12. What Else Can I Be?

"Last one," Gregory says, looking half-dead as he stands next to the dragon's wing. "Tell her to brace herself."

She sends me a memory of the last bone he was forced to break, telling me she's prepared. Felicity lies against her side, offering as much comfort as possible. Gregory's too weak to do more than fix the bone. No longer able to help with any of her pain, the process is torture.

I'm at the dragon's head, my arm wrapped around her neck as she lays her snout on my shoulder.

One last time.

I pray she won't accidentally kill us all.

She rears back when the bone cracks, roaring when horrifying pain racks her body.

I fall to my knees, sharing the gutting sensation with her. She breathes hard and then lets out a series of mewling cries.

Another coughing fit takes Gregory, and he nearly doubles over.

Worry plagues me, worse than the crippling exhaustion. He can't keep pushing himself like this.

He finally catches his breath, laying his hands on the dragon's wing. Sounding haggard, he says, "I'm going to knit it now."

"Gregory—"

"Prepare her, Davyn."

"Try not to move," I tell the dragon. "We're almost finished."

She presses her forehead against my chest, so large she nearly knocks me back.

Felicity cries silently, tears streaming down her face. She reaches a hand out for me, squeezing hard when I take it.

This time, the pain is searing—fiery instead of sharp—as the bones knit together. I cry out, unable to hold it back, and the dragon joins me.

After several minutes of pure agony, the pain dulls. It's there, but far less intense.

Gregory crumbles to the ground. "Done."

Dax offers him water and helps support him so he can sit up to drink it.

Sweat rolls down Gregory's face. "I've done all I can."

I leave the dragon to Felicity and kneel beside the mage. "You've done too much."

"What was I to do? Let you die down here? We both know you wouldn't leave the cave without the dragon."

Guilt twists in my gut.

He clutches my hand like an old man, his skin on fire. "I wanted to save her, too."

Moisture wets my eyes, and I nod.

"You two help me up," the mage commands Dax and me. "Get me back to the bedroll."

We do as he requests, pausing when another coughing fit takes him. When he's finished, we ease him to his bedroll.

He falls asleep almost immediately.

I sink next to the fire, staring at the flames, feeling empty. Gregory is like family. And if he dies, it will be my fault.

Dax sits across from me, silent. I wonder if he's thinking the same thing.

The mole trolls hack at the rocks on the other side of the cave-in, worked into a frenzy when the dragon roared. I don't think they'll be able to get in, but I'm a little worried they'll bring down more of the cave if they keep at it.

A little while later, Felicity joins us. She sinks onto the rocky floor next to me, sighing heavily. "She's sleeping now."

I felt the moment the dragon drifted. Our connection went quiet, taking the pain with it.

"Thank you for staying with her," I say.

"Do you think she'll be able to fly now?"

"I don't know."

She hasn't used the wing for weeks, and Gregory said that affects the muscles. Even though the bones are healed, she might not be strong enough to leave the cavern.

"Gregory isn't well," I say. "I think Dax is right—this isn't just exhaustion. He caught a sickness from the monsters. We need to get him out of here."

Felicity glances at the slice of morning light above us. "If you and Dax leave now, you could get him to the surface before dark."

It doesn't escape my notice that she left herself out of it. "What about you?"

"I'll stay with the dragon." Her words are brave, but I hear the way they tremble.

"I'm not leaving you alone."

"It's going to take both you and Dax to help Gregory through the tunnel and past the bluewood," she points out. "You know there's no other option."

Dax clears his throat, rising to pace the cave, giving us privacy.

"What if the monsters get in?" I whisper. "It's too dangerous."

"What if Lukas and Soleil return with the male dragon, and we're all gone?" she counters.

I drop my face into my hands, wishing someone else was in charge. I'm questioning all my decisions.

"I can't leave you," I finally say.

She studies me, her brown eyes gray in the dim light. "I know you'll come back for me."

"It will be after dark. It might not be until tomorrow."

"What difference does it make in here?"

Another coughing fit wakes Gregory. The deep, guttural sound echoes in the pit.

"Let me be useful," she whispers. "Please."

"I'll hurry," I finally say, giving in.

"I know."

"If something happens?—"

"I'll hide behind the dragon."

"Be careful." I take her hand, expecting her to pull away.

She doesn't. "You too."

Unsure if this is the right choice, I hesitate.

"Go." She pulls her hand free and nudges my shoulder. "Hurry, so you can come back."

Dax and I shoulder Gregory,one on each side of him. We pause in the middle of the bluewood as he tries to hold in another coughing fit. His body shakes, but he traps in most of the noise.

The mage slumps against us, breathing hard. After he's caught his breath, he says, "All right."

"Do you need another minute?" I ask him.

"No." He draws in a shaky breath. "Let's keep moving."

Gregory's nearly unconscious by the time we make it back to the bluewood camp. As soon as we're spotted, several crewmen run forward, helping us with the mage.

"Take him to his tent," I command. "Help him lie down."

"Yes, captain."

I stretch my shoulders, groaning when my muscles protest. Patches joins us, looking very solemn.

"How's Wilder?" I ask.

The eldest mercenary shakes his head. "I think he's come down with something."

"Dax is worried he and Gregory contracted an illness from the monsters during our fight."

Jack, our head scholar, joins us. Having overheard, his brow furrows. "Gregory is exhibiting the same symptoms? Fever? Deep, wet cough? Lethargy and muscle aches?"

I nod soberly. "We need to get them to the Sea Rose's mage. Hopefully, she can help."

"How are you feeling?" Jack asks, shifting back as if not eager to be close to me. "Are you all right?"

"I'm tired, but I don't feel like I'm coming down with anything."

"We might need to quarantine the sick," he says.

"How are you going to do that? Gregory is the only one who can work the lift. Without him, you're all trapped down here."

My response is sharper than I intend, but it's true.

Jack nods, nervous.

I leave the group to stock up on rations for another few days and then return to Patches. "I want you to pack up camp and head to the ships. I need to get back to the cave." I'm eager to return to Felicity, unable to shake the worry that one of the monsters might have seen us exit the tunnel and entered in our absence. I pause before I leave, looking at Patches. "Have you had any trouble with monsters?"

"The watch saw two sniffing around last night, but they haven't attacked yet."

"Let's get out of here before they do."

"Do you want me to come back with you?" Dax asks before I go.

"Stay with Patches. Help direct the men."

"Good luck with your dragon," he says solemnly.

Knowing they must all think I've lost my mind, I nod once and head back into the bluewood.

When I reach the sheer cavern wall, I pause in the brush, ensuring nothing is lurking nearby that will see me when I enter. But all is quiet.

As quickly and silently as possible, I enter the bushes that block the entrance and make my way through the tight tunnel, finally crawling into the cavern pit.

"Who is it?" Felicity demands when she hears me, her voice shaking, though she tries to sound fierce.

"It's me." I emerge from the tight space, standing with a groan and brushing away as much of the dirt and grime as possible. It's a lost cause, though.

She hurries forward to meet me. "You weren't gone very long."

"Dax and I took Gregory to the bluewood camp. I've instructed them to pack up and head back to the ships."

She looks troubled.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Once the team is gone, we'll be alone." She walks to the fire and sits, bringing her legs up and hugging her knees.

"Even if Lukas can't find a way to speak with the voltaic male, he'll return. We just have to wait for him."

From the look on her face, I can tell she wants to believe me…but she doesn't.

I sit next to her. "We're not going to die down here."

Felicity looks fragile in the firelight, like a doll abandoned in the street. Her auburn hair is a mess and her clothing is covered in cave dirt.

I try to picture her before the world got a hold of her, before her grandfather died and her life was turned upside down—a respected merchant's granddaughter, beloved to her family and adored by the crew.

"How's the dragon doing?" I ask.

"She's still sleeping."

"I'm sure she needs it after the last mend."

Felicity winces, remembering. It's the sort of thing that will visit a person in nightmares for the rest of their life. I hate that she witnessed it.

"Are you all right?" I ask her.

"I'm fine," she answers automatically.

"But are you actually?"

Slowly, she turns her head to face me, her eyes tired. "What else can I be?"

It's not an idle question. She studies me, waiting for an answer.

"You can be tired. You can be overwhelmed. You can be scared." Preparing myself for rejection, I lift my arm, inviting her to lean on me. "You can also be comforted, if you'd like."

Her mouth works, her eyebrows twitching as she focuses on my side. When she slides closer, I hold my breath, not daring to move.

Staring at the fire like her life depends on it, she presses her hip next to mine, leaning into my side. Slowly, I lower my arm over her shoulders.

She's stiff, unused to physical contact. It's like she doesn't know what to do with it. As we sit in silence, I'm keenly aware of her presence.

After a while, Felicity lays her head back, resting it on my arm. "There was a time being this close to you would have made my heart rejoice."

"And what about now?"

"It's been numb. Now it just aches."

"Have you ever let your leg go to sleep? You don't realize it until you change your position, and then suddenly, it's heavy and you get that uncomfortable pins and needles sensation."

She angles her head just enough to look at me. "Yes."

"Maybe that's what your heart is doing."

She lets out a snort that's more a scoff than a laugh. "You have no effect on my heart anymore."

It sounds like she means it, too.

"No?" I test the waters just a little, rubbing my thumb over her shoulder. "You seem to be affecting mine."

I didn't know she could go any stiller, but I feel her muscles stiffen. I tighten my hold on her slightly, hoping she won't pull away.

"What kind of effect?" she says after several silent seconds.

"You know that pins and needles sensation you get when your leg falls asleep?"

She laughs—actually laughs. And this dark, depressing cave suddenly seems a little brighter.

"Be my friend again," I whisper.

"I don't have friends."

I turn my head to look at her, my eyes searching hers. "Then be more than a friend."

"Don't."

"I can't stop thinking about your confession," I admit. "I can't get it out of my head. I keep wondering what I would have done if you'd told me when I proposed. How I would have responded."

She stares up at me, broken but still beautiful. "And?"

"I would have come after you. I would have found you. And I would have never let you feel unwanted or unworthy again."

She clenches her eyes shut as emotion passes over her features. But it's not the one I was hoping for—this one looks like pain.

After a moment, she moves away. "I'm going to check on the dragon."

"All right," I murmur, feeling the sting of rejection as she leaves.

"Davyn?" she says after a few steps.

I angle my body around to face her.

"If my heart hurts because it's coming back to life, how long until the pain stops?"

"I don't know." I want to reach for her again. "But I think it goes away more quickly if you keep using it."

"Are you certain?"

"It sounds right."

She stares at me for a full three seconds and then returns, her steps quick and sure. Before I can guess her intention, she lowers herself in front of me and presses her lips to mine.

By the time my addled brain processes what happened, she's walking back to the dragon.