Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Connor

I t had taken everything in me not to get completely shit-faced during the reception after what I overheard earlier that day at the church before the wedding.

The conversation between Ivy and Lennix had been playing on a constant loop in my head all damn night, and I couldn't get it to stop.

I wasn't sure if I'd chosen the right moment or the wrong one to take a piss earlier, but either way, now I knew everything she'd been feeling all these months I'd gone radio silent, and if I hadn't already hated myself, I sure as fuck did now.

"Honey, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You didn't do anything wrong."

Ivy made a scoffing sound that was anything but happy . "I'm not so sure about that. I slept with a notorious playboy and was stupid enough to think something might actually come of it. I mean, come on, Len. The guy hasn't exactly hidden the fact that he doesn't do relationships."

Lennix's voice had gone gentle. "That's why you looked so sad back there, isn't it? "

Hearing that she was sad flayed me right open.

"You really felt something for him?"

"I did. I felt something big. I thought..." My stomach plummeted to the floor as I waited for her to finish. "I thought we could have something like Rae has with Zach and your mom has with your dad. I wanted what my mom has with Micah, and I let myself start to see a future with him. Like I said, I was an idiot."

I couldn't stand that I'd hurt her. That I made her feel like a fool. Because the truth was, everything she'd been feeling, I felt too. It was why I ran. It scared the shit out of me to feel that way for someone else again. The only thought that had been going through my mind as I slipped out of her bed before the sun had started to come up and got dressed as quietly as possible, was that I couldn't go down that road again. First Dusty, the man I'd held up on a pedestal, tossed me aside. Then Amber broke my heart. Losing the two of them had crushed me. That had been a dark time in my life. But I knew it would have been so much worse to lose Ivy. In the years I'd been with Amber I'd never felt even half of what Ivy made me feel.

I left her before she could leave me because there was no chance I would survive that.

After hearing what I heard, having to watch her dance the night away with that fucking giant nearly drove me to the brink of insanity.

A tiny voice in the back of my head kept telling me to get the hell out of there, that I was torturing myself by sticking around just so I could watch her like a fucking creeper, but I couldn't. I had to see this through, because if she went back to that asshole's room, I was going to have to rip his goddamn head off. As it was, I wanted to break every bone in his hand for touching her all night long.

That dress she'd been wearing had left me in a constant state of arousal. There was nothing more confusing that being pissed off and sporting a hard-on at the same time. So much of the blood in my body was centered in my dick that I felt lightheaded. The copper color of her dress looked perfect against her creamy skin and made the rose-gold shade of her hair shine like it was about to catch fire. When she turned at the end of the aisle to take her place and I saw the only thing covering her back were two flimsy straps that crisscrossed all the way down to those sexy little dimples above her ass, I went hard enough to pound nails, and it never let up. It was a wonder I'd been able to function at all.

Knowing Tanner Fucking Fine got to spend the whole night feeling all that silky-smooth skin when they danced drove me crazy. Every time he touched her hair, tucking those strands behind her ear, I wanted to kill him.

The level of intensity and consistency that I continued to watch them with was bordering on disturbing, but I couldn't make myself stop. When they started walking out of the tent it felt like someone punched right through my chest and was squeezing my lungs in an iron fist. My feet moved with no instruction from my brain whatsoever, taking off after them. I didn't have the first clue what the hell I was doing or how I could possibly stop them from leaving together. I only knew I had to do something .

I watched from a safe—albeit stalker-ish—distance as the two of them stopped a few yards outside the tent. I thought I was going to ground my molars into dust when she lifted up on the toes of those fucking heels and kissed his cheek.

I watched with bated breath as the two of them talked for minute, but then, to my unbelievable relief, the giant jackass started backing away, and a minute later, the two of them headed off in separate directions.

Blowing out the gust of breath I'd been holding in my lungs, I set into action, following Ivy at a distance as she started off for the barn while Tanner headed back toward the lodge. I knew exactly where she was headed. She once told me that when she needed to clear her head or take a break from people, she liked to go out to the goat pen. For some reason that crazy woman's favorite animal on the whole ranch was a psychotic goat with crazy eyes that tried to physically maim everyone it came across. For some reason, I couldn't help but think that was so perfectly her.

Of course the wild little butterfly would connect with a psycho goat.

I could hear the smoky cadence of her seductive voice coming from out back as I moved down the alleyway between the horse stalls, but it was too far to make out the words. I paused just inside the open barn door, trying to figure out what the hell I was going to say.

My heart was beating in my ears so hard it was a wonder I could hear anything beyond that, but the shuffle of footsteps on the ground just outside managed to break through. A second later she stepped through the opening into the barn, that fresh lemon and basil scent of hers filling the air and erasing other harsher smells all around us completely. Or maybe it was just because I was aware of every single little thing about her to the point of obsession.

Her heels clicked slowly across the dusty concrete floor as she came into view. Those sapphire eyes landed on me a second later, not an ounce of surprise on her beautiful face, like she'd already known I was there. Her cheeks held a rosy glow, her skin looking dewy and soft, even under the harsh overhead lights.

The woman was incapable of looking bad, no matter what. I was willing to bet she'd still take my breath away on day three of the flu. She could look like an extra on The Walking Dead and I would still want her.

Ivy stood opposite me across the alleyway, her back pressed against the rough wood of the stall, her arms crossed over her chest, pushing her tits up. It was nearly impossible for me not to stare, but somehow I managed to keep my gaze above her neck.

"What are you doing in here?"

"I—" I thought about lying but quickly decided that would be the wrong move. I needed to start making things right. I couldn't do that if I lied. "I saw you come in here."

Her brows rose high on her forehead. "And... what? You followed me?"

"Yes," I answered plainly. "I saw you heading in here and I followed you."

She scoffed, giving her head a shake and pushing off the wall. I moved quickly, panic setting in when she started for the exit. I closed the space between us in two steps and wrapped my fingers around her bicep to stop her. "Ivy, please."

Her head shot around, her eyes narrowing in on where I was touching her. I snatched my hand back as soon as I realized I was touching her without permission. "Please," I said, holding them up in surrender. "I only want to talk. I want to try and explain."

She let out a bark of caustic laughter. "You really think there could ever be an explanation that I would want to hear?"

I didn't, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to try. "I thought I was doing the right thing. For you."

Her head fell back, a humorless smile that didn't belong on her beautiful face stretching across her mouth. "What a fucking cop-out."

"It's not a cop-out," I insisted, that pressure in my chest increasing by the second. She had to understand. I had to make her understand. It was the only way I could fix what I fucked up. "Look, I know it sounds like bullshit, but I swear, the only thing going through my head when I took off on you was that you deserved better. That night..." My mouth suddenly felt like it was stuffed full of cotton. I tried swallowing but there was no relief. "That night, the things I felt... I wasn't prepared. I know what I did was fucked up, and it's not an excuse, but I was scared. I knew I couldn't give you what you deserved. I'd wanted you for so fucking long, but after we?—"

"Fucked," she clipped out, wrapping her arms over her chest, the gesture more protective than anything, like she was trying to give herself a hug, almost. "That night, after we fucked."

That night had felt like so much more than that. Than just a fuck. So to hear her boil it down to its root parts felt like a slap in the face. A well-deserved one, sure, but it still fucking hurt.

"I knew I wasn't good enough for you. I'm not good enough for you. But there hasn't been a single day that's passed since I left that I haven't thought about you. I can't get you out of my head." I was making a mess of this whole thing. But I didn't know how the hell to put into words everything I had been feeling that night—what I was feeling in that moment. It was like the more I tried to explain, the worse I was making it.

I scrubbed my hands over my face with a groan, raking my fingers through my hair in frustration. "Christ, I'm not saying any of this right."

"No, you're really not," Ivy said dryly. "And I'm done listening. I don't want to hear anymore bullshit excuses or watered-down apologies. As far as I'm concerned, it was a mistake. End of story."

Dread made my heart rate slow and my brain short-circuit so I wasn't thinking when she started away from me. All I could do was act—desperate to do anything that would get her to stay. My hand shot out just as she started to pass me, wrapping around the back of her neck and propelling her back around. She stumbled on her heels, but I was there before she could fall, letting her crash into my chest to keep her upright before slamming my lips down on hers. The kiss wasn't soft or graceful. It was full of every ounce of need that had been clawing at my insides since I walked away months ago. I swiped across the seam of her lips with my tongue, begging for entry, and when they parted on a surprised gasp, I didn't hesitate to dive inside.

With one hand tangled in the hair at the nape of her neck, I tipped her head back and plundered. Adrenaline dumped into my bloodstream like a dam breaking. My dick was so goddamn hard I could feel my pulse in it.

When she finally pulled away several seconds later, we were both breathing like we'd just sprinted a mile uphill in the heat of the day. I stood, waiting for whatever her reaction might be. I had no right to kiss her, and I fully expected her to slap the shit out of me for taking such liberties, but I hadn't been able to help myself. It was like trying to survive without breathing.

Impossible.

"What happened between us wasn't a mistake," I panted, the breaths sawing in and out of my lungs. "I fucked it up. I ruined everything, but it wasn't a mistake."

My words spurred her into action. One moment she was standing across the alleyway from me, her eyes wide and glassy, her delicate fingers held over her lips in shock, and the next she was lunging for me.