CHAPTER EIGHT

Loki

A Few Hours Later

With the party in full swing out in the clubroom, the continual thumping of heavy rock music is interfering with my work. That, plus my rapid-cycling thoughts on what happened between Bea and me isn't helping me concentrate. So, I pull on my headphones, turning on the only thing that helps me focus.

It might sound strange, but the original Thor soundtrack by Patrick Doyle, which was performed by the London Symphony Orchestra, is the only thing that puts me deep in the zone. Somehow, it elevates productivity, enhances focus, and stimulates creativity. It's a known fact that techies like to listen to music that lacks lyrics or contains minimal vocals while coding to help reduce distractions and keep us focused on the task at hand.

It makes me feel like my brother, Jason, is here with me, with his hand on my shoulder, guiding me through whatever tech problem needs solving. Which, right now, is trying to solve who the fuck sent Bea these damn emails. I've been trying like crazy to find some kind of trail. Somewhere the sender has fucked up, but whoever it is, they're good at hiding their tracks.

Slumping back into my chair, I slide my hands onto the back of my head and let out a long exhale. "I could really do with your help right now, Jase," I murmur, my stomach clenching as my eyes dart up to a picture of my younger brother and me on the wall on Halloween when we were teens.

Jase dressed as Loki.

Me as Freddy Krueger.

Groaning, I scrub at my face, letting out my frustration, then sit back again, just staring up at the ceiling, feeling the weight of this crushing down on top of me. "I don't know what to do next, Jason… tell me what to fucking do," I mumble, knowing full well he can't hear me.

Clenching my eyes tight, I shake my head, shoving my keyboard away from me in frustration. "You're losing your damn mind, Loki… just think. What would Jason do?"

Letting out a deep breath, I try to focus on how my little brother would have worked this problem. He was always much better at tech than I was. When we were younger, he was the nerd who did all the computer shit.

I only took it up, so I can emulate him.

Follow in his footsteps.

But no one was like Jason.

He would have already had this figured out, recaptured all the clientele information, and then sent a virus or something even worse back to whoever the asshole is that did this to Bea.

Goddammit! What if I can't figure this out?

What if I fail her after everything we've been through?

A sinking feeling flows through me, and I can't help but feel like I'm going to fuck this whole thing up.

The health and wellness app.

Bea.

Maybe even my friendship with Theo.

And with the party raging, I don't want to go out there, so I do the only thing I can think of to help me right now. Reaching for my cell, I unlock it, hesitating upon seeing the time, but I really need this, so I press the call button.

It rings a few times, and then she answers soon after. "Alex? Honey, is that you?"

Closing my eyes, a calmness washes over me almost instantly as I sink into my chair. "Hey, Mom… sorry to call so late—"

"You can call me any damn time you like. Just don't leave it so long between calls next time, please."

Finally smiling, I nod my head. "Yeah, sorry about that. You know how it gets. Life is bus—"

"But never too busy for family, Alex. You know that. We miss you. You haven't been by to see us in months, honey."

Regret surges through me, churning my stomach like a noxious weed, creeping through my soul and taking on a vicious stranglehold. "I'll come see you soon… promise."

Mom is quiet for a moment, then sighs. "You don't sound your normal self. You wanna tell me what's going on?"

She always could read me like a book.

I guess maybe that's why I called her.

Because she knows me so well that maybe I thought she could offer me some genuine advice. I figure it's best to just tell her what's really going on. "Bea's at the clubhouse."

"Oh?" Mom's voice raises like she is excited by this news. "I, uh… have to say this is surprising to hear, considering you two haven't seen each other for… what is it now?"

"Thirteen years," I respond quickly.

"Mm… thirteen years is a long time, honey… um, why is she there exactly?"

My shoulders tense again, and I sigh. "Problems with our app. Big problems. Tech issues that I'm currently trying to fix, but honestly, I don't know if I can. It could be a disastrous problem."

Mom softly hums down the line. "And it's got you thinking about Jason and how he would fix it?"

Resting my head in my hand, I shrug. "I can't live up to him, Mom."

"Oh, honey, you don't ever have to. He wouldn't want that for you. What you need to do is get out of your own damn head. Stop comparing yourself to your brother and do the job that you know how to do the way you know how to do it. Alex, I love you. But the only person who is holding onto the blame…" She pauses for a few seconds before saying, "… is you. It's holding you back. You have to let it go. You have to ."

My bottom lip trembles, my eyes instantly well, and my chest constricts as the breath is knocked from my lungs.

Laughter filled the air of the hospital room as we sat as a family waiting. I'd had my testing done to see if I was a match for Jason, and it came back positive. We finally had it all figured out, and in a couple of days, I would start the process of donating my marrow to my brother to help with his leukemia. I was the only member of the family to positively match, but I would have given anything to him. He's my little brother and my best fucking friend. Seeing him sick, even though he always tried to put on a brave face for us, was the hardest thing to watch.

So, a little bit of marrow was nothing.

They could have it all if it meant he got to live.

Sitting next to him on the bed, I handed him the latest Loki comic that had just landed.

He smirked, tilting his head. "This should keep me occupied for at least half an hour… thanks, man."

Snorting out a laugh, I nudged his side. "Hey, I had to go to five different stores to get this stupid thing for you. They were sold out all over the damn place."

Jason smirked, waggling his brows. "Oh, I know. Why do you think I sent you?"

Mom and Dad laughed as I glared at him. "You're a shithead. Remind me never to do anything nice for you again," I snapped with a huge smile on my face.

Jason shrugged, glancing up at the intravenous drip in his arm. "Guess we better call off the marrow donation then. Can someone get a nurse in here, please? Alex is pulling out!" He chuckled.

Shoving him in the side again, I grinned. "You can't get rid of me that easily."

Jason smiled up at me just as the doctor in charge of the marrow transfer came in for the final consultation. Mom stepped over to greet her as Jason and I continued to mess about, looking at the Loki comic together.

The doctor came to the side of Jason's bed with a genuine smile. "Good morning, how's our patient today?"

Jason grinned wide. "I don't even feel like there's anything wrong with me. I could practically run a marathon," he said, though we all could see by his pale face, red eyes, and taxed breathing that he was anything but.

Jason never wanted us to worry about him, so he put on an act, even if he was in pain doing it. He was the bravest person I knew.

The doctor smiled weakly, checking his vitals, and then turned her attention to me. "Well, I am glad to hear that, Jason, but today, I need to focus on your brother."

Jason chuckled. "That's typical. He's always the favorite," he quipped.

I shoved him again, rolling my eyes. "Whatever! You're only doing this whole leukemia thing for attention anyway," I mocked.

Jason burst out laughing. "You know me, always the center of attention."

Mom stepped forward, placing her hand on my shoulder. "Okay, boys, stop with your banter and let the doctor do her thing, please."

I glanced at Jason, and he tried to fight back his smile. We'd officially been told off. It was time to behave. Mom was stressed. It was clear to see, but it's why Jason and I liked to try to keep our time in the hospital as upbeat as possible. This place was stifling. The beeping of the machines. The constant coughing and groaning from other patients. We just wanted there to be a little fun in this hellhole that Jason was living in.

Mom needed to lighten up.

It was all going to be fine.

"Sorry, please go ahead, doctor. I promise we're listening," I replied, trying to make Mom happy.

The doctor pulled out her notepad. "Okay, Alex, these questions are to help us determine your eligibility to donate to Jason. We know your marrow is a match, but these questions are to determine if there are any other factors that could be an issue."

I glanced at Mom, and she gave me a reassuring smile. The doctor ran down a list and then began asking routine questions. I answered them truthfully, each one seeming to get the tick of approval.

Then came the last one.

"Okay, last one, Alex. Have you had any severe head injuries at all?"

Furrowing my brows, I shook my head. "Nope, not that I can think of."

Mom exhaled, tears instantly began to form in her eyes, and I snapped my head to hers in confusion. "What is it, Mom?" I asked.

She glanced at Dad. He grimaced but then nodded, clearly understanding her reaction. "Honey, remember you had that concussion a few years back?"

My eyes shot open, my head snapping to the doctor to witness a sympathetic look cross her face. "That? That was nothing!"

"It could be something… how bad was the concussion, Mrs. Grimes?" the doctor asked.

Shaking my head at Mom, begging her not to say anymore, tears streamed down her face. "Alex was unconscious for an hour. He was in the hospital for a couple of days for monitoring. His brain had swollen, and they were keeping an eye on it to make sure it went down, which it did, but he suffered with some lasting symptoms for months after. Headaches, mood swings, nausea, some dizziness—"

"Mom, it wasn't that bad." I turned to the doctor. "I swear, I was fine. This is nothing! I can absolutely still donate… right?" I begged, my eyes shifting to Jason, and I detected sadness washing over his features.

The sight almost broke me as the doctor gently rested her hand on my shoulder, clearly for comfort. I turned to face her, slowly shaking my head. "No, no, NO… please don't tell me I can't do this."

She exhaled with a solemn smile. "I'm so sorry, Alex. But a head injury, even one less severe than the one your mother described, would make you ineligible to donate to Jason."

I felt sick.

Like I physically wanted to throw up.

My stomach churned as I stood from Jason's bed, my breathing rushed and frantic. The room was spinning, but a hand reached out, grabbing mine, and I snapped my head to watch Jason's eyes meeting mine. He smiled a genuine smile that startled me while he lightly chuckled. "Serves me right for tackling you in the backyard so hard and not protecting your head when you went down, hey?"

Scrunching up my face, I started backing away from him, and my hip bumped into his breakfast tray. It crashed to the floor, the sound making me jump with fright.

"Alex, honey… it's okay. We'll find another way," Mom stated, but it was muffled. I could only just hear her through the ringing in my ears.

I was panicking.

Completely freaking out.

I was the only chance my brother had, and because of a technicality, I had failed him.

I turned, racing for the exit.

I needed out.

I couldn't handle this situation.

But as I was leaving, the last thing I heard was Jason calling out, "It'll be okay, Alex… just take a breath."

"Alex, Alex, honey… are you still there?" Mom asks down the line, snapping me back into the present.

Shaking my head, I clear my throat, blinking rapidly to clear the tears that are forming before they fall. Slumping back in my seat, I let out a long puff of air that flutters my hair. "I'm here, Mom… I didn't mean to zone out on you like that."

She hums down the line. "You've been zoning out on me for years, my love. I just hope that whatever place your mind goes to when you do, it's not terrible every single time."

Glancing back up to the photograph of Jason and me on the wall, I swallow hard. "Do you ever think I'll be happy, Mom?"

She gasps, sniffling like my words have shocked and hurt her. "Alex… honey, why don't you come home for a while? If the club is too much to handle, you always have a place here."

Tensing, I grimace. "Mom, I love you and Dad. You know I do. But home… there's just so many memories there. Of Jason… of Bea…" I trail off, and Mom weakly chuckles.

"That's why you hardly stop by these days."

"It's not that I don't want to—"

"It's just that it's too hard," she answers for me.

Shifting my gaze to the door, the thumping of the music continues to blare while my brotherhood is out there having the time of their lives. Celebrating the glorious win we had today. I find myself wondering what Bea is doing. "The club had a win today… they're out there celebrating, and Bea is there with them. But I'm here, in my tech den, moping about on a phone call to my mother."

Mom bursts out laughing. "Alex, I know the den is your safe haven. You go in there to hide when everything gets on top of you. It's where you can embrace your emotions, away from everyone's gaze. But I think you're in there hiding because Bea is out there. Because you don't know how to face her after all this time."

"It's fucking hard, Mom… I still can't forget the fact she left. After everything, she fucking left!"

Mom inhales sharply. "Just remember, Alex, there's always two sides to every story, and from what you've told me, you haven't truly heard her side. You've only assumed to know. I understand when you were younger, you were hiding your relationship from Theo. I see where the complication lies there. But honey, you and Bea… you two were inseparable. I always knew you were together. I always thought your love would be unbreakable. It was sweet watching your romance bloom, but when Jason got sick, everything started falling apart…" She takes a deep breath. "It's no one's fault. Life throws us some shitty cards sometimes."

Rubbing the back of my neck, I huff. "I don't know what you're trying to say."

"I'm trying to get you off your moping ass and go out into the clubhouse and have some fun. You've gotten into your own head. Are you still taking your meds?"

I slide open the drawer, pull out the prescription bottle, pop the lid, and drop a tablet into my palm. "Yeah, Mom… I'm still taking my meds," I reply, then throw the tablet in my mouth, pick up my water bottle, and drink down my antidepressant.

She exhales in relief. "Good… I'm glad. I know you never liked the idea of being diagnosed with clinical depression, Alex, but you went through so much. It's not a weakness for you to have difficulty regulating your emotions."

Popping the lid back on the pill bottle, I stare at it with disdain. I take the pills because they do help. They make me numb to it all. But with Bea coming back on the scene, it's making everything… heightened. It's making the memories hit more frequently. I've been dealing with this for thirteen years. Living with this the best way I know how.

A life without Jason.

A life without Bea.

Now Bea has come back, and everything has been thrown into a whirlwind, knocking me off my feet.

I was happy once.

I was so fucking happy.

And the last time I felt that was when Bea was around. So having her back is fucking with my head.

Because she reminds me of happiness.

Of a time before the darkness.

So, I feel like I should be jumping from the rooftops in excitement that she is here with me again.

But I'm not.

I can't.

Because the way we left things turned everything sour.

Turned me sour.

And I don't know if I can ever truly be fixed.

And that thought is utterly terrifying .

"Honey, can you promise me something?" Mom asks, forcing my focus back on her.

"What's that?"

"Can you please go out and celebrate, whatever it is they're celebrating, with your club tonight? I don't need you to go wild. I don't even need you to have fun. I just need you to go out and be with your family. Your brotherhood. I need you to be with other people tonight. Can you please do that… for me?"

I hear the sincere concern in her tone, and I sit up taller. The last thing I want to do is worry my mother. I don't ever want her to be concerned about the safety of her only remaining child. "I'm fine, Mom. I promise. But yes, as soon as we end the call, I will go out and mingle."

Her relieved sigh echoes down the line. "Oh, I am glad to hear this, honey. You had me worried about you for a moment there."

Scrunching my face, I grimace. "You don't have to worry about me, Mom. I'm gonna be okay."

"I love you, Alex. More than anything."

Warmth floods through me. "Love you, too, Mom. I'll call again soon. Sooner than I have been."

She chuckles down the line. "I'm going to hold you to that. Go and have a good night, my love."

"I will… and thank you for always being here for me."

"Alex, I'm your mother. There's never a day that I won't be here for you. It's the same for your father too."

Weakly smiling, I nod. "I'll try to come out and see you soon."

"We'd love that, but if it's too painful for you to come here, we can go out for dinner somewhere. Meet in a park—"

"I'll come to you. I need to get past this sooner or later, Mom."

She's quiet for a moment but then sighs. "Okay… we can discuss it when the time comes. In the meantime, have a good night."

"You, too, Mom."

"Love you, honey," she says, then ends the call.

Smiling, I close my eyes, and then I straighten out my shoulders.

I need to pull myself together.

I'm the VP of LA Defiance.

I have had my moment to get it out of my system.

Now I need to get the fuck on with it.

I'm not going to get anywhere with this app problem tonight. I have gone as far as my brain will allow. Now, I need to do what Jason suggested, ‘Just take a breath.'

I'm burned out and getting nowhere, so sometimes you have to walk away from something to come back to it with a clearer head.

This is the case with the app.

I'm going to take my mother's advice and celebrate with my brothers.

Even if Bea is going to be there.

I spin on my chair, just about to stand, when there's a knock on my den door. Raising my brow, I make my way over, pulling the door open a fraction. The blast of the music hits me first, followed by the overwhelming smell of alcohol. Navy steps into my view, and I can't help but wonder what a club girl is doing knocking on my door.

"Navy, everything okay?" I ask.

She tilts her head with a small grimace. "Ahh, I know you're working on things, but… you might want to check on Bea."

Furrowing my brows, I jerk my head back. "Why?"

Navy hums under her breath, then gestures over her shoulder. I follow her line of sight to observe Bea dancing on top of the bar, her shirt off, wearing only her bra and shorts. Drink in hand, she is swaying like she's about to fall off the bar at any second.

She's hammered.

For the second night in a row.

My muscles tense, and my hands ball into tight fists as I try to fight back the rage. "Jesus fucking Christ, Bea!"