Chapter 23

23

Clarke

I was a broken mess of a woman. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I barely recognized myself. My wet hair hung limply around my shoulders, and my face was too pale. And my eyes… they were haunted . Even when Tank had rescued me from that hell hole, I hadn't been this… broken.

I wasn't Tank and Beck's woman. I was a mere shell of the woman they loved. How could I be normal while knowing Tank sacrificed himself to save me and Beck? How was I even meant to fucking live with that?

He was gone . And it was my fault.

Guilt ate at my insides, tearing me to pieces with sharp teeth. Pain sliced through my blood vessels with sharp talons, slowly bleeding me out.

"Hey." I looked over at Adelaide, blinking slowly. She stepped further into the bathroom and grabbed the brush from the counter, running it through my dark strands, gently working the tangles out of my hair. "Life is real shit sometimes."

I swallowed thickly. "Yeah," I rasped. It really was. And knowing Tank was gone, more than likely never coming home, was the worst I'd ever felt. Being raped multiple times a day was easier to cope with than this.

I could gain back my bodily autonomy. I could heal from my trauma.

I couldn't bring Tank back home. Would I ever get to hold him again? Sleep squished between him and Beck? Would I ever get to see him smile at me or hear him call me ‘little one'?

My heart ached . God, it hurt so fucking much. Was I going to have a heart attack? That was what it felt like. Like my body wanted to fucking give out on me. Just give up and give in to the pain.

"Can I tell you something about River?" Adelaide asked. When I nodded, she informed me, "He's my husband. And if there's one thing I know about my husband, it's that when he says he's going to do something, he does it. He doesn't care what boundaries he crosses or what moral codes he has to break—even if those morals are his own." Her eyes met mine in the mirror. "He swore to all of us that he would bring Tank home. He has not had a wink of sleep since finding out Tank is missing."

Tears blurred my vision, and I closed my eyes, trying desperately to hold them back. I'd already cried so much. My eyes were sore and puffy, and I had a headache from dehydration.

"Chances of him surviving are—" I croaked, but she cut me off.

"I know," she said softly. "They're slim to none. That's what I said, too." She set the brush on the counter and began to braid my wet hair. "How much do you know of Tank's past?"

I frowned, meeting her gaze in the mirror again. What did his past have to do with any of this? "I know he was… he went through what I did for fifteen years." That fact still turned my stomach. How did a kid survive that kind of shit for fifteen years ? Tank didn't even seem the least bit traumatized. There were absolutely no signs.

Adelaide nodded. "He did. He belonged to the same family that took you. Despite what we know he has to be enduring right now, this works in our favor. It means they'll want him alive. He was the one who got away. The one that got free. And if they kept him personally for fifteen years, he was valuable to them." All of this was turning my stomach, making it slosh, but I was also clinging to her words with both hands, hoping she was right. That he would be alive. That they wouldn't kill him. "River is betting that he'll be alive when the club finds him."

My knees gave out, and I sank to the floor, hot tears streaking down my cheeks. Bringing my hands up to cover my face, I sobbed, curling in on myself. Adelaide sank to the floor beside me, wrapping me in her arms, my braid abandoned. This was the first bit of hope I'd had in over twenty-four hours, and it was as helpful as it was destructive. Because even though he was alive…

He was, more than likely, suffering greatly.

"He's going to be so hurt," I sobbed.

"I know," Adelaide whispered, gently rocking me side to side, her arms banded tight around me. "I know, hun. But he'll be alive . And just as he's helped you and Beck, I know you two will be there for him, too." She cupped my face in her hands, forcing me to meet her eyes, and stroked her thumbs over my cheeks. "The only thing we can do for him right now while the men work on finding him is be strong. Strong for him . Can you do that with me?"

I sobbed again but nodded. "I'll be anything he needs me to be," I croaked.

Adelaide smiled. "You're so perfect for him."

My own tiny, trembling smile tilted my lips, too.