17. Firsts and Lasts

17

FIRSTS AND LASTS

J ames slid to a stop and Taryn came up right behind him, cowering under the cover his broad shoulders provided. She felt like a coward, but after everything James had just told her, she felt almost certain that he was the only person in the entire castle, perhaps the entire clan who would be safe for her. The only one who would even care about her safety to begin with.

His left hand reached around and found her arm. He held it reassuringly, as if he knew she needed something to steady her. Her mind was still reeling with the knowledge that her parents no longer cared if she lived or died. She had only just begun to put herself in the mindset to escape her family home for a second time. And now, any hope she might have had for survival was gone.

“James,” the gruff voice chided. “Must ye always be so rash?”

“Ye ken verra well what they plan to do with her,” James argued back, his words a rushed whisper. “Ye heard the Laird. Ye saw his face. She can nae stay here any longer. Every second she spends in that cell, her chances of survival lessen.”

“This is nae the way, James. Should ye manage to escape, and that is nae likely seeing as I have caught ye already and the others will nae be far behind me, they will go after ye. Are ye truly ready to spend the rest of yer life on the road?”

She hadn’t noticed it, but at some point in the conversation, her hand made its way to James’ back, resting in between his shoulders. That point of contact told her just how tense James was, his muscles tightening with every word the man spoke.

“Eowin, I am nae going to fight ye,” James finally said after a long minute. “Ye have taught me everything I ken about the sword. I am nae so foolish as to think I could best ye even if I wanted to. I dinnae wish to. I respect ye too much to do that. I am asking that ye let us go. Please.”

Taryn peered out from around James’ shoulder, reminding herself that James wasn’t the only one capable of holding his own in a fight. If that was the only way out of here, she would do what she must. But the face that met her on the other side of James surprised her. It was warm, friendly even. The deep creases around his mouth told her that there was a time in his life that he laughed often. The marks in his forehead, however, told her that right now, Eowin was gravely concerned.

“I cannae do that, lad,” Eowin told them softly. “Ye must think this through. Ye will never make it out of here in one piece. News of the Lord’s demands has spread. The clan is all in a panic. Those who want to appease the Englishman are forming mobs. Those who dinnae are rallying together so they can fight him off. There will nae be anywhere safe for ye to go.”

“What are ye saying?” Taryn asked hesitantly.

“I am saying that the safest place for ye is in the cell, behind a locked door, with a guard and a Laird standing between ye and the mobs.”

Her shoulders fell as did her heart. Even as James shook his head and readied himself for another argument, another long set of reasons why she should go with him, Taryn knew that Eowin was right.

“I ken this is nae what ye want to hear, lad, and I am sorry to be the one to tell ye, but ye must take her back. We must wait and hope that the Laird will decide to do the right thing. That is our only option.”

“Nay,” James said sternly. “Nay, Eowin. Please. Let us pass.”

He took a step forward, but the older man didn’t budge. James tightened his grip on Taryn’s hand, taking her with him. She didn’t fight it. His face was riddled with a pain she could do nothing to soothe.

“I cannae lose her too.”

Taryn blinked back her surprise though Eowin didn’t seem at all fazed by James’ admission. The words had come out thick with emotion, strained. She had never heard him speak in such a broken tone. Eowin, however, was clearly accustomed to such vulnerability from James. He reached out a meaty hand and settled it on James’ shoulder with a heavy comforting touch.

“I ken. But ye have nay other choice.”

“I refuse to believe that! We could?—”

With a deep sigh of resignation, Taryn pulled herself out of James’ clasp and moved to stand in front of him.

“Eowin is right,” she told him, cutting off any arguments James had been preparing.

“Ye cannae mean that. Ye have had a great shock. I ken that?—”

“James,” she tried again, a little more forcefully this time. “I do mean it. I will never be able to put into words what it means to me that ye tried to save me, that ye were ready to risk yer own life to save mine. But this is my fate. I have spent three years on the run, and I am tired. I dinnae wish to run anymore. I will nae run anymore.”

Every word was like another arrow sliding from her bow, landing in the center of his heart. She could see how the sliced through him as his face fell further and further until all hope had been wiped from his eyes.

“Ye must go now,” she urged. “Ye must put me out of yer mind. Think about yer parents. Think about Laura. I will never forgive myself for the suffering I have caused them, the suffering I have caused ye. And I would never be able to recover from kenning that my actions meant the end of Laura’s life. Ye must go to her, get her away from the Baron. Ye must tell her that I am sorry.”

James’ eyes looked wild as they darted all over her face, the green irises a deep shade she hoped never to forget. He took half a step towards her, his fingers reaching for hers, before he remembered Eowin was still standing behind her, an intruder on this precarious moment.

“Could ye give us a minute?” James asked, though his eyes never left Taryn’s face.

The older man must have made a face that prompted James to promise, “We will still be standing right here when ye return. And then I will let ye escort her back to her cell.”

Eowin retreated from the alcove, his boots landing heavily on the stone floor. He didn’t go far, but it was enough to make the pair feel as though they had been granted some privacy. Though the two had already been standing close to each other, James moved closer still. A gentle hand reached up to caress the side of her cheek, holding her in his touch.

“I should never have brought yet back here,” he sighed. “I should have left ye to live yer life, just as it was. Content and complete.”

“I was nae content and complete. Nae entirely,” she whispered back, letting her head settle into the palm of his hand. “It was nae this, but there were still pieces missing. But none of that matters now. Ye did what ye thought was best. Ye did what ye thought ye must. I cannae fault ye for that. I did the verra same thing when I left. I thought that was my only option.”

“I see now that it was. I should have left it alone. I should have gone after Laura instead.”

“Go to her now. Go save her,” Taryn pleaded. “Ye can do nothing for me here. But ye can still save her. Ye must go to Laura. She needs ye.”

James didn’t answer as he gazed down into Taryn’s bright blue eyes. He had once thought them naive and innocent. Now he saw an entire world in them, one that spoke of secrets he knew nothing about and longed to explore.

“Had I nae been so foolish, so stubborn…” he started to say, berating himself.

Taryn reached out a hand and pressed it into his chest, silencing him.

“The only way I will be able to bear this is if I ken that ye are going after Laura. And that ye dinnae blame yerself for this. None of this is yer fault. Please, James. I refuse to spend our last few moments together arguing about all the things we could have done differently.”

As if her words had struck them both at the same time, the couple realized that this would indeed be their last time together. She would return to her cell to await her fate, and he would go off searching for Laura. By the time he made it back, she wouldn’t be here. Taryn pulled back, the epiphany striking through her heart harder and faster than anything else she had realized today.

Logic and reason screamed at her to step out of James’ arms, to let him go. They cautioned her not to get more involved than she already was. But her heart was whispering to let caution, logic, and reason be damned. Her days were numbered. Things couldn’t get much worse than they already were. She didn’t want to die with regrets.

Moving before either of them could put a stop to it, Taryn braced herself, putting her hands on James’ chest, rose to the tips of her toes, and pressed her lips against his. Having never kissed anyone before, she didn’t quite know what she was doing. James didn’t move a single muscle. Her heart pounded, a rush of embarrassment and awkwardness washing over her. Just as she was going to pull away, apologize, and run back to her cell, James moved.

His hands went first to her arms, holding her in place, before they reached around her back and pulled her into him. He didn’t stop until every inch of her was pressed against every inch of him. As if the contact broke through his stupor, James kissed her in return, showing her just what it felt like to be a woman kissed by a man who loved her.

For that brief moment, nothing else existed. There were no angry Englishmen, vying for her head. There were no sisters to save, no families to return to. There was nothing but Taryn and James. She felt, for once, as though she were a normal girl free to live the life she dreamed. And he was the man she had chosen to pursue, the man she had longed to call hers.

Breathless and flushed, Taryn pulled away first. She hoped that the memory of that moment, when James still had his eyes closed and his hands clutching her waist, his lips swollen and rosy, would keep her company in the lonely days that were sure to follow.

“I always dreamed that ye would be the first man to kiss me,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. “But my dreams could never compare to reality.”

Slowly, James peeled his eyes open and looked at her. His eyes were glowing a bright, rich green.

“Time to go, lass,” Eowin announced, coming from around the corner, his words full of regret.

This time, Taryn went willingly, leaving James behind her.

In a daze, James stood in the corridor, unmoving. He watched as Taryn’s skirts disappeared down the hallway, Eowin ushering her back to the cell James had rushed to get her out of.

Everything within him screamed that this was wrong. This shouldn’t be happening. The moment he realizes and finally admits to himself that he is in love, the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with is being escorted to her death.

I love her.

The thought threatened to knock him off his feet. Perhaps that was just the rush he still felt from kissing her. When they were younger, he might have entertained the idea a time or two that they would wind up together. As he got older and had more understanding of the way the clan worked, he knew it would never happen. Yet now, all the stars and fates aligned only for him to taste bliss before it would be ruthlessly ripped away from him again.

Shaking himself out of his own thoughts, James turned and ran through the castle. Nearly colliding with more than one distraught clan member, he was sure he looked insane. He had no doubt that everyone he passed was convinced he had lost his mind. James thought that maybe he had. But if it meant he got the chance at a future with Taryn, then he was happy to be labeled insane.

Eowin had been right, James thought tersely. The entire clan was in a state of panic. Several of the people he passed were in tears, while others were shouting at each other. It seemed as though everyone was just as conflicted as James was, even if it was for different reasons.

The brisk, cold air hit James in the face as soon as he stepped outside, but he didn’t let it slow him down. He raced for the stables, saddling his horse in record timing.

“Please forgive me, Ma. I swear I will make it back for breakfast one of these days,” he spoke into the wind.

Kicking his horse into a run, James sped through the village, taking note of the way news of the Baron’s new demands spread like wildfire. It was sheer chaos. Chaos that James didn’t have time to contemplate or analyze. He needed to act and act quickly.

He rode hard, despite the fact that he hadn’t entirely made up his mind as to just where he was headed. Taryn’s life was in grave danger; a fact that James couldn’t stand by and let happen. But Laura also needed saving from the English, especially before tensions between them got any worse. And if a war was going to break out between his clan and the Baron, he needed to be here, fighting for his homeland.

How could he possibly emerge a victor in all of this when there was no one to stand and fight beside him? He alone had gone after Taryn, just as he alone was trying to save her. In three years, no one had dared to try to get Laura back. After talking with the Laird that morning, James was convinced that Laird McGregor had all but forgotten about his sister. And the rest of the clan was too busy arguing with each other about what to do to start building up their defenses.

Frustrated and irritated with the position he found himself in, James ran a hand through his hair, messing it even more than the wind already had.

“I dinnae suppose ye can tell me what I should do here,” he asked his horse.

The stallion only flicked his ears back and forth, continuing down the path James had set him on. Snow-covered trees continued to whirl by him, yet no plan formed in his mind.

If he went after Laura, he was not only leaving Taryn unprotected, but risked angering the English into action. And the McGregor Clan was nowhere near ready for battle. He couldn’t manage to talk sense into Laird McGregor, especially not with his brother in his ear. It was truly an impossible situation. All he could do was hope that the Laird would have sense enough to delay appeasing the Laird and start rallying the warriors, preparing them for battle. They needed allies if they were going to have even the smallest chance of holding their own in a war with the English. James needed allies if he was going to manage to keep everyone he loved safe.

His next thought struck him so hard that he pulled up on the reins, slowing his horse so he could think.

“Ye must protect my family.” Taryn had asked him. “ Aila and Lachlan and Sorcha will likely come for me. If I ken anything about them, it is that they are already on their way.”

Allies. These people that Taryn called family could be his allies. If he could persuade them to help, if they truly cared about Taryn as much as she said they did, this could be the exact kind of people that James was looking for. She had told him that Lachlan was the Laird of the Kincaid clan. Perhaps he would be enough to convince McGregor to stand up to the English, not to sacrifice Taryn to the wicked man.

“I have to find them,” he said to himself.

Rolling back his shoulders, he nudged his horse in a new direction. He was the best tracker in the McGregor Clan. He had spent months looking for Taryn already. And had found her close to Kincaid lands. If she was right and her friends were coming after her, he hoped he would find them on the road somehow. At the very least, he knew how to look for a group of three on the roads. He would head south, praying the entire way that he wasn’t about to make the biggest mistake of his life.