26. Sadie

My aunt's back porch is on my list of my favorite places in the word, besides my own nest and our pack house. I've been missing her and our porch talks, so I borrowed Hunter's truck—since he rode his bike to work—and drove over this afternoon for a visit.

I helped my aunt's pack in their nursery, then sat with her and caught her up on what's been happening the last few months. She listened, and we both cried. Again. I figure eventually the tears will run out, but it doesn't seem to have happened yet. Aunt Bethany told me she thinks I'm smart to rely on my guys, that I look happiest when I'm home with them.

She left me with a lot to think about, but I'm hesitant to leave the porch swing.I look out into the sprawling fields of their property and try to sort through this tangled web of emotions, feeling as though I've finally made progress in working the knots loose.

A commotion inside causes me to stop swinging. I can't help but grin when my cousin Lizzy bursts through the back door.

"She lives!" Lizzy squeals. She's a ball of energy, the messy bun on her head bouncing along with her.

I hop off the swing and go into her open arms, breathing in her lavender and lemon scent. She smells sweeter than usual, and I pull back to look at her. She's a natural beauty, barely ever wearing makeup. Today she's got on bright yellow overalls and a busy headband in her hair. But it's more than her usual sunshine. She's practically illuminated from within. She looks incandescently happy.

Her eyes sparkle and she squeals again, opening her mouth and rushing to tell me everything in one go. "I'm pregnant! We think it's a girl this time with the sweetness in my scent. I swear I can eat my weight in donuts right now. But I was waiting to tell you, with everything going on, and then you were sick, and I didn't want to say anything until you were feeling better. And?—"

Laughing at how she rambles when she's nervous, I cut in. "Congratulations! I know that's something you wanted. I'm so happy for you guys."

I hug her again, giddy with her news. I've missed her since I've been spending so much time away. Then I was exhausted and couldn't stand to be around anyone but my pack. It's been too long without her friendship.

"Tell me everything."

We sit back down on the swing, and she updates me on her pack, explaining that they decided to try for baby number two with her last heat. She's hilarious, talking fast and loose and sharing more about her sex life than I probably wanted to know. "Obviously, it worked. I'm due this winter. So it's early days. But enough about me. I'm dying to know what's been happening. The text updates were low-key not enough."

I sigh and tilt my head toward the backyard. "Wanna walk with me?"

She's up and bounding down the stairs. The family dog, Shadow, comes loping over to greet her, barking like mad then following along by her side. I catch up, the two of us walking down the slope of the backyard and toward the trails that lead through the fields of flowers and herbs.

I take my time, choosing my words carefully. "I'm feeling better now that I'm home. Things were bad for a while, and I didn't do anything but sleep for what feels like a month. I let myself get too run down and disconnected from my pack. I was trying to handle it on my own, but I kinda sucked at it."

Shadow hears something and bounds off.

Lizzy watches him, her face thoughtful. Her steps slow as we near a lavender field. "But you're better? Now that you're home and you've nested again? What does that mean for all the stuff going on?"

I look at this beautiful place and shrug. "I don't know. I've officially stepped back, but I feel like shit about it."

"Why? Is it something you want? To help run LanCo?" she asks, turning to walk between rows of lush-smelling lavender.

I follow her, thinking before I answer. "Not really. I never wanted that life. I ran and didn't intend to look back. But I'm a Lancaster, and I feel responsible for what my family did, how much destruction they caused. They hurt so many people, and my pack has had to deal with all of it. They've been through so much because of me?—"

Lizzy turns on me and puts her hand on her hip. "Yeah, well, you've been through a lot too. You only get to be responsible for the choices you make. That's all any of us can do."

"I know that," I say on a harsh breath.

She lifts her brow, titling that blond head of hers and making her bun bounce. She reminds me of a puppy, always eager to play or bark. I adore her, even when she's about to call me on my shit. "Do you?"

"In theory." I look away from her, my next words quieter. "My heart is a different matter."

"Yeah, I feel that." She tugs my hand into the crook of her elbow, picking back up our path through the field. "I get that it can be hard to let go. But packs take care of each other, and you deserve that too."

"I know that. It's sometimes not easy to remember it, but I've been doing better with it. Elliot and I are working on it."

"Good." Lizzy puts her head on my shoulder as we walk. "Also, for the record, all of this sucks so hard. I get why you feel bad about what your parents did and the impact it had on everyone. It's heartbreaking. I'm sorry you've been going through so much shit."

She leads us on some secret trail until we spill out at an old barn with a rusted truck sitting out front. She hops up on the tailgate and dangles her feet.

"I think I told you once that I had a brother?"

I join her on the tailgate, folding my legs to sit criss-crossed. She mentioned him once, but no one speaks of him. I've seen a single picture of him in my aunt's house. It's an old one of Lizzy with a boy who looks a lot like her, his arm around her shoulder. It reminds me of the single picture I've kept of my father—the one my aunt sent me in a birthday card, the two of them looking eerily similar. It brought me here, that picture.

"Where is he?" I ask, fearing I know the answer.

"Banished." She makes a slashing-motion against her throat in this off-handed way. "Our family has issues."

"What?" I splutter. That is not what I thought she was going to say.

She turns serious, looking at the fields to our right, lost in her memories. "My pack was my brother's pack, growing up. But I knew that my guys were also mine. I kept it a secret for a long time, and when I came forward, nobody really believed me. Well, Sofia did, but she's Mateo's sister, and it was all a big mess really. I got sick, like you did this spring. Only I kept that secret too. I was pissed, rightfully so, and hurt after being rejected. Suddenly, when my perfume came in, it was like I was validated. I was their match. But by then, I was so hurt and angry, sicker than I ever admitted…" Her voice wavers. "What I needed was my pack, but I didn't want them. I wasn't ready to forgive. It's a whole long story, but in the end, he tried to keep me from my pack by kidnapping me, and he was banished. I cut my brother out of my life and my parents did too. Even after they did it, my relationship with my parents was rocky for a while. It took my family a long time to heal from that. It took me a lot of tears before I could figure out a way to move past everything that happened."

"My gods! That's awful. How come you've never said anything?" I look at her curiously. I knew she'd recognized her pack young, but I wouldn't have guessed any of that. She's always so easygoing. It's surprising, I guess, what people can come back from.

She shrugs, then turns her blue eyes on me. In them, I see the quiet strength behind her bubbly personality. "Because I don't want to spend my life as a rejected mate or as a sad story. And that wasn't how I wanted you to know me. But it's relevant now."

I swallow, my throat thick. I can see what she means. My pack treated me like a normal person when we met, instead of the Sadie Lancaster, and so did she. They made me feel seen for the first time in my life.

She leans her head on my shoulder. "Sadie, you don't owe your father anything. Not your mother. Not the crowds. It's brave what you've already done. It's more than most. And I respect how even after your father was arrested, you stayed to help ensure the foundation was put in place to help people. After, when your mother was arrested, you handled it so fearlessly. The truth is it's all shitty and traumatizing as hell."

"Yeah," I whisper. "It's like I hate them, but they were my parents. And I feel like they left me with this huge mess. Everyone is expecting me to have answers and I just don't."

"Because they're not your problems to solve. What they did to you and everyone else sucks. But it's on them. I've watched some of the coverage. The way people hound you; I don't know how you did it for so long. If you ask me, I think you should build the life you want without thinking about anyone but yourself and your mates."

"My pack's been helping me see that," I admit.

"Good, because your parents aren't worth sacrificing your life for," she says passionately."Be a petty-ass bitch and live for yourself if only so you don't let them win."

A laugh bubbles out of me.

She huffs. "I'll get off my soapbox now." She bumps my shoulder. "Sofia said she saw you at the library at an awards reception."

"Yup." I hop down from the truck and hold my hand out to steady her as she jumps down.

She rolls her eyes at me. "I'm pregnant, not eighty."

"Sorry," I laugh.

The sun is starting to set, and we'll be eaten by the mosquitoes out here if we stay much longer, so I tug my miffed cousin along with me. "Sofia told me about a photography class they host in the summer. I'm thinking I'm going to sign up. I took classes at the academy, and I miss it."

Lizzy walks quietly beside me, her hand skirting along the edge of a bush. "Like you want it for a job, or you want it to meet people in town?"

"Both, I guess. I would like to work. Maybe part time, just so I'm getting out of the house. I want something that's mine. And maybe something that isn't about being a Lancaster." I think about the bucket list my pack asked me about, and the kind of life I want. I didn't leave the city only to spend my life hiding. I want to live it.

Lizzy practically vibrates beside me. "I have an idea!"

"Should I be worried?" I tease.

"What do you think about shooting real estate photos? Like for listings? We used to use a contractor in the area, but he moved with his pack last month and we haven't found a replacement. The agents have been taking horrible ones on their phones," she explains, her voice full of excitement.

My chest fills with equal parts panic and hope. I've never done photos like those or had a job. But I did take classes on lighting and landscapes. And I could research more about it. "Could I do a test shoot to see if you all like them?"

Lizzy grins, bouncing. "Yes! Let me talk to the owner tomorrow. This is going to be awesome!"

She skips along, chattering about the possibility all the way back to her parents' house. Her excitement wins out over my panic, and I get caught up in it with her.

Back at the farmhouse, I spend time with Lizzy's pack and my family, but eventually my eagerness to be home wins out. The whole drive, I feel my mates' curiosity in the bonds, so it's no surprise when I find all of them lined up on the porch, waiting for me.

Hunter greets me at the passenger door. "What is it, baby girl?" he says in that deep voice, thick with his accent.

It makes my belly swoop when he calls me that. I jump from the car and into his waiting arms.

He lets out a pleased laugh, his chest vibrating as he twirls me around in a hug. "Whatever it is, it's sure got you excited."

My pack surrounds me, everyone greeting me with hellos and kisses, squeezing me into the center of a group hug.

"I'm applying for a job in town, doing photography," I squeal.

And because these wonderful men are mine, they don't ask the hard questions first. Instead, they cheer right along with me, sharing in my joy.