30. Chapter 30

I've been walking through my day in a bit of a haze. I felt a little low waking up this morning for no reason I could discern, so I told Teddy. He rubbed lotion over my ass, held me, made me breakfast, picked out my clothes, showered with me, dressed me, and held me some more.

It felt nice, if maybe a bit over the top. But I wasn't about to complain, and the process seemed to help Teddy feel better about me leaving for work. He's texted about twenty times over the morning, including the most recent string.

Teddy: Okay, doll? You have lunch, right?

Teddy: Let me know if you want me to bring you anything. Happy to stop by.

Teddy: You're gorgeous. Not sure if I told you that yet this morning.

He has. Several times.

I chuckle as I text him back.

Me: I'm fed and doing fine. You're gorgeous, too.

Teddy: Love you, sweetheart.

Ah, shit. And now I'm crying. Fucking hell.

Me: Love you, too.

"Hey, Kipp. Everything all right?" Carly asks, a worried look on her face as she stands in my doorway.

I wave my hand quickly. "I'm actually fine, despite the tears. Sorry. You need something?"

She gives me a gentle smile. "Just a reminder, actually. You haven't filed the paperwork to adjust for your plus one status. HR needs that for taxes and such."

"Oh, right," I say, having completely forgotten about that. But now that Teddy and I are staying married, I do need to fill in that paperwork. My stomach flips over, a burst of giddy energy making me laugh. I add a mental note to change my last name officially, too. To truly become a Lavoie. "Yeah. I'll get right on that."

Carly grins at me, probably wondering why I'm giggling like an idiot. "He seems like a total sweetie, by the way. You should have him stop by again. We barely got a chance to chat the last time he was here."

Right. When he rode in on his white-horsed chivalry to bring me home because I was as sick as a dog. Such a gentleman.

"I'll do that," I tell my boss. "Thanks, Carly."

"You bet."

Carly gives my door a tap before walking off, and I relax into my chair, feeling a welcome twinge in and on my ass. The reminder of Teddy's palm on my skin has me tearing up again. Not in a sad way. Just because I miss it. I miss him.

I wipe my cheek. Stupid hormones.

Midafternoon, I take a break and head outside to call Niko, excited to give him the good news about Teddy and me. If he's filming, it'll go to voicemail. But he answers on the second ring.

"Hey, Kipp. What's up?"

I promptly burst into tears.

"Shit, are you okay?" he asks.

"Fine. Fuck. All day. I'm a mess."

"What's going on? Where are you?"

"Work," I explain, taking a seat gingerly on a patio seat out behind the building. Traffic is quieter back here, and there's no one to overhear my conversation. "Honestly, I'm fine. I just, uh… Teddy spanked me into heaven last night, and I've been a little off ever since. It's fine. He's been looking after me. Apparently it's a thing that can happen? I'm new to this sub stuff. But hey, good news! Teddy and I are in love now, and we're going to stay married, and I'm pretty sure I want to propose again, but like the proper way? What do you think?"

"That…" he says slowly, "was a lot of information to take in at once. Okay, you guys talked?"

"We did," I say on an exhale. "We're good. Same page. All the feelings."

"Okay," he says with a chuckle. "That's good. And you're staying married?"

"I mean, yeah. Maybe it's fast for that sort of thing, but it doesn't make sense to get divorced when we'd probably end up right back here eventually. I love the man. I don't want to divorce him, not even for a few months."

"Well, awesome. If you get proper-married, can I be your best man?"

"Duh," I answer.

"Shit, Kipp. You found your guy."

"I know," I breathe. "And he's so fucking hot. Hell, Nik, have you seen him? Stupid question, I know you have. You guys have fucked, for Christ's sake. Which, again, hot. But we're not going to talk about it. Or the fact that I've watched it. Hey, the three of us have all had sex with each other. Isn't that kinda weird? The only ones who haven't fucked are me and Dixon."

"Kipp. Gonna stop you right there."

"Yep, lips are being sealed. Topic closed. Moving on."

He huffs, and I'm pretty sure he's shaking his head. At least, I assume he is. "The spanking?"

"Ohmygod," I say. "I'm such a spank slut now, you have no idea. The first time was like, whoa, is this good? And then, oh yes, this is very good. And now it's like, fucking spank me, Daddy—"

"Kipp!"

"Yep."

Niko sighs, but it sounds like laughter. "I'm really happy for you, brother. And I'm always here if you wanna talk. Have your folks been any more supportive? Or Vaughn?"

"No," I answer. "But I think I'm going to call. Try one more time."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I was thinking about how Teddy dropped everything to visit his grandparents when his papa got hurt. And, in a way, my family did that for me. They did come, even though that visit sucked. And… I don't know. Maybe that means something."

"Just be careful," Niko says.

"I will. I'm not afraid to stand up for myself anymore."

"That's really good, man. Those spankings must be toughening you up."

I snort. "Pure bliss, bro-friend. You don't even know."

"Don't you dare give Dixon any ideas," he says. "That man would be insufferable if I let him spank me."

"Yeah, no. Can you imagine?"

He chuckles. "You doing okay, though?"

"Yeah, truly, I'm good. Talk later?"

"You got it. See ya."

After hanging up with Niko, I stare at my phone for a long while before dialing my mom. She picks up on the fourth ring.

"Hello?"

Her tone is somewhat hesitant, and I can't blame her. I haven't been the first to call in years, and our last conversation wasn't the best.

"Hi, Mom. Do you have a minute?"

"Sure."

"I just… I wanted to apologize for how our last visit went. I know things between us have been strained for a long time, and there are topics we don't see eye-to-eye on. But you guys made the effort to come see me because, in your own way, I think you care. And I appreciate that."

"Thank you, Kipling," she says quietly.

I blow out a slow breath. "That being said, I like who I am. I like my life and am proud of my sexuality, and I'm married to a man. Those are simple facts. And if you guys can't support that, there shouldn't be more visits. It hurts, more than I can properly convey, to hear you tell me I'm wrong as a person. That you believe I'm going to hell. I'm open to talking, to maybe even getting together, but not if you can't find it in your heart to accept me for who I am. That's a deal-breaker for me."

I can hear my mom breathing over the line, the both of us quiet in the aftermath of my short speech. Finally, she says, "Your father won't accept it, Kipling."

"No, I don't expect he will. And you?"

Another pause before she says, "I don't know."

"Fair enough," I answer, my eyes stinging. It's not that I expected otherwise, I'd just…hoped.

"I'll talk to your father and Vaughn," she says. "But if you don't hear from me…"

She doesn't finish her sentence, but it's clear enough. If I don't hear from them, then that's it. It hurts more than I want to admit, the finality of that statement. This is my mom. The woman who raised me. The woman who loved me in her own way, and I loved her in mine.

But I deserve better than the treatment they've given me. I know I do. Words can hurt just as much as fists.

I want to believe everything will work out in the end. That she, if not my father and brother, will open her heart and her mind enough to see that there's no shame in loving a person of the same gender. There's no sin in it.

But I know things don't always work out that way. And there's a chance this is it. That this is goodbye.

The right decisions aren't always the easy ones, are they?

"I wish you well, Mom," I finally say.

"You, too, Kipling."

And then she's gone. Just like that.

Fuck.

With a deep breath, I head back inside and finish the rest of my workday in the same sort of haze I started it in. A little teary-eyed. A lot floaty in the wrong sort of way. It's not until I'm packing up my things that a text comes through from my brother.

Vaughn: Seriously, asswipe? You're trying to cut us off? We're the only family you've got. You're stuck with us.

I sit back down as I type out a response, not leaving any words unsaid this time.

Me: No, I'm not stuck with you. You're a bully, Vaughn. You're mean to me because it makes you feel good. You don't have to agree with my life, but if you can't speak to me with the respect you would show any human being, then I'm going to block your number. I deserve to be treated with decency. And if that's not something you can offer, then no, I don't need you. I have other family.

My heart races as I wait for a response, but one doesn't come. I take that as a good sign, sticking my phone in my pocket with shaking hands.

Shit. This day.

The trip home passes in a blur. I drive the speed limit. Stop when it's appropriate. Park my car. Pass the doorman and say hello. Ride the elevator up to the third floor. Open the door.

Teddy looks up from the couch when I step into the apartment, his smile slipping. "Kipp?"

I don't stop. I walk right over to him, dropping my bag on the way, kicking off my shoes. I climb onto his lap as if I'm not a nearly thirty-year-old man who's too old for such things. I sink down onto Teddy's warm thighs, nestle my face in the crook of his neck where his spicy vanilla scent surrounds me like a cocoon, and I let myself be vulnerable.

"Daddy."

His arms come around me instantly, warm and safe, his hands protecting me from the world at my back. "Yeah, babydoll," he breathes. "What do you need?"

"Hold me."

"Anytime you want," he says, hands smoothing across my back. He rubs circles over my shirt, kisses my temple, murmurs sweet words into my ear. He's there for me, the way so few people in my life have been.

It's easy to convince yourself you shouldn't be sad about certain things. Because other people have it worse. They get kicked out of their homes for coming out of the closet. They work jobs they hate and barely make rent. Maybe they have an abusive partner. Maybe they're living with chronic pain. There's always worse, and I haven't had a bad life. Not by a long shot. I'd even say I've enjoyed myself maybe more than most.

But that doesn't mean I haven't been lonely. It doesn't mean I haven't been sad at times because of that empty space in my chest reminding me of what I was missing.

Teddy saw me trying to fill that void with another night of bad decisions and too much alcohol. He stepped in, and maybe it led to us getting hitched without either of us remembering. But I refuse to count that among one of my bad decisions. It was quite possibly the best.

"Teddy," I say quietly.

He hums. "What is it, sweetheart?"

"Would you re-marry me?"

He stills, but I rush on.

"Maybe it's too early to be asking, but I don't care. You already told me you don't want a divorce, and no take-backsies," I say quickly. I ease out a breath before going on. "I just… I want you to know I don't regret it. I'd do it again. I want to do it again. The right way. I want that."

When Teddy doesn't say anything, I lift my head. His gaze is unbearably warm as it meets mine, his expression making it clear exactly what his answer will be.

"Yeah, Kipp," he says softly. "I'll marry you again."

"Really?" I ask, my tension unspooling.

"Believe it or not, I've always been yours," he says softly.

Damn it. There go my eyes again, leaking like a faucet. "Then why did you ignore me?" I ask, the words coming out before I can stop them. "In the beginning, why'd you stay away?"

Teddy swears, and I almost regret asking. My emotions and insecurities are getting the better of me today, and maybe I shouldn't have brought it up.

But then Teddy's hands are in my hair, tugging gently, and all of that fear dissipates, just floats away under the reassurance of his touch.

"I was never ignoring you, Kipp," he says, voice cracking. "I was all too aware of you, and that scared me."

"Because of Antoni."

"In a way," he answers, his fingers massaging my scalp. My eyes slip closed. "It was hard to trust after everything that happened, and I knew you were someone I could fall for. I was scared to. Not that it stopped me in the end."

"But I'm just a doll, Teddy. Are you sure you don't want a real boy?"

The both of us freeze as my words settle. Teddy's lips twitch.

"Oh my God," I groan, dropping my forehead to his shoulder and snorting a laugh. "I'm living my very own kinky fairytale."

Teddy chuckles with me, hands rubbing my back again. "Kipp," he says seriously.

"Yeah?"

"I'm not scared anymore, okay? You're exactly what I want. And I know you won't hurt me. I won't hurt you either. You're safe with me."

And that, I believe wholeheartedly. So I lift my head, and I kiss my husband. And when we go to bed at night, limbs tangled, I fall asleep knowing my family just got a little bit bigger.