Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

V ictoria is surprised only for a brief moment when Anthony lifts her. She should be used to his masculine strength by now but since it was one thing that attracted her to him, she couldn’t help the way her heart raced at the sheer difference between them.

He nibbles her lips to bring her back to the present and she returns his kisses eagerly, satisfied when he groans against her mouth.

All of a sudden, her clothes feel too tight and the pins in her scalp too oppressive and she wanted to be rid of them as quickly as possible.

She buried her hands in her hair, pulling out pins and not caring where she threw them. That would be her first chore on the morrow and she would not be bothered to think of them today.

Next were the stays at the back of her dress. After struggling for a few minutes unsuccessfully, she groaned her frustration causing him to laugh.

"You could have just asked me." He teased, breaking away from her lips to help her sit up.

She pouted and folded her arms across herself as he moved behind her to help.

"I did not want to interrupt your enjoyment." She quipped.

He laughed again and she was grateful to see that somber look he had had removed from his face.

She much preferred him this way; happy and care free. It made him look even more handsome and gave her a surge of pride in her chest that he could let down his guard around her.

She wondered how he must have been before the war and the scars. He seemed the sort that was easily moved to laughter and mischief and decided she would ask when he trusted her enough but not a moment sooner.

If she did, he might all but pull away from her and if she had read his movements correctly, he would not be staying away from her bed that night.

When he had finished undoing the ropes, there was an awkward moment as he tried to take off the dress till she was left in only her stockings and undergarments and he stayed her hand then.

"I’ll prefer to do that myself."

She nodded and let her hands fall away and returned awkwardly to the bed.

She had been naked once in front of him but she still felt a shiver of nerves. She did not suppose it got easier.

He had not touched her yet but moved to turn off the candles till the only light in the room came from the moon filtering through her window and then the furnace.

"Is everything alright?" she asked when she noticed he too seemed anxious.

He nodded.

Then his hands moved to remove his jacket then his cravat and with every piece of clothing that came off, she held her breath.

When he was fully unclad, her eyes widened at the sheer size of him and the mass of scars that crossed his chest and his right arm, her eyes returning to his swollen manhood between his legs.

Would that really fit inside her?

She let her eyes trace over every one of his scars to distract her from the challenge to come. They looked even more horrifying in the dim lighting and her heart broke with pity. He must have been in a world of pain when he had received them and it was a miracle he had even survived looking at the extent of the wounds.

"Now you see me as I am." He started. "I am no charming prince and if you cannot be with me, I won’t force you."

He still thought she would be bothered by his scars?

Had he not known her still? She wondered.

"I want you, husband." She said honestly. "I’m afraid if we were to stop now, I might die from wanting."

His eyes widened at her words but he still had not moved.

"Come, husband." She gestured with a hand out to him.

He still did not move but watched her.

She knew then that fear still had its hooks firmly inside him and if she did not make the first move, nothing would go well with them that night and even beyond.

If she wanted to know the man she had married, she would need to be the one chipping away at the walls that stood between them.

His eyes watch her as she came to him, still watching her intensely as a hand rose to touch him.

His breath hitched when her hand moved to the worst of the scars which wrapped around his right shoulder and chest and she gasped at how deep the wound ran.

"How did you survive this?" she asked softly meeting his eyes. "It’s a miracle you’re alive."

"Indeed." He affirmed.

His voice was gruff and he had not taken his eyes off her hands on his scars.

"What happened?" she inquired.

His eyes glazed over as if reliving a painful memory and she was sorry she had asked.

"I am sorry. I shouldn’t have asked." She apologized.

"It is alright." He answered meeting her eyes. "I am just surprised they don’t repel you."

"They only intrigue me." She answered. "And show me just how strong you are."

His eyes studied hers deeply and after a long minute of her wondering what he was thinking, he smiled.

"You are a remarkable woman, Victoria." He smiled. "And I need to make love to you."

She gasped and blushed as his hands circled her waist. He pulled her against himself and she felt the hard ridge of him against her belly.

"I apologize now that it might be difficult for me to be gentle with you today." He told her as his hands fully undressed, taking his time to kiss up her calf to her thigh and then her abdomen and her breast.

She nodded, wrapping her legs around him as he picked her up. He led them to the bed, placing her in the middle safely.

His hands moving to line himself up with her core. The head of him was large and when he pushed inside her, she tensed at fear of pain.

"You have to relax, Victoria." He whispered kissing her softly.

"I worry you might not fit." She admitted.

"I will. You just have to trust me."

She nodded and looking into his eyes.

He slid further inside her and then in one sharp thrust, he was inside her and she could swear she had not felt anything more painful.

She squirmed at the intrusion and he stilled her, moving out of her and in again, slower this time.

She hissed and clawed at his shoulder.

"Please." She begged.

The pain had faded and now she felt if he did not move, she would truly die. She felt well and truly filled now and she knew nothing else would ever come close to such an experience.

"Victoria." He groaned, thrusts coming faster.

She matched his thrusts and soon stars exploded behind her eyes and he followed soon after her, shouting out his pleasure.

He rolled off her and pulled her to his chest as they rested for their hearts to calm. Her hands caressed his chest and scars as his hands squeezed her shoulders and waist.

Soon their lips found each other’s again and he slid her atop him, entering her gently.

She gasped but asked him to teach her with her eyes and soon she was riding out her pleasure at a gentle pace he kept with his hands on her hips.

She had not known her body was capable of such pleasure or her hips could move so fluidly atop a mans but now she knew, she wondered just what else she could do and as she screamed out her pleasure again, she was looking to see just what she could do to evoke another shout of pleasure from him.

* * *

When she awoke, they were almost late for the morning meal and she was startled to find Anthony already fully dressed.

"Why did not you wake me?" she asked sitting up, then remembering she was naked, hastily pulled the sheets to cover herself.

His eyes had shot down to her chest and then back to her eyes and the heat in his expression warmed her cheeks.

"You did not get enough sleep last night." He answered alluding to the fact that it wasn’t until the wee hours of the morning they had finally slept.

"I thank you for your consideration."

He nodded and then moved to the bed.

"I already asked your maid to run you a bath. I thought you might enjoy that before going down for breakfast."

She nodded and smiled at him which caused his ears to redden.

"will you wait with me?" she asked softly. "I would like to break my fast with you."

"You do not mind me being here while you bathe?" he asked.

She shook her head and when he shot her a mocking look, she braced herself and rose from the bed, making a show of trailing to the bath chamber.

She turned to give him a triumphant look but when she saw the tell-tale bulge in his breeches, she hurried to the bath.

She would not have minded him touching her again but she was still sore and his suggestion of a warm bath helped immensely.

When she finally emerged dressed, the bulge was gone but he gave her an appreciative glance which warmed her.

They descended the stairs to the dining room and met his mother already seated and while she answered her son warmly, she merely turned up her nose at Victoria’s greeting.

"It is not seemly for a woman to wake so late. It speaks of poor training."

"Mother." Anthony scolded. "It is my fault we’re late."

The woman sniffed and turned away.

"You’re spoiling her, Anthony." She continued undeterred. "If you don’t curb this behavior, what will become of your estate? Slothfulness is not becoming of a duchess."

"Mother, I will thank you not to insult my wife."

"I am not insulting her but merely stating…"

He shot her a look that silenced her.

"I won’t say anything again."

"Mother…" Victoria tried. "I am sorry. It won’t happen again."

"Victoria…" Anthony starts but she shakes her head.

It would be to her detriment if she caused a fight between mother and son.

"I have an idea though that I will like to seek both your opinions on." She announced hoping the abruptness would kill the sour mood. "I am contemplating throwing a ball come autumn."

"That is a splendid idea. It’s been so long since these halls have seen a celebration." His mother admitted stunning her and even her son. "Have you drafted out anything yet?"

"N…Not yet but I will be doing so today."

The dowager duchess sniffed and rose from her seat but sent her a small smile.

"I will be expecting you then." She replied. "Don’t forget you are a duchess now and you would be hosting the upper echelons of society. I don’t expect a meagre affair and neither would the rest of the ton . Do not embarrass us."

She swallowed deeply before she could reply but the woman was already out of the door before the words could escape her.

"I will do my best." She still said, verbally reassuring herself that the undertaking would be a grand one.

"I believe that you will." Anthony added softly.

She startled briefly because she had almost forgotten he was there.

"I thank you for your faith in me." She confessed. "But I am nervous. I know nothing about planning a ball and as your mother stated, you are a duke so much is expected of me."

He nodded.

"There is naught to worry about. Mary, the parlor maid, has been with my family for years. She can help you. And if you need any help, I may be able to offer some assistance."

"You would bother yourself with such trivial matters?" She asked eyes wide.

"It would not be a bother." He answered, rising from his seat. "Are you remiss to finishing breakfast alone? I have a lot I must attend to."

"Oh." She answered rising also. "I was hoping…never mind."

"What is it?" He asked.

His tone was inquisitive and not irritated and she couldn’t help but wonder at how soft he was being with her now, not that he had ever been hard or anything but usually he would have left her to breakfast alone.

"I was hoping perhaps we could talk." She said and noticing the panicked expression on his face, she hastily added. "It’s nothing serious, it’s just… there is a lot I still don’t know about you and I would like to correct that. I know you still don’t trust me considering how I forced you to marry me but I was hoping I could let you understand me a bit also."

He studied her briefly and then nodded, returning to his seat.

"I would expect you to begin since you proposed the idea."

She nodded and took a deep breath reclaiming her seat.

"I suppose I must start at the beginning." She started.

He nodded.

"I consider myself not just an older sister to Charity and Diana but a mother. I practically raised them since my mother passed at Diana’s birth so you must understand why I’m particularly protective of them." She started. "When Charity informed me of the match with you, she was in tears and she did have someone she considered herself madly in love with. I had no choice but to try to talk you out of it."

He nodded as though understanding.

"And when did you decide you would take her place?"

"It was in the heat of the moment." She answered honestly. "I had not thought to marry you. In fact I’d have wished you would marry into another family but…"

"But?"

She sighed again knowing her answer would most definitely make him see her in an even more negative light.

"I considered my family’s financial status." She answered. "Plus…you were also attractive and made me feel things I had not felt before."

He smiled a small smile but hid it as quickly as it had come.

"You found me attractive?" He asked mockingly.

"Yes." She answered. "It was hard for me to even begin my proposition because I kept getting distracted. Did not you notice?"

"I don’t know why I find that hard to believe."

"You should look often in the mirror then." She suggested as a quip but his face darkened.

"I do it more often than you’d imagine."

"Yet you don’t see it?" she asked incredulously.

"I do not." He answered.

"That’s very self-depreciating."

He scoffed and folded his arms.

"I have good reason to."

"is it because of your scars? You do realize they do nothing to hamper your attractiveness?" she asked but noting his disbelieving expression, she shook her head. "You do not, do you? Why?"

"I wonder if perhaps you’re only trying to make me feel better about myself because you want me to forgive you."

"No. I’m only stating the truth." She answered with a frown. "I see no reason to lie to you. You do not have an accurate assessment of yourself and I would thank you to stop it."

He sighed and shook his head.

"I thank you for trying to boost my self-esteem but I have come to terms with my appearance since long ago."

"But it is warped." She continued. "You mustn’t let something so small get you down."

"I haven’t always been this self-depreciating." He smiled ruefully.

"Why are you now?"

"Contrary to what you might believe now, I used to be a rake. The worst reprobate you can imagine and it gave my father endless headaches how I completely disregarded my duties as his heir."

She laughed at the image that surfaced in her mind of a young duke prowling the halls of the ton ’s homes.

Yes.

She could imagine it.

Even with the terrible scars on his face, he was still one of the most beautiful men in England. He would have had an endless number of women eager to be charmed by him then. Even now, she knew perhaps if he smiled as he did with her, that she would have to fight women off of him.

"I can imagine that." She laughed. "But were your affections never engaged or did no young maiden make you want to amend your ways?"

Her tone was light but it was obvious her question had ruined the light mood that existed between them.

She already knew the answer to the question she had asked him since Theo had revealed the results of his unsolicited investigation but had asked anyway, wanting to see if he would trust her enough to reveal a secret only a handful of the ton knew.

"I was engaged previously." He answered.

"Really? To who?" she asked excitedly, then remembering she was to feign ignorance, she fixed her face into a contemplative look.

He shot her a funny look.

"I don’t think I should reveal that information." He answered. "But I can tell you it was a short lived affair."

"Why?"

"She could barely look at me after I returned from the continent and quite literally begged me to end it."

"Oh."

There were no words she could form that would sufficiently convey what she truly felt.

He looked distraught, as if talking about it pained him, but spoke nonetheless and she wondered if he were starting to trust her.

"I saw her at the ball yesterday." He added not meeting her eyes.

"Is that why you wanted to leave?" she asked already knowing the answer to her question.

He looked startled for a moment then a barrage of emotions flittered around his face as though deciding if he wanted to go down the honest route.

He sighed and nodded then and it took her almost a minute to hide the smile that stretched her face.

Victoria truly had not expected him to answer her honestly and it only made her to ask more probing questions to utilize this mood as best as she could to fully understand the man she had married.

* * *

"Did you love her?" Victoria asked surprising him which had been her custom with each day that went by.

Her questions were always bold and she never hesitated to speak her mind which was a far cry from the training debutantes received.

Her face held a questioning yet patient look as he regarded her question. It wasn’t at all hard to answer as he had never been in love with Rose. Not even remotely.

"No." He answered tonelessly. "I did not so her rejection did not hurt in the way one would expect. We were betrothed at infancy and grew to only tolerate each other. There were no feelings of that nature between us."

"But her rejection still stung." She added looking thoughtful.

"Alas it did." He nodded. "But not for reasons you might have thought. I knew it would be hard for anyone to accept me even when I were yet to accept myself but I had harbored a kindling of hope that perhaps not all would reject me. She only made me fully aware of the new reality my scars had created for me and I can thank her for it or I would have harbored delusions that perhaps the ton would accept me with little difficulty."

"Hmm." She answered with a nod. "I am sorry that you were made to feel that way. Your scars do not entirely define you. They are a part of your appearance now, yes but ultimately, it is the man beneath that matters. I hope that you have come to accept that now."

She was making him start to but he did not answer. There was no way he would phrase that that would not stun her.

Anthony is surprised when Victoria leans forward to kiss him, her lips soft and pliant against his, sending words of comfort that he would have rejected in the past.

He buries his hand in the hair at her nape and makes no move to deepen the soft kisses they shared.

He accepted her comfort, drinking from the dreams like a thirsty man would from a fountain yet his thirst could never be fully quenched.

When they separated for air, he pulls back a small fraction admiring the way her face radiated bliss with her eyes still closed.

She could almost lead him to believe that she was happy with their arrangement and that he was able to make her happy.

"I must leave now if I am to get anything done today." She smiles opening her eyes softly and pouting. "Perhaps if we both finish our tasks early, we could take a turn about the garden?"

It was a suggestion posed as a question and he wondered if she truly wanted to spend time with him. He found himself agreeing despite his reservations.

She smiled brightly at his assent and rose quickly from her seat.

"I’ll start now then." She smiled waving as she turned to leave the room. "Have a good day."

Her words were delivered with a soft peck on the cheek he had not been expecting. He sat stunned for a long time on his seat, his hands moving to his face in shock.

She was becoming softer and more open to him and even though he had begun to open up to her, he couldn’t help but hold back not fully trusting her.

He knew he had fallen for her soft charms and caring nature as their relationship had progressed but he couldn’t bring himself to accept it.

After all, she had only married him to help her sister out of a marriage she did not want.

What was to stop her asking for annulment after a year?

He shook his head, rising from his seat. He would have to guard his heart a little more jealously now if he was to save himself a fresh barrage of pain late.