Chapter 8

Claudia

Mrs. Funke caught her the next morning when she took Zilla out for a walk. Claudia had even gone the other way and taken the long way around the block, but her neighbor lady had seen her. Almost as if she was lying in wait, watching Claudia's door for movement.

Claudia didn't want to have coffee or biscuits with her, but she couldn't be rude to the woman, either. Instead, she climbed the three steps to Mrs. Funke's small front porch and sat in the old white wicker chair Mrs. Funke waved her into, and waited while the woman went inside to get the coffee.

Zilla, already in seventh heaven, knowing Mrs. Funke would bring him a treat, lowered himself to lay at Claudia's feet. To pass the time, Claudia took her phone from her pocket. She tapped the Love Bites app to open it, prepared to be entertained. Last night, after she had texted with Manrick, she had seventeen males swipe right on her profile. Ten of them weren't even in Whynot—four in Why, three in Because, and three were traveling salesmen, currently passing through the area.

If she were really looking for some action, Claudia would choose one of the three traveling salesmen. Even if they were all snake-shifters selling snake oil. But she wasn't looking for anything other than someone to keep her too busy to hang out with Mrs. Funke. So she had simply discarded all seventeen males. Of the seven left, four were trolls, and Claudia had had a bad relationship with a troll several years before, three were bodybuilders—she had no interest in the activity as a sport or a way to pass time, and really, she didn't love the overly-muscular build most bodybuilders had. The last of those seven was a merman. She had been intrigued by his picture, but being allergic to seafood, Claudia thought it best she stay away from him.

"Here you go, dear."

She put her phone down when Mrs. Funke appeared on the porch again with a silver service tray in her hands. The woman wore a big smile as she plucked a coffee cup from the tray and put it on the small table between Claudia's chair and the vacant one where she would eventually sit. Claudia studied the older woman's gnarly fingers, wrapped around the tray, as she set her own cup down and then reached for a plate of biscuits and honey to set on the table.

Claudia's stomach rumbled, and unfortunately, Mrs. Funke noticed. The woman quirked an eyebrow at her as she turned to go back inside. She would return the tray to her sunshiny bright yellow kitchen and bring a treat for Zilla when she came back to the porch.

"Well, it's a good thing I just took these biscuits from the oven." She beamed at Claudia.

Claudia had cut back on baked goods, because as always, she was watching her figure. But she had to admit the biscuits smelled delicious. When Mrs. Funke ducked back inside the house, Claudia picked up her phone and snapped a picture of the cute little table with the ancient, chipped coffee mugs and the plate of biscuits. Before she could second guess herself, she sent the picture to Manrick.

She caught me again this morning. ?????♀?

She waited until Mrs. Funke returned before reaching for a biscuit. Zilla lifted his head and gently took the dog treat the woman handed him as she sat down. The hot biscuit burned her fingers, but Claudia snitched a bite quickly before slathering honey over it.

"Delicious, Mrs. Funke," she declared.

"Why don't you call me Irene?"

Claudia almost answered that it felt wrong to call her elders by their first names. Thankfully, she caught herself. Maybe once upon a time, Mrs. Funke had been her elder. But they were both old hags now, so what difference did it make?

Locking eyes with the woman, she nodded and offered her a small smile.

Her phone buzzed, but she didn't dare pick it up now. Whether it was a text from Manrick or a notification from Love Bites, it would have to wait. Zilla crunched down his treat—peanut butter banana if Claudia's sense of smell was working—and then slurped some water from the silver bowl Irene Funke kept on the porch just for him.

"Do you ever watch horror movies, honey?"

Claudia nearly choked on her coffee. As it was, the hot liquid scalded its way down her throat. If Irene didn't want to be called Mrs. Funke, Claudia sure didn't want to be called honey.

"Used to," she managed to spit the words out over the fire raging in her mouth and down her gullet.

"Why'd you stop?" Irene held her cup in both hands and tipped it for a tiny sip, shrewd blue eyes on Claudia. "Too scary?"

"Boring," Claudia answered.

"Mm." Irene nodded as she put her cup down. "Agree. But I found one last night that scared the daylights outta me."

"What was it?" Claudia asked, genuinely interested. Living in Whynot, it took an awful lot to scare her, even to just unnerve her.

"Fear Hour."

Claudia worried her lip while she considered the title, but in the end, she could only shrug.

"Never heard of it."

"I hadn't, either," Irene announced. She kept her eyes trained on the biscuit and the honey pot as she helped herself. "I was flipping through the channels. I get tired of that damned FuneralFeud, ya know?"

Claudia fought the urge to squirm when Irene Funke lifted those dark blue eyes to look at her. How were her eyes so dark? Claudia knew nearly all the color had faded from her own irises she was so old. Maybe Irene wore colored-contact lenses.

"Mm-hmm."

"Been watching that so long, I know all the answers ten times over. All reruns," Irene muttered. "Think they could make some new ones from time to time."

Claudia took another sip of her coffee. "What was the movie about?"

Irene harrumphed as she chewed a mouthful of biscuit.

"Hang on. Lemme get the TV schedule. That'll explain it better than I can."

TV schedule?

Claudia watched Irene gain her feet and slip by her to go inside. Weren't TV schedules, programming guides, a thing of the past? Good grief. Was Irene going to bring a newspaper from the 1980s out to show her?

Since she was alone, she picked up her phone to peek at it, expecting more notifications on the app. Instead, she had a text from Manrick. Surprised, and pleased—though she was loath to admit it—she tapped the message icon.

Looks delicious. No one's cooked or baked for me in over a hundred years.

Claudia thought about answering him, but before she could, the screen door opened, and Irene appeared again, and she did, indeed, have a newspaper in hand. It had to be old, didn't it?

"Right there, honey." Irene leaned over her shoulder and pushed the paper at her.

She wasn't looking at a TV schedule. No, Irene's sharp, yellowed fingernail was tapping the actual movie section of the paper. Claudia peeked at the date in the top right corner, shocked to see that the paper was from just two days ago.

Fear Hour.

The movie, starring J. Jon Masters and Launa Killbody, was on again tonight. Claudia read the short description. Found footage of ghouls in an abandoned graveyard. High school students out for a good time.

"And it scared you, Irene?" She looked up and jumped when she found the woman's face so close to her own.

"Sure did."

Claudia nodded. She had an idea of what she might do tonight. And it didn't involve watching Funeral Feud with Irene Funke.