5. Ash

CHAPTER 5

ASH

If I said I remembered a single thing during the yoga class, I would be bullshitting hardcore. I was in a strange state of having a messy mind and some sort of off-kilter Zen—because if there was one thing I had learned from these daily practices this past week, it was that while yoga could be physically straining, it had a way of making you feel connected with everything .

In some metaphysical sense, I was aware that things would be all right, while mentally, I was freaking the fuck out about having dinner with Jay. This wouldn't be the first time we shared a meal together, but that was usually in the presence of Howie or their family. This would be the first time we'd be eating together by ourselves.

Holy shit.

I was going to be alone with Jay.

Maybe Howie had a point of needing a little more action than I was getting, because getting worked up about being alone with a man was middle school me, not twenty-six-year-old football player me. I was being ridiculous and completely overthinking a simple get together.

Shaking my head to snap the unruly thoughts out of my head, I followed Jay's instructions and entered my Warrior 1 pose. With my arms raised, I was almost able to clear my mind and focus on the strain on my back muscles. Then, Jay put his hand on my lower back to correct my form, and my mental gymnastics started up again.

Who knew a person's touch could feel so good through fabric? Jay had large, unusually warm hands. And while I loathed anything hot when I was already sweating from a workout, I didn't mind having his hands on me—preferably very often. I could just imagine all the amazing things his hands could do to me…

"Focus, Ash," Jay leaned in and whispered. His breath teased my sensitive ear, making me involuntarily squeeze my eyes at the sensation and feel off balance. I would have fallen right smack on my face if Jay hadn't had his hands on me to support me.

Popping my lids open again, I was determined not to make a fool of myself in front of everyone in this class. It wasunexpected, but I found myself enjoying yoga, and would thus like to be able to show my face around here again and continue the classes.

Though it seemed Jay had other thoughts, if the little smirk he had on his face as he walked back to the front of the class was anything to go by. I would dare say he knew exactly the effect he had on me and was doing this all on purpose.

Which then, of course, had me wondering just how much he knew. Was he aware of my crush? That wouldn't have been surprising considering basically everyone we knew was in the know about my feelings for him.

God, my head was going to explode with all the swirling thoughts.

Zen, Ash. Zen!

Unfortunately, even during Savasana—or the "lay down and do nothing pose" as I liked to call it—I couldn't stop my vibrating nerves no matter how much I willed myself to just be .

I was the first to jump off my mat when Jay announced the end of class. I was buzzing with too much energy to just lay there, so I rolled my mat, dropped it off at the designated storage area the studio had for members, and went up front to find Jay.

He was typing something on the computer but glanced up as I walked closer. "Restless tonight, huh?" he commented while his long fingers flew over the keyboard. I'd never noticed how slender and elegant his hands were. They were so different compared to my bulky paws, calloused and crooked from years of roughhousing it on the field. My hand would cover his so easily, and the urge to reach out and do just that suddenly took me.

My hand was midair when Jay spoke again, " Ash?" He was done with the computer now and had his entire focus on me, watching me curiously.

"Yeah, sorry. Just a lot on my mind." I let my hand drop to my side, pretending like that hadn't just happened.

Jay shot a quick glance at the offending hand but didn't question my actions. Thank fuck for that, because I wasn't sure how I would have explained myself.

"What do you want for dinner tonight? I was thinking tacos. Is that okay?"

"Anything's fine," I replied absentmindedly. I usually stayed on a strict diet to keep myself at top performance. My personal chef worked with the team's nutritionist to plan all my meals. But the off-season had just started, and it wouldn't hurt to indulge a little. I'd just hit my home gym a little harder tomorrow to burn it all off.

"Great! I just need to lock up after everyone leaves, then we can head out." As if his words had called them, the others all started filing out of the classroom. Some came up to the desk to chat with Jay or to just thank him for the class.

Jay was all smiles for them, professional, but his smile was genuine. I could tell that he truly loved what he did. He lived and breathed it with a burning passion.

I lived and breathed football, but with each season, the passion faded a little bit more. Some days, I questioned if going pro had really been a dream of mine at all, or if it was a lingering thread that connected me to Dad.

A short while later, the last person left. I tried to help Jay during his closing prep, but he'd refused and insisted that it wouldn't take long. True to his words, the lights were turned off and the front doors locked not even ten minutes later.

"Do you want to ride with me or follow behind me? It's not far," Jay asked when we arrived at his car. Our vehicles were the only two left in the tiny parking lot. As much as the idea of being in a small, tight space with Jay appealed to me, I figured I could use the time alone to mentally prepare myself.

The drive was as short as Jay had said, and before I could really regroup my thoughts, I was following him into an apartment complex. At first, I'd worried I was driving behind the wrong car, but was reassured when he parked and Jay came out of the vehicle.

"I didn't know they had restaurants in residential areas," I said after I'd parked next to his vehicle and was standing beside him.

"Well, I'm very happy to introduce you to Restaurant de la Jay then. I'm over here," he replied as he led me into one of the buildings.

"Restaurant de la Jay? Are you cooking for me?" I asked, following him with curiosity. We climbed up the stairs to the second floor and stopped at the first unit by the stairs.

"I am. Welcome to my home. My only rule is there are no shoes in the house." Jay unlocked the door and let me inside the apartment. I looked around, curious to see how Jay lived.

His room back at his parents had been filled with memorabilia and little trinkets various friends of his had gotten for him as souvenirs on their trips. But there was none of that there. The place was neat with tons of space, maybe a little too much space by the lack of items he had.

The two tall, glass display cabinets he had in the living room caught my eye since they were both completely empty. The place didn't really feel lived in. It felt more like a pit stop, making it easy for him to pack up and leave whenever he wanted to. I didn't like the thought of that at all.

"Sorry there isn't much stuff. It's been so hectic with the move and opening up the studio that I haven't had much time to unpack and make my home, well, a home," Jay said with a chuckle and headed to the open kitchen to the left of the door. "Want anything to drink?"

"Water's fine," I called out and followed behind him. He placed the glass of ice water on the kitchen island and gestured for me to sit on one of the stools.

"I figured you'll be more comfortable in the privacy of my home than at a restaurant with random eyes on you. Hope that's okay?" Jay grabbed a yellow apron off the hook on the wall. The front of the apron had the face of a Golden Retriever with its tongue out like it was licking something delicious. There were random stains on it, clearly showing that he'd worn it often .

"Thanks for thinking about me. I don't avoid public spaces—the guys on my team and I like to frequent Hand Wing Brewing Co. down in Southwest Austin—but I am much more comfortable not being in the spotlight. Sometimes I think I'm not cut out for a life of fame." I tried to keep my tone light and joking, but even I could hear the heaviness that slipped in my voice.

Jay paused his actions and came closer. He leaned over the kitchen island on the other side of me. His head was supported in his hands as he grinned up at me. "Well, in my opinion, you look mighty fine on the big screen."

"You watched me play?" I asked, incredulous. "But I thought you weren't a huge fan of the game?"

"I mean, I used to watch y'all practice in high school, didn't I? Did you forget the silly cheers I used to come up with from the bleachers? Two, four, six, eight, Howie and Ashy will obliterate." He raised his arms above his head and shook them like he was holding cheer poms.

"How could I forget? The team used to tease us about having our own personal cheerleader," I said with a laugh. "But I thought you stayed behind for practice 'cause Howie needed a ride home."

"Well, that too. But just because I'm not needed for my car services anymore, doesn't mean I'm not gonna stop supporting my boys, especially our famous little Ashy, who made it all the way to the big leagues! "

"I'm not so little anymore," I said, standing and crossing the island to reach his side.

The nickname had started in high school. Back then, I had been smaller than the other kids, smaller than Jay. But that hadn't kept me off the field. I'd worked hard to get a spot on the team. Fortunately, my growth spurt had come my junior year, even if it was late. And as if to make up for the tardiness, I'd shot up practically a foot.

This close to Jay, he had to tilt his head up to look at me. And who knew if it was by instinct or what, but his palm landed on my chest as if to stop me from getting closer. His warmth burned through my thin tee, right against my heart, tempting me. And this time, I didn't resist the urge to cover his hand with mine.

"You never answered my question from earlier. And don't even try to pretend like you don't know which question I'm referring to," I said. My voice was soft, worried that I would startle him, but my hand held his so tightly against me, I wondered if he could feel how hard my heart was beating, desperate for his answer.

Jay met my eyes, his pupils bouncing left and right like he was trying to glean something from them. Another second passed and he sighed, but he didn't struggle to take back his hand, so I took that as a win.

"Ash…" His mouth opened, but no words came out.

I waited for him to continue, and when he still didn't speak, I did. "Jaaay…" I said, using the same tone he had but dragging out his name. That earned me a smile and broke him out of his thoughts enough to continue whatever he was going to say.

"To answer your question…Yes, I swing both ways. I'd always found men attractive but didn't act on it until college. College really is like a whole new world," he said with a chuckle.

My free hand squeezed into a tight fist. I tried to push down the irrational jealousy that flared up. I wondered who appeared in Jay's fond memories of his university days? Which man had the divine luck to catch his eyes? I had no right to be possessive of a past that I wasn't even a part of, but I was fucking green with envy. I wanted to rewrite history, so that I was the only person he thought about.

Jay took one glance at my face and laughed. "This is a reminder to never gamble. You still wear your heart on your sleeve." The laugh faded as quickly as it came. "This is a bad idea, you know?"

"I know," I agreed.

"If anything happens between us and it gets out, it's going to complicate so many things. Hell, Howie would be the last thing to worry about. I mean, sure the starting and backup quarterbacks on your team are an out couple, and your new punter, Stevens. He came out and is with the owner of Bathtubs and Blossoms now, right? But who knows how they'll feel about you sleeping with a man when your personal life has been so clean so far? "

My lips curved up in a smile. "Been keeping tabs on my team, have you?"

He let out a cute little huff that sounded slightly exasperated. "I'm being serious here, Ash."

"I know," I repeated. "Everything you said is true, and yet I can't bring myself to care about the consequences. Not when it means I can be with you."

His breath hitched, and his black pupils overtook his blues for a brief second.

"I have aproposition," Jay started and flipped his hand around to thread his fingers through mine.

I stared in awe. His hand was so tiny compared to mine. It was only when he spoke again that I tore my gaze away from them to focus back on him. "It's obvious neither of us can ignore the attraction between us, but we can be adults about this. Once. No feelings. No attachments. Just once to work it out of our systems. What do you say?"

I read between the lines of what he was saying .

He wanted me.

He felt the same attraction that I did. But he wanted to work me out of his system, and that was the last thing I wanted. This silly crush from high school might be nothing more than lingering teenage hormones, but I knew once with Jay was not going to cut it for me.

My emotions were flipping back and forth so fast that I was getting whiplash. I didn't know what the correct answer to this was, but there was one thing I did know. I would probably never be done with him, and I sure as hell didn't want him to be done with me either.

I glanced at our hands again. His tucked so perfectly in mine that I had to wonder how it had taken us so long to get here in the first place. But now that we were here, I didn't want— wasn't going —to let go. At least not without a fight.

One night was all he wanted to give me. So I just had to make sure that after tonight, I left him craving more.