Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

A ndrea lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling as the heat of the house warmed her. It was a nice reprieve from the frigid hospital room, so she didn't move to turn the air down just yet.

The distant sound of waves and the faint hum of the ceiling fan were the only sounds in the room. Dean had gone to work a few hours before, and the house somehow felt emptier than it ever had.

She knew that he was worried about her and wanted to stay with her, but she had insisted he go to work. She needed some time alone to process everything. The pain from the surgery was minimal now, but the emotional weight of her loss was practically crushing her.

She would never be able to have children.

The reality of that was a knife twisting in her heart. She was thankful that, for now, her family didn't know.

She had purposely kept it from them, choosing to bear the burden alone. She knew her mother would worry, and she had no doubt that Amy would someday use it against her. Even now, with her sister expecting—the news of which had doubled the ache in her heart—Amy had hinted at her own lack of a family.

Her mind raced, thoughts swirling in a dark, relentless loop. She had wanted so badly to be a mother someday, to experience the joy of raising a child. Now that dream was gone, ripped away in a cruel twist of fate.

The tears came suddenly, uncontrollably. She buried her face in her pillow, sobbing until her body was too exhausted to shed another tear. The sorrow was all-consuming, and it felt like it would never end. Eventually, she cried herself to sleep, her body finally succumbing to the emotional and physical exhaustion.

When she woke up, the sun was just setting. The bright colors of what was no doubt a perfect Florida sunset cast long shadows across the room, a complete contrast to the darkness she felt inside. The oranges and pinks seemed to mock her with their beauty, reminding her of what she would never have. She used to love sunsets, finding peace in their predictable beauty. Now they felt like a cruel reminder of the happiness slipping away from her.

She knew what she had to do. The clarity of her decision was as sharp as a knife, cutting through the haze of her thoughts. She couldn't continue with Dean. There was no point in pursuing a relationship now, not when she felt like damaged goods. The thought of breaking things off with him tore at her, but it felt inevitable. How could she ask him to stay with someone who couldn't give him a family? Ever.

The pain of that realization was suffocating. She remembered how they had joked about kids in passing, how Dean's eyes would light up at the mention of a future together. Even though they had labeled what was between them as a fun summer affair, she'd hoped. They both had to know at this point that it was something more. Deep down, she hadn't been able to hide it, even from herself.

Now, that future was shattered, and she couldn't bear to be the one holding the pieces, forcing him to pretend it didn't matter.

Tears welled up again, blurring her vision. She didn't want to lose him, but it felt like the only way to protect them both. He deserved someone whole, someone who could share in the dreams they had once whispered to each other in the dead of night. She had to let him go, even if it meant breaking her own heart in the process.

She pulled herself up from the bed, her body feeling heavy and weak as she moved slowly. Every step towards the decision felt like walking through quicksand, each moment more agonizing than the last.

She realized in her heart that she loved Dean, and that was the main reason that she had to let him go. The irony of it all was almost too much to bear. She'd never loved a man before. Never loved anyone before.

The room seemed to close in around her, the walls pressing in on her grief. She hugged herself tightly, as if trying to hold the broken pieces together. The certainty of her decision was a bitter pill to swallow, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Dean would understand eventually. He had to.

As the colors of the sunset faded into the encroaching night, she felt her resolve harden. She had to set him free, even if it meant losing the only person in her life who had made her feel whole.

Her mind drifted back to the miscarriage that she'd had in high school all those years ago. The pain and loss had been unbearable then, and it felt even more acute now. Her sister's pregnancy added salt to the wound, a constant reminder of what she would never have. Even though she knew deep down she would love her niece or nephew completely, it was all too much.

She walked into the bathroom and stood under the cool spray in her shower until her mind turned foggy again. Then she crawled back into bed and covered her head with her blankets and slept like the dead.

When Dean called the next morning, she ignored it. She couldn't face him, not yet. Instead, she headed down to the beach to watch the sunrise, leaving her cell phone inside the house so she wouldn't be tempted to answer his calls or text messages.

The sight of the sun rising over the water was usually a source of peace for her, but today it did little to lift her spirits. She sat in the soft white sand, hugging her knees to her chest, and let the tears flow freely. There were only a few people out at this time. A man passed by her with a Turtle Watch shirt on, and she watched him stop and check a few turtle tracks and snap a photo with his phone before continuing on down the beach.

She'd volunteered a few years back for the Turtle Watch herself, hunting at the break of dawn for tracks that led to nests, which would be protected until the eggs hatched.

It seemed the man had spotted a false nesting site. If it had been a real nest, he would have set a few flags out to mark the spot and called for crews to put up a barrier to protect the precious eggs buried in the sand.

The false nesting site was a reminder to her brain that her entire body was a false nesting site. It was almost as if everything in life was reminding her of how damaged her body was. Even the beauty of the sunrise felt like a mockery of her pain.

She sat in the sand, sulking, until the heat of the day caused her to return home. She was surprised to see Dean waiting for her on the back deck, watching her. How long had he been sitting there?

He stood up as she approached, a concerned look on his face. He held out a cup of coffee and motioned to a box of donuts sitting on the table.

"I thought you might need these," he said softly.

Andrea took the coffee and downed a sip. "Thanks," she murmured, avoiding his eyes as she sat down across from him.

"How are you doing?" he asked, his voice gentle yet filled with concern. She nodded as a reply, unable to find her voice. "Since you didn't answer my calls, I figured I'd come over. I was worried."

Her heart ached at his words. She couldn't string him along. It would be torturous to break things off, but now was just as good a time as any. Taking a deep breath, she tried to steady herself. "Dean, we need to talk."

He looked at her, worry etched into his features. "Okay. What's wrong?"

She hesitated, the words caught in her throat. She felt like she was about to shatter. "I…I don't think we should see each other anymore."

His expression shifted from worry to shock. "What? Why? Is this about…what happened?"

"I can't have children. There's no point in us being together. I'm damaged goods." Her voice hitched slightly, the admission tearing at her.

He leaned closer, taking her hands in his, his touch warm and reassuring. "You are not damaged goods. I care about you. I don't give a damn if you can't physically have children. We can get through this together."

She shook her head, not really hearing what he was saying as she pulled her hands away, even though it felt like tearing a part of herself off.

"No, I can't do this. I need to figure out my future on my own." She fought back the tears.

"Please, don't shut me out. Let me help you," he countered, his voice pleading, eyes filled with determination.

The pain in his voice broke her heart, but she steeled herself, knowing she had to protect him so he could still have the life she could no longer give him.

"I'm sorry. I really need to be alone for now." She took a deep breath.

His gaze locked onto hers, searching for any sign of hope.

"If that's what you want." He took her hands gently in his. "This is shit timing, I know, but I love you, Andrea." Her heart broke a little more. "And whatever happens, just know that this doesn't change that fact."

Tears welled up in her eyes as she fought to maintain her composure.

"I can't give you a family. You deserve someone who can." She sobbed softly.

"I don't want anyone else, I only want you. Not because of what you can or can't give me in the future, but because I love you. We can find other ways to build a family if that's what we decide we want down the road. But right now, all I care about is you." His eyes searched hers.

She turned away, unable to face the depth of his love and the raw pain in her heart as his eyes pleaded with her.

"I can't ask you to stay with me out of pity. It's not fair to either of us," she said, trying a different tactic.

"Don't do this," he whispered, his voice breaking. "Don't push me away because you're scared. We can figure this out together. Please."

Hearing the desperation in his voice had her resolve wavering, and for a moment, she almost reached out to him. But the fear and self-doubt were too strong. "I'm sorry," she said, avoiding his gaze this time. She had to be strong. Stronger than she'd ever been. This was the right thing to do. It had to be because, well, it felt so painful.

He looked at her for a long moment, then nodded slowly, the light in his eyes dimming. "If that's what you want. But remember, I'm here for you, no matter what. I won't give up on you, on us."

As he turned to leave, she almost called out to him, but she forced herself to remain still. She watched him walk away, feeling like she was shattering into a million pieces. The pain of pushing him away was excruciating, but she believed it was the right thing to do.

She walked inside and collapsed onto the sofa, tears streaming down her face, her heart breaking with every breath she took without him in her life. What now? Why did she bother going on? Could she, without him?

The room felt emptier without him, the silence almost deafening. Everything felt darker without the love and warmth that he always brought into her home. She curled up into a ball, sobs wracking her body as the reality of her decision set in. She was pushing away the one person who truly cared for her, all because of her fear and insecurity. The weight of her grief felt unbearable, and she cried until exhaustion overtook her, pulling her into a restless sleep.

A couple days later, even though she felt hollow and numb, she knew it was time to move forward. Despite her mental and emotional pain, and reluctance, she decided it was time to go back to work.

When she walked into River Camps, the familiar sights and sounds felt soothing. It was like a fresh breath of air after the foul stench that had been her life over the past week.

When she stepped into the pool house, Kara spotted her immediately and rushed over, enveloping her in a warm hug.

"I'm so sorry," Kara said softly, holding her a little longer than usual. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm okay, just taking things one day at a time." She mustered a small smile.

"If you need anything, just let me know. We're all here for you," Kara added.

They talked for a while, catching up and easing Andrea back into the rhythm of work. Her first two clients of the day were easy enough, and she was thankful to have something to occupy her mind.

Just as she started to feel a semblance of normalcy, her phone buzzed on her first break of the day. It was her sister. She thought for a moment about not answering it. But she knew that if she didn't respond soon, her mother would call her.

It was better to deal with it now. Her gut twisted as she answered the call and stepped into the back room.

"Hey." Andrea answered the call on the fourth ring, trying to keep her voice steady.

"Andrea! I thought you'd never answer," Amy chirped cheerfully.

"I'm at work," she replied as she sat down.

"Oh, good. I was hoping you could pull those strings there again and get me on the schedule so you can throw me a baby shower in a few weeks. I'm trying to get the invitations together and figured it was the perfect place for the party," Amy replied.

Andrea's heart sank. "I'll think about it."

"You'll think about it?" Amy said, her tone sharp. "What's there to think about? I'm having a baby. You simply must throw your sister and your nephew or niece a party." Andrea's stomach turned. "Mom's simply too busy with work right now to throw the party, so it falls on you." She laughed. "We'll help out, of course, since I have so many plans, but it just won't do if I throw it myself. That's not how things are done."

"Isn't it a little early to be throwing a party?" Andrea asked, thinking back to how quickly she'd lost her baby all those years ago. After all, Amy was probably only a few weeks pregnant. Right?

"No, I'm fourteen weeks along. We've already found out the sex. I'm just waiting for the party to tell everyone. Which reminds me, the shower will have to be a gender reveal as well," she added. "I don't know the sex yet but my friend Heather knows."

Fourteen weeks? Andrea mentally tried to count back to what was going on all those weeks ago and couldn't. She'd even lost track of how long she and Dean had been seeing one another.

"Why can't she throw you the party?" Andrea asked, closing her eyes. "I'm busy at work too."

"Because you have connections at the camp," her sister whined. "Besides, you owe me. Just schedule it for the Saturday after next. We'll do the rest. I promise. Gotta go, thanks, sis." Amy hung up.

After that, the rest of the day passed in a blur. She threw herself into her work, avoiding any thoughts of Dean. Thankfully, she managed to keep busy enough to push most of the pain aside, though it was always there, lurking beneath the surface.

She asked Julie to put her sister's baby shower on the calendar and was happily surprised that the outside pool deck area wasn't booked for that evening. When she shot a text to Amy telling her of the schedule and location, Amy replied that it would be perfect. Then she sent a long list of things Andrea had to do or purchase for the party.

Andrea wanted to reply that she wasn't going to do any of it. Instead, she gave the stupid thumbs-up emoji instead.

A few days later, just as she was starting to feel like she could breathe again, Dean showed up at the pool house to continue his training. The sight of him made her heart break all over again. She knew she couldn't avoid him for long and, besides, it wouldn't solve anything.

"Hey," he said softly, stepping closer. "Can we talk?"

"Sure." She nodded, her throat tightening suddenly.

They stepped into the back locker room, where Dean turned to her, his eyes scanning her face quickly. "I know you're going through a lot, and I don't want to pressure you, but I just wanted you to know that I really miss you." His hands moved to her arms, rubbing up and down slowly. It felt too good to be touched by him so she stilled, afraid of moving. "I just want to be with you. Any way I can. I want to be here for you."

Andrea looked away, tears brimming in her eyes. "I'm not the same person anymore. I can't…" She shook her head, unwilling to let any more tears fall. "What you deserve…" Is what? Someone who isn't broken? Someone who could give him a family? Did he even really want one? She didn't have the heart to ask, afraid the answer would break her even more.

He reached out and gently lifted her chin to meet his gaze. "What I deserve is you, Andrea. You don't have to go through this alone."

Her heart ached with the weight of his words. She wanted to believe him, to let his love be her anchor, but the fear and pain were too overwhelming. "I need time. Please, Dean, just…time. Do you understand?"

"I do," he whispered, pulling her into a hug and kissing the top of her head. "Take all the time you need. Just know that I'm not going anywhere."

She leaned back, pretty sure he was going to leave the conversation at that, but then he brushed his lips over hers.

The soft kiss was over practically before it started and was so full of heat that she felt her entire body warm. Somehow, the light touch made her realize that she'd been freezing since the last time he'd touched her. Since their last kiss.

Then, as quickly as he'd kissed her, he was gone. "I'll go set up the room for our next client," he said casually and walked out of the room.

As she stood there, missing his embrace, missing his warmth, his smile, his sexy scent, a flicker of hope played in her head. Maybe, just maybe, she didn't have to face her pain alone. Dean's love was a beacon of light in her darkness, and while she wasn't ready to fully embrace it, she knew it was there, waiting for her whenever she was ready.