1. Tracy

1

Tracy

October

"You're not coming back, are you?"

"No, mate. I've decided to stay in London."

I shifted the phone to my other hand and told my friend Roger, "I'm not surprised. When you went home to visit your family last Christmas and met Callum, I knew it was just a matter of time before you moved back to the UK."

He chuckled at that. "Aye, I suppose it was inevitable. But don't worry, Tracy. I'm not selling the flat, so you can stay as long as you like."

"Really?"

"Absolutely. I have some good friends in San Francisco, along with several business ventures to check on, so I'll be visiting regularly. I might even convince Callum to come with me, even though he's as brave as a wee bairn when it comes to flying."

He traded his British accent for an exaggerated version of his boyfriend's thick Scottish brogue for the insult. I could hear Callum laughing in the background and cussing him out. After some good-natured teasing, Roger came back on the line and told me, "I've got some more news, mate. You won't have to rattle around the flat all alone for the next couple of months. A friend of mine needed a place to stay temporarily, so I offered him my room."

I instantly began to worry. "Who is he?"

"His name's Everett Daley, but most people call him Ever. He's a great guy. I met him years ago, when we were both working as bodyguards. He went on to open a highly successful gym in Los Angeles, but he recently sold it. Now's he's sunk everything into renovating a building in San Francisco, which he's turning into a state-of-the-art fitness center. It'll include an upstairs flat when it's done, but it won't be habitable until the first of the year."

There wasn't anything I could say to this. Roger owned the apartment, and for the last two years, he'd been letting me rent his guest room. He'd done that as a favor for a mutual friend, and he'd been charging me a fraction of what a place like this should have gone for. I was in no position to complain, even if the idea of living with a total stranger made me uncomfortable.

"When's he getting here?"

"He's driving up on Sunday and should arrive in the early afternoon. Can you be there to let him in and give him the spare set of keys?"

"Yeah, no problem."

"Thanks, Tracy. Sorry to spring this on you, but you're going to love him. The two of you have loads in common."

"Like what?"

"Er…" He had to think about it. After a moment, he came up with, "You're both ex-military. Plus, both of you are into fitness. Maybe you can take him to your gym. He'll need someplace to work out while his fitness center is being built."

That was a pretty flimsy list. "Anything else?"

"That's all I've got off the top of my head, but I'm sure you'll find some common ground. I'll admit, Ever's a lot at first, but give him a chance. And remember, it's not forever. In a few weeks, his new place will be finished, and then he'll be out of your hair."

"You think we're going to hate each other, don't you?"

Roger hesitated before saying, "Let's just try to be optimistic, mate."

We spoke for a few more minutes, until his boyfriend called him to breakfast. After we said goodbye, I placed my phone on the paperback I'd been reading and looked around.

The apartment and I didn't match, tonight more than ever. Since I was by myself and didn't have to worry about what anyone thought of me, I was sporting a two-day-old beard and wearing ratty sweats that should have been thrown out years ago. To complete the look, I'd wrapped a blanket around myself like a shawl.

This was a strong contrast to the pristine apartment, which was a modern, sophisticated work of art in black, white, and gray. It had taken me a long time to feel comfortable here, and even longer for Roger and me to go from landlord and tenant to friends. I was thrilled for him because he and Callum were happy and deeply in love, but I was going to miss him.

It happened a lot—I made a friend, which took a while because I wasn't exactly the most open and outgoing person on the planet, and then they met someone and everything changed. In Roger's case, it meant moving five thousand miles away, which put an end to a lot of shared meals and rambling chats. His companionship had meant a lot to me.

As much as I dreaded sharing the apartment with a stranger, maybe it was a good thing someone was moving in. Until Roger's phone call, I hadn't said a word since leaving work two days ago. My tendency to isolate myself started to become a problem when I was living alone.

I got up and crossed the room, still wrapped in the blanket shawl. A burst of cold air met me when I opened the sliding glass door, but I stepped out onto the balcony anyway and took a deep breath.

It was Friday night and the last weekend in October, so the city was crackling with energy. Traffic noise drifted up from street level, and dance music filled the air from the shorter building across the street, where a rooftop Halloween party was in full swing. Dozens of people in costumes were dancing, chatting, and generally living it up, not that any of it appealed to me.

I had the opposite of FOMO. Instead of fear of missing out, I had GTBH, glad to be home. I'd actually been invited to a party tonight, but I'd made an excuse to get out of it.

What I needed and wanted wasn't going to be found in a big group of people. Instead, I caught a glimpse of it unfolding in a private corner of that roof, where two men had snuck away from the party and were wrapped up in a passionate embrace.

Seeing that made my heart ache. It pushed all of my loneliness to the surface, where it sat heavily on my chest and made it hard to breathe.

I turned my back to the city and the party and that couple, and went back inside. When I shut the door, it was quiet again. Too quiet.

For a minute, I considered logging on to a hookup app and finding myself someone to get me through the night. It had taken a few months after that disastrous night with "Sven" back in February to gather the nerve to get back out there, but eventually I'd been desperate enough to give it another go. The handful of hookups since then had been nothing special, and they always left me wanting.

Instead of subjecting myself to yet another meaningless encounter, I returned to the couch, picked up my book, and drew the blanket around me more securely. Then I tried to shove the lid back down on all the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm me.