Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

" I s that a horse?"

Lavinia peered at the image she had created and wondered if perhaps her aunt had not begun to lose her sight too early, "It is not a horse. It's a flower," she stabbed her finger at it, "Those are the petals, and that is the stem."

"Oh," the woman turned her neck this way and that trying to see what the younger girl was seeing. No matter how much she tried though, the image still remained a crudely done horse with its ears standing upright.

"You do not see it, do you?" Lavinia sighed, defeated.

Lady Hartfield shot her an apologetic smile, "I know how hard you worked on it."

"I'm rubbish at it, just say it," she tossed the piece of fabric away, "You do not have to coddle me. I do not begin to understand what I was thinking when I decided to join you."

"If I had to guess, I would say you just wanted to clear your mind of whatever that is troubling you and I believe I'll be right to say that it has something to do with His Grace."

"Perhaps."

The woman took her hand and stared deep into her eyes, "I wish you would not think so much about things you do not have control over, and focus on other things. That sadness in your eyes that you are trying so hard to hide, I see it and it makes me sad for you."

Lavinia lowered her lashes to hide the emotions shining in her eyes. She had set out on this commitment for the sole purpose of saving her family from financial ruin. Or so she had told herself. She was beginning to suspect she had been taken with the Duke from the very beginning.

If she ended things, what would become of her family? Would they be able to keep their head up in polite society after the scandal?

"What thoughts plague you?"

She needed to talk to someone and she knew just the right person. After all she owed her friend an explanation for the other night.

"I must go to Jenny's," she jerked up to her feet, "May I?"

Lady Hartfield sighed, "Alright. Take one of the maids with you."

She turned around and raced up the stairs to grab her parasol and bonnet. The Mallory estate was just a few houses down from theirs and she hardly saw the need for an escort, but she had been in no mood to argue with her aunt.

The butler only shot her a curious look when he opened the door, but stepped aside to grant her entry.

"I believe she is in her room," he said stiffly.

Lavinia made her way up the stairs and down the hallway till she finally came up on Jenny's bedroom door. She rapped lightly on the door and at the sound of a muted, "Come in," she pushed the door open and stepped in.

"Lavinia?" Jenny asked in surprise, sitting up in bed.

"Oh Jenny," she wailed, "I have made the stupidest decision of my entire life."

The girl peered at her from behind the round frame of her spectacles and then she carefully shut the book she had been reading and pushed it aside, "Does this have anything at all to do with last night? Or is that an entirely different conversation that we are yet to have?"

She walked forward and dropped down into the space beside the red haired girl.

"I do not know what to do. I thought I had it all under control but it seems to me that I do not and as a matter of fact, perhaps, I've never had any of it under control."

"You are making no sense, Lavvie."

"My marriage with the Duke," she revealed, "it was a sham."

The other girl paused. "Nobody thought it was a love match if that is what you're driving at."

Lavinia scoffed, "It is a love match. Or at least it is now, for me. I agreed to his harebrained scheme to save my family. My family- they- it was all for them. We're on the very brink of financial ruin and I was going to save us. This arrangement with the Duke was supposed to save us. But when he kissed me, it didn't feel like an arrangement."

She leaned forward, "what did it feel like? Was it everything they described in the books?"

"Yes, and more," Lavinia sighed, "I do not think it will ever feel like that again, not with someone else. None of it was real though. I fell in love with him, and he cannot love me."

Jenny clutched her by the arms and pulled her forward. "What do you mean he cannot love you? Everybody is capable of love."

She dragged a hand down her face. "He is, but he will not let himself love anybody or be roped into something as silly as love. I'm afraid that I have become one of those pathetic girls who falls in love with an unattainable man."

"How could he be so cruel?" The bespectacled girl jumped to her feet and began to pace. "He should never have pulled you into such an arrangement if he had no plans to-"

"You don't understand," Lavinia cut in hurriedly, "I knew from the beginning that it would be a marriage in name only. He said as much. It sounded like a dream come true at the beginning, I would be free to do as I wished with the protection of the Wyld name, a generous stipend and a mutual respect between the Duke and I."

Jenny's eyes went wide, and her voice dropped to a whisper. "What about the family line? I do not know much about the process of it, but I am quite sure you have to consummate the marriage to be able to bear an heir, and it sounds like the both of you have no intentions of doing that."

She ducked her head, blushing, because she had had every intention of consummating their marriage. "He was not all that interested in continuing his line."

Jenny gaped at her, "what were you thinking Lavinia!" she cried.

"I was obviously not thinking," she dropped to her back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. "If I was, I would never have allowed myself to fall hopelessly in love with him."

Tears began to slide down her eyes, and her lips trembled, "I have fallen for him and I do not know what to do. I do not know whether to try harder with him or to leave him be. But then the thought of never speaking to him again."

"And my family," Lavinia continued, "they will hate me if I do this to them. I cannot smear their names because of my selfishness. I should never have attempted to save us if I had no plans to follow through."

"Oh, Lavvie," the other girl sighed, "it is by no fault of yours. How could you have known that this would happen?"

That was when she burst into tears, huge racking sobs that made her curl up into a ball and bury her face in her hands, body trembling. Jenny was at a loss because she had never seen her strong and capable friend in such a state and she felt a little panicked as at what to do, but finally, she crawled into bed with her and put an arm around her shoulders.

"Do not cry, Lavinia."

"H-how can I not?" she sobbed. "I cannot break the engagement because my family and I will only suffer from it but neither can I go ahead with it because I do not think I will be able to live that way. He is perfect in every other way but for that one unforgivable flaw."

She rubbed her hand up and down her friend's back, trying to soothe her. Lavinia knew she was acting like a fool, and she hated to cry because it made her eyes puffy, gave her a headache and didn't solve anything either. What she should have been doing was thinking of a way to fix this.

But she was tired.

So very tired of wearing a smile and pretending that everything was fine when it was not.

"Do you think I should end it?" She opened her eyes and stared at Jenny through blurry vision, "I do not want you to pity me. I want you to tell me what you would do if you were me. It appears that this entire situation has made me impractical and I desperately need someone to be my voice of reason."

Jenny paused, looking thoughtful, "I cannot tell you what to do, Lavvie, I'm sorry. You're the only one who can decide your course of action."

That was exactly what she had feared. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to imagine being married to Victor. In her mind's eye, her future stretched ahead of her endlessly filled with unfulfilled longing and unreciprocated love. She saw herself withering away ever so slowly.

But then she imagined a life without him, he would find someone else of course. He was a young, wealthy and handsome Duke and within minutes of the news that he was back on the marriage mart spreading through the ton , he would have women beating down on his door.

Either way, her story would be tragic.

"What if you managed to find another gentleman to marry you?" Jenny suddenly piped up. "That could save your family from the gossipmongers. The story would be that you jilted a Duke in the name of love and it would be très romantique ."

Lavinia sat up and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, "Who would marry me? You forget that before the Duke came along with his scheme, I did not exactly have a line of callers or admirers."

"Only because you are oblivious and you decided that none of them are nearly good enough."

"I was holding out for love," she pouted.

"Of course, of course," Jenny agreed easily, "but now, you have caught the attention of the ton by being involved with the Duke. It is time to use that attention for your own good."

"Are you saying that I should..." she trailed off, thoughts racing. For the sake of her family's reputation, she could get herself another gentleman. But who? Not Noah's friends of course. Someone else. Like the marquess perhaps.

The idea began to cement in her mind, but then Victor's face flashed in her head and her plans stuttered to a stop.

"I cannot," she finally said, "I love him too much."

"I understand," Jenny told her, "I do not expect you to make any decisions now, Lavvie. I believe you will make the right choice though and I will support you through whatever you decide."

She began to nod and then froze. It only just occurred to her that she had made this decision to save her family from ruin by herself and if her aunt ever found out, she would be disappointed. She had lied to her about the nature of her and the Duke's relationship. Well, she hadn't exactly lied.

She had just made her believe that they were both equally attached to each other.

"What am I going to tell my aunt?" she wailed. "She thinks the Duke loves me and I don't know where she has got that idea, and I have no idea what I will tell her if I ever decide to end the engagement. She will be so disappointed if she finds out the truth."

"You will figure it out," Jenny soothed.

"I'm afraid I may not, Jenny," she sniffled.

She was afraid that she would only make things more complicated if she tried to figure it out. What she wanted to do was crawl into her bed and pretend like none of this had ever happened. But she couldn't just bury her head in the sand.

"It will be alright," the red head whispered.

She could only hope so.