13. Sadie

Wind whips across the porch, and I pull Logan's sweater tighter around me, taking comfort in his warm cashmere scent. The moon's rays illuminate the garden, making Graham's flowers glow in an unearthly pale light. My feet squish in the mud as I follow the pathway that curves through our backyard.

I find the proud oak tree in the back and sit on the old wooden swing. Idly, I drag my feet back and forth across a patch of grass, hugging the rope and staring into nothing.

It's late. Or early, I guess, and my pack is asleep in our nest. But I'm restless. I shot straight up out of bed, adrenaline pumping in my veins. I remember waking earlier this morning too, but I must have fallen right back asleep.

For days, I've had this strange new ache andsense of loss. Suddenly it's gone. I couldn't place the ache, but I felt off. Not worse. I'm better than I have been in a while. Here at home, I finally feel as though I can breathe, as though my skin isn't constantly crawling. I know I have a lot to work through, but after almost two weeks of rest, I feel as though I have the capacity to start unraveling the emotional tangle I've found myself in.

I can admit that Hunter was right. Healing can't happen if I return to the city and my rigorous schedule. I need to step back for good, and I feel like a coward, taking the easy way out of my problems. As I swing, I mull over Hunter's words from when he took me out to the river, trying to reason out my part in all this.

No answers come.

Instead, my mind wanders to my pack and how they've made me feel loved and supported since all this started. I can see each of my mates and clearly remember how they've helped me feel a little more whole.

My mind gets tripped up on the memory of Elliot returning home from his run last night, and the stench of his sadness. He's the most hesitant of my mates, so tender-hearted and unsure of his place within our pack.

Guilt sits heavily in my stomach, and my heart aches for my alpha. He saved me from my father. He's been protecting me and going into the city when I know he hates it. My poor Bear has got to be struggling too.

I've been doing a lousy job of caring for myself and him. And last night, something was troubling him. Something more. I think back, wondering what I've missed. It could be anything. All I do is sleep.

My feet skid in the grass and the rope loops too tightly around my fingers as I jerk to a stop. The pieces fall into place, one after another. My heart plummets past my stomach and bottoms out at my feet.

Bear.

I'm frozen, struck by the awful realization that what woke me wasn't something missing but someone found. Elliot has been hiding himself from me, and I'm only now noticing. I rub my chest, searching frantically for his bond until I latch onto his strand inside me and untangle it from the others.

It's there, but it's not the same. Up close, he's all fog and smoke, a swirling mist that seems to flutter away each time I try to hold on. There is no light, only burning self-doubt and searing pain.

Tears come swiftly. They're angry tears, full of violent sadness.

I take it out on the swing, cinching the rope tighter and tighter in a circle until it creaks. I hold the swing there, digging my nails into the rope until I want to scream.

I hate my father for all the pain he's caused. My mother too. I hate them both for making me return to the life I'd left behind, and for what it's done to my mates. They've injected their poison here, and it's spreading. Most of all, I'm pissed at myself for not seeing it.I let go, and the knotted swing rope loosens. It spins me round and round until I'm dizzy.

When I stop, Graham's blurry form reaches out a hand. He doesn't say anything, and I'm too numb to comment.

He pulls me up, wraps me in one of my nest blankets, then walks me through the garden to the lounger on the other side. I crawl up and lie down, staring at the small patch of stars that peek through the canopy of the trees.

Graham lies down beside me, and I whisper into the darkness, "I didn't notice, Graham. Elliot closed off the bond… and I didn't notice." More angry, hot tears spill down my cheeks.

"It's not your fault," he says, so soft and sure that it sounds like a dangerous lie.

I turn and glare at him. "What kind of omega doesn't notice her mate bond has gone missing?"

He curls on his side, face inches from mine. His hand brushes back a piece of my hair, and I meet his brown eyes."The kind who is lost herself."

The truth of his words feels like flaming darts, and I close my eyes to brace against the onslaught as they land. It's not as if I didn't know I was lost, but to hear it laid out like that smarts. He runs his thumb back and forth along my cheek, his purr humming. Long minutes pass before he speaks again.

"Sadie, you've had a season of hard shit. And you're exhausted. You can't be expected to care for anyone but yourself right now. We don't always have to be at our best. Packs work because we can rely on one another. I promise we've been watching out for you and Elliot."

His words are meant to soothe, but they chafe.

"It's not enough. He's hurting, and he didn't feel like he could come to me," I say, irritated that part of what Graham is saying is right. I've been so overrun by my shit that I couldn't see Elliot's. He's mine to care for, but I've been unable to do that lately.

"Darlin', you can only do so much. I know he's hurting, and it kills me. I'm not saying that doesn't suck. I can understand feeling hurt and mixed up about Elliot. Talk to him about it when you're ready, but in the meantime, we're doing our best to take care of him too."

I bury my head in his chest and think about what he said. I'm drained. But I can't stand the idea of my Bear being drained too. I want to fix it but don't know how to do that for either of us.

"Can I tell you the story of how I became pack? I think it will help," he asks, his deep voice tinged with tension.

I nod but don't speak, unsure if I have it in me to find words.

"Before I met Doc, my life was superficial as fuck. Parties. Drinking too much. Meaningless sex."

My stomach cramps at the idea of anyone but my pack touching my mate, and I let out a growl.

Graham's eyes close, and he looks embarrassed. He blows out a breath. "Not a good look, I know. But you know the city. Everyone is concerned about money, last names, and who people know. I didn't have a pack, and I didn't care about anyone. I figured I would get to it when I was ready or find some arrangement that benefited our company. I was a dick.

"This one afternoon, I went out to grab a coffee. I was hungover as hell and had been having a shit day. The coffee shop was crazy busy. I was running late and barked at the barista when he mixed up our orders. But then my hand touched Doc's for only a moment while we exchanged drinks, and it was like I'd been struck by lightning. We got to talking, and I knew by the end of that conversation he was my pack. He was a little shy, absolutely adorable, and he smelled like lazy Sunday mornings in bed. I was drawn to him, and that confused me all to hell. Talk about a mindfuck."

"Sounds familiar," I say.

He smiles at me, stroking my face. "Yeah, it does. Like you did with Logan, I followed him home. When I got here, it was a culture shock. I'd never seen anything like this place or this pack. In my world, families didn't act like that. In the beginning, I was overwhelmed with it, soaking it all in. I'd never had a real home like I did here. So, it took me a minute to figure out that it wasn't only pack, but that I was drawn here because of my mates."

"Mates?" I suck in a breath. That's plural, which means?—

"Elliot is my mate too."

"But—"

"Are you gonna let me finish?" he asks, giving me a crooked smile.I huff, but his smile only grows bigger. He wipes under my eyes. "Back then, Elliot barely spoke a word except to Doc and sometimes Logan. He was struggling and closed off. I tried to get close to him and quickly realized I would have to go at his pace. After Tristian and I got together?—"

"Is Doc his mate too? Because sometimes I wonder?—"

He chuckles. "Yes, if you would let me explain, I was getting to that."

I close my mouth, my cheeks warm.

"So Doc and I talked about it and decided that what Elliot needed and what we wanted weren't the same, that it might only be possible to love him from afar. We didn't stop loving him or trying to break through his walls, but we never pushed. We spent years hoping that one day if we were patient, he would find a way to open himself up." He locks his gaze on mine, and his face transforms into a look of awe. "And then you came. That very first night with the pack, do you remember?"

"The dinner when Hunter left. How could I forget?" I tease, a little uncomfortable with the gratitude he sends my way.

"That night was the first time I'd ever seen anyone besides Doc touch him, and never like that. And he spoke so much at once, more than he usually said in a week, even if it was only a few sentences. He was open with you in a way I'd only ever dreamed he could be. It was something special. You're someone special."

I'm an omega. We're supposed to be special or have these abilities, but I don't feel I've earned the look Graham is giving me. Clearly, I'm not special. Look at what's happening with Elliot now.

He traces my nose and my lips. "I fell for you the first time I met you. Gods, you were so fucking beautiful that day, and you smelled so good. I couldn't wait until you were mine. I'd been waiting for you for a long time."

I roll my eyes, remembering how when I met him, it was after I had busted my ass. Again. "I was a mess. Still am."

"You can be a mess, but you're our beautiful mess. You brought hope back to our world that night at the pack dinner. You were the answer to so many sleepless nights. You're so loving, so easy to love. I knew here you could find a place to be yourself and that even if Doc and I never got through to Elliot, you would. I think I got the best sleep of my life the night of that dinner."

I groan. "I think that story made it worse, not better. I failed him, Graham. I'm not some special omega."

"You are special. Because you're you. You have this ability to disarm people by being authentic. You do it with everyone you meet one on one. You're kind and empathetic. You give the best snuggles. You have killer legs and a gorgeous smile. And you do this thing with your tongue on my?—"

"Okay, okay, Romeo." I laugh, bumping him. Even though he's laying it on thick, it makes my chest flutter.

"All I'm saying is that no matter how amazing you are, you can't always be perfect. You've been able to connect with Elliot, to draw him out of his shell more than you know. You don't see it because he's always been different with you. But he's going to take time. It's no one's fault what's happening with you or with him.

"The past has a way of creeping in sometimes, and we have to deal with it. Be patient. I promise you that Doc and I have your backs and that we'll help you take care of each other when you can't. Hunter and Logan too. That's what pack does."

I scoot closer into his arms, and his hand circles my waist, stroking my back. That's a lot to take in, and he lets me, holding me while I think through what he's said. Logan and Hunter have said the same about giving myself some slack. Maybe I can't give Elliot everything, but there's a good reason.

I know my men love me. I trust them. I don't always trust myself. But I believe Graham when he says he will help me ensure that we don't lose Elliot.

The thought of Graham and Tristian waiting for him all this time makes my heart clench and brings new tears to my eyes. It's the sweetest, most heartbreaking thing I've ever heard. How much do you have to love someone to be patient like that?

"He doesn't know, does he?" I whisper, almost afraid of the words. I place my hand on Graham's chest, soothing back and forth.

He looks down, and I meet his eyes. They're full of such longing and hope that the power of it wrecks me. "No, darlin". He's not ready to see. Maybe he can't, and I'll live with that too. But I have faith that one day he will."

"How? How can you stand it? My heart is breaking at the thought."

He kisses my forehead, and I snuggle into his chest, holding him as tightly as he clings to me.

"Because like you, Elliot is worth waiting for."