Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

He was getting addicted, and Piper did not have an addictive personality. But he felt half-drunk on Juno's moans, and the feeling was enough to chase away the pain he felt in his knees as he knelt on the shower floor. From his position, he could see Juno's palms pressed to the tiles, fingers digging in, turning white.

Piper watched for only a moment, and then he got back to the task at hand. He had Juno's ass spread apart, his perfect, pink hole on display, the hair there thick and very blond. He pushed his tongue inside, taking a deep breath before one hand moved between Juno's legs, and he cupped his lover's balls with the palm of his hand.

Juno whimpered. He fucked his hips back against Piper's face. He begged wordlessly, his body like a symphony of movement and sound. Piper never wanted it to end. He thrust his tongue in and out as his hand moved upward, eventually curling around Juno's cock, and he squeezed until he heard Juno gasp.

"Oh fuck, please, please."

Piper began to stroke him as he devoured his ass, the taste musky and so very much him. He'd never done this before. Not ever. He'd seen it on porn and wondered what the fuss was about. And now he knew. There was something heady about the power he had over Juno—the ability to give him so many little deaths only to bring him back to life so he could do it again and again and again.

He loved it. Mostly because it meant Juno trusted him, and that was what made this all worth it.

His hand sped up as Juno's whimpering turned into choking sobs, and it wasn't long until his ass began to clench. Piper pulled back, then licked his fingers before shoving two inside him. Juno howled. His head fell back, face directly in the spray of water, and he came.

White ropes painted the walls as his hips stuttered forward, and Piper stroked him until Juno was trying to pull away. He eased his fingers out carefully, then released him and climbed to his feet. His entire body ached, but it was worth it.

Juno spun slowly, then rested his back to the wall and grabbed at Piper, pulling him close. There was a needy tremble in him, and Piper held him until he was calm.

"Fuck me, where did you learn to do that?" Juno demanded when he could speak again.

Piper chuckled and pressed a kiss to the edge of his jaw. "That was my first time."

"Shut the fuck up."

Piper just grinned as he reached for the soap and began to clean them both with wide, careful sweeps of sudsy palms. Juno was pliant for it, watching with hooded eyes as Piper cleaned himself. When they were rinsed, Piper shut off the water and passed him a towel.

"Can we lie down?" Juno asked. He struggled into his boxers, leaving the rest of his body naked. "I promise I won't sleep. I just want to rest my eyes."

Piper didn't mind the lie. If it meant Juno would rest, he'd do anything. Letting Juno take his hand, they slipped under the covers, still a little damp, and Piper basked in feeling more emotionally sated than he had felt in a long, long time.

Juno wanted him. Juno liked him.

And this was about to become something.

Piper liked watching Juno sleep. Maybe that was a little creepy, he wasn't sure. He'd never really done this before, so he wasn't sure if his emotions were level or not. And while he had a couple of old colleagues he could probably call and ask, they'd want details, and he'd have to admit he'd fallen for someone just a little older than his baby brother, and that made him feel…

Not uncomfortable, but scared they'd want him to be ashamed. And he wasn't. He couldn't be. Juno was a force of nature, and it was impossible for Piper not to have been swept up by his tide. He didn't want it any other way.

He stretched, then sat up and set his legs on the floor. It was time to pick up their dinner, and he was getting hungry.

Juno didn't move an inch. He was fast asleep, and Piper debated about waking him, but he knew his lover needed the rest. After the hike and then the shower, he was worn. And that was just from today. Every time Piper had seen him at the mall, Juno looked exhausted, and Piper wondered if he'd ever gotten a real, solid night's sleep.

Piper didn't think he was going to swoop in and fix all of Juno's problems, but if he could act like a crutch for a little while—just until Juno was steady on his own feet again—he'd happily take it.

The only real hesitation he was feeling was that in spite of the fact that Juno admitted to wanting more with him, he was still shying away from saying the words aloud. Juno liked being fawned on and spoiled, but every time it got emotional, he'd crack a joke. Or he'd look away. Or he'd tense all over.

Piper couldn't pretend to know what life was like for Juno—how growing up the way he had shaped him into the man he was. Piper liked that man, but he was also afraid because he didn't want to get hurt. He was willing to take a risk for Juno, but he didn't want to be shattered in the process.

The thought weighed heavy on him as he slipped from the bed and rummaged around for his shoes. He found them in the living room, and he passed by a mirror and was startled by how old he looked.

Not ancient, but his hair seemed a little greyer at the temples, and there were a few more lines at the sides of his eyes. The commas by his lips were deeper etched than they were the last time he'd really stopped and looked at himself, and he wondered if this was what he looked like all the time.

Was that the reason Juno was hesitating with him? Juno deserved someone young and spry. Someone with the energy to match his own. Maybe all Piper would be for him was a stepping stone into his happily ever after.

He could live with that. He really could. No matter how much it would hurt.

Piper wasn't really a catastrophizing sort of guy, though, so he accepted the thought, then shoved it aside to deal with later. Right now, he wanted to make the best of the trip. He wanted to give Juno what he needed and take as much as he was allowed to take for as long as he could. He'd indulge because he hadn't done much of that in his life, and he loved himself enough to acknowledge that he deserved it.

He wasn't the best guy, but he had always tried his best.

That thought followed him out the front door and down the road to pick up their food. Luckily, by the time he was pulling back into the driveway, the weight of it all had lessened. He didn't want to drag down the mood of their journey. This wasn't really about him. Not entirely. He wanted to focus on the task at hand.

Whatever came after that was for future Piper to handle.

Piper managed a smile by the time he turned off the car, but it only lasted until he walked into the living room and found Juno pacing, talking frantically on the phone.

Piper's heart sank. Something had gone wrong.

When the door slammed, Juno spun to face him, and all the color drained from his face. He cleared his throat. "Hey. I gotta go. Yeah, no. Piper's back. Okay. Love you, babes."

Piper winced internally, reminding himself that was how Juno spoke to his friends. "Everything okay? We're still close enough that we can get back in a day if you need to?—"

" No ." The single word was sharp and spoken deep from Juno's chest. He passed a hand down his face, then dropped his phone on the small table. "You went to get food."

That almost sounded like an accusation, and Piper didn't quite know how to respond to that. Piper had the strangest feeling he'd done something wrong. But Juno's expression was slowly starting to soften the longer he stared up at him.

"Yes, I went to get our food."

"You didn't wake me up," Juno said, his voice quieter this time.

Piper frowned. "You seemed like you needed the rest. You didn't even twitch when I got out of the bed. Is that what's wrong?"

"No," Juno said stiffly, then cleared his throat and shook his head. "That's not what's wrong."

Piper set the food down next to Juno's phone and approached carefully, cautiously. He held out one hand, and Juno stepped into it. Piper breathed a sigh of relief as he bent down to kiss Juno's temple. "Do you want to talk about it? Is it your eyes…or is someone in trouble?"

"No," Juno said, then blew out a puff of air. "I'd rather just let it go."

Piper didn't want to let it go, but he also knew he wouldn't get anywhere with Juno if he pushed. That was starting to grate on him a little, but it was an easy request, so he nodded in spite of the feeling in his gut. "Consider it forgotten. Are you hungry?"

"Starved." Juno pulled away from him a little too quickly, and Piper felt the distance more profoundly than he usually did.

Once again, he wanted to demand answers. Juno was always so closed off, and while Piper could be sympathetic, it was starting to feel a little one-sided. And that wasn't what he wanted. "Want to grab some plates?" he asked instead of starting an argument. He knew his tone was off, but he couldn't help it.

Juno gave him an odd look, but he nodded and walked to the kitchen.

Piper took the momentary reprieve to recenter himself. He needed a breath and a quick mental pep talk. This was uncharted territory for them both. Juno was going through heavy shit, and he'd made it clear he wasn't ready for anything deeper than this. If Piper's heart got too involved, that was his own fault.

Juno had made his feelings clear. Piper needed to respect that.

If adding benefits to their friendship was starting to be too much, he'd have to communicate that. He had to be responsible for himself and his own heart.

"You okay?"

Piper jumped and realized he'd been standing still, halfway to reaching for the food bag for way too long. He managed a smile and a nod. "I'm good. Just in my head a little."

He felt Juno's gaze, but he didn't look over as he sat down on the couch and began to lay everything out. The food was neatly separated and boxed up and still very warm. The smell was amazing and enough to distract him from his inner turmoil in favor of satiating a different kind of hunger.

He noticed the space between them when Juno sat, though. And it was clear in the moment that in spite of Juno's protests, he had done something to upset him.

Was it the sex earlier? Juno had told Piper he wanted to wait before coming until Piper was ready. And Piper had pushed. Had he coerced him into it? He'd been sure to ask, and Juno's consent had been so enthusiastic. But Piper also wasn't an expert at reading people, so maybe he'd fucked up and pushed him into something he wasn't ready for. Fuck.

"Listen," Piper said.

"You left," Juno cut in without letting Piper begin.

Piper frowned. "What?"

"I…you left . I mean, you went to get food," Juno said, gesturing weakly at the spread. "But you left."

Piper's head was starting to hurt. "I'm so sorry, sugar, but I'm not following."

Juno swallowed heavily, wrapping his arms around his middle. He had a full plate, but he left it untouched on the edge of the table. "I woke up, and you weren't here. There wasn't a note. Your stuff was here, so I kept telling myself it was fine. You'd be back. You weren't going to leave all your crap. But then I thought, if you wanted to escape and ghost me, you might leave your stuff. You're not broke. You could afford to replace a bunch of outfits."

It hit Piper like a freight train. He hadn't even thought about that. It hadn't occurred to him at all to send a text or leave a note because he was just running out to get the dinner Juno had heard him order. Juno had asleep. He'd been so peaceful.

And besides that, there wasn't a chance in hell under any circumstances that Piper would leave Juno in the middle of nowhere.

"I'm so sor?—"

"No," Juno said quickly, cutting him off again. "No. I'm the one being fucking weird. Please don't apologize."

"I didn't know," Piper said, not willing to be silenced. He set his plate aside and shifted a space closer. "Leaving you is not something that would have ever occurred to me, no matter how I was feeling."

"Yeah. That's why I?—"

"Let me finish," Piper said gently. Juno flushed hard and clamped his jaw together. Piper reached out and smoothed a hand over it, trying to ease some of the tension. "I couldn't have guessed that was a problem because you don't tell me half the things that bother you. I notice the obvious things, but there's a lot more. I've seen your triggers. The bath thing…" He stopped at the devastated look on Juno's face.

"I don't like dirty water, okay? When I was little, I had to bathe in the same water as a bunch of other kids. One kid liked to piss in the water, and the woman taking care of us would never—" His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. "I don't like dirty water. When I came in the water, I didn't like the idea that it was in there. Touching me. I know it's not rational. I didn't even know it was a problem until it happened."

Those words hit Piper in the gut. Fuck, he wasn't being entirely fair. Yes, he had a point that Juno kept things to himself, but he hadn't stopped to consider that maybe Juno wasn't aware of half of his own triggers until they happened. "Okay."

"It's not like I don't want to tell you things. I just don't understand them. Or they're embarrassing. I mean, I'm a grown-ass man, and I've had years of therapy." Juno dug his fingers into his hair and tugged on the roots. "I have a laundry list of coping skills that mostly work. But then weird shit creeps up on me, and it makes me look—" He stopped.

"It doesn't make you look any sort of way," Piper said when Juno cut himself off and didn't finish. "Everyone has their hang-ups. I'm sure I have a dozen weird things that I'm unaware of. And I'm sure they'll pop up the longer we're on the road together. I don't mind that they happen. And if you don't want to talk about stuff with me, I get it. We barely know each other. I'm not going to make demands like that. But if I do something wrong or if there's something you need from me, you have to tell me. I can't be better if you don't give me the chance."

Juno stared at him for a long time, then lifted his feet to rest on the coffee table. He pulled his knees close to his chest and rested his forehead on them. "If you need to leave, send me a text. I don't mind being alone. I actually enjoy it. But I don't like being left."

"I can do that," Piper told him. "I promise."

Juno turned his head to the side, and he looked sweet and almost innocent in ways he didn't usually appear. His cheek was smashed against his knees, and his lips were pursed. When he spoke, his voice was muffled. "I feel like things are weird between us. I get the feeling you're upset."

Piper took a breath. It was now or never, he supposed. "I think…" Oh fuck, this was going to kill him, and there was every chance Juno was going to get pissed off and walk away. But he knew in that moment, he needed this for him. He could take care of Juno, but he still had to take care of himself too. "I like you, Juno. A lot."

Juno said nothing. He blinked softly. He didn't move.

"I want this to be more than it is, but I also understand you need time to deal with everything else."

Juno's eyes slipped closed. "So do you. You need time to understand what being with me will be like."

"You're right," Piper said. And he meant that. "You make me feel better than anyone has before. I like it probably too much. But my heart's on the line too, and if you're not ready to commit, I think I might need…" He hesitated. He didn't know the words he wanted to use.

"Some space?" Juno offered. There was a hint of bitterness in his voice, but Piper allowed it to just sit there between them unchecked.

After a beat, when Juno finally looked at him again, he nodded. "I don't want to stop everything. But the more we're intimate, the more I fall for you, and it's hard not knowing if you're going to give this a chance. If we decided to stop now, it would hurt, but we could go back to being friends. If we keep going and then you decide it's not right for you, I don't know if I?—"

"No, I get it," Juno said, cutting him off. He took a breath, then dropped his legs. "I need you to not take this the wrong way, but I'm going to go eat this in the guest room and get some sleep. Alone. I, um…yeah." Juno didn't wait for him to answer. He just grabbed his plate and his glass of water, then disappeared down the short hallway.

Piper's stomach sank to his feet. He couldn't help but feel he'd fucked the whole thing up. He wouldn't be surprised if come morning, Juno didn't want to go on. But he couldn't regret it. Juno's heart wasn't the only one at risk, and if this was going to go nowhere, he didn't want to leave himself in ruins.

Piper forced himself to eat, and then he cleaned up and made sure that the house was in better shape than they'd found it. There was still food left, so he scribbled a note to the morning cleaning service to either take it or toss it. He wiped the counters, went into the bathroom and gave that a once-over, and then he dug around in his suitcase and took out something he could wear for the drive.

Whether it was forward or back, he wanted to be prepared.

Zipping up his suitcase, he looked around the room, and his stomach ached. It felt so fucking empty without Juno. He could hear music drifting from under the door of the second bedroom. It was soft, melodic, with a small bass beat. He didn't recognize it, but it was very him .

Juno's stuff was still in the room, and Piper carefully piled everything together, scooting both cases along the wall, and then he went into the bathroom for a shower because everything was hurting from the tension he was holding. He used some of the Lush soap to help massage his aching muscles, then stared down at his limp dick and wondered if taking a pill and jerking himself off would make himself feel better.

But he doubted he'd be able to get hard, even with the chemical help.

He pressed his forehead to the tiles and let the water slough off his back until his fingers began to wrinkle as he tried not to picture what he and Juno had been doing the last time they were in the shower.

But that was impossible, so he stepped out and dried off. Slipping into boxers, he flicked the lights off, then crawled under the covers and turned on his side to stare out the window. He probably wasn't going to sleep much. All he could do was lie there and wonder if this was over before it really began. Was it worth protecting himself if it meant putting a wall between them?

He missed Juno. He missed their intimacy and closeness. He wished he could reach inside him and fill all those dark spaces his childhood had created and ease some of his fear.

But right now, he felt like he was a carved-out, hollow void with no promise that it would ever be filled. Shit, he was the broken one. He'd ignored who he was and what he wanted for so long he'd turned into this. A man who wanted to take risks, who told himself he could take risks, then fled at the first sight of one.

Reaching for the nightstand, he pulled his phone down and shot a text off to his brother.

Piper: I might not have a plus one. I'll keep you posted. Don't want to screw with your seating arrangements.

Nix: There's no seating arrangements. This is a courthouse thing and dinner after. Are you okay?

Piper: Yeah. I'm fine. Just wanted to give you a head's up. Have a good night.

It was the first time in a long time that he'd lied to his brother, and he felt like shit about it. But Phoenix would worry. He'd try to fix things. And Piper wasn't about to sic his brother on Juno. Nix didn't have the experience to understand what Juno was going through, and regardless of what happened, Piper would stay a buffer until Juno was ready to face the sharpness of the world on his own.

His eyes started to drift closed after some time. Off in the distance, he heard thunder. Then the skies opened up. He pulled his blanket tighter around him and just breathed.

"Hey."

Piper hadn't realized he'd been drifting until he heard the hesitant voice, and he jumped, turning his head. "Juno?"

"Fuck, I hate when you call me that."

Piper sat halfway up and stared at the shadowy figure in his doorway. "By your name?"

"It's wrong. I'm not…it's…it was special."

Piper knew what he meant. He just couldn't bring himself to say it right then. "Are you okay?"

"No." Juno sniffed softly. Not like he was crying, but there was a thickness in his voice when he spoke. "Can I sleep with you? I don't want to be alone."

Piper wanted to say yes. He wanted to say no. He wanted to scream into the nothingness of the universe because that way, he could unleash all his complicated feelings without worrying he would hurt someone. Instead, he opened his arms because what else could he possibly do?

Juno's body stiffened for a second, and then he padded over the hardwood floor and slipped under the covers. His body was warm as it collapsed against Piper's, and he shuddered softly as they settled back against the pillows.

"I'm sorry," Juno whispered. "I know I'm being a selfish asshole."

"Sugar," Piper said, and Juno let out a quiet moan of relief, "you're not being a selfish asshole for taking some space for yourself to process."

"Or for coming back to your bed even though I still can't tell you what you want to hear?"

Piper laughed softly and held him a little tighter. "You're not going to push me for more than this right now, are you?"

"No," Juno said, and the honesty in his tone was both frank and sharp. "No, I'm not. I just don't want to lose you."

"You won't. You can't," Piper promised him. His entire body felt settled with Juno in his arms again. He nuzzled his nose into the top of his hair and breathed in the scent of him. "I'll be here when you've decided what you need. And what you want."

Juno hummed softly, already drifting, and after a few beats of their hearts, Juno was out, and Piper was on his way.