23. Chapter 23

Kipp sleeps well through the night. No dinner. No late-night TV with cuddles on the couch. He passes out before his cock has finished throbbing in my hand, and I clean him up, clean myself up, and then wrap him in my arms until morning.

I wake early, before the sun has risen.

As I flip pancakes and bacon, I contemplate my options. I could tell him this has gone far beyond casual for me. I could admit I have feelings and see if he feels the same. I could even suggest we stay married indefinitely because what's the harm? It's worked pretty well for us thus far.

But I'm scared. That's the honest truth. I've been doing my best to convince myself I could walk away when the time comes. That, when Kipp shows up and tells me he's ready for a divorce, I'll sign the papers, shake his hand, and we'll go back to being casual acquaintances or maybe friends or who-the-fuck-knows-what.

But how can I do that? How can I possibly let this man go?

What if he wants me to?

When I hear footsteps padding down the hall, I lower the burner and round the island. Kipp comes into view, looking like an utterly rumpled and perfectly gorgeous mess. He sees me and smiles.

"Hey," he says quietly.

"Hey," I reply, helping him onto a chair. He's wearing sweats but nothing else.

He chuckles a little. "I'm perfectly capable of seating myself."

I don't tell him it's me who needs the reassurance that he's okay.

"Hungry?" I ask.

He nods, yawning at the same time. "Fucking famished. Is it seriously morning? You fucked me into oblivion."

I can't quite help the twitch of my lips. I finish plating his bacon before answering. "You did tell me to fuck you so hard you passed out."

He snorts. "That I did."

"And?" I ask, a little nervous to hear his answer. Nervous to know whether or not he remembers the words I let slip free.

He plants his elbows on the counter, cheeks in his hands. "Mission accomplished," he says with a huff of pleased laughter.

I smile, trying to catch more from his gaze, but he just blinks sleepily and yawns again.

"Still tired?" I ask.

He shakes his head, like he's trying to knock some thoughts loose. "I mean, I shouldn't be. But damn, I'm exhausted."

"Here," I say, sliding some food his way. "This'll help."

"Thanks," he says, giving me a grateful smile.

He digs in while I grab another plate and take a seat next to him. We're quiet for a minute.

"Did you come?" he asks suddenly, turning to me. "I can't remember, and I just really need to know."

I huff a laugh. "I came."

"Okay, good."

"If you're wondering, it was seconds after you, and I pulled right out after," I tell him. "I didn't fuck you while you were unconscious."

His brow furrows, a strange look crossing his face. "I mean, I wasn't worried about that. Even if you had, I wouldn't have minded. I actually… I mean, I wouldn't mind that."

I freeze, everything in me flushing hot. "You want me to fuck you while you're sleeping?"

He shrugs. "I mean, it wouldn't be the worst way to wake up. If you wanted to try that sometime, I'm on board."

I set my silverware down and scrub my hands over my face.

"What?" Kipp asks, tone worried.

I shake my head. "Nothing. It's just… That involves a level of consensual non-consent we haven't talked about. And you'd really trust me to do that?"

"Why not?" he says, like it's that simple to him. "It sounds hot, and of course I trust you, Teddy. If I wasn't into it, you'd know, and you'd stop. I already told you that you have blanket permission to touch me whenever you want."

I pull in a centering breath.

"Is the idea upsetting to you?" Kipp asks.

I meet his gaze. "No," I say, voice hoarse. "It's just…" You're fucking perfect and mine, and don't you see that? You were made for me, and I won't ever abuse your trust? If you want me to fuck you awake, I'll make it so good, you won't ever come without my name on your lips again? "It's just… I don't think you know how rare you are, Kipp. Thank you for having that sort of trust in me."

His huff of laughter is small and light, his cheeks turning a beautiful rosy pink. "You wouldn't hurt me, Teddy."

No, I wouldn't. Not ever.

"We can discuss that sometime," I agree. "But just to be clear, I have no interest in the sort of consensual non-con that would involve you struggling or telling me no and me ignoring it. I don't ever want to feel like I'm harming you, even with a safeword in place."

The smile Kipp gives me is so sweet my heart hammers anew. "That's good, Teddy, because I don't want that, either. You told me you want to make me feel good, remember? I certainly do. You'd never force me, and I don't want to play at that either. I like what we have. I like…" He clears his throat, that color on his cheeks not yet fading. "I like being your doll. I like the way you make me feel safe. And I want you to feel safe with me, too. I won't ever ask you to do something you're uncomfortable with, okay?"

"Yeah," I say roughly.

"So we're agreed," he says, going back to his pancakes. "No means no. Stop means stop. And that goes both ways." He hums around his bite of food, holding up a finger. "Plus bananas. That's a big freaking nuh-uh. 'Cause seriously, fuck those fuckers."

I snort. "Any other food aversions I should be aware of?"

Kipp turns to me slowly, expression dead serious when he says, "Shrimp."

I do my best not to laugh. "Right. Can't forget the shrimp."

"Never again," he mutters, snapping off a piece of bacon in his mouth. "Hey, I didn't miss the show, did I?"

"The show?"

He waves toward my workout equipment. "The show. You know, the erotic performance art you do each morning."

"You mean exercising?" I ask with a grin.

"Call it what you will," he replies. "But it's fucking erotic, you can't deny that. Did I miss it?"

"No," I assure him, finishing my bacon. "You didn't miss it."

"Thank fuck," he breathes. "Okay, you do that, I'll watch to make sure you don't miss any steps, and then maybe a run? And after that… I don't know. What do you want to do today?"

My smile grows wider, Kipp's assumption that we'll spend our Saturday together warming me through. "Anything, Kipp."

Anything if it's with you.

"Theodore."

I sigh.

I should've known I couldn't outrun this forever. I've been lucky to escape his wrath up until this point. Yet with one word, I know I'm not getting out of it this time. The firing squad awaits, ammo loaded.

Time to face my fate.

Alex clears his throat. Loudly. "Theodore."

"Hey, Alex."

He plunks down onto the bench beside me. I'm already dressed and showered, my scene having finished a while ago. It looks like Alex is just getting here. The locker room is empty except for us.

"You know why I'm here," he says, tone serious.

"I do."

"Before you tell me what I want to know, I'm going to tell you something."

Oh boy.

"We've worked together for years," he says.

"Yes," I agree.

"And while I push sometimes, I know when to back off."

"Okay," I say slowly.

"I'm not backing off this time," he says, hazel eyes bright. "And do you know why?"

I'm afraid to ask.

"Teddy Bear, you're always looking after others. You're like a quiet sentinel, watching, checking in, making sure we're all okay. You do that caretaker thing of yours, but you never let anyone look after you."

"I—"

"It's true," Alex barrels on. "And don't try to tell me otherwise. You're like one-way glass. You keep a wall up to protect yourself, and I get it. We all have secrets. But damn it, Teddy, we're here for you. Every single person inside this building wants what's best for you. It's okay to let us in. We're not going to fuck you over like whoever it was that broke your heart."

Silence falls for an extended beat, my hammering pulse the only sound I hear.

"It was a boyfriend," I admit. "And my brother."

Because they both broke my heart. For different reasons, yes, but equally painful in the end. And Alex is right. I haven't shared with these people, haven't wanted to let myself be vulnerable to anyone again. But it's too late for that, isn't it? I'm already cracking apart, those tender insides exposed to the air. I let Kipp seep his way in, and now, I'm not sure how to go about shoring myself back up.

I'm not even sure I want to.

"Oh, boo," Alex says softly, rubbing my back. "I'm so sorry."

"I got into porn because I didn't want to risk my feelings again," I tell him, the words spilling free. "I used to be a lawyer. Still am, technically."

"I heard that."

"I'm from Quebec," I go on. "I have dual citizenship."

"That's—"

"And I'm pretty sure I'm head over heels in love with Kipp."

Alex stills. "Teddy."

"I'm terrified," I tell him, meeting his gaze. "Scared shitless. I fucking love him, and I'm pretty sure I have since before we got married."

It was love from afar, maybe, but I knew the potential was there. I knew it. It was all the little things. Like how Kipp's smile made me feel soft, even if it wasn't aimed at me. How, every time he'd dance with someone else, I'd watch him, seeing the cues he left that his partners never picked up. The fact that he was frantically searching for someone to take over. To just take over already and let him relax for once. It was how I knew I could be that man. I knew I could make him happy if only he'd let me.

I just wouldn't let myself.

Until the night when everything changed.

And now… Now I've seen that smile aimed at me. I've tasted his lips, his tears, his cock. I've held him and shared his bed and heard his laugh every single day. I know how utterly right it feels to be the one to take care of him. And I don't think I can give that up. If Kipp left, I think he would take that piece of me with him. Strip it right from my bones. I want to be his husband. For real. For better or for worse and in all the ways that count.

I want to be his.

"Teddy Bear," Alex says softly, reaching up to cup my cheek. "That man is gaga over you. You don't have to be scared of him."

"I'm worried I don't think rationally when it comes to him."

Alex's smile goes a little crooked. "Honey. That's love."

I huff a laugh, and Alex's hand drops. "What if I'm only seeing what I want?" I ask. "What if I'm imagining what we are?"

"Well, you see… There's this thing called talking."

"Smartass," I grumble.

Alex gives me a wink.

"We talk about a lot," I tell him. "We talk about wants and safewords and limits."

"Oof," Alex says, fanning his face. "To be a fly on the wall."

"But we haven't talked about us," I admit. Not since I laid the ground rules the first time I got him off. When I implied we were temporary. That once we got divorced, our game would be done. I cringe. "Shit."

"And there it is, folks," Alex says, standing up and holding his arms wide. He spins in a circle, as if calling to the nonexistent crowd, and then he takes a bow. "My job here is done."

"You are such a little shit."

Alex cackles.

"I need to talk to him," I say.

"Yes," Alex answers, patting my head. "You do." He jumps back when I take a swipe at him. "Let me know how it goes."

As Alex skips off, I blow out a breath, resting my elbows on my knees.

Shit. How the hell do I tell my husband I want to date?