11. Round 12

11

ROUND 12

Willo

I ’m an idiot, a dickhead, a fucking loser. When Cara died, I remember speaking to the counsellor and telling him I’d never be able to love someone else the same way I loved my wife. He asked me how Jackson and Luna felt knowing I was only capable of loving their older brother seeing he came along first.

At the time, I wasn’t ready to think about having space in my heart to compartmentalise love in the way he said, but I was adamant I loved my kids all the same. Paige has woven her way into my heart in a way I wasn’t expecting. These feelings have emerged, and I don’t know what to do with them. I’m falling for her and imagining her as part of our lives.

Paige seems to like the easy option. And yes, it’s far easier to pretend we’re friends with benefits who have an expiry date rather than admit I want Paige as part of our lives. I wasn’t thinking straight from after the match on Saturday until, well, I still don’t think I’m thinking straight. I told Paige I wanted something simple, something easy, but this is not simple or easy.

I doubted my abilities when it came to sex, but I needn’t have. After going without for so many years, it’s hardly a surprise I didn’t last long to begin with. Only having the two condoms Silver had given me didn’t help. Sunday morning, I felt like my balls were bluer than they’d been Saturday night at dinner.

It’s clear people have done a number on Paige because of her size. I really don’t care if she’s a size six or size twenty-six, or something in between as she is. She couldn’t believe I’d found clothes to buy her on Sunday morning. She couldn’t believe I revelled in stroking and feeling her flesh between my fingers. And don’t get me started on her tits. They are perfection.

Sunday afternoon, we strolled into the city and went to watch a movie. I can’t even remember what the movie was about, as Paige and I sat in the back row and made out for almost two hours. We had to sit through the credits, and I had to think of player stats to get my boner under control before we left and enjoyed dinner at a sushi train restaurant we came across.

Monday, we checked out of the hotel, made our way towards Bayview Cove, and stopped at a café overlooking the bay for brunch. I couldn’t help but sweep Paige’s hair behind her ear when the wind caught it as she was eating her scrambled eggs, and held her hand as we walked to and from my car. It was, well, domestic.

The domesticity continued after we recorded the podcast, with Paige stopping at hers to grab a bag of clothes before coming out to mine for the night. I impressed her with my kitchen skills and showed her how easy it was to whip up a quick bowl of pasta.

I can’t get enough of her body. It’s not just the sex either. It’s lying with her, or curling on the couch as we watch some weird European detective show she’s hooked on. She didn’t complain when I wanted to watch a footy wrap-up show on Monday evening either, mainly because I knew Matty was on the panel this week. She cheered when he gave a plug to our podcast.

I spoke with the kids, who are having a ball at Lovemore Gap. Murray’s been giving Billy driving lessons on the tractor. It’s how I learnt to drive when I was Billy’s age. Jackson had been to a local footy clinic put on by the local League. I was surprised when he said Basha was out there with a couple of our younger players and will make a note of slapping him across the head for not telling me. No doubt the PR department mentioned it, but they know my fractious history with my hometown.

Luna told me all about the flowers in Gaga’s garden and how she’s saving some to bring home for Paige. I think she’s got a bigger crush on Paige than I do.

Mum tried to tell me about some local gossip. Someone’s daughter’s off the market and getting married and will move to his place at Bunyip Falls. Bunyip Falls is the large town about twenty kilometres from Lovemore Gap. Technically, Cara’s family property is within its bounds, but there’s always been a rivalry between the two places.

I gave noncommittal noises when Mum asked about Paige and changed the conversation to Murray and what time he’d be home with the kids today. Paige had been sitting with me, but there was no way I was letting on that was the case.

After dropping her at work yesterday morning, I headed to training and heard all about the training day with the kids at Lovemore Gap. Silver asked me how my weekend had been, and I told him it had been good. What an understatement. I’d like to say my teammates aren’t gossips, but the reality is they are, they just aren’t as public about it as other teams. No doubt they all know Paige and I were having dinner together on Saturday, but there’s no way I was going to tell them we’d spent every night together since then.

Last night, Paige cooked for me. It was some sweet savoury mince dish, which she called sloppy joes. It wasn’t so bad, but I doused mine in HP Sauce to try to hide the sweetness of the soup and whatever else she added.

She doesn’t have the footy channels on her TV, but we watched another episode of the series we’ve been enjoying. I wanted to stay with her, but she didn’t invite me. It’s probably for the best. We’ve gone from zero to one hundred pretty quickly.

I farewelled her with kisses. We were perfect heights as I stood on the ground, and she stood on the step into her flat. And man, can she kiss! It’s like fireworks were shooting off with our lips pressed together, and our tongues intertwined with each other. I feel like I’m sixteen again.

The kids are due home this afternoon. I had an early training session at the club, then did my weights and had a strategy meeting with some of the coaching staff. In between activities, I’ve been texting Paige. She’s agreed to leave work early to come home with me to see the kids.

Paige

Just remember, no PDA in front of them.

I’ve reread her last text over and over, and it’s like having a bucket of cold water thrown over me. She’s told me she doesn’t do children, and yet she’s agreed to come out tonight. It makes little sense, but I’m not here to make sense of what’s going on. I’ve missed the kids, but I also miss Paige when she’s not around.

Paige has agreed to stay tonight. Murray never stays when he comes to Bayview Cove. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he’s getting some when he’s in town, hence his insistence on staying at a hotel. He drives all this way for a meeting every week that he could attend online. But I don’t ask. He might stay for dinner.

I’ve grabbed the makings of fajitas before I stop to grab Paige. I’m so glad Mum taught us all to cook. She was dismayed Dad couldn’t even boil an egg, so she was determined we wouldn’t end up like him. Paige has mentioned she likes Mexican food, and I know the kids will eat it, so I hope I’m onto a winner.

Hey, got a park a few places down from SleekSpeak. Want me to come in to get you?

Paige

All good. I’ll be out in a few.

I can’t concentrate on the podcast I’ve been trying to listen to, so I switch to the local radio station. The news comes on, and instead of turning it off like I usually would, I pause when I hear a familiar name. It appears Lyle J has offended a religious group by calling them zealots or something and suggesting they’d be happier if they got laid more. I can’t understand his logic, and I also can’t say I like the guy, but he sure likes to court controversy. I don’t know how Paige put up with him. Before she gets here, I flick it to stream music from my phone.

“Hey.” Paige climbs into my car and fastens her seatbelt.

“Hey, yourself.” I lean across and plant a kiss on her lips. Her cheeks turn red.

“The windows are tinted, if you’re concerned,” I offer, one side of my lips turned up.

“It’s just…” Paige pauses, and her brow furrows. “Never mind.”

“You sure?” I ask her, and she nods, but her smile is only half there. “You don’t have to come out this evening if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t mind, really. I mean, I’ll be staying with you all next week, so I should get used to being around the kids.” Paige bites the edge of her bottom lip.

“You’re great with them, and they really like you,” I try to reassure her. I don’t think she looks convinced.

A text comes through from Murray—well, I think Billy’s typed it, based on the spelling?—?saying they’re about half an hour away. I squeeze Paige’s leg before placing both hands on the wheel, indicating, and pulling out to head home.

I’ve shown Paige the guest room and flicked the switch on the kettle when I hear tyres on gravel, showing my brother is here with my kids. Duchess barks as she’s let out of the ute. She loves visiting Lovemore Gap with the kids, and I hear squeals from both Jackson and Luna.

“Paige, they’re here,” I call out, but she’s heard them too and is exiting the room off the family area. How am I going to sleep tonight, knowing Paige is sleeping under the same roof, but not in my bed? I’ll have to get used to it for next week, I suppose.

The front wire door squeaks as we head outside. I think wire doors to farmhouses are meant to squeak, and I’ll never oil it to make the welcome noise go away.

“Who are you again?” I ask Luna as I grab her and hoist her into the air. She’s really too heavy for me to keep doing this, but I consider it to be part of my weight training.

“Daddy,” she sing-songs as she giggles before I bring her down, and she wraps her arms around my neck and kisses my cheek.

“Missed you, bubs,” I tell her.

“Paige!” I’m deafened as Luna screams into my ear when she sees my, well, friend.

My daughter scrambles down from my arms, runs back to Murray’s ute, reaches in to grab something, and returns with a sad-looking bunch of flowers.

“These are for you, Paige. They’re from Gaga’s garden, but Jacko sat on them.”

“They’re beautiful.” Paige brings the arrangement to her nose and inhales. “They smell delightful, too.”

“Junior Jr.” My brother greets me with a handshake. He knows I hate the nickname. All firstborn Lovemore sons have been called William, going back many, many generations. My granddad is Bill, his father was Senior, and my dad was Junior, hence Murray’s iteration of my name. It amuses me because he’s the one who could never settle on Will for me as a child and added the ‘-o’ to the end, which has well and truly stuck.

“Mustard.” I pat his back in a sort of hug. Murray gets Muz or Muzza from many people, but I prefer to call him after the condiment that he hates. Billy is throwing a ball for Duchess, but he has waved at us, and there’s no sign of Jackson. “Did you forget one?” I ask.

“Nah, Wacko Jacko’s asleep.”

Great. Now he won’t sleep tonight.

“Oh, Paige.” I realise she hasn’t met this brother yet. “This is Colonel Mustard, my younger brother. Murray, this is Paige.”

“Mustard? Do you get Australian mustard, and is it hot like the English stuff or mild like the French?” Paige asks as she smiles and reaches out a hand to shake his .

“Most of the time, he’s the seedy one,” I quip, but Murray shakes his head. He’s a quiet one, especially around people he doesn’t really know.

“Everyone knows Junior Jr’s the hot one.” Murray smirks, and I can see Paige is taken in by him. All three of us Lovemore guys have been blessed with good-looking genes. Damn these kids for being around. I want to stake my claim by placing my arm around her shoulders.

“Staying for a cuppa?” I ask him as Jacko stumbles out of the ute, rubbing his eyes.

Murray looks at his watch. “Yeah, I’ve got a few minutes.”

“Hey, Dad. Hey, Paige.” Jackson’s hair is pointing in all directions as he comes and gives me a hug. Luna and Paige are engrossed in a conversation I can’t hear, but Paige is smiling as she chats with my daughter. Luna is so taken with Paige, not that I can blame her.

We head inside, all stopping to remove our boots and shoes. “Bloody hell, Lover Boy, you haven’t even got a fire going.” Murray rubs his upper arms. The central heating is on, and I don’t know what he’s complaining about.

“We just got home, but be my guest.” I wave my arm towards the potbelly stove in the family area.

Murray kneels down and arranges newspaper, twigs, and other kindling, making it look like a work of art. I have to laugh when he then throws a firefighter in, as if he doesn’t trust his own fire-making skills.

“We, hey?” A sardonic grin creeps across my brother’s face as he strikes a match before lighting the fire, adding some small bits of wood to keep it going.

“Luna wanted to see Paige, and she doesn’t have a car, so I picked her up after work,” I say, a defensive tone in my voice.

“Whatever you need to tell yourself.” Murray shakes his head. “Where is she, anyway?”

I flick the switch to reboil the kettle—don’t tell my mother, who believes water should only be boiled once—and head down the passageway towards Luna’s room. I pause as I glance in and see Paige and Luna sitting on the bed, Paige brushing my daughter’s hair. Their backs are to me.

“I can’t tell Daddy because he gets sad, but we took some flowers out to Mummy’s, Auntie Snoozie’s, and Pops’ graves. Gaga said that the wattle tree is going to bloom soon, and they were Mummy’s favourite, which is why there’s a wattle tree there. And a gum tree because that was Pops’ favourite, and some other tree that Auntie Snoozie liked.”

My heart catches as I listen to my daughter. I’ve often wondered how my grief has impacted my kids’ lives. It was too painful to head out to the farm once Dad died, and staying away has become easier than facing my demons. Mum’s sent me photos of the graves with their headstones, but I’ve not been out in person since we lowered my wife’s casket into the ground.

“You know Daddy loves you very much, don’t you, Luna-Lou?” Paige asks as she braids my daughter’s hair. Luna nods. “He also loves Billy and Jackson.”

“And Duchess, don’t forget Duchess. And the cows and the sheep, but not the ram from Mr Montgomery’s place because, actually, I don’t know why.” She shrugs her shoulders as Paige ties an elastic in the end of the plait. “Oh, and he loves you, too,” she says all matter-?of-?factly.

I creep back down the corridor, fearing that my feelings towards Paige may well be heading in the direction my daughter is talking about.

The only thing worse than losing a game is losing it interstate to a team that is near the bottom of the ladder. I played like shit. I was tagged all night, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t clear the ball, or even get close to it half the time, as my opponent was always there.

I shook his hand afterwards and congratulated him on a great game. I’ve been averaging twenty-eight possessions per game, and today, I got seven. What’s worse is Paige and the kids were watching on and would have seen me almost lose my temper on the ground.

“Hey, Dad.” Billy greets me in the rooms after the game, looking more disappointed than I feel, and that’s saying something.

“Hey, mate. Did you catch up with Cy?” Cyrus is Basha and Angelique’s eldest child and a year younger than Billy. He and his siblings flew up with Angelique this morning.

Billy nods. I see Paige talking with Jenna and Bel, Luna playing with Bel’s daughter, Ellie.

“Hey, Buds.” I ruffle Jackson’s hair as he sees me and comes to me. “Why the long face?”

“You lost.” Jacko spits out the words, his eyes wide, as if I hadn’t even caught that we were beaten comprehensively.

“Yeah, we did.” I nod, crouching down to his level. “But we had fun. I didn’t get as much of the ball as I wanted, and it was frustrating at times, but I still enjoyed myself, and I’ll still play our next game if they’ll have me.”

It’s true. I love playing. We’ve had seasons where we’ve scraped into the finals and lost more games than I would have liked, but my love for the game has shone through whenever the team has been through a slump, and losing one game today doesn’t put us in a slump.

Crouching is not good for my knee, so I move to sit on the floor, a son on either side of me. “I know we can’t win every week. Yeah, I would have preferred it to be closer, but I know we’ll work on some things in the coming weeks, and the coaches will no doubt get up us, but we’ve got five days on the Gold Coast now to look forward to.”

“I suppose.” Billy shrugs a shoulder. “What are we going to do down there?”

“You mean apart from the theme parks?” I ask him, my brows raised.

“Yeah. I mean, Luna keeps saying that she and Paige are going to have their nails painted, and she and Paige are going to see that stupid Disney movie, and she and Paige are going to go shopping.”

I can’t work out if Billy is upset that Paige is going to be with us all, that she and Luna might have some things planned—even if I suspect they are all Luna’s wishes—or if he wants to spend some time with her.

“I thought I might get my nails done. Like my toenails. Have them painted purple and gold,” I suggest.

Jacko laughs. “Just your toes?”

“You think Basha might get his nails painted?” I ask him.

“I’m up for nail painting.” Matty plops down on the ground next to Billy. Ellie’s always painting them for me, anyway. “You talking about what we’re going to do this week?”

“Yeah.” Billy nods, his face one of seriousness.

“Well, you know how your dad hates golf?” Matty asks Billy, who raises one side of his lips and nods. “Well, I thought we could do mini golf, because I think he’d be terrible at it.”

“Can we go to the beach?” Jacko leans across me, clearly more interested in Matty’s plans than any I might have made.

“Mate,” Matt laughs, “our apartments are on the beach. I’m all up for spending hours there, too.”

“Hey, Basha,” Matty calls across the room, causing our teammate to wander towards us. “Us boys are having our nails done tomorrow. Lover Boy is a little bit precious and thinks he’s only getting his toes done, but I’m going purple and gold on my fingers. You up for it?”

“Does a bear sh… I mean crap in the woods?” Basha looks at us sitting on the ground. “Now you lazybones, our coach is almost here, so we need to get a wriggle on.”

Basha and Angelique organised a small bus for us all to travel the hour south to the Gold Coast. We figure we can hire cars down there if we need to, but our apartments are central to most of what we’ll need, and we can arrange transport to the parks.

I stand and brush the back of my shorts, not sure if there’s any dirt on them, before heading towards Paige and Bel. Angelique has also joined them.

“Apparently, our carriage awaits,” I tell them.

“Paige was saying you’re not recording the podcast this week.” Bel frowns at me .

Kim didn’t want us bringing the equipment with us, which is fair enough, I suppose.

“Nah. Week off. We’ll record next week and have lots to talk about after our time off.” I shrug, my actions mimicking Billy’s from before.

“I thought that was why Paige was coming with us.” Angelique grins, her hand on Paige’s arm.

Paige looks uncomfortable as the women talk about us, albeit surreptitiously.

“Paige is here because she wants to be here.” I hope. “Plus, she’s never been to the Gold Coast, and the kids like having her around. I enjoy having her around,” I add, catching her eyes and seeing a small smile there.

“You enjoy having her around?” Bel laughs. “We love having her around, don’t we, Ang?”

Angelique nods. “And tomorrow, Bel and I are taking Paige to a spa day. I think you guys should be able to wrangle all the kids for a bit?”

I’m glad these women have taken Paige under their wing, but I’m wondering when I’ll see her this week.

I thought that heading down in the coach I might get to sit with Paige, as Luna and Olivia, Basha and Angelique’s daughter, are thick as thieves. Angelique plonks down next to Paige, and Bel takes the single seat on the other side of the aisle.

The kids take the back of the bus and the women in the middle, leaving the front for the men.

“So, how do the kids like Paige?” Basha asks as he turns his head back to see what his wife is squawking about. I turn and see Bel and Paige wiping tears from their eyes as they laugh at whatever Angelique has told them.

“Luna’s pretty obsessed with her. Jacko thinks she’s cool, but I’m not sure about Billy,” I tell them truthfully .

“Does he not like her?” Matty asks.

I take a breath. “To be honest, I don’t know. I mean, he said she’s okay, but I don’t think he’d be cool with her being my girlfriend or anything.”

“Sorry.” Basha scrunches up his face. “So, she’s not your girlfriend?”

“No. She’s…” I shake my head. “We’re friends.”

“Friends who fuck.” Matty rolls his eyes.

I don’t acknowledge his statement. “She’s going back to New York at the end of the year, and I don’t know if the kids are ready for someone to come into their lives.”

“Bullshit.” Basha all but screams, and the coach driver looks at us through his rearview mirror.

“Language, Sebastian,” Angelique calls in her best teacher's voice, and the women laugh again.

“I think I’m getting detention tonight. Yes!” Basha pumps his fist.

“We’re not interested in your sex life, Bash, we’re interested in his.” Matty smirks.

“Maybe it’s why I played so badly today. Maybe… I dunno.” I rub my eyes with my thumb and fingers.

“Look, McGregor played well on you. You saw the video from last week. He tagged Ricky Faith and limited him to only half a dozen possessions, even if they lost last week. They all played better this week, and they had our measure.” Matty is often the voice of reason, one reason he’s our captain.

I don’t want to think about Ricky Faith though, and I certainly don’t want to be compared to him. Every so often, Paige will mention his name, and I think the two of them are still talking. I don’t want to think about Paige and anyone else. Call it jealousy, but I know I’m going to have to get over it, especially as she’s leaving at the end of the year.

The coach pulls up at the place we’re staying. It’s a stunning hotel, and Matty has arranged for each of our families to have a suite at the top of the high-rise. We score an apartment with the view of the beach .

“The sand’s so white, and the sea’s so blue.” Paige gasps as she looks out the balcony door.

“You have to swim between the flags,” Luna tells Paige, her finger bouncing at her as she makes her proclamation. I try not to laugh.

“I’ve never been to the beach before,” Paige admits.

“No, I want that bed.” Before I can say anything back to her, I hear Jackson and Billy bickering from one of the bedrooms.

“Boys.” I sigh and make my way to the room they’re in. “Let’s check what rooms we’ve got, okay?”

We walk through the apartment. There’s a main bedroom with ensuite and a large bath at one end, two rooms with twin beds, and last, another room with a queen-sized bed with a bathroom that is shared with one of the other rooms.

“Will you sleep in my room, Paige?” Luna looks up and bats her eyes at her.

“Well, I mean, I could,” Paige says. “But it would mean that Billy would probably need to sleep in this room with the big bed, and then Jackson could sleep in the other room at the end of the bathroom.”

“We can use Daddy’s bathroom,” Luna says. My mind immediately drifts to images of Paige in that bathtub, and my cock swells.

“You don’t have to give up your room, Paige,” I tell her.

“I’m not giving up anything.” She crosses her arms across her chest, and I have to look away from her cleavage. “Luna and I can share.”

Billy and Jackson both pump their fists, glad they’ll be having separate rooms. I can’t work out if Paige is doing this as she doesn’t feel worthy of having her own room, if she’s trying to protect herself by ensuring I can’t sneak into her room if Luna is in there, or if she genuinely doesn’t mind sharing a room with a five-year-old. She says she doesn’t do kids, but she seems to manage pretty well with mine.

Our week at the coast goes all too quickly. Paige and I have very little time alone. Both of us are exhausted in the evenings after the kids seem to wake up at the crack of dawn each day. The strip of condoms I packed has definitely come along for the ride.

Paige has spent time with Bel and Angelique, and Matty and Basha have both encouraged their wives to spend time away from their kids and focus on themselves. I know both Basha and Matty are hands-on dads, and I get a wistful feeling when I think that they have the support of a partner in raising their kids. Having Mum and Nicola come and help is one thing, and we’d be lost without Moira, but I miss spending time with someone my age, planning our weeks and talking about how our family’s going.

Tonight is our last night here. Matty and Bel, along with baby Hugo, Basha, and Angelique, have gone out on dates. They wanted to get in babysitters so Paige and I could go out too, but Paige insisted we look after all the kids for them. I noticed Billy’s smile when Paige suggested this.

I’m going to have to pay extra for cleaners when we check out. We’ve ordered in pizza, and it looks like it’s strewn from one end of our living area to the other. Ellie has spilt juice on the rug, and Basha’s baby, who recently celebrated her first birthday, is overtired.

Heaven knows what Paige is thinking. I remind myself that she offered to look after these kids. Paige is sitting with Jackson and Cy, and they’re both making fun of her accent. I don’t think they realise how much she’s putting on lengthening her vowels and hamming things up, but she’s pretending she doesn’t understand what they’re saying. It’s seriously cute.

“Dad, did you fart?” Billy asks as he finishes yet another slice of pizza. This kid’s got hollow legs, I swear.

“No, but I think someone has filled their pants.” I smell the baby’s bum and am glad there doesn’t appear to be any leakage.

“Sure, Dad.” Billy tries to bite back a grin. He’s the oldest of the kids here and has the other kids copying everything he does. I don’t know if he notices or not, but he’s trying to play it cool. It’s so hard to believe he’ll be in high school next year .

Luna and Olivia want to help me change the baby’s nappy—or diaper, as Paige keeps calling it—so we head into my room. I hope Paige is alright with the other kids.

I leave the girls with the baby on the floor and go to wash my hands. It’s sweet looking at these two and seeing them entertain someone younger than them.

“Well, when your dad marries Paige,” Olivia says, “then they might have a baby, and we could babysit them.”

Fuck. The likelihood of me having babies in my future is slim to none. I haven’t told Paige, because it’s never come up, but I had a vasectomy just after Luna was born. We knew three kids were our maximum, and at the time, it seemed like the ideal solution.

I’ve hardly thought of Cara at all this week. Sure, there have been moments, but not like when I’m at home. I feel strangely okay with this. It’s not like I’m setting out to replace her, anyway. I’ve spoken with Paige. This is a temporary thing we’ve got going anyway, isn’t it?

“Are we going to put the movie on?” I ask as I head back into the room, pretending I didn’t hear Olivia and not giving Luna a chance to respond.