31. Lia

31

LIA

One thousand cranes decorated every single surface in the house.

One thousand separate creatures, yet none of them could fly away—and neither could I.

—Sarah, from One of a Thousand Wishes by A. R. McGeorge

I got back to my apartment and tried to get into a book, any book, but nothing could blot out my intrusive thoughts, so I started pacing.

My uncle would not be in Asia forever.

My father's birthday party was in two months.

I had to figure out how I was going to handle my shit between now and then. I could no longer rely on wishful thinking; being around Freddie Junior had made that abundantly clear.

I needed a concrete plan.

Desensitization?

Just find pictures of the asshole—or his son—and look at them online until I didn't want to barf or cry?

I knew it wouldn't work.

I didn't think anything would.

I was scared of the fucking dark.

I was hopeless.

I ran for my bed and jumped on it, making it be my island of sanity. Everything was soft and cushiony here and there was nothing that could hurt me.

I just—everything was so close—and maybe good—why couldn't I fix myself?—because you're a bad person—no one loves you—anything else would be better than this—I wish I were—don't think it—thinking it makes you a bad person—so of course no one loves you ? —

And then my phone beeped.

Repeatedly.

It was charging on my nightstand.

I stared at it.

I knew better than to look at it...but I also couldn't fucking help it.

Knives were in the kitchen, where they belonged, but that didn't mean I was lacking for other, more metaphorical, ways to stab myself.

I grabbed it, turned it on, and all the texts were from my Monster.

That's the Sylvestry Center Garden.

The horse's name is Gracie.

And as for the last one, little girl—we'll see.

I stared at his words and the images I'd sent him for a long while, feeling my overheated mind cool—and I realized in my efforts to be sexy with the implying a below-the-desk-BJ thing, I'd essentially sent Rhaim an image of a small, dark box.

Would I actually ever risk that?

Only if he asked me.