Chapter 4

FOUR

Aydan

I feel like an absolute idiot as I unpack my belongings in my new room. I'm going to hear about it from Granger too, that I have no doubt. But the worst part is that Granger understands why I behaved so stupidly. Because he knows the truth, that I'm pretty sure I've been in love with Samantha since the first day I saw her.

Growing up in a small town meant that it wasn't like Sam moved in one day, and I fell in love with her. We grew up as toddlers next door to each other because our moms were friends. Well, Sam's mom, my mom, and Granger's mom became best friends. So all of us were pretty much running around the neighborhood together from the time we could walk.

The world always felt more interesting with Sam and Granger in it, but there was some part of me that always knew I saw her differently. That I felt differently about her than I felt about anyone else.

Granger was my best friend. I'd give my life for him. But for Sam, I'd give my soul .

She'd always seemed to have this strange idea that she wasn't pretty enough or smart enough. With her bright red, curly hair, green eyes, and freckles, she stood out from all the other girls, but she saw it in a bad way. She saw it in such a bad way that she didn't notice the fact that as she grew older, more and more boys noticed the same thing I already had, that she was remarkably beautiful. Not just beautiful, but smart, creative, and incredible.

And yet, I could never do anything to hurt her. As much as I love her, she is also my family. Having a mom as a nurse and a dad as a firefighter, both of whom loved their jobs more than each other and certainly more than me, meant that I had two absent parents. Samantha's mom basically helped raise me. I spent more nights sleeping in her guest room than I did in my own bedroom. So when I started to have strange and confusing feelings for Samantha that grew and grew and wouldn't go away, I did my best to pretend they weren't there. I did my best to ignore them.

Even though I knew deep down I never could.

Somehow, I'd convinced myself that since going away to college and dating and meeting other women that Samantha wasn't as beautiful or as incredible as I remembered. Even though we texted often, not seeing each other made it easier to pretend, to convince myself that I'd built her up in my mind into someone she could never be.

Seeing her today, I wasn't prepared for the fact that… she hadn't changed from the perfect woman I remembered. She was just as beautiful and amazing as my memories had told me she was. Although she had, as Granger had so tactfully noticed, filled out in a way that only a woman could.

And every inch of me was aware of that fact.

The instant I saw her, I realized that all my convincing, all the things I told myself, were lies. She is beautiful. She is incredible. She's without a doubt the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. And that fact hasn't changed. Every single other girl that I so much as looked at faded from my mind the moment I saw her, and it was like I couldn't remember how to speak. I couldn't remember how to just be normal.

And I was embarrassed as hell.

Hearing someone lightly tapping at my door, I turn and see Granger standing in the doorway. He's the only other person in this world who knows how I feel about Samantha, and I'm sure what I just did amused the crap out of him.

"That was smooth, Mr. Smooth," he says, his voice laced with sarcasm.

"I already know, all right?" I tell him, matching his level of sarcasm.

Then we're laughing.

"Every single time I feel bad about getting struck down by a woman, I'm gonna think about today, and it's gonna make me feel so much better about myself," he says between gasps of laughter.

I glare at him, only a little serious. "Was that helpful?"

"Not one bit!" he squeals, taking a whole minute to stop laughing.

My amusement slowly fades. Today could be funny, but it also couldn't keep happening. One time could be explained away by me having a bad night, or being tired. But the whole summer? I need to do better, or I'll lose her altogether.

I sit down on the edge of my bed and put my head in my hands. "What am I going to do, Granger?"

He sighs and sits down on the edge of the bed next to me. "You're gonna do what you've always done. You're gonna squash those feelings down so far that they fester and turn you into a bitter asshole."

I look up from my hands and stare at him.

His face brightens into that trademark smile that makes his round face look even rounder. "Or you could tell her how you feel. And see if she feels the same way."

My stomach drops, and I shake my head. "You know I can't do that."

"Why not? I mean, we're not little anymore. You won't get kicked out by her mom and dad if things go wrong with the relationship."

He's right. When we were younger, I obsessed over finally telling her how I felt and having her not feel the same way, and it being unbearable to be around her. Or her feeling the same way, and me fucking up the relationship, losing her and her mom at the same time.

But I still have too much to lose. "If things go wrong, I just lose one of my closest friends." Fuck, the thought of losing her makes me want to puke. "No, I can't do that. It's better that I push this down and forget about the way I feel."

The words taste bad in my mouth, even though I'd accepted the fact that I wouldn't ever make a move on Sam. I had, hadn't I? Yes, every plan I made about this trip involved being Sam's friend and nothing more.

"You know, it doesn't have to be one or the other," he says. "Maybe she'll realize that you're a sexy man-god and everything will work out. Then you'll get your fairy tale happily-ever-after."

I laugh, but even I can hear pain in the sound. "What about my life has told you that that's a possibility?"

My life might look great on the outside, but it'd been rougher than anyone was aware of, although Granger knew more than anyone else about my home life. About my dad. But he still didn't know it all. If he did, I knew he'd have had to tell someone, and I'd be pulled away from Granger and Sam forever.

And they were all I had.

It's quiet for a long time, and I think I finally smashed that chipper attitude of his. I finally made him see the reality of the situation. He'd finally accepted that all hope was lost when it came to Sam and I.

Instead, he starts talking in that serious voice of his. "You're a young guy in college, pursuing the major you want, on the road to the career you want. You're hanging out with your best friend and in love with a really awesome girl. I think life could be worse."

"It could be, but if I get involved with Sam, I'll just screw everything up."

"You're not your dad." Granger turns on the bed, and now he's intense. "You're better than him. He wasn't a good person, you are. Get that through your thick skull."

My chest feels tight. If anyone else said my dad wasn't a good person, I might have punched him. Not because they were wrong, but because some part of me knows that I need to defend my family against everything. The thing is, my dad isn't a good person. He's a good firefighter. He was an okay dad. But he isn't a good husband.

He isn't a good person.

Every time I think about really dating anyone, my mind goes to Samantha. But I always have to ask myself if I'm going to be good for her. If I'm going to be the kind of man that she's going to need, or end up like my dad by taking something beautiful and crushing it.

"I fucking hate myself," I whisper, digging my hands into my hair.

And I fucking hate that I just admitted that out loud.

Granger puts his hand on my shoulder. "It's our first night here. Things are gonna get easier. You were just surprised to see her. But you'll be able to handle the rest better, and she'll have no idea about the way you feel."

I'm pretty sure he's just trying to make me feel better, but for some reason his words actually do. I can make this work. I can be around Sam… and just be a good friend to her. Just be there to make her smile. And have fun. I can be that person. I don't have to give into this horrible burning inside of me that says that I want her to be mine.

"Thanks, Granger."

He laughs. "No problem. Besides, this is only the first of many conversations we're going to have about girls, because I think I'll need a lot of your help if I'm going to become the Bang Champion of the camp. Bang Champion Granger! I like the sound of that!"

Granger is many things, but a Bang Champion he is not. He's a great guy. Whatever girl he eventually ends up with is going to be the luckiest girl in the world. But he is not a Bang Champion, and I doubt he ever will be. But if it's gonna happen anywhere, it's gonna happen here, where Granger will no doubt be the king of the nerds.

I smack him on the back. "Right. Bang Champion you are!"

He stands up looking pleased as can be with himself and heads back to his room right next door to mine, leaving me alone with my thoughts. The truth is, I was mostly excited about coming here and spending time with Samantha and Granger. Yes, it was a great opportunity, but I'd give up every opportunity in this world to be with them before real life begins and I lose them in a way we can't ever come back from.

Every time I picture the future, I see my friends, married with kids, and me, single, running around fighting fires, all of us hopefully happy. Even though the idea sometimes leaves me feeling hollow, I know that's how it's going to be. I'll lose them to their spouses and kids. They'll become the most important people in their lives, as they should be, and I'll try my hardest to stay busy enough that the loneliness doesn't get to me. But this summer feels like a chance to hold onto our youth a little longer. To put a pause on growing up, growing older, and all the things that come along with that, and just be there with each other.

I just hope that my feelings for Samantha don't fuck everything up.