Seventeen

No, I am not ready , I think as I trail behind Jude to his brother's front door. Sure, he and Gwen know that I know. But now I have to look in my friends' eyes and know they know that I'm privy to their secret. A horrible, terrible secret that could get Joel permanently kicked off the team. Basically, there's just a lot of mutual knowing going on and now my stomach is sick as I try to wrap my mind around it all.

But that's the thing about secrets. At first, you hide the truth because you think it's the path of least resistance, then you quickly find that traveling down this road comes with a whole different set of problems ripe with a thick, dump truck-level layer of guilt.

Add onto that layer yet another secret that involves making out with your friend's twin and you've got a messy secret sandwich that sounds way more appetizing than it actually is. Ugh.

After three hard knocks, Joel's front door swings wide and reveals a very pale Gwen. "Jude, what's—" Gwen's question dies upon impact as soon as she sees me. Her auburn lashes flutter as her wide eyes flit back and forth between me and Jude.

I try for a placating smile. "It's okay, Gwen."

In a show of silent surrender, Gwen nods and steps back. "Come on in." The fact that she won't meet my eyes is like a lance through my heart. Does she think I'll rat them out? As soon as the door closes behind me, she says, "So it's true, then."

"That I know?" I turn toward her.

She shuffles forward, arms wrapped tightly around her midsection. "Yeah." Finally, she meets my eyes. "Look, Chantelle. I'm sorry about this, but…" She bites her lip, probably unsure of what to say.

"You don't need to explain anything to me," I assure her. "Jude already explained the situation."

"And?" Joel asks, gaining our attention. "Are you going to tell Coach?"

Thick tension fills the room before I shake my head. "It's not my secret to tell. But Joel, you have to know that even a scout would understand an injury like this."

"It's not that simple, and you know it." His eyes, so much like Jude's that I can't deny how easily they've fooled everyone, stay locked on me. "Any injury, no matter how small, could affect my long-term career. And I'm not going down when the pros are just within my grasp. If the team catches wind of it—"

"They won't," Jude says with finality. "No one has suspected me yet." His eyes briefly meet mine and he winces. "Well, no one but Chantelle."

And let"s not forget that Ronnie saw us together, which means I"ll need to explain everything to her too. I"m not about to say that out loud, though.

"And how did you figure it out?" Joel asks, eyeing me like I might run to my dad and blurt out his secret any second.

"I don't know, I just…" Lifting a shoulder, I look between the three of them. Joel and Gwen's expressions are expectant, curious. But I hate revealing the truth about my weird personality. The idiosyncrasies that make me focus on tiny, insignificant details. "I just pay attention to details, so I could tell Jude played differently than you."

Joel gives his brother a slow nod. "You are way worse than me on the ice."

Jude rolls his eyes, and Gwen slaps Joel's arm. "Stop, you know he's doing amazing."

"I'm not," Jude says with a long, tired sigh. "I'm barely holding my own. So you're gonna need to heal as soon as possible. Kenzie might kill me if this goes on for much longer."

At hearing the name Kenzie, my entire body coils tighter. An ugly green festering feeling slithers through me when I think about Jude being with Kenzie, his gorgeous and slender skating partner when he was just making out with me. I'll never admit to stalking her social media page and watching the many, many videos of the two of them skating together, Jude's hands all over her body, lifting and spinning her in a graceful, romantic display.

Her videos have thousands of comments from people asking if they're a couple, and she never confirms or denies it. Which sparks that oozy green feeling every time I think about Jude and Kenzie spending time together.

"So why are you guys back so early?" Gwen asks, dragging me out of my jealousy.

"Joel got a flat tire," Jude responds.

"At Archer's?"

Jude nods, then Joel tosses his head back and grabs his cell off the counter. "I'll go call a tow truck." He disappears down the hall, punching numbers on his phone.

Gwen moves toward me and squeezes my hand. "Thank you, Chantelle. I can't express how much your silence means to me—to us." All at once, her face pales and she places a hand over her mouth. "Excuse me, you guys." She hurries to a door down the hall, disappearing behind it.

"Morning sickness," Jude explains, and I wince. Silence stifles the air around us as we both stand there awkwardly. Neither one of us is bold enough to hold the other's gaze, so I clear my throat, determined to put an end to whatever happened between us tonight.

"I guess I'd better get going," I say, hitching a thumb awkwardly over my shoulder. "I'm sure I'll see you around."

I get three steps toward the door when Jude sighs too loud to be ignored. "Chantelle, wait."

I stop with a hand on the front door, but I'm not brave enough to turn around and face him. Squeezing my eyes closed, I murmur, "Hm?"

In the next instant, the heat from his body meets my back. He's not touching me, but he's close enough that my skin buzzes with his nearness.

He leans forward over my shoulder as his breath tickles my neck. "Do you regret what we did earlier?"

My shoulders sag a bit at his question, my body swaying toward him, craving his touch. With my eyes closed, I envision how tangled up we were in the shadows of Archer's front porch, glued to each other like neither one of us wanted to let go.

I swallow, lick my lips, then try for a careful answer. I don't want to put myself out on a limb if he's not ready to go all in for me. I learned that lesson the hard way with Lex.

"I don't want to regret it," I say, honestly.

He's silent for a second before my skin registers his finger trailing down my arm. Goosebumps prickle in its wake. "And what would make you regret it?"

Visions of him and Kenzie gliding across the ice together hand in hand race through my mind. Their faces close together, his hands on her waist, her legs…

"I would regret kissing you if you were with someone else." I pause, holding my breath. When he doesn't immediately respond, I turn and meet his blue gaze. "Are you?"

His hooded eyes drop to my lips as he shakes his head. "I wouldn't have kissed you if I was."

I'm not sure what possesses me, but I flatten my palms against his chest, then skate them up to fiddle with his shirt collar. "So you and Kenzie…"

His smile hitches at the corner, bringing out a dimple in his cheek. "We're just partners. But it's cute that you're jealous."

I frown. "I am not jealous."

"Hey, it's nothing to be embarrassed about." His stupid smirk grows as his hands settle on my waist. "Would it help to know that I wanted to deck Jones when I saw you and him in the hallway together?" I swear Jude's blue eyes darken to molten indigo pools as they skim over me.

"Y-you did?"

His chin dips slowly, and so does his gaze. "I did. Just the thought of you with that jerk makes my blood boil. I"m sorry for bringing him up tonight."

My hands reach up and toy with the hair at the nape of his neck. "You know you guys have to play his team again next week."

"I know." He sighs. "Will you be there?"

Running my hands up his neck, I smile when he shivers. "I go to most away games. Ronnie and I are getting a room together for this one."

His expression turns thoughtful as he tugs me up against him. There's not a speck of room between us now, and I have to admit that I love the way Jude's toned body feels against mine. "Do you think Lex will try to contact you?" He ventures the question almost hesitantly.

I bite my lip, debating whether I should tell Jude the truth about Lex. But if I want this…whatever it is…between us to be real, beginning with honesty seems important. Especially with all the other lies we're keeping from those we love.

"He already has," I admit. "He's texted me a few times since I last saw him."

Jude's eyebrows arch over his wide eyes. "He's trying to get you to see him after the game, isn't he?"

I nod, pulling my mouth tight. "I haven't given him any reason to think that I would, though. I've been giving him one-word answers to everything he's sent me."

"Why did you two break up?"

I squeeze Jude's neck and turn my face away. "Because we wanted different things. I wanted commitment and he wanted to flirt with every female within a ten foot radius of him."

Jude grips my chin and tilts my face toward him. "He's an idiot, peanut. An utter fool. Any guy who has you and wants someone else doesn't have the ability to cherish what's right in front of him. You deserve more than that."

Against my will, my vison goes blurry. I can't even remember the last time I cried. I'm not a super emotional person, never have been. Yet Jude's tender words and unyielding touch create a perfect storm that wreaks havoc on my emotions.

"If you'll let me, I'll show you."

I blink away the tears at Jude's gravelly voice and grip his collar again. "Please."

Without wasting another second, I pull him down to meet my lips, and we're tumbling together again, lost in a frenzy of passion and attraction, and something deeper still. As his mouth slants over mine with precision, I can't help but feel like this isn't some fling or short-lived romance. It's real, strong, and already blazing permanent scars on the surface of my heart.

I've never given in to attraction like this before, never allowed myself the freedom to get lost in another person so soon. Kissing Jude makes me feel weightless, free, exhilarated—just like when I'm riding my motorcycle.

After I'm breathless and filled with a heady sense of delirium, Jude pulls away and runs a hand down his face. "You need to go. Before we get caught."

I nod, then place a quick peck on his cheek. "All right."

"See you at practice?"

I smile over my shoulder as I open the front door. "Maybe. Either way, you'll see me soon."

Warm satisfaction flows through me as I take in Jude's red cheeks against his pale skin. "See you later, then." He sends me a wink, then I'm out the door, gazing up at the stars with a giddy, girly smile that couldn't be wiped off if I tried.

It's possible that I now have a secret boyfriend. The thought settles in when I hop on my bike and start down the road, bringing that thick layer of guilt bubbling up to the surface once again. "Oh, crap."