5. Chapter 5

ATLAS

Escaping into the shower stall doesn’t rid me of the absolute horror replaying in my head. Even the warm water cascading down my back, a shower I most definitely need for more reasons than just one, isn’t enough to take away the shame and embarrassment of running into Raphael. He’s always been so sweet and loving. There’s never been any indication that he would fire me but that’s just where my mind goes. I haven’t been dealt a lot of nice hands in this world except for Heather so Raphael is a welcome surprise.

I take a quick shower and grab the towel Raphael left for me. Ten minutes later, I’m creeping out of the bathroom dressed in a pair of black scrubs with my coffee-soaked clothes in a bag pressed to my chest. Raphael resting on the lounge isn’t surprising but I wish he hadn’t waited. People are going to start talking about favoritism and I can barely handle Gerald calling me lover boy.

Raphael stands and approaches me, his gaze walking over every inch of my body that he can see until heat blooms in the pit of my belly. “You going to be okay?” One of his hands moves to caress my left cheek and I lean into the touch, nodding. “I don’t believe that. Something is going on with you but I need to run. I just wanted to see you before I did. Tonight?” When I don’t say anything, Raphael presses a kiss to my forehead. “I don’t want to push you, Atlas but I can’t help if you don’t talk to me.”

The few whispers from my coworkers earlier remind me of how much I hate the disparaging differences between Raphael and me. I wish the world would just readily accept us but one look at my social status and they’ll just assume I’m here for his money. After all, with a snap of his fingers, Raphael could take away all of my troubles.

The thing is, I don’t want that.

I want to get there on my own, no matter what it takes.

I also don’t want Raphael to see that side of me.

He never had to struggle to get to his position. He says the money and clothes don’t matter but I’ve seen him throw money at a problem without thinking twice. Heather needed a machine repaired in the café? A new one appeared later that day. Tables looking a little rough around the edges? A new vibe in the café in the next week. Money solves things. For him.

For me? Too much of it cheapens my hard work. And I don’t know how to let Raphael know without angering him.

“I don’t need help,” I finally say, my words barely above a whisper. Can’t we just go back to the light touches and the care lingering in his eyes? “It’s just finals week and I-”

Raphael doesn’t wait for me to finish as he kisses the bridge of my nose and walks out the door. I blink several times, trying to understand what just happened. Raphael… just left me. That hurts worse than breaking up with me or forcing me to tell him whats going on in my head. If this is a sign of what I have to look forward to, I’ve got the message loud and clear. I frantically search for my phone to text him that I’m sorry when his message comes up first.

The dots wave on the screen for a little bit until a paragraph appears that breaks my heart.

You have become a light in my life, Atlas. Someone I look forward to in the mornings. But the way you curl into yourself? Those bags under your eyes? You won’t let me help you and I get wanting to do it all on your own. But how can I love you when you won’t trust me? How can we be together when every time the conversation deepens, you find a way to end it? Atlas, I want the next step. Whatever that may be with us but I can’t do that if you’re always running away. I apologize for leaving abruptly but I did not want to say something I would regret.

I frown. I’m not running away. But I am. I have been. I don’t want him to see the true Atlas, the one with the clunker of a car, and the one that has to sleep in a shelter because his life fell apart the moment his mother passed away. I want him to see the barista, the zoology major, the put-together college student who’s just a few classes away from graduation.

But that’s not fair to him or us.

I’m going to have to let him see me. Atlas.

That’s a problem for this afternoon, though, as I race downstairs and stuff my wet clothes into my backpack stashed in the corner. Heather raises a brow as I scramble to my station, glad I didn’t get coffee in my hair. Having to wash the curls would be a son-of-a-bitch and I don’t have the time nor the patience to deal with them.

“You were gone long,” Gerald muses, wiggling his eyebrows.

Tracey slaps his arm as she wipes off the counter. “Well, he was sopping wet with coffee. Thank god one of the janitors came to clean it up. I didn’t want to do it. You okay? You looked like you saw a ghost after you bumped into Daddy Pierce.”

I shrug. “Thought I was getting fired. He’s really nice, though. Showed me the showers in the lounge.”

“I bet he showed you!” Gerald shouts and I punch him in the arm when he gets close enough. He nearly drops the freshly washed espresso glasses and glares at me. “What the fuck was that for?”

“Cheapening me to quickies all the goddamn time. So what if there was something between us? Or if there isn’t? The fact that you constantly insinuate my crush with just jumping on his dick because I want something is vile. Some of us want an actual relationship, not just a sugar daddy to pay for our spoiled asses.”

Gerald places the glasses down and rubs his arm, tilting his head to the side. “You’re wound really tight today. Sorry about the comments. You never mentioned that they were bothering you. You good?”

“I wish everyone would stop asking me that,” I mumble and then sigh. “That was rude. I didn’t sleep last night and finals are this week.” Gerald pats me on the back and disappears to the kitchen as Tracey turns to face the counter. Tracey is in a few of my classes but she doesn’t seem to be having half as hard a time as I am.

I’m left alone with my thoughts and Heather staring at me from the other side of our workspace. Her arms are folded across her chest as she muses about my outburst before nodding her head toward the entrance.

I don’t want to follow her. I’m going to get another lecture about taking care of myself. However, she’s the only real voice of reason I have in this world so I do her bidding, grabbing my bag on the way out just in case this is the end of our work relationship.

“Yeah?” I ask as I push out of the double doors.

“You’re going to have to tell him, Atlas. No, don’t look at me like that. Raphael mentions you from time to time, wants to check up on you. I don’t give him much because it’s not my place but he needs to know. Regardless of what happens, building your relationship on a lie is only going to come back on you. Do you even remember the moments before Raphael?” Heather prods as she searches my expression.

I don’t want to remember those moments. The moments when I carried on like a zombie because my ex-boyfriend not only shattered my heart but then decided to pick up the pieces and incinerate them. The cheating, lies, and mental abuse broke me down until I was merely a shell of myself. I can’t do that again.

“I know I have to tell him, Heather. It’s just hard. He’s… Raphael Pierce! And I’m the kid who sleeps in his car or the shelter and can barely afford to eat. I bust out stupid animal facts when I get too nervous and he’s…-” I throw my hands up, gesturing to the entire building.

“And yet he chose you out of all the millions of people.”

I shake my head, trying not to believe June’s words from yesterday but they still bother me. “It’s just a revolving door. When I’m no longer exciting, he’ll just find someone else.” When he finds out how I live, he’ll walk away just like he did earlier.

“You take that back. This self-destructive behavior isn’t helping anyone, Atlas. You’re not allowed to break down until you talk to Raphael. You have no idea how he’s going to react until you do. And don’t assume anything. I’ve known him far longer than I’d like to admit and while he might not always make the right choices, he has a heart of gold. Don’t cheapen his choice, Atlas.” Heather runs her tongue along her upper teeth as she fishes around in her pocket and hands me a $20. “Eat because I know you haven’t. Refuse the money and I’ll let Raphael know that you’re skipping meals.”

I’ve never snatched money faster than I have just now.

“Talk to him, Atlas.”

I nod as I scamper toward the bus, not wanting to deal with my car and whether or not it might turn on today. Pulling out my phone, I send Raphael just two words. It might destroy everything but I need just one more day.

Tomorrow night.