27. Derrick

CHAPTER 27

Derrick

My mother insists on making us dinner as the sun is going down, since I made breakfast and lunch. When I was a kid, her cooking often consisted of frozen dinners and mac n’ cheese, which I never begrudged. But she’s taken up a dozen hobbies in her peaceful retirement, and cooking is one of them. The chicken pot pie she makes us has me going back for seconds and thirds and slipping a little to Chance and Justice under the table. Even Raleigh, who’s been hiding in our room since we passed in the doorway hours ago, tucks in like she hasn’t eaten in a month.

After the dishes are cleared, my mother pours us all wine, which Raleigh politely accepts but doesn’t drink, and we move to the cozy couches in the living room. Mom tells us about her daily escapades with her chickens and goats, and which ones she’s most likely to find on top of the toolshed. I’m prepared to settle in for a quiet night of more catching up, but after half a glass of red, my mother declares she’s ready to turn in.

“I don’t know how you city kids stay up ‘til all hours,” she says, kissing me on the head like I’m still twelve years old, “but out here, seven p.m. is my bedtime.”

“Thank you for dinner,” Raleigh says sincerely, and then looks shocked when my mother comes around the couch to give her a kiss on the head too.

“You’re most welcome, darling,” mom coos. She’s so thrilled to have another person to feed that I feel a new twist of guilt for not telling her about the pregnancy. But if Raleigh were to leave, it would only be more devastating for both of us.

We say our good nights, and suddenly, Raleigh and I are alone on the couch. I roll the stem of my wine glass between my palms, and Raleigh sets hers on the coffee table quietly. At some point, Justice jumped onto the couch and rested his head in her lap, and she didn’t say a word. Her fingers scratch absently behind his ear.

The sight of her sitting beside me, wearing my plaid shirt with my dog in her lap, makes me so hungry for her I could scream.

Raleigh must feel my eyes on her, but she avoids them. “Why live in the city when you have a place like this?” she suddenly asks.

I think about her tears when I held her in the Cooper’s parking lot. Her claim that she’s been a failure all her life, and her best course of action is to run away to Europe to be a single mother. Looking at her now, she doesn’t seem like a desperate runaway afraid of her own mistakes. She looks… content.

And she’s wondering how the hell I can’t be in a place as peaceful as this.

“I bought this place for my mom to have,” I say. “Once I’d made enough off my salary as a cop.” And off bribes from Warwick Sr., but that doesn’t need to be said. Raleigh knows, and for the first time that knowledge feels like a relief instead of something shameful. Her family and I did business. That’s just a fact of our lives.

“Is that the only reason you became a cop?” Raleigh asks, stroking Justice’s head again. “The salary? So you could take care of your mother?”

I hesitate- it’s impossible not to. I haven’t discussed my past or my father with anyone. It’s always been my mother’s and my shared pain. But I’ve also never brought another person to this house. Raleigh has already seen more than any other person has been allowed.

“Yes… and no,” I admit. “When I first joined the academy, I just wanted to have the chance to punch back. I was an angry, newly twenty-one-year-old, and… I wanted my father dead.”

Raleigh doesn’t respond to that, to her credit. Her eyes are on the crackling fireplace, her hand methodically petting Justice’s soft fur.

“I grew up listening to my dad hit my mom,” I say, each word feeling like it’s choking me. “And when he didn’t want me to hear, he’d lock me outside the house for days. But when I got old enough for him to see me as a threat, he started hitting me too.”

Raleigh’s jaw clenches, but her eyes don’t leave the fire.

“My mom was tired, by that point,” I say, my chest squeezing. This is something I won’t say out loud, but as a child, I resented her for all of it. There was a time I wanted to turn my back on her too, because of all the times I thought she should’ve fought back and didn’t. It took years for me to understand that leaving would’ve been almost more dangerous than staying. “She’d been through hell and worse. There were nights she nearly died. But one day, dad hit me almost bad enough to kill me, then passed out drunk. While he was sleeping and I was bleeding on the floor, she called the police, and they got to see everything.”

I have to put down my wine glass, because I’m squeezing so tightly it’s bound to shatter. The knowledge that my mother wouldn’t call for help for her own sake, but did for mine, will haunt me until the day I die.

“He went to jail, finally,” I grit out, summarizing hours of pain and fear in words that aren’t good enough. The police combed the house for evidence and interrogated me in a windowless room until it felt like I’d done the crime, instead of being the victim. But at last, my father was proven guilty and put behind bars, and my mother and I had to begin the grueling process of recovery.

“Unfortunately, he was also our breadwinner,” I say bitterly. “The trial claimed basically all of the money my mom was able to get out of him. She and I found whatever jobs we could, but it was still rough for a while.”

Raleigh nods slowly. “Cops make good money,” she says.

“They make great money,” I agree. “But it wasn’t just the money that I wanted. I wanted justice. I wanted what happened to my mom and I to stop happening. And cops only react to crimes that have already happened, they don’t prevent them. For that, I’d need to become a lawmaker.”

I finally take my eyes off of Raleigh and turn to the fire myself. “I took bribes because they made it easier to buy this place. I took more bribes because your father told me I had promise. I became a sheriff because it’s what your brother wanted me to be, but also because having the title of sheriff under my belt would make later elections easier.”

“President Derrick Lindman,” Raleigh suddenly says. When I look over at her, she’s smiling at me, just a little. “It has a ring to it.”

I laugh. “Maybe. But I was really only hoping to make it to congress.”

Raleigh nods. “Very humble of you.”

She could be mocking me, but it doesn’t feel that way. She’s teasing, trying to lighten what’s become a very heavy mood.

It feels like… an olive branch.

“I love this place,” Raleigh suddenly declares. “I love the house, I love the quiet, I love the big fields. I even love all the freakishly large animals wandering everywhere.”

I laugh again, and a smile flashes across her mouth. She hesitates, her breath catching, then she seems to force the words out. “My whole life, my entire world was the Warwick house. Everything outside those front gates? Total mystery. I had one friend, no mom, a brother I barely knew existed, and a dad who barely cared that I did.” She shrugs. “Except that I could be married off someday. I feel like I’m just now learning how… how fucking stupid he kept me, just so I wouldn’t know to want more.”

I can’t help it. I give her a wry smile. “You’ve never seemed content to me.”

She shoots me a withering look. “Yeah, because luckily dads are mortal, just like everyone else,” she says flippantly. “He kicked the bucket just before I turned twenty, and suddenly, I didn’t have a rope around my neck every second of every day. First thing I did was run.”

That makes me blink at her. She tried running away in the past? “I’m… guessing you didn’t get far.”

Raleigh shakes her head. Her eyes are suddenly very fixed on the fireplace again. “Tommy found me. Gave me a whole speech about how he was the man of the house now, so there were still rules I had to follow.” She swallows hard enough that I see her throat work. “He was grieving, in his own way. Our dad may have locked him away even worse than me, but Tommy still ended up with all the power when he died. That kind of whiplash would fuck anyone up. Plus he was probably feeling responsible for me, since I was the only family he had left.”

Her fingers tighten a little in Justice’s fur. “But I was definitely not able to think about it like that back then. We barely knew each other, and suddenly this guy was showing up and saying I had to do what he said? No way . We had a huge fight, and it kinda set the tone for our relationship going forward. He was constantly trying to get me to stay put, and I was constantly looking for ways to leave.”

No wonder she feels like such a disappointment to her family. No wonder she chases off after every new idea without considering the consequences. Every step she tried to take toward freedom was condemned, and that just made her run all the faster. And while I can’t say I blame Thomas for trying to protect his little sister, it seems like his methods served neither of their best interests. In the end, their relationship was fractured, and Raleigh’s sense of self crumbled.

“He’s changed a lot since then,” Raleigh admits. “Ever since he fell in love with Clara, it’s like Tommy’s a whole new person. By his standards, he’s practically carefree! But that still leaves me, emotionally fifteen, physically twenty-five, with the world at my feet and nowhere to go.”

Suddenly, her gaze snaps to mine. Her hazel eyes look golden and fierce in the firelight.

“This is the first place I’ve ever felt like I’m not screaming inside,” she says bluntly. “I feel like I could run for miles, and still have room to spare. I don’t have to perform every second to prove why I should be allowed to stay here. There’s just the sun, and the grass, and huge animals, and… and your mom and you. I love… that, too.”

That sends a shock of pain through my chest. I can see the truth of it in her eyes. When I introduced her to my mother yesterday morning, I had no idea the effect it would have on her.

No mom . No explanation, but enough was said. Her mother is gone, has been since the beginning, and Raleigh carries that void with her everywhere she goes. Here, my own darling mother is happy to step right into that space and take the entire thing up. Of course Raleigh would cling to that feeling.

It occurs to me, at last, that I’m seeing the real Raleigh. Headstrong, fiercely affectionate, starving to experience every aspect of life. And, above all, desperately alone.

I shift closer to her on the couch. Justice, realizing he’s being crowded out of his spot, climbs off her lap and hops down to find a new comfy spot by the fire. Raleigh’s steely expression falters, her eyes widening just a little. But she doesn’t move away.

I want to be the one to relieve her loneliness. I want my family to be the one she finds sanctuary in. And more than anything else, I want that family to grow, with the two of us at its center.

My hand reaches out, knuckles brushing Raleigh’s flushed cheek. She shudders, but still, she doesn’t shy away. Breath held, I lean in and kiss her softly.

Raleigh shivers again, her back softens, then stiffens. I press closer, but she’s suddenly gone. She leaps up from the couch and marches toward the stairs.

“I’m going to bed,” she announces, but I know what she should be saying.

I’m running away. From you. From this. From everything I just told you I wanted.

I’m not going to let her do that anymore.