TWENTY TWO

ESTELLA

The house bubbled with excitement, my mother and Jack swanning through their loved ones with glee.

Music swept through the room in a swelling jazzy wave, neatly suited waiters bobbing through the swarms of people offering teeming glasses of champagne and fancy hors d’oeuvres.

My stomach churned. I’d felt sick since leaving Leo’s room the previous night. I’d come home for three days and Leo had upturned everything. All the feelings I’d worked so long to suppress. Those heady, illicit kisses of our teenaged years that I’d told myself were nought but experimentation. He’d drudged it all up with his relentless pursuit.

And worse…I’d never felt more complete than when we’d been together. When the societal barriers had been removed and there was nothing but raw, primal humanity between us .

But it was Leo.

And it couldn’t happen.

He couldn’t follow me to the city, and I wasn’t ready to give up my whole life to move into the attic of my mother’s marital home.

Graham stood across the room, chatting up a storm with a group of fellow business men that worked with Jack, looking every bit more at ease in my family home that I did.

Mom sidled up beside me, linking her arm through mine, happiness rolling off of her. Her bright smile could light the dullest of rooms, and even amongst the many people gathered she sparkled.

‘Is it everything you imagined?’ I asked her.

‘Oh darling, with you home, it’s perfect. Everyone I love under one roof. What more could a mother ask for?’

She patted my arm with her neatly manicured fingers following my gaze across the room to Graham.

‘I think he’s the one,’ she gushed, squeezing me tight. ‘Absolutely perfect for you.’

‘You do?’ I asked, looking from him to her.

‘Yes. He’s a good man. He’ll look after you, love.’

The seed of unrest in my stomach hardened. ‘Is that enough?’

My mother’s brows dipped, concern filling her face. ‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s just not that passionate. I always thought it would be different.’

Mom sighed, her lips pressing together.

‘Sometimes, love is quiet. Unassuming. Sometimes it’s in supporting each other through a bad day in the office, or paying the mortgage on time every month. Sometimes it’s in seeing the things you can live with, and not those you can’t live without. It’s not all hellfire and brimstone. Sometimes it’s a gentle stream, and a quiet pleasure.’

‘Is it that for you?’ I asked.

My mother glanced at Jack, her eyes softening. ‘No, darling. It’s not.’

‘Can I have both?’

‘Rarely. But sometimes the pursuit of perfection leads to having nothing at all.’

Stewing in my thoughts, I left her to some giggling aunties, and moved outside, standing on one of the balconies that overlooked the garden, surrounded by hanging plants and the glittering night sky. Cold air wrapped me, goosebumps dancing over my arms.

Graham was a solid choice. A safe choice. Throwing my life away to try and pursue this thing with Leo would be stupid. We weren’t teenagers. Shacking up in his attic like a pair of horny youths. Hiding from our parents.

My life had to amount to more than that.

It had to.

The night sky dashed images of Leo’s perfect chest into my head, the stars twinkling reminiscent of the way his skin had gleamed in the computer light.

I rubbed my eyes, clearing the sordid pictures from my brain .

The music kicked up a notch inside, the evening drawing ever closer to the New Year countdown. A chance to start the year as I meant to go on.

With Graham.

Or throwing everything away for Leo.

The dining room had been cleared of furniture, and filled with drunken writhing bodies. Groups of women scream sang the words at each other, swishing their hair, and wobbling on aching heeled feet.

I moved through the room, smiling and deflecting as various groups tried to drag me into their circle.

Fingers slipped into mine, pulling me to a darkened corner.

My breath caught when I stood face to face with Leo.

‘Dance with me.’ He slid one hand deftly onto my waist, the other demurely taking my other hand.

To everyone else we looked chaste. Darling. A cute step-sibling moment at their parent’s tenth anniversary.

‘Leo,’ I said, turning my gaze from his to stare over his shoulder. ‘Last night shouldn’t have happened.’

‘It should have. It should happen again. Forever. I want to look after you, Starshine.’

‘I have a life.’

‘And does it make you happy? Are you desperate to get back to your job? Itching to get home and ride Graham?’

‘He’s good for me,’ I hissed.

‘Yeah if you want to die of fucking boredom.’

‘And being here with you would be so much more riveting would it? Locked up in the attic like some sweaty youths?’ Leo turned us around, making me look at him.

‘I’ll be good to you. I’ll get you anything you want. Anything .’

‘How about a beach holiday? How about s’mores around a bonfire? How about being there to watch our kids in their school play? Life can’t exist in one fucking house, Leo.’

Leo’s face fell, reality slapping him.

‘You want kids?’

‘I don’t know. But I don’t want to have to do everything on my own for the rest of my life. Other than a good fuck, what can you give me? If I walk out that door, you wouldn’t come after me. That’s always been the problem.’ My eyes burned with the threat of tears. ‘You send people to follow me. To put cameras in my home. To watch me fuck my boyfriend. Yet you don’t have the balls to come to me yourself.’

‘Estella,’ Leo breathed, and his pain hit me viscerally.

‘Tell me you’ll come after me when I walk out the door tomorrow, and I’ll give it all up for you.’ My chest ached as I waited for him to say it. To promise me.

‘I can’t.’

‘Then there’s no more to say. ’

‘I’ll tell him,’ Leo threatened, his eyes darkening. ‘I’ll tell them all what we did.’

Panic gripped me, sweat gathering at the bottom of my spine. ‘If you do, you will never see me again. I’ll never forgive you.’

A hand touched my shoulder, and I dropped Leo’s hand, blinking away the threatened tears. Graham smiled at me, excitement in his eyes.

‘Sorry, Leo. Can I have a dance with my lovely lady.’ Graham didn’t wait for an answer, slipping his arms around me and twisting me into the dance floor.

Leo’s stare burned into my back.