CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

I'MSUPPOSEDTO be sitting in some fancy theatre right now. Instead I'm pacing around my room. I can't lie still because of the pounding on one side of my head. The killer headache is my own fault. I hadn't drunk a whole real coffee in so long it really affected me. I doubled back to the bar from the café and got one of the barmen to pass a note to Dain before getting in a cab. Now I'm jittery and nauseous as hell and I can't think what to do.

But my gut knows. My gut's already made me take action.

He's inspired strong feelings within me from the first. I've been passionate, possessive, jealous—yep, a whole gamut of intensity. But now I know everything I feel boils down to the one base element. Not lust. It's much richer and deeper than that.

I'm in love with him.

And the longer I'm around him, the further in love I'm falling. Now I feel even more sick. I can't let myself drown. I can't want it all like this—because it's an impossibility.

I've never felt as overwhelmed in my life as I did in that champagne bar with the blinding smiles and brilliant jewels and scintillating talk of things I know nothing about. My inferiority? I've never known it like that. I'm just not on his level. And to prove it I screwed up in seconds.

The door opens. I spin around to see him step inside. The floor bottoms out on me. I've no idea how I remain standing. That sickness builds in the pit of my stomach.

‘You didn't go to the play?' My mouth is so dry I croak the words.

‘I had a message that you weren't feeling well.' He leans back against the door to close it.

‘You still should've gone.'

He stares at me. His expression is unreadable but I sense his reproach.

‘You're never going to believe that I might prioritise you,' he says grimly. ‘Why didn't you tell me you weren't feeling well?'

‘It's a migraine. It came on suddenly,' I mutter feebly.

‘Oh? Do you know what caused it?'

Not the coffee. Not even that stupid interaction with Chloe. She was merely the catalyst for my frustration and fear flaring. But I can't entirely regret it because it forced this reckoning.

‘I can't do this,' I whisper helplessly. I can't lie to him any more. Or to myself.

‘Do what?' he asks silkily.

The shiver of danger emboldens me. It's good that he's angry, actually. It'll make this easier. I'm wrong for him on so many levels and I don't want him to be with me only because he's afraid I'll cut him out of Lukas's life. I could never do that.

I know he's used to that denial—of time, attention, love. So am I. We're both damaged. We've both been denied. But he's worked so hard to make this work for me. He wants to be in Lukas's life and even though he has all the money, all that power, he, like me, fears loss of control. That his family, any emotional support or connection, could be taken away at any time. That he'll be shut out. He's as insecure as I am. So he's done everything in his power to make life here perfect for me. He's pleasured me over and over and over again. And I'm devastated. Because he felt he had to. Not because he loves me. Sure, he likes sleeping with me and we even have a laugh together but at heart he's only doing what he feels he must to shore up his own defences and protect his son. I understand it completely. It's what I'd have done too. The exact same thing. Pleasing. Working so hard to keep him happy. But things have changed for me. I want the fairy tale.

But he doesn't. And if he ever did, it he ought to be with someone who's his match. Someone who fits in this world. Someone who he feels strongly enough for to reconsider his position on commitment.

He stares at me as I stay silent. ‘You talked to Chloe. Did she say something that bothered you?'

I bite my lip. ‘I made a flippant comment.' My stomach twists.

‘Is that what you call it?'

‘Maybe I was too honest with her.'

‘Honest?'He steps towards me. ‘Is that what it was? When you told her in front of everyone that you're merely Lukas's mother and that there's still time for one of them to make a move? When you publicly denied a relationship with me?'

I grip the back of a chair, even more horrified. Because put like that it sounds even worse than when it happened. I felt shamed and lost control—but it was in front of others, when he desperately needs privacy in his personal life. I've jeopardised that just by existing. I remember those people taking photos outside the bar tonight. Dain isn't going to get his minions to hunt out those pictures and have them taken down. He was presenting me because I'm Lukas's mother—even if our togetherness is only to be temporary—and I've completely undermined his effort.

I denied that we have a relationship. My heart thuds as I make myself nod in agreement. Because yes, it was honest. I need it to be true. I need to push him away. I need to protect him. And myself.

His gaze darkens. ‘Have you forgotten that moments before arriving at that bar we'd been—?'

‘Of course I haven't forgotten. That happening in that car is part of the problem.' I draw a breath, but I still feel giddy. ‘I can't want you that desperately. You don't want that.'

He stops still. ‘I don't?'

‘You don't want commitment. You know our intimacy was only an interlude.'

There's another moment—a flood of silence.

‘An interlude that you've decided is now over,' he says very softly.

I make myself nod again. ‘We were just going to let it run, remember?'

His body goes taut. ‘You'd have been happy for her to flirt with me in front of you?'

My headache pounds.

He stares right into my eyes. ‘Do you really think I'd go from your arms to another woman in one evening?' He lifts his chin. ‘That's what you thought I did a year ago. And apparently nothing that's happened in the last few days has done anything to change your opinion of me.'

I want to shrivel up.

‘Does it mean nothing to you that I was celibate for a year?' he asks.

I try to shrug. ‘That's normal for me—'

‘But if you'd met someone else?'

‘I didn't...' I whisper. But I had chances. Handsome men came through the café all the time. Both before and after I had that night with him. But I was drawn to Dain in a way I've never been drawn to any other person.

‘Why are you still so willing to believe the worst of me?' he asks.

He's hurt. Really hurt. My emotions spin. I'm making everything worse. Handling this all so incredibly badly. He doesn't deserve any of this. He deserves so much more than I can give and the least I can offer him now is that truth. He should hear it directly from me. Because I do know how much honesty matters to him.

‘Tonight was a mistake,' I mumble. ‘I lost control. It isn't really you...'

His pupils dilate. ‘I—'

‘No, actually it is you,' I blurt in confusion. ‘I just really need to find a way to stop liking you.'

He stares at me. He doesn't get it.

I inhale deeply but it doesn't loosen that too tight, suffocating feeling in my chest. ‘I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy.'

‘Wow—'

‘I want you to be free.'

‘We have a child together, Talia.'

‘Yes, but that shouldn't stop you from doing what you want. Or being with whoever you want.'

‘So you thought you'd speed up the process by finding someone else for me to sleep with?'

‘Cheating is a hard line for me.'

‘So it will make it easier for you if I sleep with someone else, is that actually what you're saying?'

I brace inwardly. ‘Better still if you married someone else. But we both know that isn't going to happen.'

His jaw drops. ‘This is about the most screwed-up, irrational thing I have ever heard. And I heard some messed-up shit between my parents, Talia. I sure as hell don't need your help in finding a new sexual partner.' Yep, he's wildly angry and I don't blame him.

‘I thought you got that,' he says. ‘I thought we had an understanding.'

Tears prick my eyes. ‘Well, we need a new one.'

‘And you've already thought of it.'

‘Yep.' I barely hold back my emotion. I have to get away from him now. I just have to. ‘I'm going to move into the pool house.'

‘Pardon?'

‘It'll give us space,' I blurt, increasingly uncontrolled because my head is killing me and my heart is breaking. ‘I should've gone in there in the first place. Lukas will stay in the main house if that's what you want.'

‘How generous of you. You've thought all this through.' He inhales. ‘You're this determined not to need me.'

‘No. I'm this determined not to love you.'

He recoils. ‘You what?'

I exhale and it all just explodes from me. ‘I love you! I'm so in love with you.' I can't blame this on caffeine jitters. I promised I'd never lie to him. That I'd never hold back on the whole truth. So there's no bluffing. No attempt to pretend. There's just truth. ‘And I don't want to be in love with you but it's only getting worse.'

In the next second I can't believe I told him that. So passionately. So painfully.

The horrified look on his face tells me everything. He's so gorgeous but beneath that charisma, that charming smile, there's a man who's been deeply hurt. Who doesn't feel worthy of love. Who doesn't want me to love him. Who doesn't believe me.

‘You're so in love with me you're trying to enable my cheating on you?' He's bitterly sardonic. ‘You're so in love with me you can barely take a thing from me?'

‘I don't care about your money. I never have. I only care about you.' I see the flicker in his eyes. ‘You're more than money. If you had none you'd still be fascinating to me.'

He shoots me a cynical look that's devastating.

‘You don't believe that I'm in love with you.' It appals me to realise he doesn't feel valuable.

‘Words versus actions, Talia. You have to admit you've a very weird way of showing your supposed love.'

I grit my teeth. ‘I want to leave you enough space so you can live your life fully however you want to.'

‘You mean so I can sleep around.'

‘I mean be free.'

‘That's what you want for yourself,' he says sharply. ‘You're trying to give me what it is that you actually want. You want to be free of me.'

He's right. I do. Because I don't want this pain—I can't live with it now and it's only been an hour since I really realised. It's only going to grow. From the look on his face I know I'm doing the right thing. He doesn't believe that I'm in love with him or that I want what's best for him.

Maybe he thinks I'm trying to manipulate him in some way and maybe this is coming out of the blue for him, but it only reinforces that this is right. What did he think was going to happen? That we would continue to sleep together just casually? Would his interest wane and he just not want me as much any more? I can't wait around for that to happen. I know he loves Lukas and wants to be in Lukas's life. Always. And he will be.

So I lift my head and answer with raw honesty. ‘Yes. I do. I want to be free of you.'