Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19

ADIRA

A isling shrugs as she steps down to join me.

“I figured that if I surprised him, he wouldn’t be able to say no,” she says as I gape at her. “Caleb has a thing for helping people, even if he’ll growl about it. He gave me a job when I was down and out.”

“He didn’t know we were coming, did he?” I ask. “Aisling!”

“Good, I’m glad to see you can yell,” she says with a giggle. “We’ll have you stomping and throwing a fit in no time. Come on, we’re walking up the street for lunch.”

I think lunch has come and gone, but I follow her with a sigh.

“I can’t believe I have a job,” I mutter. “He doesn’t even know if I can do it.”

“I had no experience when I started, and he didn’t care about that or my age,” she says. “Caleb doesn’t play by the rules or law. You’ll be safe there. I asked Cere about it, and she was game, but her club gets really busy.”

Thinking about all the people, I shiver for reasons that have nothing to do with the cold.

“Exactly,” Aisling says with a nod. I’m realizing that she’s perfectly fine reading between the lines and it helps make me more comfortable around her. It’s nice not to have to explain every little thing.

“Where are we going for lunch?” I ask. I don’t love accepting handouts, but if I’m working, I can return the favor soon.

“Caleb’s brother owns a coffee shop up the street, and they have really good soup and sandwiches. Hoping something tempts you,” she says with a smile.

Taking a deep breath, I nod, deciding that it’s good practice for me to get used to being around people. I can’t flinch every time someone is near. Exposure is going to be the best way to deal.

Brewed Awakenings has a light crowd as we walk in, and Aisling seems comfortable as we wait in line.

“I worked both here and the bar at one point,” she explains. “It was exhausting, but it helped get me off the street. No one should have to work that hard. I was terrified of not having enough money for whatever reason. The brothers were both great to work for.”

A large alpha moves forward to take our order, nudging aside the girl who was working the register. She just winks at us and grabs a clean towel to wipe down tables.

“I just got an earful from my brother,” he growls with a raised eyebrow. “He can’t say no to you.”

“It’s for a good cause,” Aisling says with a shrug. “I use my power carefully, Mr. Lars.”

“Mmhmm,” he grunts. “What can I get you?”

“I want one of your bacon, lettuce, tomato sandwiches, please,” she says and I bite my lip in worry. I have no idea what to order. “If you’d had a really long stomach bug and were starting to eat after it, what would you want to eat, Mr. Lars?”

I appreciate the way she couched it, but the look the alpha gives me makes me raise my hands. “I swear I’m not contagious,” I say quickly.

“I bet you didn’t have a stomach bug either,” he mutters. “So secretive. Alright, I have an idea. Banana smashed toast with a peanut butter drizzle. I’ll make you an electrolyte packed drink too. Avoid caffeine for a while because it won’t help an upset stomach.”

Blinking quickly, I nod. “You don’t have to go to all of that trouble for me,” I tell him, to which he growls and Aisling rolls her eyes.

“Mr. Lars has entered that ‘I’m going to fix it’ phase, which means I’m just going to quietly pay and agree,” she says. “There’s no stopping him now.”

“Go away, girl. You know your money's no good here,” he grunts.

Aisling pulls out a twenty dollar bill anyway and shoves it in the tip jar with a smile.

“Thank you,” she says.

“Go find a table, and I’ll bring it to you,” he says.

As we walk away, I notice people waiting for their orders. The owner doesn’t cater to just anyone. Aisling is special.

Finding a spot, we sit down to people watch.

“This was my safe place for a long time,” she tells me. “It took me way too long to trust people. One wrong word and I worried that I’d end up in foster care. I’d heard too many stories to believe it would turn out differently. It all spurred me to find a kindred spirit like Wren and start Omega’s Haven. It’s not going to fix everything, but those who find us will have a place to breathe.”

“How long have you been open?” I ask her. “Do you often have male omegas come to the shelter for help?”

I’m curious about the process, though I do know they accept male omegas at the shelter, I didn’t have a chance to satisfy my curiosity.

“We’ve been open for a little over a year, and people come and go. We’ve had a male omega or two come to us through our outreach center, but none for the shelter yet.”

“Hmm,” I murmur. “I wonder why.”

“Not everyone is comfortable asking for help, or sharing a space with so many other people,” Aisling says. “The only male omega I know personally is Flynn from Pack Mohan, and he’s very protective of his space. It’s not often that he leaves home. If he can attend something virtually, he will.”

“I understand not leaving home often,” I admit. “For the most part, it didn’t bother me that my father was so protective. I was comfortable at home.”

“Everyone is different, I just meet people where they’re at,” Aisling says as Mr. Lars walks up and places plates and cups in front of us. He has some type of warm beverage for Aisling, and she merely chuckles.

“I figured you’d need an afternoon pick me up,” he says with a shrug. “Enjoy, ladies.”

He walks away and I gaze after him for a moment.

“What?” Aisling asks as she takes a bite of her sandwich. The bread is even toasted.

“He’s so growly and scary, but then he does really nice things,” I mutter. “I don’t understand alphas at all.”

“Yet, you see that there’s a dichotomy,” she says. “You’re good at reading people.”

“They’re still confusing,” I reply, picking up my toast as I turn back and take a bite. The bread is toasted perfectly, the bananas have a good consistency, and it’s not too sweet. Humming, I chew slowly before swallowing.

I’m waiting to see how my body handles things before I have another bite, but my stomach gurgles in excitement. Aisling hides a smile while I blush.

“That’s a high compliment,” she says.

We chat easily as we eat, and I find the electrolyte packed beverage Mr. Lars made me is helping as well. I don’t feel as if I’m dragging, my legs don’t threaten to fold when I stand up to dispose of my trash, and my stomach is settled and full. God, I almost feel normal.

“My errand is on the way back to the shelter, this was just a pit stop,” Aisling says when Mr. Lars steps in front of us to take our trash and clean our table.

“How is your stomach feeling?” Mr. Lars asks.

“Happy and settled,” I reply. “Thank you, that’s one of the first things I’ve been able to eat.”

“Since when?” he asks before scowling. I don’t think he meant to ask. I remember vaguely that I ate a little here and there at the cabin, but fell back asleep before I was able to eat it all.

“I don’t really know,” I tell him with a shrug. “I have a feeling whatever I say will probably piss you off, though.”

Mr. Lars huffs, and someone comes by to take what’s in his hands. His staff reminds me of a well oiled machine.

“I’m sure it will,” he mutters. “Are you sure you want to work for my brother? The cafe has daytime hours.”

“I’m thinking about going to college, and need to save up the money to do that,” I explain.

“It takes time to save that much up,” he grunts, glancing at Aisling.

“I’m working on getting her to apply for scholarships,” she says.

“The money exists for people who are driven and need the help,” Mr. Lars points out. “Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. It may be too late for this semester…”

“Maybe not,” Aisling says. “We’re going to visit the dean now.”

“Aisling,” I hiss at her.

“She’ll probably want you to take it slow, say one or two classes,” Aisling adds. “It doesn’t hurt anyone to fit you in. University of Lyons starts classes on February fifth. The bus system runs right by it.”

“It feels like such a big ask,” I murmur. “I don’t really have any transcripts since I was homeschooled. Everything went up in a fiery blast.”

“Like a fire or a bomb?” Mr. Lars asks, eyes narrowed.

Aisling glares at him, and I find it doesn’t hurt to talk about. I’m sure it’ll get better and worse in equal measures as I start to get time away from the event.

“It looked like explosives,” I grunt. “The crazy asshole likes to watch things go boom.”

Kane’s psychotic dark, almost black eyes, like his older brother, make me shiver.

“We can say all records went up in a fire,” Aisling says. “It’s not completely a lie. She’ll measure your ability to keep up and what you know some other way. Going to see her is the only way to know.”

The idea of being able to start school makes me excited and I nod. “Okay let’s do it,” I murmur.

“Good little omega,” Mr. Lars says, surprising me. His words aren’t suggestive the way that Jed’s were, and I force my shoulders to relax. “Go show the dean what you’re made of.”

My lips twitch at the level of pride in his voice as we leave. Aisling sighs happily as we walk, and I find that it’s easier to keep up. I need to get more exercise every day to bring my stamina back up.

I can feel my breaths get shorter as we get closer to our destination, my body reminding me of its limits. My legs may be enjoying stretching out and walking, but my lungs are flagging. I have to remind myself that every step is a building block, even if I want to be a wrecking ball.

“Miss Firestone,” Dean Verity Banks says with a stern look. “There are a lot of bricks in your way at the moment, and I’m going to use my power to knock some of those away. We had a scholarship recipient for this year who passed away suddenly and it was going to go to waste as everyone else has already chosen other schools to attend. The requirement to receive it is that you will need to pass the entrance exam. You need to take at least twelve credits for this particular scholarship. That is about four classes, which is more than I’d generally want you to take.”

Thinking about working nights and going to school full time makes me gulp, but I nod. I can do it. There’s places for me to study, there’s nothing else for me to do.

I can do this.

“I understand,” I say, my voice cracking with stress as I wince. She just smiles gently as I take a deep breath. “I’d like to try, please.”

Nodding, the dean grabs a pad of paper and writes down a date, time and place. We’re visiting her at her home currently, and Aisling swears this time she made an appointment. I’m not sure what to make of her, but she’s a miracle worker.

“Alright, Saturday morning at eight is when the exam will take place,” the dean says, handing me the piece of paper. “There’s a group of students taking another exam during that time in the room, but the teacher won’t have an issue proctoring for you. That simply means that she’ll administer the test and collect it when you’re done. The building number and classroom are on the piece of paper as well. The campus is huge, so try to get there a little earlier to find it.”

“Thank you so much,” I say, eyes wide. God, I’m going to cry. Don’t do it. Blinking quickly, I can feel that it’s going to be ugly and awful.

“Thank you, Dean Banks,” Aisling says quickly, standing. “We really appreciate it.”

“Of course,” she says. “If all goes well, I’ll see you around campus. My door is always open at school as well. Whatever you need.”

Nodding as the lump in my throat gets larger, I walk beside Aisling as we leave the brownstone.

“Are you okay?” she asks gently as I gasp, nodding as the tears begin to flow. “Did I push too hard?”

“No,” I wail. “This is amazing. I thought it was going to be so much harder to get to this point. A part of me doesn’t feel as if I deserve this.”

“You do,” she says fiercely, wrapping her arm around my waist. She’s much taller than me, and I’m tucked against her. “Just because we’re able to help a little doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve this, okay?”

It takes me at least several blocks before I’m able to stop crying.

“When is my first shift at Finnegan’s?” I ask, just now thinking about it. “I also want to see if there’s any chance I can find some study materials online.”

“Caleb wants you to start tomorrow night,” Aisling says, turning down the alley that’ll take us to the shelter. “You have a few days before the exam, we’ll see if there’s a general guide you can go over, since we don’t know exactly what they’ll test on.”

Nodding, I straighten as we go inside. I have a direction. I can do this.

I’m in a pair of jeans, crop top, and comfortable boots as I take in the bar that’s now beginning to fill up. Hazel helped me find clothing in the donations closet, so I wouldn’t look completely frumpy. I’m not wearing any makeup since I’m not confident enough to apply it, and my hair is pulled back in two braids down my back.There’s a lot of people, and I took Aisling’s advice on the alpha pheromone gel blocker. It’s helping to keep my anxiety at bay.

“You ready for this?” Caleb asks, coming to stand next to me as the first person walks up to the bar with a grunt.

“Hey, darling. Grab me a scotch, neat, would ya?” he asks.

Nodding, I ignore Caleb for the customer. I’m still not able to give real smiles yet. Trust me, I practiced in the little mirror in my room yesterday. It just makes me look constipated.

It’s not a great look for me.

The customer doesn’t mind as I get him his drink quickly, placing it in front of him.

“Here’s my card, darling. Start a tab?” he asks.

“Not a problem,” I say, pitching my voice a little louder as the volume in the bar increases. I do as asked, placing a temporary hold on it to keep it open before sliding his card back to him. “Enjoy your drink.”

“I like her, Caleb,” he says. “There’s no bullshit or sunny, fake smiles.”

My boss snorts as he nods and the customer slides a ten dollar tip over to me before striking up a conversation with the man next to him.

Pocketing the tip in my half apron, I turn toward Caleb. “I think I can handle this,” I say so only he can hear.

“I thought they’d be annoyed that your lips don’t do the opposite of this downturned thing yours do,” he grunts. “Are they broken?”

“I think they might be,” I say with a shrug and a deep sigh, finding someone else to help.

I’ve never worn something this revealing before, because I refuse to acknowledge being buck naked at an auction as being a choice. I didn’t have any choices there.

Alphas both men and women gaze appreciatively as I get them drinks, my breasts bouncing slightly, because my bra doesn’t fit the best. I’ll eventually have to fix that, but I need money first.

I don’t mind people looking as long as they keep their hands to themselves.

Bartending isn’t so bad, the pace fast and furious. There’s a couple of times that I get lightheaded as I pick things up or move too quickly, but I’m able to shake it off. I’m going to be completely exhausted by the end of this shift. I don’t mind that either, as long as I don’t dream when I shut my eyes.

I didn’t think about it until last night, laying in my bed. The thoughts came out of nowhere, keeping me awake in terror. I don’t want to get kicked out because I woke up screaming, waking up someone’s kid, because I couldn’t keep the Boogeyman inside of me quiet.

Blinking, I shake my head before moving to help the next person. I’m trying desperately to look like a normal, sweet omega who is bartending. I may not smile very much or at all, but I don’t want to look crazy.

Muttering to yourself or shaking yourself out of a deep thought isn’t the way to convince others that you’re fine.

The other bartender tonight is Orla, looking comfortable in her role as she grins and flirts with clients. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that, but I’ve been tipped well throughout the night, and I’m keeping up.

That’s all I can ask for on the first night. It’s nearly two in the morning when Caleb shouts last call for drinks, and my feet are killing me. The bar will continue to serve drinks for another half hour before closing.

I’ve made four hundred dollars in tips so far, though, and the boss said I’ll keep all of my cash tips. The bar keeps twenty percent of the credit card tips to tip out the bouncers, which works for me.

They’re stationed throughout the inside of the bar, watching carefully for someone to get too handsy. Finnegan’s has a few televisions playing games, pool tables, and is very busy. While there are a few women here and there, it seems like a place to unwind.

I’m floored by this by the end of the night, deciding that I’m going to need a bank account. Will it be a problem for me to have something in my name? I need to ask Aisling. Hiding my tips under the mattress in a shelter seems like a good way to get robbed.

“Hey beautiful,” a woman purrs, making me shiver. It's the way that she says it, surprising me. Her chestnut and blonde streaked hair is twisted up in a messy bun, pieces curled around her face as if on purpose.

Her hazel eyes gleamed with interest, her lips curled into a knowing smile. I almost perfume, something I didn’t think was possible. I really do feel broken, my body refusing to do anything it used to do.

Smile, be aroused, anything. I can acknowledge someone is pretty or handsome, but I want nothing to do with sex. I know logically that it’s still too early for me to pronounce myself defective, but that’s how I feel.

Ruined, broken, used up.

“Hi,” I say, leaning forward to make sure I can hear her. My long-sleeved crop top has a scooped neck, and it shows a hint of my breasts. Men and women are equally dangerous. I learned this at the auction house.

Ophelia is one of the worst omegas that exists.

“What can I get for you?” I ask.

“You’re not on the menu, so I’ll take an Irish cider,” she says with another smile. The voice reminds me of pure sex, and I find myself blushing as I nod.

“Flirting with the new girl, Sera?” Caleb asks, making me flinch. The man seems to melt into the damn shadows.

I am hyper fixated on my task, not on playing ‘Where’s my Boss?’

“She’s pretty, Caleb,” she says with a shrug.

My bite is healed, but I know she can see it by the way her eyes keep moving to my neck. It almost appears translucent, but it’s glowing slightly in the light of the bar. You can see it less in the sunlight, funny enough.

This entire shift, I’ve been wishing that I was a normal girl, an omega without a shitload of unresolved trauma. Instead, I wonder what her angle is. What does she want me for?

There’s no way anyone could want me without also wanting to hurt me in my eyes. I’m distrustful of every alpha that glances at me outside of my boss. The only reason I’m slightly willing to believe he doesn’t have any ill intentions is because of how half heartedly he hired me.

Nothing says, ‘I don’t have the will to sell you or mess with you,’ like a half assed agreement to hire a girl.

I don’t know, it makes sense in my mind, so I’m going with it. I need this job.

“You can look but not touch,” Caleb grunts. “You can see the mate bond mark as clearly as anyone else.”

I hand her the drink with a friendly nod, and Sera sighs before pushing a fifty dollar bill my way.

“Keep the change, beautiful. I’ll see you around,” she murmurs before walking off.

Caleb frowns as he watches her, shaking his head.

“Some of our clients are a little forceful,” he grunts. “Want to tell me about the bite mark?”

“Nope,” I answer, looking for anything else to be doing right now.

Blowing out a breath, he hands me a clean rag and cleaning solution.

“Wipe down some of the high tops out there, please. I’ll handle the bar,” he says. “They’ll keep their hands to themselves or knowingly lose them.”

Eyes wide, I grab the items from him and hurry off. I don’t know if he’s serious or not, but I don’t want to find out. For the most part, everyone leaves me alone, though a couple of people ask for my number. I answer them honestly that I don’t have one.

I’ll let them interpret that however they’d like. I don’t want to tell people that I don’t have a phone, since I’ll be walking back alone tonight and every night. I’ll have enough in tips to be able to get a burner phone with paid minutes that’ll allow me to have a way to communicate for emergencies.

This isn’t the safest city, after all.

Done with my task, I head back to the bar as everyone finishes their last alcoholic beverages and settles up their open tabs. The bar empties out quickly, and then Orla shows me how to close.

I’m ready to fall over after cleaning, mopping, and washing glasses with her.

“You good?” she asks, concerned as I lean against the wall with a nod.

“I’ll get there,” I tell her. “Stamina is earned.”

Gazing at me for a moment, she hums in agreement. “It sure as hell is,” she says. “Good night, Adira.”

“Night,” I say, going to the back room with her to get my coat, hat, and mittens.

“Are you walking?” Caleb asks, popping his head out his office as he jiggles his keys. Orla is already out the back door, eager to go home.

“Yeah,” I answer.

“Weapon?” he grunts, rolling his eyes as I pull out the small pocket knife. “Are you trying to tickle someone with that?”

“I’d rather not use it at all,” I say easily. Now that I’m leaving, his growly manner doesn’t bother me as much. I have money in hand, he tipped my credit card tips out before closing the register, I’m happy.

Six hundred dollars in tips on a Wednesday night. I’m absolutely in heaven. I don’t know what the scholarship will cover outside of tuition, but I want to be prepared. I’m not naive enough to think this will be a walk in the park.

“You’re already so frustrating,” Caleb mutters.

“I wish I could say I’ve never met an alpha who growls so much, but that would be a lie,” I sass.

Where did that come from?

He doesn’t give me a chance to apologize, a knee jerk omega’s reaction to keep him happy, because he disappears into his office, only to return with something in his hand.

“This is a stun gun,” Caleb says, showing it to me. “I wish I had a damn taser, so you wouldn’t have to be so close in order to be able to use it. Not all stun guns have a safety switch, but this does. Push this sliding thing to disengage the safety. Press this button down to make it spark, it’s the trigger. It’s not the most scientific way of explaining the damn thing, but you’ll be able to bring someone down for long enough to run. Here. Show me you can use it.”

Taking it gingerly from him as I put away my pocket knife, I carefully follow the steps he gave me, and press down the trigger when he motions for me to try it. The noise is loud enough to cause a reaction, my eyes wide as I move my finger.

“Keep the safety switch off when you’re walking around the city,” Caleb lectures. “Aim for lower center mass areas, especially since that’s what you’ll be able to reach. I’m talking about below the chest, legs if they’re facing you, or their back if they’re not. Play dirty and get the fuck out. Okay?”

“Yes,” I say shakily, putting the stun gun in my pocket.

“Do you have a phone?” he asks. “Sometimes schedules change and I’ll need to reach out.”

“Just the shelter number,” I tell him. “I need to get a cell phone.”

“Good. Be careful going home. I’d just take you, but I can tell you’re independent,” he says.

The way Caleb says it is as if it tastes bad to him, which makes no sense. Orla seems to be just as independent.

“I will,” I say. “Night.”

I’m working tomorrow and memorized the route to walk here earlier today. Pushing open the back door of the bar, I begin the trek home. It’s thankfully not snowing, the world quiet and dark.

There are street lights out here, but occasionally, I’ll find one or two are burned out. Walking quickly, I’m doing really well until I feel someone watching me. I don’t know how to explain it, except that the hair on the back of my neck is rising and my heart rate is ramping up.

Beginning to breathe hard from the strain of anxiety, I look behind and around me, not seeing anyone. My instincts are always correct, I’m simply not seeing where this person is.

I firmly believe that the second I stop trusting myself, I’ll end up dead.

Pulling out the stun gun, I struggle not to run. Alphas are natural hunters, and if that’s who is following me, they’ll chase me down. I’ve already been there, done that thank you.

All too soon, the alley is in front of me for the shelter entrance, and my steps stutter to a stop as I plaster my back to the wall and look wildly around again. I know that the guards are gone for the night, I’m on my own. However, so are the people in the shelter as well.

I don’t want to expose them to whoever is following me. Dammit.

I’m beginning to hyperventilate as I whine in fear, and a man steps forward into the light cast by the streetlight. His body casts a long shadow as I press against the wall, his appearance not helping. His dreads are tied up away from his face, and he looks down as if wanting to look at me.

I asked for space, I didn’t think he’d begin stalking me through the city. My hand tightens around the weapon, my other arm wrapping around my waist as I sob.

“Why are you here?” I scream, tears streaming down my face. “You’ll follow me, but can’t face me?”

His head slowly raises until his hazel gaze meets mine. It’s difficult to see the shade they are, but I’ve seen them enough to memorize them.

“Two alphas were following you home,” he says, his words sounding like gunshots across the road. “I snapped their necks for the transgression. Just because I know you need space, and I want to give it to you, doesn’t mean I won’t protect you. I know it’s confusing. I’m trying to keep the others away, Adira. I swear. I won’t offend you with an apology, because words will never be enough. I also have no business asking you for anything, but please don’t let this break your soul, baby.”

“What soul?” I ask, feeling as if I’m holding myself together as I cry. “It’s been torn into shreds! All I feel is pain or numbness. I can’t feel happiness or smile. I feel like a fucking robot. Anything good about me is gone, and in its stead is this sad, pathetic omega who is a fucking victim!”

“Then stop being a victim!” Morris yells back at me. “Get mad, strong, come and beat the fuck out of me. All I see is a sad, small girl. Where’s the goddamn fire?”

“That girl is dead,” I rasp, feeling as if I’m going to collapse from the outburst of words. “If you had any feelings for that person, it’s a shame you killed her just as much as you did the alphas whose necks you snapped.”

Forcing myself to walk, I almost trip over my feet as I turn into the alley. I ignore his pained scream from the street and as I make my feet continue to move forward, I acknowledge how much I pushed myself today. I need to rest and then study tomorrow before I go back to work.

It’s going to be an endless cycle of exhaustion, but it’ll allow me to do what Morris said. I’m not doing it because the beta told me to, though. I want to be a better, stronger version of myself. I need to build myself up, because no one else can do that work for me.

Knocking on the door to the shelter, I wait for Hazel to open it, my body vibrating with sadness and also anger. I definitely don’t feel numb. I’m pissed all the way off.

I will never go crawling back to Pack Dresmond. If they want me badly enough, they need to crawl through fire for me and show me the evidence of their scars. Even then, I may decide that walking around with a part of my soul outside of my body is a better option.

Damon is a glittering reminder of what one night’s consequences can yield. Omegas crave bites and to be possessed. Instead, I found a demon filled with a lot to say and the emotions to match.

My life will never be the same. Hazel opens the door with wide eyes as she gazes at me, but I shake my head, brushing away the wet shit on my face.

“The past came to say hello, and I told it to go fuck itself,” I whisper before brushing past her to get ready for bed.

It’s going to be another long day tomorrow too.