Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

K iera ignored the dating app on her phone for a week or so. She was starting to suspect that the love of her life wasn’t waiting for her inside a mobile phone app after all. And even if they were, did she really want to spend the rest of her life telling people she had met her significant other by swiping right? Which was how she ended up on a night out in Sparks, a gay club on Hurst Street, the heart of Birmingham’s gay quarter, with Charlie. They were three gins in and Kiera was beginning to feel pleasantly woozy.

“The thing is,” said Charlie, his white, perfectly-fitting shirt glowing in the UV lights, “lesbians are just getting it all wrong.” He was shouting to make himself heard over the pounding bass.

“Nothing like a sweeping generalisation there,” replied Kiera with a wry smile.

“What? I can’t hear myself think in here,” said Charlie, before ushering her into an outdoor space where anyone who wanted to talk or vape or both was taking refuge from the beat .

“I said,” said Kiera, “you can’t reduce me to my sexuality like that. And anyway, what are lesbians getting all wrong?” She was curious in spite of herself.

“Well, you know how it is, gay men don’t expect to settle down. Makes life simpler.”

“I don’t even know where to start with that one.” Kiera swayed as she tried to organise her thoughts. She leaned against a wooden post. “You’re now reducing yourself and every other gay man to an outdated stereotype and you know it.” She put her gin on a table and folded her arms. “You know it,” she repeated.

“Ok, Mrs-smarty-pants, but it’s working for me though,” said Charlie, and as if on cue one of the barmen walked past and winked at him. “My salt and pepper George Clooney hair is a hit with the boys.”

“Ok. One – he was about half your age. Two – what about Ralph?”

Charlie’s face darkened. “Uncalled for and not fair.”

“I’m just saying, things don’t always remain the same.”

“Ralph was decades ago.”

“Eight years ago.”

“Whatever,” said Charlie, downing his drink. “Ralph was a disaster and I won’t make that mistake again.”

Kiera shrugged. She felt an edge of guilt for raising the spectre of Charlie’s ex-husband, the man who’d broken Charlie’s heart. He’d never really got over it. He never mentioned Ralph, and normally Kiera followed his lead.

“So, what? Here’s to hedonism?” said Kiera, raising her glass.

“Here’s to that,” agreed Charlie. “Time for cocktails, darling.”

If Kiera had been woozy before she was now definitely wobbling a little. They had returned to the dancefloor, but eschewed the hardcore dance music for the room playing noughties pop classics. There was nothing like a bit of cheesy music and a daquiri to help you forget about the painful things in life. They danced like they’d used to, in their twenties. Kiera wasn’t sure when she’d started to feel so old.

“This is amazing,” she shouted at Charlie.

“I know,” he said. “Partying is the only answer, darling.”

“I need to go to the loo, but I’ll be right back,” she said, kissing him on the cheek as she went.

The toilets in the club were gender neutral, and very busy. She joined a queue of others whose bladders were calling.

“Oh no, not a queue,” came a voice from behind her. Kiera turned around to see a slim woman with red curly hair down to her shoulders.

“I know. I hope you’ve got a good pelvic floor,” said Kiera, with a smile. The woman laughed and brushed her hand against Kiera’s arm.

“Ha, I wouldn’t know where to find it, let alone check if it’s any good,” she said. She was wearing a black vest top, dark blue denim jeans and a silver chain around her neck.

“Oh, I’m sure you could make an educated guess. I love your eye makeup – so dark and smoky.” It was the kind of remark that Kiera would never have made sober.

“Aw thanks. You’re gorgeous. I love your hair,” said the woman, who reached up to touch it. Kiera stopped for a moment. Was she being chatted up? Was she chatting this other woman up?

“Oh, um, thank you,” she said. “I’m Kiera.”

“I’m Enid.”

“Nice name, very vintage,” said Kiera, trying not to make an Enid Blyton reference that might make her seem even older than she actually was.

“Yes, that’s me, vintage. It’s my birthday, actually.”

“Oh wow, is it really? Happy birthday,” said Kiera, shuffling closer to the cubicles as the queue progressed.

“Thanks,” said Enid, putting her arms around Kiera and kissing her cheek. Kiera wasn’t sure whether it was the alcohol or the feel of lips on her cheek, but she felt a definite tingle.

“Oh look, my turn,” said Kiera.

“Come and have a drink with me when you’re done. Help make my birthday even happier,” said Enid with a cheeky smile.

Ten minutes later, Kiera was trying to persuade Charlie to accompany her to the area of the club in which she could see Enid and her friends clustered. There was a foil balloon bobbing about, too. “Look, darling, they don’t want me there cramping their style. I’d only get in the way. Ooh, is it that one?” he asked, pointing his drink in Enid’s direction.

“Shh, don’t point, she’ll see. Yes, that’s her.” Kiera was trying to look over casually, but was fairly sure she’d failed.

“She’s hot. What are you waiting for?” asked Charlie, giving Kiera a little shove. Enid was smiling at her and Kiera had made eye contact for too long now not to go over, so she smiled back and made her way towards the crowd of young women.

She was just about to open her mouth to ask Enid what she wanted to drink, when the foil balloon that had been bobbing around floated into her eyeline. “21 Today!” it said in sparkly writing, and Kiera stopped.

Twenty-one.

Her smile dropped from her face, and smashed onto the floor .

“Hi,” said Enid, “you ok?”

“Ah, er, yes. Are you having fun?” asked Kiera, looking around for someone or something to rescue her.

“Er, yes. More fun if you join us,” she said with a flirty smile.

“Ah well, good, that’s nice. You’re twenty-one?” Kiera’s palms had started to sweat.

“I know, ancient! Oh well, middle-age approaches,” said Enid, before downing a shot that had just been passed to her by a friend.

“Case in point,” observed Kiera, “I am that middle-aged ancient person.” She smiled, slightly flattered that Enid hadn’t realised she was almost twice her age. “I’m forty-one.” She waited for the surprised expression.

It did not come.

“Oh, don’t worry,” said Enid with a grin. “I love older women.”

Kiera felt her eyebrows shoot up as Enid continued. “Like, it’s totally my thing.” Kiera said nothing. “You know, like in that old film, you’re a milf!”

“Oh my God,” said Kiera, not sure where to start.

“Come on, let’s get a selfie for my Insta stories,” said Enid.

Kiera was feeling increasingly like a Top Trump card, one with a high score for being older and wiser and, perhaps, sexy. She could take the second two, but she was nobody’s milf. While she was completing the thought, Enid was posing for a selfie beside Kiera’s perplexed face. She arranged her features into a smile. “Gorgeous,” said Enid. “So, what now?”

“Hmm. Well, sorry, just came over to say happy birthday, and bye. I have to go,” said Kiera, before turning and walking away as fast as her legs could take her .

“Whoa!” said Charlie, “what was that all about?”

“Don’t look, don’t talk, just get me out of here,” said Kiera, her cheeks red. She didn’t look back to see Enid’s response to her untimely departure. Minutes later they were on the street outside.

“What the fuck?” said Charlie.

“Sorry. It’s just I’m old enough to be her mum. Twenty-one, for goodness’ sake. Ouch.”

“Oh, is that all?”

“All? She made me feel about a thousand years old. Nope, not going there,” said Kiera, trying not to think about how old Enid would have been when she was in her twenties and hanging out in clubs and bars. “All wrong.”

“You are so prim!” laughed Charlie.

“I’m not so sure about that.” Charlie turned in surprise to see a woman he didn’t recognise. Kiera rolled her eyes.

“Clodagh, of course you’re here.”

“Sorry,” she said, softly, “I just couldn’t resist. Don’t worry, I’ll vanish back to where I came from. I don’t think you want to see me right now.”

“Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just having a moment due to being chatted up by someone young enough to be my daughter,” said Kiera. She hadn’t meant to be rude, and now she felt bad.

“There are worse things. But look at it this way, now you’re officially a milf,” Clodagh told her.

“Oh God, not you too,” said Kiera, rolling her eyes.

“Lovely to meet you, my name is Charlie, I think we’re going to get on. Do I know you from somewhere?” Charlie kissed Clodagh on the cheek and laughed. “How do you know Kiera?”

“Possibly,” said Clodagh. “I’m a physio at the QE. I think you came to one of our meetings once.” Charlie nodded in drunken recognition. Clodagh looked apologetically in Kiera’s direction. “We met via a dating app.” She smiled, and then added, “I wasn’t her type, though.”

Charlie’s face registered his realisation that this was the person Kiera had spoken about. “Oh my God, darling, you’re gorgeous,” said Charlie. “More cocktails for us, I think. And for you too, my dear.” He sent Clodagh one of his most irresistible smiles.

He disappeared into the bar next door to the one in which Enid was celebrating her birthday. “Sorry. I will get lost if that’s what you’d prefer,” said Clodagh.

“No, please don’t. It was very good of you to cover for me like that. I didn’t have the energy to explain the actual events. We can definitely drink a cocktail together.” Kiera ushered her to the front door of the bar and they were nodded in by a very tall, very wide drag queen.

“Well, good. Any more dates?” asked Clodagh, as they found a small table to sit at.

“Ugh, no. I’m officially giving up. And by the way, I am not a mum, so I can’t be a milf. Maybe a spinster. I could be a silf?”

“What about wilf? Woman I’d like to…”

“Here we are,” said Charlie, interrupting them with a tray of drinks. “The service here is excellent. Although I think it may be because I used to sleep with the barman’s boyfriend before they got together. He seemed desperate to get rid of me…”

Kiera rolled her eyes. This was all very on-brand for Charlie. From that moment the evening flowed surprisingly well. Kiera hadn’t expected to see Clodagh again, but now she was reminded of her sense of humour and what she had liked about her in the first place .

“I think we should be friends,” she said, as they all hugged goodbye at the end of the evening.

“Deal,” said Clodagh. “I might even be able to find you a girlfriend.”

“Pah, I’m a cost lause. Sorry, lost cause. Too many cocktails. Charlie’s fault,” said Kiera, jabbing Charlie in the ribs.

“Rubbish, you led me astray, darling K. Ooh, that rhymes!”

“Why aren’t you slurring, Charlie?” asked Kiera. He smiled and said nothing. “Ok, taxis.”