10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

ISABEL

I shuddered as I pulled up to the beach. A shiny, black Mustang had just driven past me, and even though the windows were tinted, hiding in the darkness, I knew who was inside. That sick feeling that had manifested in my stomach after Nic's call escalated with seeing that car, and I just knew something had happened. That Zane was at the thick of our problems again.

I drove up as close as possible, heading around the side of the crowd before stopping in an open space with a glimpse at the party, letting my truck run idle as I took in the scene.

A crowd was gathered near Corey's truck, and I could just barely make out the back of my sister's head, but when Annie's hands flew to her head in frustration, I knew without a doubt that something had gone down. With a sigh, I slid my sister's shopping bags to the middle of the seat to make room for Nic and honked the horn to wait.

"You're aware that your sister's mental, correct?" he said once we were on the road .

"What happened?" I held back a sigh. "Nic?' I asked when he didn't respond. I may have met the guy less than a month ago, but that look in his eyes was impossible to ignore. There was so much hiding beneath the surface. Again, something within me called out, recognizing his pain. "What's wrong?" I pressed, my voice gentle, not wanting to push but wanting him to share.

He met my gaze, still without answering, seeming to be searching my expression for something, the same way I knew I was searching his. "Do you consider me a friend, Izzy?"

"Of course, I do," I replied before looking back to the road. "Why would you have to ask that?"

"Just clarifying before I ask you this next question."

I took a breath, my body tensing, anticipating. "What question?" I had to look at him before he'd answer, curiosity burning from his gaze, but concern weighed heavily in his expression as well.

"What happened to you?"

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

"With Zane. And Tucker. What happened? Why is everyone so worried about you all the time? Like you're going to break?"

A gush of air released from my lungs, because damn, that was a big one. One I'd thought for sure Jet would have already filled him in on. I swallowed, debating what to say. How to begin. "How much time do you have?"

Nic stared at me, speechless, his sapphire eyes holding mine as he searched for what to say. "I, uh…wow. I wasn't expecting that."

My lips tilted up in a small, sardonic smirk. Tell me about it .

He faced forward again, and my eyes followed his out to the wide expanse of water. We'd grabbed milkshakes from Bob's Diner and then gone out to park on a quiet section of the beach, a large pier not far off in the distance, reminding me about that last night. That night when everything felt like it might eventually be okay before being ripped out from under my feet all over again.

I'd rolled the windows down, letting in the salt of the night air, the only sound the rippling ocean in front of us.

"It explains a lot," Nic eventually said into the quiet.

"Like what?"

"Like why you are the way you are…sad, withdrawn, even when you're trying not to be. Why your friends react the way they do around Zane. Why Annie loses it when people try to bother you and Tucker. Why Jet was so worried about you going into work today. Why you got so mad at him." He ticked off the list like he was counting it on his fingers.

My brow rose at his description of me because I'd been praying I'd hid it well. Apparently not.

"I didn't actually go into work today," I admitted, looking down at the milkshake in my lap.

Nic raised an eyebrow, setting his empty cup in the cupholder before shifting to face me. "Really?"

I nodded. "I was helping Annie with something. Something that Jet can't know about yet and something I promised I wouldn't tell you about, either. "

"Alright."

Seeing he wouldn't push me, I explained. "I'm just tired of everyone giving me crap about my job. I love working at the daycare, but they make me feel so guilty for it, and it drives me crazy. I hate it. I can't even talk to Tucker about it because he just gets mad at me, and now, even Jet's making me feel bad about it."

"But Jet didn't know you weren't really going in."

"That isn't my point. He is, or he was , the only one I could count on not to give me crap." I dropped my milkshake in the cupholder, not even wanting it anymore.

Nic frowned, and I could feel him assessing me before he spoke. "Have you considered why they make you feel guilty about your job?"

"Because they don't want me to work there." I sighed.

Nic smirked and rolled his eyes. "No kidding. Try harder."

I gave him an exhausted look because that was exactly how I felt. I was exhausted, tired of fighting for this thing I needed, but I paused to really think about it this time. "They don't understand."

"What don't they understand?"

I hesitated, searching for the right words now that I had someone who would listen. "That it soothes the ache . That, for that little bit of time that I'm there, I feel better . I lost my baby , Nic, just a few weeks before my last trimester, and holding those little ones makes it not hurt so much. At least, for a little while. For that little while, I get to breathe . But my friends just refuse to understand."

He sat quietly for a minute, taking in what I said while I fought back tears. "I think you underestimate them."

I scoffed. "You just met them. "

"I just met you, too, but I think I have a pretty good idea of your character. And it's very evident how much your friends care about you. We should all be so lucky," he tacked on, staring back out the front windshield to the water.

Why did I get the feeling that comment meant something more? Probably because his eyes went hard as stone again. He looked so un like Jet when he wore that look.

"You wanna talk about it?"

He looked back at me, surprised. "Talk about what?"

"Whatever's bothering you."

He shook his head, recognition flaring that I could read him as easily as he could read me. "No. No, not tonight."

"Okay. Another time, then." But I will find out what's behind that look.

"Another time," Nic agreed. "Tonight's your night."

"I thought we were done talking about me."

"Not quite." He smiled, his eyes softening out of their stone state, and I sighed, everything in me tired.

"What's left then?"

"Exactly what you already brought up. I'm not saying I don't understand the pull, but you're working with babies , Izzy, and you just lost one. Don't you think that's reason enough for the people you're closest to to be concerned? Your mom, too, I'll bet, even though she can't be here now."

My eyes flared in warning. "She lost the right to be concerned when she did what she did."

"Be glad you still have her." His voice turned sad, and a wave of guilt went through me .

"I'm sorry. You're right. She's been struggling for a while now, so I guess the overdose shouldn't have been a huge shock, but the timing of it…" I shook my head. It felt so selfish. I'd been breaking, and she'd only thought about her.

"I get it," Nic offered, bringing me back. "But my point is still valid. With your friends if nothing else."

"To an extent," I reluctantly agreed. He raised an eyebrow, an act I noticed he used for a lot of communication. "I'm a lot better than I used to be. I felt dead inside after the accident first happened, but now, I can function."

He nodded and pursed his lips, clearly considering his response. "Functioning maybe, but that's it."

"What do you mean?"

"I see what everyone else sees when you come home from work. You try to hide it, but that deadness you mentioned? It's in your eyes those days, and you look…defeated. Broken. It's no wonder they try to get you to quit."

Good God, was my pain really that obvious? "I'm strong. I can handle it. If I can survive losing my dad and my daughter and almost losing my mom, then I can survive doing what I love."

"Survive maybe. But what kind of a life is that? Don't you want to live?"

I didn't respond, glaring down at my hands I now held clenched in my lap.

"Food for thought," Nic added.

I cursed to myself. The jerk. Fine, if he was going to leave me with this confusing mess to sort, then I could do him the same courtesy.

"So, what are you? Living or surviving? "

He paused and studied me carefully, a slight smirk forming on his lips. "Touché. But, Izzy?"

"Yeah?"

"I think you would have made a good mum."

Oh, God. Everything in my chest grew tight. It felt hard to breathe. So much of me needed to hear that.

"Thank you," I finally squeaked.

"I mean it."

"I know." I nodded, trying not to cry.

That was how Tucker found me later that night, curled up in the bed we'd been sharing with my knees pulled up to my chest, everything I'd talked about with Nic swirling through my thoughts.

He closed the door with a quiet click, heading straight to the chest of drawers for a change of clothes. It was basically like we'd moved in together. His parents had fought us on it, but with both of us being eighteen and Tucker putting his foot down, it was either the two of us here or in his bedroom. His parents had chosen the lesser of two evils, not wanting us sleeping together with our younger siblings under the same roof.

I could see their point. I knew this wasn't normal, but I literally couldn't sleep unless Tucker was near. We'd tried in the beginning, but even with Annie crawling in my bed to hold me, there were too many nights she'd had to resort to calling Tucker. It wasn't until he'd scoop me into his arms that my demons fled. Only to come back again the next day.

Too many memories haunted me .

I didn't even know how to begin to deal with them. Counseling had helped some but not nearly enough.

I peeked over the edge of the covers to watch Tucker pull his t-shirt down, catching a last second glance at his abs, and I swallowed, a flicker of desire trying to surface. But I shoved it down. It couldn't go anywhere. I was far from ready for that.

He pulled the covers back to crawl in and immediately pulled me against him, tucking me into his side, and I snuggled with my head against his chest, breathing him in, that scent that was just… him and his steady heartbeat calming my nerves.

My body finally relaxed to take a breath.

"You've been crying," Tucker murmured into my hair.

"A little. Just overwhelmed. I had a long talk with Nic tonight, and it got me thinking."

"Good or bad?" His hand found mine under the covers, his thumb caressing soothing circles into my palm. My insides melted at his touch, loving how intimate it felt. I knew he wanted more, but he never pushed. I just wished I could push myself. I missed him and that part of us.

"Not sure. He meant it to be good, but it really just made me think about how messed up I am. How I don't know how to fix it."

"You're not the only one." His fingers moved to mine, gently trailing up and down their lengths. His index finger eventually ran along the base of my ring finger, and I knew he was thinking about the band I refused to wear.

I sighed, knowing what was coming, or what he was thinking, at least. "Getting engaged won't fix anything, Tucker. "

"I never said it would. Those are your words, not mine. I bought that ring before the accident happened."

"When there was a baby. Now, it would just be using it as a bandaid."

Tucker growled and rolled me over onto my back, his strong body hovering over me as he locked those whiskey eyes with mine, so much ferocity and love burning through his gaze.

"Stop assuming you know what I want and how I feel. I proposed because I love you and want to spend every last second of my life with you and for no other reason than that. You being pregnant might have sped things up, but I still know what I feel and what I want. You're not ready. You're scared. I get that, but the second you get it through your thick skull how much I want you, my proposal's still there. It's just waiting for you to say yes."

I blinked up at him, so much emotion swirling through me. Joy mixing with terror and uncertainty. I knew he meant it, but I was so messed up. There was so much to still work through.

I reached up to run my hand along the side of his face, cupping his strong jaw, and brushed my thumb along his bottom lip. "I hear you. I promise."

His eyes closed, and he ducked his head to touch his brow to mine. "You're it for me, princess. I swear it."

My eyes filled with tears as I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him down, and he enveloped me, rolling to the side again to hold me to him.

"Did something happen?" I whispered against his chest, picking up on tension I hadn't noticed before. Or that he hadn't let me see .

"Zane was at the party. We fought," he admitted, and I stiffened, everything in me going tense. "I tried, Izzy. I swear I tried to ignore him, but he knows exactly how to push my fucking buttons. Nic pulled me off before it could go too far, but then Annie went off on him for not stopping it sooner. It got ugly, and I'm pretty sure Jet's pissed. Probably at both of us. It's a whole fuck fest."

I didn't have to look up to know he ran a hand over his face and back through his hair. I just laid there, the seconds ticking away as I tried to figure out how I felt. I was so over the fighting. The damage it had already caused. It's like he never fucking learns.

"Izzy?"

"How's your hand?"

He sighed.

"You bruised it, didn't you?" Right before this big game with the recruiter coming up.

"It'll be fine. I'll tape it up before the game."

"Which you shouldn't have to do."

"I know. But if you'd heard what he said—"

"I'd have told you to ignore it," I snapped, the tension in our room suddenly pulsing, straining through the quiet between us. "Let's just go to sleep, Tucker." My voice was dry, void of the emotion I was holding back, and I rolled to face the outside of the bed, so much within me screaming.