Chapter 66

Chapter Sixty-Six

Maddy

E mma's hand tightened in mine as Liv linked my arm, the school gates a couple of feet in front of us. There, leaning against the wall, in his usual spot, drawing hard on a cigarette, was Zak.

"He looks like shit," Emma announced.

"He looks like he's been crying." Liv added, tugging on my arm. "I think you should listen to what he's got to say."

"Liam said he's adamant that he isn't back with her and that he hasn't seen her since we all went to London, or that he didn't post that photo."

"Yes, well, I know what I saw." I bit down on my lip desperately trying not to cry. Just the sight of him made me want to sob. He looked terrible—like Liv said, he looked like he'd been crying, or at least not sleeping.

"Just speak to him," Emma urged.

As we moved closer, Zak pushed off the wall, stamping down on the cigarette. "Mads, please," he begged, holding out his hand. "You have to believe me. I did not post that picture. I am not still seeing Connie. I swear to you."

"I know what I saw, Zak, so if you didn't post it, who did?"

"I don't know, I have no idea. Connie, maybe?"

"How the hell could she do it? Unless, of course, you were with her and let her have your phone."

Emma cleared her throat. "Come on Liv, let's go." She hugged me and whispered, "We'll see you in assembly. Just listen to him."

"See you in while," Liv added as she uncurled her arm from around mine.

And there I was, alone with Zak, staring at me with red-rimmed eyes, swallowing hard so that his Adam's apple bobbed.

"You look awful," I told him, giving him a sweeping gaze from head to foot.

"I feel awful. I've hardly slept and I…" he ran a hand over his face and released a long, exhausted breath. "Why wouldn't you answer my calls?"

"Why do you think?" I shook my head in disbelief. "I'm grieving my best friend, and then I see a picture of you and your ex on your Insta. Posted only yesterday. Why would you do that, Zak? If you're back with her, that's the fucking shittiest way of telling me."

Looking over his shoulder at everyone milling around us, he groaned and then took my hand in his. "We need to get out of here."

I stood my ground, planting my Doc Martens firmly on the pavement. "No, Zak. We have Ana's assembly in half an hour, or don't you care about that either? You know, like you didn't care that she walked off from the party."

"That's not fair."

"No, it's not fair that she's dead. That's the most unfair thing in the world."

"Right," he said in a no-nonsense tone. "We're going to talk."

He gripped my hand harder and marched me away from the gates towards the bus shelter across the road. There was one girl in there, searching through her bag.

"Do you mind leaving?" Zak asked, his usual well-mannered self. "We need some privacy."

She stared wide eyed at him and then me. I didn't know her, but she looked like she might be a couple of years below us, so I smiled hoping she realised we weren't there to hurt her. Picking up her bag, she threw it over her shoulder and left us alone without even a backward glance.

"Sit down," Zak urged, pointing to the bench seat. "And listen to me."

"What if I don't want to?" Yet I sat down anyway.

"Please, Maddy. I need you to listen to me. I swear to God, I never posted that picture. I don't even know when it was taken. I haven't spoken to Connie since we left the party in London."

Looking down at my feet, I noticed that my right boot was dirty, so I reached down and rubbed at it with two fingers.

"Maddy," Zak cried, putting his hands on my shoulders. "Listen to me."

"I'm listening, okay." I blew out my cheeks. "I'm listening."

He exhaled and linked his hands at the back of his neck. "Thank God." Taking two paces back he crouched down so that we were eye to eye. "On my life, I swear to you that I'm not back with Connie, I didn't post that picture, and I haven't seen her or even spoken to her since London."

As I looked into his eyes, it was like looking into a shimmering pool of clear blue water, but instead of my own image reflecting back at me, it was something else, a whole host of things. It was his protectiveness, his morals, his affection for me, his beautiful nature, and his kindness; it was truth and honesty.

"How can I trust you and what you're saying, Zak?" I knew deep down he wasn't lying, and instinct told me that he had done nothing wrong, but sometimes you have to ask the questions—just to be sure you're not stupid and you do have the right answers after all.

He closed his eyes with a sigh, and as his shoulders sagged, he looked back up at me and licked his lips.

"Because." He hesitated and then shook his head. "Because you're the best thing that's ever happened to me Maddy, that's why. You're everything to me."

My mouth dropped open, shocked by his admission. I'd had no idea that he felt like that. Or maybe I did. Maybe that was why I was so shocked by his supposed betrayal. I knew I was there with us, but…

"I-I am?"

He nodded, putting one knee to the floor, resting his forearm on the other. "Yeah, you are. To the point that I know I'll never get over you if you dump me now, not ever."

"You're not just saying it, so I won't set my dad on you, are you?" I asked with a grin, my veins pumping with excitement and happiness.

"No, of course not. Although he does scare the shit out of me." His perfect lips pouted. "I wanted to tell you in London, but I wasn't sure that you would want to hear it. I know we're young and it's quick, but if me telling you now makes you trust me, then I'll take the risk."

"What risk?"

"Of you telling me to stop being a weird twat and to fuck off."

I couldn't help giggle at that. "I wouldn't say that."

Never ever. Not in a thousand lifetimes.

"You wouldn't?" He looked up at me with hopeful puppy eyes, which just made the stupid idiot even more attractive.

"No, but I would say, get up off that dirty pavement because you're kneeling in chewing gum."

"Ah, shit." He jumped up quickly, brushing down the knees of his jeans, muttering about dirty skanks spitting out chewing gum.

As I watched him, my body sighed with relief and I couldn't stop my smile as I said, "You're just lucky that stream of pee didn't travel far."

Zak looked where I pointed and groaned. "It's not the most romantic place to tell you I'm obsessed with you, is it?"

"Not really." It didn't mean I didn't like it, though. In fact, my heart was thudding in time with the wings of the butterflies in my stomach. "But thank you for the thought."

Sitting next to me, Zak tentatively took my hand and pulled on it until I looked at him.

"What?" I asked.

"You really do believe me?"

I nodded. "Yes, I do." Maybe it was the overpowering grief of losing my best friend that had blinded me. My heart had already been suffering and had no immunity to stupid tricks and lies. Now I was with him, though, looking into his eyes, seeing his truth, it was clear how stupid I'd been.

"Thank God," he whispered, rubbing a hand over his face. "I've been shitting myself that you wouldn't."

"Well, I do, but, if you didn't post the picture, who did?" I asked, not pulling my hand away from his. "Who could have got into your Insta?"

Zak shrugged. "No idea. I think it was taken at some family party of hers, but I know that the shirt I'm wearing went to charity when we moved here." He narrowed his eyes on me. "And you can ask my mum if you want to."

"No, I don't want to." I gave his hand a squeeze and earned myself a gorgeous smile. "Who else knows them?"

"Amelia?"

"Amelia wouldn't do that would she?"

"Not a chance, she's more obsessed with you than I am."

Grinning, I asked him, "You're obsessed with me?"

"You know I am," he replied, rolling his eyes. "And if you don't then I haven't done my job as your boyfriend properly."

Laughing, I shook my head. "You sound just like my dad."

"I am Luke to his Darth Vader. He taught me well."

"Shit, you are turning into him."

As I slapped a hand to my face, he chuckled deeply and put his arm around my shoulder, hugging me closer. "Thank you for believing me." He drew in a breath and looked at me tentatively.

"What?" I asked. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Fuck it, I'm just going to say it."

"Say what?" I asked, my voice quivering with trepidation.

"That I love you, Maddy," he said quietly, his gaze fixed on me. "And I'm an idiot because I should have said it before now. Because that's what I really wanted to tell you in London. You're not just everything to me. I love you."

My stomach tumbled as I stared at his lips, not sure if I'd heard him properly. "Say it again," I whispered, watching him carefully. "Tell me again."

He reached for my hand and pulled it against his chest. "I. Love. You."

His words were slow and definite so that there was no doubt what he was saying. And every single syllable made perfect sense. He. Loved. Me . This clever, kind, gorgeous boy loved me, and I knew that even if it didn't last he would always be ingrained in my soul. That was how special he was, how special what we had was. It was the perfect first love.

Our eyes met in an intense stare and all the excitement rolling around in my stomach intensified. It wasn't heated or lustful, but much deeper than that. It was a silent recognition of how we felt about each other. Of the excitement and joy of first love.

My heart hammered as adrenaline coursed through my body, and his intense blue gaze stole my breath. This boy was everything to me. He was the best part of my life. The best part of my heart. "I love you, too," I told him, hoping my words didn't sound as shaky as they felt in my throat, because I needed him to hear them and understand them. "That is my truth, and I'm sorry that I doubted you for one second, because I know how amazing you are."

"Amazing?" He had a wry grin on his face, and it was so cute it made my heart flutter.

"Yes, amazing. And perfect and ho?—"

I didn't have a chance to finish because Zak jumped up, cupped my face, and held it in his strong hands while he kissed the breath from my lungs. It was passion and sweetness mixed together as he bit my bottom lip before sucking on it gently. His fingers tangled in my hair as he urged me to stand with him. Once I did, we lost ourselves even more in a kiss that was a recognition of the feelings we'd fallen hopelessly into.

"I love you," he said breathlessly in the seconds between kisses.

"I love you."

It was like we couldn't get close enough, pushing against each other, our hands clutching and grabbing.

Being there in that moment with Zak made me wish that I hadn't been so angry about Ana's death, or so furious with myself for not going home with her, and so full of resentment at Zak. All those feelings had been stupid and damaging. What I really should have done was let myself need him. Because all that fury and bitterness had squashed down the grief, and I'd let it because that was so much easier to deal with. In return, I'd suffered more. My relationship with Zak had suffered, too.

"Please don't ever doubt me again," he said, leaning in to kiss me softly. "Because of all the people in this world, Maddy, I only want and need you. And I would never hurt you." He breathed out slowly, like he finally felt at peace.

"I know." And I did know, and I had to say the words one more time. "I love you."

Smiling, we stared at each other, our gazes drinking each other in as we memorised the moment that would be the defining one of our relationship. The moment where I'd stopped over thinking and just let myself feel.

"We should go," I said, conscious of the time of Ana's assembly.

He nodded, his thumb brushing my cheek, his ring cold against my skin. "Yeah maybe you're ri…"

"What?" I asked, when he trailed off.

"My passcode. Connie knows it."

"Connie?"

"Yeah, she does."

"But it was your Insta password, not your phone." I didn't understand what he was getting at. "How would that help her? Or does she know that, too?"

"No, but maybe she got into my phone and checked my password. I don't have it hidden because I always forget it."

"Zak," I cried. "You told me all your passwords are Hoyland123, how the hell do you forget that?"

He shrugged like he had no idea what the problem with that was. "The point is," he replied, "she might have got into my phone and checked my password and then she posted it."

"Would she go to those sort of lengths?" I asked and then remembered the party. "Yeah, she would."

"I'll kill her," he growled about to push up off the bench seat when I pushed him back down.

"We need to be sure first. And, I can't believe I'm saying this," I shook my head and rolled my eyes, "but does it matter? If she did, the reason was to break us up and it hasn't worked, so…"

Zak shook his head. "It does matter. She made you cry, and I had the shittiest weekend of my life."

"Who said I cried," I argued.

He circled my face with his index finger. "You look beautiful, but I can see hints of tears."

"My friend died, Zak. Do you not think that maybe that's why my face is blotchy and my eyes like slits."

Shame and regret fell over his features. "Shit, I'm sorry. I can't imagine how bad you must feel. How sad and heartbroken. Fuck," he cursed under his breath. "I'm so sorry, Mads."

"It's fine." It wasn't fine, there were still vestiges of anger inside me, but it was time to let it go.

"I know that you're angry at me for not chasing after her the other night, but honestly I didn't know she would take that short cut. I didn't even know it existed."

"I wasn't angry at you, well, not just you. I was angry at everything; at Ana, at me, at you. Just because it was easier than the alternative which was grief. Grief and acceptance that she really is dead."

"I'm so sorry." Zak stroked my cheek and gave me a half smile. "But I understand that totally. I promise you, though, Liam and I looked hard for her. We even went out onto the street, both in different directions, but neither of us saw her."

"She probably cut through the allotment, another stupid thing she used to do." Scuffing the toe of my boot on the pavement, I thought about Ana and some of the stunts she used to pull. "She'd often go off on her own, take short cuts and the darkest roads home. She was the first one to sneak drink out of her parents' drinks cabinet, she was the one who jumped a taxi when we went to a gig in Manchester one time. She did a lot of stupid things, so her storming off from a party wasn't your fault, not at all."

He gave me a single nod and sighed. "We should get to the assembly. Go and pay tribute to her."

It was only when Zak reached up and wiped my cheek with his finger that I realised I was crying, but it felt good to have him there to comfort me.

"I'm doing a speech," I told him. "I just hope it's okay."

"It'll be perfect," he replied. "You'll make her proud, I know you will. And then, after that I'm going to call Connie and find out what she's been doing."

"Zak, it's fine."

"No," he said determinedly. "She could have split us up, and I won't ever forgive her for that."

We then walked back to school and as Zak squeezed my hand, it felt good to have a small level of normality. Even though the next couple of hours were probably going to be the saddest of my life so far.