothes were fully alight now, melting into my skin. I ignored it all, focusing on nothing but the shaking man beneath me. Tightening my grip, I leaned my forehead against his. "Come back to me, boy. Do as I say. Now."

His pulse faltered.

A stuttered gasp.

All at once, the flames were extinguished.

"Toby?" Even groggy with sleep, there was no missing the horror in his voice. "Oh my god. Oh my god! What have I done?"

He tried to buck me off again, but I tightened my grip with a snarl. "Don't you dare, Blaise."

He froze, his eyes shining as he cast his gaze over me. "But I hurt you. Your clothes are fucking meltedto your skin. I'm worthless. So fucking worthless."

"Blaise, I know you're hurting and upset, so I'm going to let you off with a warning."

"Let me up," he croaked, a tear falling down his cheek. "I'm serious, Toby. I need to go."

My stomach bucked but I kept my tone even. "No. Unless you're going to safe-word, I'm staying right here, and you're going to damn well do as you're told."

Despite my bravado, I held my breath. This was a huge fucking gamble. If he safe-worded, I'd have no choice but to let him leave.

But when he opened his mouth, nothing came out other than a choked sob. His whole face crumpled as Blaise fell to pieces before my eyes.

Shit. Seeing him like this was a million times more painful than his flames. I couldn't let him know that though. He needed me to be strong for him.

Switching my grip to the back of his neck, I tugged him forwards until his face was against my chest. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close as I rocked him.

After a moment, I realised there were words buried between his sobs. Words so quiet that I had to strain my ears to hear them.

"So fucking useless…I might as well be dead…What's the point. I should've died in that cave…Should've stayed and let Harlow kill me…What's the fucking point."

My heart was in my mouth. I'd known Blaise was struggling, of course I had. But this? Wishing he were dead? Thinking he had nothing to live for?

Suddenly everything else—the contract, my fears about falling for Blaise—none of it meant anything. There was one thing I wanted. Just one.

For Blaise to love himself again. For him to love life again.

I let him cry for a few minutes longer. Let him pour out his hate for himself. Maybe then he would feel better. Maybe getting this poison out of his veins would allow him to heal.

But when he finally lifted his swollen eyes to meet mine, I knew that hadn't happened.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm such a fuck-up. Why are you even bothering with me?"

Just like that, I knew what I had to do. Blaise didn't need Toby right now, he needed his master. "Stop. Right now, boy." Blaise clamped his lips shut tightly. I pushed off his lap, but was careful to keep my hold on the back of his neck. "Up. Now."

Using my grip, I steered him into the bathroom. Finally releasing him, I spun to face the mirror. "Strip me."

Blaise was hovering behind me, a small crease between his brows. "What?"

I lifted my chin. "Strip. Me."

His throat bobbed but his shaky hands lifted to my shirt. The cotton was so melted and charred that he had to tear it, peeling it away from my skin in pieces. Same with my pyjama bottoms.

"What do you see?"

Blaise stared down at the ruined clothes. "A fucking mess."

"No," I said quietly. "Look at me. What do you see?"

He forced his red-rimmed eyes to meet mine in the reflection. "I don't know."

I tilted my head to the side. "Do I have any injuries? Marks? Any damage at all?"

Blaise didn't answer, so I spun to face him. "Well? Can you see any?"

He huffed. "Obviously not—you're a supe."

"Exactly," I growled, digging my finger into his chest. "I'm immortal, just like you. You can't hurt me, Blaise. Not unless I allow it."

"But I did hurt you," he said helplessly, shoving his hand into his hair. "Don't tell me that wasn't painful, Toby. I'm not stupid."

I closed the distance between us, glaring up at him. "Don't put words in my mouth, boy. I didn't say it wasn't painful, I said you didn't hurt me. There's a vast difference between the two. I'm capable of handling far more than what you dished out. At that moment, you were the one suffering, not me. I'll go through that every fucking night if you need me to. You got it?"

"I just couldn't live with myself if you were hurt because of me." Blaise's voice cracked as another tear slid down his cheek. "I'm barely able to cling on as it is. If you were hurt because of me…I don't know what I'd do."

"You don't need to know what to do," I said simply, pulling his head down until he was leaning it against mine. "That's what I'm here for. You're not going to hurt me, Blaise. I won't let you. You can just be yourself with me, without any worries or shame."

"It's so hard," he confessed in a whisper. "I don't want to feel like this, Tobes. I swear I don't."

"I know." I held him steady. "That's why I'm going to insist you see a therapist."

His head flew up in alarm. "Wait, but you said you wouldn't push until I was ready."

"That was before I knew how bad things are. I can't do this alone, Blaise. I wish I had all the answers, but I don't." I ran my thumb along his scar. "As for being ready? I don't think anyone is ever ready to seek help. Sometimes you need a push, and that's what I'm going to be for you."

"What if it's awful? What if he judges me or tells me I deserve to suffer?"

"He won't," I said firmly. "Tyler is an excellent therapist, and I can assure you he would never judge or condemn you. But if it makes you feel better, if he does do that, I'll remove all of his toes."

Blaise's lips twitched, some of the seriousness ebbing away. "His toes? That's awfully specific."

I grinned, relieved to see a glimmer of my boy beneath the pain. "They take a surprisingly long time to grow back. Have you tried to stand or walk without toes? It's very difficult. Word to the wise, if you wanna really make a supe suffer, always go for the toes. It's painful and you get to watch them repeatedly fall on their face. It's quite amusing."

He smiled. It wasn't a huge one, but it was a smile. "I think you might have a sadistic streak, you know."

"Maybe just a little one." I reached around and spanked him lightly on the rear. "I might give you a glimpse of it one day. If you're good."

Blaise's eyes darkened. "I can be very good."

"Great. Show me that by going to see Dr. Tyler."

He groaned. "I walked right into that one."

I resisted the urge to kiss his lips, instead settling for dropping one on his collarbone. "You did. But I promise, I'll make it worth your while."

"Come on," I said as he grumbled under his breath. "Let's see if you can get some more sleep."

Blaise froze, his eyes darting to the bedroom, then back to me. "I don't want to."

I'd purposefully not slept with him since that first night, determined to try and keep some distance between us. But I'd risk possible heartache further down the line if it meant giving Blaise a slice of happiness right now. "How about if I snuggle up with you?"

Relief washed over his face, the small smile tugging at his lips once more. "That sounds great."