46. Montana

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dYWe1c3OyUlist=RDfNFzfwLM72cindex=10

-I will survive-

”You are mourning,” Pearl said.

She had dragged me out to buy groceries simply because she hadn’t been able to persuade me to go out with the girls the previous night. I had stayed in and eaten a whole bunch of pastries from the bakery and regretted it afterwards.

“I’m not mourning,” I denied and started moving away from her, even though she was dead on the money. Of course, I was. I was never the best person to deal with difficult parents, but this week I had been like a bear with a sore head. I had actually visualized attacking one mother with a pair of scissors! I tried to hide it, but my sadness had been noticed by everyone. From my dad to the other teachers and even some of the students.

The first day after our breakup I went to school nervous about seeing Cole. It was unavoidable, and I spent the entire day bracing myself for it, convincing myself that all I had to do was avoid direct eye contact. But when the moment came and he arrived to pick up Anya, I found that I didn’t even have to ignore him. I didn’t know how he did it, but he behaved as though all the familiarity and intimacy we had shared had all happened in my fantasies.

He was a civil, polite stranger.

I had become Marylin or any of the other women who chased him persistently. He addressed me politely, looked me straight in the eye, and yet he didn’t see me. Or at least, that was what it felt like to me. I marveled at his inhuman ability to pull such an act off. While I hurt so deeply I nearly didn’t know how to contain my pain. I had to escape to my classroom. There I paced the floor for a few moments in distress and confusion. Then I sat at my desk, lay my head on my arms and sobbed.

That was when Pearl came in.

She swore at him until she was blue in the face. I thought I hated him then.

How could he simply wipe me off his mind? It was then I understood. I had been playing at the notion of separation. In my immature, inexperienced mind, we weren’t really separated. We were always going to be attracted to each other and flirt. Sometimes the attraction would get so great we would sleep together. To me the break up was temporary. Perhaps it had even been a way to make him choose. Have all of me or nothing. And he was supposed to come running back and say I want it all because I can’t live without you.

I wasn’t been able to go back to school the next day. It was easy for my father to believe I was sick given how down and sluggish I was the day before. Pearl, Kelly and Natalie had come over outside school time to find me wallowing in the forest. They told me I was in love.

I didn’t believe them.

Or rather, I didn’t want to acknowledge that they were totally right. I told them I couldn’t understand how we could become complete strangers in that way overnight.

Pearl wondered if that was his way of trying to cope as well. But Kelly was more uncharitable. She thought he was being an asshole and completely alienating me so that I wouldn’t get any ideas of proposing a return to what we had before. The most upsetting thing was that he had acted like there was some nonsense magical connection between us. Was it simply because he wanted to get in my pants? My mind was turning dark, but maybe for once I was actually using my brain.

“Hey! Montana!” Pearl called from the bakery counter. She was holding two loaves of bread that she’d been comparing. “You running away from me won”t change facts. Which one?”

I sighed. “The one on the left.”

“Mine or yours?”

“Yours.”

I headed off on my own and went over to the candy aisle to pick up some sweets. Before now, I wasn’t a big fan of sweets, but lately, it was all I could think about. Life had become quite bitter and I was turning to sweets to make me feel better. Kelly said I was being dramatic and I should stop it before I got too fat, but what did she know? I remember quite a few times when she had turned to ice cream and alcohol to make her feel better.

“Dad, look at that!” I heard the familiar voice from a few isles away, and instantly, before I could even realize what I was doing, I had dropped the box of milk chocolates I was holding and hurried after the voice. I didn’t need to speak to him; I just needed a safe glimpse from a distance.

I peeked out from the corner of the aisle, my gaze going around the store in search. It was easy to see everyone at a glance, even though the store was large. All I had to do was look for the tallest head. He was one of the tallest people in town. Before I could zero in on anyone, a sudden smack on my ass startled me.

“Ow,” I complained, turning around to see Pearl looking at me with a curious expression on her face.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Ditching you.”

“Because I was trying to talk some sense into you?”

“Yes,” I replied, turning back to continue my search. “Now go away.”

I saw him then, at the check-in counter. He was waiting in line. I couldn’t see Anya, but I’d heard her voice so I knew she was with him. I didn’t want to feel hurt, but I couldn’t help it. If Anya had seen me, she would have run to me. But this was for the best. He was keeping to what we had agreed, so why did I feel this way? Furious with myself, I turned around and began to storm off.

“Montana!” Pearl called.

“I’ll be waiting in the car,” I said.

I waited in the car with my oversized hood over my head and buried my eyes behind her huge sunglasses. Not long after, Pearl returned. She got in, and instantly I started the car. She held her hand against mine as I turned the ignition and stopped me.

“Hey,” she said softly.

“We don’t need to talk,” I told her. “I know I’m acting out, but I still feel he took things to the extreme. We parted amicably. This avoidance, or whatever the hell this is, is completely unnecessary and fucking aggravating. I’m allowed to feel this way.”

She nodded. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right.”

I was startled since I wasn’t expecting her to agree with me, but to tell me to grow up and snap out of it. Suddenly, I felt so incredibly sad I couldn’t drive, so I got out of the car and went out to the other side. Even though I was too choked to speak she understood. She scooted over and took the keys from me. I managed to hold back the tears until I got home, but the moment I was in, I ran straight to the stables, got into Lola’s box, and tried my best to muffle the truly pathetic sounds coming out of my mouth. Poor Lola, she gazed at me with distressed, mournful eyes.

Why, oh why, hadn’t I just held onto the scraps he was willing to offer?