Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Y ou can never truly hate someone unless you love them first.

Many hundreds of years ago, in this exact point in the Otherworld, a battle was fought between a woman called Morgan and me. It won't surprise you to learn that my greatest folly and aggressive nemesis ended up being a beautiful and powerful woman. The stepsister of a promised savior of Britain is not an easy position to be in, and Arthur's shadow was long.

I first met Morgan as a bright-eyed lass in Uther's court. The daughter of his first wife was already a fiercely intelligent lady of the house. She was a headstrong child, but a lovely one, and while I stayed there, Uther insisted I try to instill some education into the girl. She had priests tutoring her, but Uther wanted her to know practical things and be educated in the old ways. We took long walks where I taught her the names of plants and their properties, how to track animals of the forest and where to find water when needed. I told her the stories of our ancient heroes and gods.

"Father says you can do magic, Merlin," she said one day. "Will you teach me that too?"

I tried my best to deny Uther's claim, but she kept asking.

"Why do you want to know magic, little raven?" I asked her one day, pulling on the end of her black braided hair.

"So I can turn into a bird and fly far from here," she told me.

I dismissed the comment as a childish wish. I shouldn't have. When I was leaving, she begged me to stay. I promised I would return, but it was many, many years before I saw her again.

During that time, Uther married again to a woman called Igraine. How that came about is another story again. Be satisfied for now with the knowledge that it happened. From the moment Igraine met Morgan, she was jealous of her. Perhaps it was a twisted kind of intuition. Perhaps, the thing that saved her, but Morgan was sent to a convent in Orkney to teach her about piety and chastity. Either way, Morgan was removed.

I was relieved she was safe from Uther's attentions, but the threat now came from a different quarter. Little did I know that a group of dark Druids had taken refuge on the Isles of Orkney, and there were still Norse shamans living in the north islands. Morgan's wish in the forest years before hadn't been some childish whim. She wanted magic desperately, and her driving need for it meant that she never questioned from what source it was flowing. While I was trying to hide Arthur and keep together a fraying kingdom, Morgan was learning.

When we met again years later, she had changed, and I was worried about the darkness growing in her. I convinced her to leave Orkney with me and become my apprentice.

For two years, we lived together, teaching each other the magic that we didn't know, arguing points of theology, philosophy, astronomy, and everything we could think of. We were confidants, friends, and eventually lovers. She was the first woman I loved after you, and the result was as equally disastrous. Perhaps Hesiod had it right, and Zeus really did make woman so irresistible to punish man for eternity.

Morgan always had an agenda and was working some angle. I was too lovestruck to realize I was just another part of her plan. She wanted the crown, and when Arthur was finally revealed to the world, she resented me for supporting him.

It took me far too long to see how deep that resentment ran. She always used other hands to carry out her dirty work, and by the time I learned the fullness of her treachery, it was too late. She had everything she felt she needed from me and when I refused to support her claim to the throne, she declared war on Arthur, anyone associated with his court, and me. To her eyes, I had betrayed her by keeping Arthur safe until it was time to declare his kingship, and she wouldn't listen to reason.

I think a part of her truly loved me. Otherwise, she would never have hunted me so viciously. Morgan was clever enough to know that I was the only one alive that posed any real threat to her.

I never showed her Gwaed Lyn. Never told her about where I came from or what blood flowed in my veins. I always wondered what had stopped me, but deep down, I knew it was because she loved power more than anything else in the world, and exposing her to the ancient secrets of Gwaed Lyn would have led to the eventual destruction of both. Eli was still in full protection mode, and he guarded Gwaed Lyn and its occupants with a brutal ferocity. He never would have allowed Morgan to threaten it.

For the entirety of Arthur's life, Morgan and I fought in the shadows, an almost invisible game of chess, neither one of us able to get the upper hand for long. I did my best to keep Albion together magically, while Arthur fought to keep its people safe. I loved him like my own flesh, and Morgan knew it.

On the day he…he was wounded, I was protecting a creature that wore his face. I wasn't there when he needed me. When I finally saw my error, it was too late, and he was dying. I did the only thing I could. I put him in a place between life and death and hid him away where friend or foe would never find him.

I went after Morgan with a single-minded rage. Nothing and no one would stand in the way of my revenge. I hunted her twice as fiercely as she'd ever hunted me. Albion's land was in my blood and bones, and there was nowhere her feet could touch that the land didn't tell me about it. She crossed into the Otherworld in an attempt to throw me off her scent with little success.

I finally cornered her on top of the Tor. It's one of the few places that the two worlds brush each other, and one where you could access the power of both.

I don't have to speak of the savagery with which we fought one another. With a lifetime of pain, regret, and anger, we tore each other apart with words and blades and magic. We both drew on the power of the land to sustain us, and the worlds shook with every clash.

I weakened her to her breaking point, and even though I heard the voice of my god telling me it was over, and to have mercy, my anger wouldn't allow her to live. My power burned through her quicker than any witche's pyre. I didn't stop until she was ashes, and then I dispelled them to all the corners of the world.

It was only hours afterward when the rage and exhaustion had subsided that I saw what I had done to the land and my soul. They were as dead as each other.

To try to restore some of the balance to the worlds, I created a game that would lock those with too much power into it so they would be forced to play by rules and not have the ability to cause the damage Morgan and I had wrought. It was another of my many follies, and thankfully, the game too has been destroyed.

I put my magic into the land of this place so it would not die completely. I placed standing stones around the site as a warning to all. Only the tower remains of the church that was built in this world to counteract the evil that was done there. Evil like that lingers, and for centuries, while I lay in my memoryless state, evil was still done here.

For my disobedience for not sparing Morgan's life when I was told to, the Almighty cursed me never to be able to die. It won't shock you to know that I've tried to kill myself more than once. I placed my hand into the waters of the dead and walked away. I had a Death God try to steal my soul for his own with no success.

Now that I have my memories back, I know that I've been blessed from birth with a long life, but even with that, a well-placed sword thrust would end me. Not to have that option now, to know that I'd live through any torment or sickness that would strike me…that is a true curse.

So that is that. If I don't find a way to earn the Almighty's forgiveness, when the world ends and there is nothing left but ashes and dust, here I will remain with all the other burned and broken things.

Nimue walked slowly around the tower on top of the Tor, her fingers lightly brushing over the cold stonework. Eldon had finished his story and at her request brought her there. She knelt down and touched the earth again, her eyes closed.

"I can feel the residue of the battle, even in this world," she said slowly. "You must've given this place at least half of your magic to stop it from dying completely."

"I did. It's one of the reasons I put a memory spell on myself. If my enemies knew I'd lived past that day, that I had lost so much of my power, they would have picked my corpse clean."

"Magic is returning to the Unseelie. You will grow strong again. If you ever needed it, could you draw the magic from this place?"

"I suppose I could," Eldon said thoughtfully. "But it would have to be a dire situation for me to want to risk it. No. I carry enough guilt over what I've done to this place."

"That's not what you carry guilt over," Nimue said, standing again. "The loss of magic is regrettable, but it's not what you struggle to find absolution for. It's Morgan. You loved her, and you wanted to save her, but in the end, you destroyed her because you were the only one who could." She placed her hand on his chest, her fingers tangling in his scarf.

"Mourn for the woman you loved, but do not grieve over the monster you killed. You took your memories away because it hurt too much to remember, the same way you gave yourself over to the forest when Deryn died. Forgetting is what you do, but it fixes nothing. Make peace with your past and move on. If you don't, it will continue to cripple you and make you weak. The Autumn Queen sniffs out weakness like a bloodhound, and she'll use your memories to destroy you."

"Don't you understand? I'm already destroyed and what's left is barely more than a memory," Eldon said, the wind pulling his words to the sky.

The grounds of Gwaed Lyn were still when they returned to the lake and walked through the nighttime forest in silence. Eldon tried to ignore the deep ache inside of him. Telling the story had been like draining an abscess. The toxicity had gone but had left a gaping wound in its place. It was itching, and a part of him knew what he had to do, but he didn't know what it would mean if he did.

"Thank you for taking me out tonight," Nimue said, pausing on her way up the stairs to her room. "I know it couldn't have been easy for you to tell that story, especially to me." She hesitated, biting her lip before adding, "It wasn't your fault, so you need to forgive yourself for it. You're not a monster. You just made some bad choices."

"I could give you that same advice," Eldon said, moving up the stairs until they were at an equal height. "Deryn's death wasn't your fault either. The Queen and Ryn manipulated you into it. For what it's worth, I forgive you for whatever role you were forced to play."

Nimue's arms went around his neck, her fingers burying into his raven hair. "Thank you, Merlin."

He put his arms around her, bringing the warmth of her body closer to him. "Just don't put me in a tree again."

Nimue threw back her head and laughed, her magic flaming gold under her skin. Before he could listen to any of the voices telling him it was a bad idea, he kissed her. He had kissed many women in his long life, but her lips were the only ones he remembered the curve and feel of. In that moment, he gave himself over to the summer harvest taste of her.

Gods, he had missed her . When they separated, there was a shocked smile on her face.

"Looks like some things will never change," she whispered. She ran her fingers down his high cheekbones before she stepped out of the circle of his arms. "Goodnight, Merlin."

He kissed her hand. "Goodnight, Nimue."